• Fri, Jan 3 - 11:00 am ET

8 Ways To Make Peace With Your Pubes In 2014

pubes-2

I have seen literally hundreds of vaginas, and I have something to say about shaggy pubes. Before you think me a freak in the sheets, let me explain. About seven years ago, I worked as a licensed aesthetician and laser hair removal technician. I have come face-to-vag with hundreds of vaginas and literal assholes in my lifetime.

Gather round friends, it’s time to talk about pubes. (I’ve always wanted to use that icebreaker at a party!) From my hands-on experience, I think I have some profound pubic wisdom to share with the world. It’s a brand-new year, and it’s time to come to terms with unruly pubic hair:

1.    Do trust the professionals.

It can be intimidating to go to a waxer for the first time, but they know what they’re doing. An objective, critical eye may be just what you need to bonsai that bush.

Here’s an insider tip to calm your nerves: If you’re really, really scared about spreading your legs for the sake of grooming, have a drink or two and get a friend to drive you to your appointment. Just don’t overdo it, and keep your dranking to yourself because some aestheticians may refuse service.

2.    Don’t forget that your pubes need love too.

This may seem totally batty, but trust me on this one. Pretty pubes make for higher self-esteem. If you’re feeling down in the dumps, your pubes are probably feeling it too. A new haircut may be just what your crotch needs to feel like your best self again—and put that extra pep in your step.

Me+pubes_c114d1_4251001

(Image: funnyjunk.com)

3.    Do what YOU like.

There are no rules in the world of pubes, although pubic preference can be a touchy subject. I’m just going to lay my cards on the table—I prefer the full Hollywood wax (totally bare), or the Hairless Kitty, as I like to call it. That’s what I like, so that’s how my lady parts are going to look—enough said.

4.    Don’t act your age.

Age is nothing but a number in the world of pubic art. To prove this point, I have a story to share. Years ago, I was waxing a middle-aged woman. All of the sudden, she got all awkward and asked if she could ask me a question. I assumed she was going to ask something benign, like if I waxed myself (many people asked that). Instead, she stammered and said, “Uh… How old does my vagina look?”

I had no effing clue what to say to that. I’m really bad at guessing an actual person’s age, let alone a vagina’s age. (Is it like counting the rings on a tree trunk?) I went with a safe bet, “Your vagina looks 30!” It must have been the right answer because it put a smile on her face. Moral of the story: No one cares how old your vagina looks. Your pubes, your choice!

sam

(Image: troll.me)

5.    Do get a partner in crime.

This applies to all pregnant women. If you’re in your third trimester, don’t forget about what’s going on downstairs! I booked a wax 3 weeks before my due date in the hopes that my hairless lady business would become an aerodynamic tunnel, and the baby would slip right out. If you don’t feel comfortable going to an aesthetician, at the very least, ask a friend or partner for help. (Although, take advice from Maria and proceed with caution.)

I know OBs and midwives have probably seen every kind of vagina under the sun and may claim to “care less” about a bushy bush, but it’s kind of like brushing your teeth before you go to the dentist. Just do it.

6.    Don’t forget common courtesy.

All I will say is that I had a client come in sweating profusely and apologize after explaining that she jogged to the appointment. Before she was scheduled to get a bikini wax. I’ll just let that sink in for a minute.

7.    Do get fancy for special occasions.

One word: vajazzle (said with JAZZ HANDS). I’m thinking anniversaries, graduations, labor and delivery, the works. Unfortunately, vajazzling became popular after I finished working as an aesthetician, so I never got the opportunity to learn the crotchly jewel art. But nothing says welcome to the world like vajazzling your newborn child’s name on your lady bits before giving birth!

Breaking-Dawn

8.    Finally, don’t drink and wax alone.

It may seem like a perfectly reasonable—even good—idea to have a few drinks and use a home waxing kit. I can tell you from personal experience that this hurts so much more than actual labor, and you’ll end up with waxy bits of plastic hanging from your pubes. Worse, you may pass out from the pain, and when your partner or roommate finds you, they’ll be some ‘splaining to do…

pubes

(Image: Julia Sonenshein) **PS: For all of you pearl clutchers, the top image isn’t really pubic hair, it’s actually some dude’s beard.

You can reach this post's author, Bethany Ramos, on twitter.
Share This Post:
  • Kay_Sue

    Vajazzle. We have an anniversary coming up in a few months, I wonder what my husband would think of that… *chuckles*

    • Bethany Ramos

      PLEASE DO THIS. I will wire you the money – “from a Nigerian benefactor.”

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      and I will totally let you two write this up, THE WHOLE THING

    • Kay_Sue

      Alas, he bloody hates glitter. Are there non-glitter options? I will have to do some research and get back to you gals, lol.

    • pixie

      Lame! Who hates glitter? It’s so…glittery!

    • Kay_Sue

      That’s what he says, except not so nicely. “It’s so damn glittery!”

      In his defense, he’s a magnet for glitter. If there is glitter anywhere in the vicinity, it will wind up on him at some point. I have never seen anything like it.

    • tSubh Dearg

      My partner is also a magnet for glitter, that or he excretes the stuff, we’re not entirely sure. All I know is that every now and then I find some on his face.

    • Kay_Sue

      We do this too! I never considered that he might be manufacturing it himself…hmmm….

    • tSubh Dearg

      I’ve decided that it’s really the only explanation for this, where else would the glitter come from?

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      If you’ve ever cleaned up after a glitter fight, you would. That shit never really comes out of your hair.

    • pixie

      I still find mystery glitter in random places that I have no idea how it got there since I can’t remember the last time I used glitter was.

    • Momma425

      Haha, my husband hates glitter too. He calls it the herpes of the craft world.

    • Rachel Sea

      I think they do rhinestones.

    • Kay_Sue

      Now I’m humming Rhinestone Cowboy! ;)

    • Bunny Lucia

      Rhinestones. Paint. Hell, you can even keep the hair and just dye it crazy colours.

      http://www.bettybeauty.com/

      There’s a “Sexy Betty” That is Lilac in colour

    • Kay_Sue

      I’m totally doing a rainbow afro. This sealed it.

    • Fuzzy ‘n Broken Mirror

      You should totally post pictures

  • Zettai

    I would soooo get vajazzled (or can I just say ‘jazzled?) for a due date. Something like “Frankie Says RELAX”, just to see the doctor’s face.

    • Bethany Ramos

      HERE’S JOHNNY! Hahaha

    • Zettai

      LOL!!!

  • Fuzzy ‘n Broken Mirror

    I totally *jazz hands* when I’m on Mommyish too!

    • Humphrey Bugoy

      *Jizz

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      beat me to it

    • Humphrey Bugoy

      He beats it to it alright

    • Ukiyoe

      what are you 9 ?

    • Limsky

      Im 10

  • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ Theresa Edwards

    Nope. I tried a wax once. Once. I actually left halfway through cause it hurt soooo bad. I had a halfsie thing going on

    • Humphrey Bugoy

      dats hawt

  • No thanks

    My problem with waxing is that it hurts during, after for a few days, looks awesome for a few days and then itches like hell when it grows back in and, if I’m really lucky, I’ll get some ingrown hairs to boot. No thanks.

    • ElleJai

      A spray called “Bump Erase” or a product with salicylic acid usually helps with the regrowth if you ever decide to try again :)

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      Uhhh, did you just heavily imply that after already having undergone the piping hot wax and the ripping out of firmly entrenched hairs, you are then meant to apply ACID to your nethers?!? I’m with “No thanks” on continuing to say no thanks to the whole thing, thanks anyway!

    • ElleJai

      Lol! It’s the same ingredient they use in most face washes these days, and certainly in nearly all of the products designed to stop oily pores and acne.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      Ha! I just laser-sight-targeted on that one word, and since the very thought of waxing *any* body part makes me draw my knees up to my chin and shiver, my brain overloaded!

    • ElleJai

      That’s ok :) There’s nothing wrong with keeping the hair you were born to grow!

  • Cee

    Hmmm what do you know about shaping it to a fun shape and dyeing it. Like making a purple pube star,you know, for a friend.

    • Bethany Ramos

      LOL I would say to tell your “friend” that she’ll have some really rad pubes.

    • Fuzzy ‘n Broken Mirror

      Google Image: “pube art”

    • Eggonidas

      LMAO

    • Limsky

      the second pic is the best

    • Bunny Lucia

      I shared the link with Kay Sue

      http://www.bettybeauty.com

      They have a kit called “Ready Betty” that has stencils and colours

    • Cee

      My friend may just try this, lol

  • Limsky

    The owner of that pubic hair needs to shave that or dye it…

    • brebay

      Pretty sure that’s not pubes…

  • Raff got run0ver by a reindeer

    <– way to prude to discuss this subject

    • Raff got run0ver by a reindeer

      *o

  • Eggonidas

    Ahh the 70′s

  • Limsky

    A Peenjazzle would be nice too, right?

    • Raff got run0ver by a reindeer

      I think the snooty Romans did that to some of their slaves on STARZ Spartacus series. Definitely some gold painted peens.. definitely.

    • Zettai

      I would do a gold peen as long as I got a gold baby out of the deal. Then I would hold it up like Rafiki on Pride Rock…

    • brebay

      sounds painful! Talk about a rough ride…

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    I’ve never seen the appeal of paying a stranger to smear my genitals with hot wax so they could rip my hair out. Any other hair removal method has been terrible and resulted in stubble. So I quit bothering and experienced a quality of life increase.
    And anyway, all the time I save not fixing what ain’t broken I can spend instead on Candy Crush.

  • Natasha B

    I died. The entire time.
    I totes let the professionals take care of that. I’ve never tried home waxing, but heard the stories.
    I may try glitter when baby #4 comes, my OB would laugh so hard. She’s cool like that

  • Justme

    I didn’t even read the article, I just came to say that….that is the most disgusting, vile and vomit inducing picture for an article. EVER.

    • Snarktopus

      …I’ve definitely heard people say beards look untidy, but vile and vomit inducing? Because, if you look closely, that’s pretty obviously a beard.

    • Bushy Bushestein

      sasquatch hooch!

    • Justme

      I saw the word pubes and what, on first glance, looks like pubes and it makes me gag. I can’t brush my teeth and look at a hair brush without gagging and running for the toilet. When I was pregnant, my dog’s hair on everything make me constantly nauseous. And don’t get me started on finding a hair in my food.

    • Snarktopus

      Yikes, that has to suck majorly. :(

    • Muggle

      Ugh, yeah, I was really grossed out too before I realized it was supposed to be a dude’s beard. D: Couldn’t the editors have just used their usual pics of hairless cats?

  • Jallun-Keatres

    LOL I leave my bush alone. I wear literal boy swim trunks over my suit when I swim because 1.) I like it and 2.) I don’t have to touch my bush with any wax/razors.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Your pubes, your choice!!

  • Alicia Kiner

    yeah… me + hot wax… not happening. I’ll just continue grooming my own bad self. But this was hilarious!

  • DatNanny

    Best opening line to a Mommyish article evar.

  • EX

    How is tearing your pubes out by the roots with hot wax “making peace” with them? I’m thinking we shouldn’t send you to the Middle East for peace talks…

    • Rochelle

      Yeah, I was expecting this article to go in the opposite direction as well.

    • Tellmehowyoureallyfeel

      Thank you! NONE OF THIS IS PEACEFUL. I have pubes, I am peaceful. End of. This article is so infuriating that I can’t expressing it without resorting to extremely foul language. It’s a shame that this is posted by the people who just posted the black leggings clip. (And actually? As a fashionable lady with a giant, glorious bush? I believe that death to the leggings would be my first edict as benevolent world dictator. Everyone looks like hell in leggings, actually, and no one ever wants to see that much ass cheek.) People who espouse “frumpy mom” should keep their blog shut about natural, beautiful hair. I look like crap with leggings and oversize sweaters, but my bush is eviscerated? Please.

    • ElleJai

      I can’t wear shorts (I look awful, I’m far too fat for that still) but I’m not going to wear full pants in the middle of summer!

      Thus, leggings, with a tunic (covering everything to or below mid-thigh) is a life saver.

      In conclusion, I will not be giving you my vote for dictator on that platform.

    • moonie27

      @ellejai:disqus: Wear whatever makes you feel good-lookin’ and comfy, but I live in Texas and I have never, ever thought someone was too fat for shorts – and I have seen all types in shorts! (I have regretted some booty-poppers, but shorts in general – no.)

      @Tellmehowyoureallyfeel:disqus: I look damn good in leggings, thank you very much. :) and while a lot of people are fine with their pubes just the way they are, many aren’t (for whatever reasons) and the only place it discussed is Cosmo! So articles like these actually can be important.

      I personally like to be waxed – I feel smoother, sexier, and cleaner – even when I’m rocking the frumpy p.j.s look. It’s like wearing sexy underwear – just makes me feel better :)

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      Heh, I don’t do sexy underwear, either, but then, I feel better when frumpier than I do when I’m “dolled up”! For me, comfort always beats style.

  • Snarktopus

    I dunno, I’m just too lazy for regular ‘grooming’ of my lady flower. I mean, I trim it up when it gets too unruly, but otherwise, meh. Also, totally not going to put myself through the pain of waxing in preparation for the pain of shoving a watermelon out of there. Sorry not sorry.

    • moonie27

      It doesn’t hurt so much if you get it done regularly.

      (And if it does and you’re nice, they give you a discount. True story!)

      :P

      That being said, the first few times are a giant b*tch!

    • Snarktopus

      This is where my ‘too lazy’ comes in.

    • moonie27

      :) many of my life decisions are made with consideration of my “too lazy”

      although should I ever find myself in the unlikely position of shoving out a watermelon, I am both waxing and vajazzling.

  • alice

    after some hits and misses with different salons, i came to the (potentially insensitive) conclusion that Brazilians really do give the best Brazilians. never going back! :)

  • brebay

    I’m really surprised someone ran to a waxing, because mostly, runners DON’T WAX. One word: CHAFING. The oils produced help keep things “running smoothly.”

  • brebay

    Picture #2….that’s the last guy I’d want staring down my pubes…

  • NotTakenNotAvailable

    I’m of the firm belief that hot wax and sharp objects do not belong anywhere near my most sensitive organs! Do what you will and all that, but if I ever do start dating again, dude-bro’s just gonna have to fight his way through the jungle if he wants to find my buried treasure.

  • Ashley

    I know OBs and midwives have probably seen every kind of vagina under the sun and may claim to “care less” about a bushy bush, but it’s kind of like brushing your teeth before you go to the dentist. Just do it.

    ——–
    :/

    I know it’s kind of tongue in cheek and all, but…this line doesn’t really scream “your pubes, your choice.”

    • Raff got run0ver by a reindeer

      o_0

  • mrs.pigglewiggle

    Laser tech and esthetician here; the crazy talk that my clients would spout at their appointments was the absolute best. I am a nosey nancy and like to hear all of the secrets.
    The worst: a client with a REALLY thick mane who rode her bicycle to her appointments…in TEXAS. How is that even possible?

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hey, we are kindred spirits in our pube profession!! It is funny how much people are willing to say with their legs spread wide open – I’m guilty of it too. ;) Also, I guess the exercising before a wax thing happens, though I still can’t understand why. Yuck!

    • ElleJai

      Personally I shower half an hour before my appointment, then drive there. It’s usually the second shower of the day because I do NOT want to be one of the gross customers. Ick.

    • Bethany Ramos

      AND I love you :)

  • Renee J

    Eh. My husband is happy with what I have naturally. Maybe if a meteor lands on him and I start dating again, I’ll do something down there.

  • Sonsy

    Yah, I was so relieved that my vag was hairless when I shat myself again and again and all over everyone during childbirth.

  • koolchicken

    I’ve always enjoyed a bikini wax. It’s not that I’m a sadist, I actually have sensory problems so it’s really not painful for me. But I just feel better about, well everything when I’m waxed. It’s like getting a manicure, only difference is my husband likes to pay for these.

  • gothicgaelicgirl

    unfortunately due to the Implanon contraceptive implant, my hormones are all over the place.
    This means I could go a week without stubble ANYWHERE but usually means I’ll shave legs in the evening and by morning will have mini-stubble…
    VERY frustrating.
    Thankfully my fella has a fancy for stockings so I can be a lazy cow AND a hussy at the same time! =P

  • Frannnn

    Do people over 16 really still freak out about their pubic hair like this? It’s hair. It grows in your groin. If you partner has a problem with it, stop fucking 16 year-olds. Peace made!

    • ElleJai

      Last time this conversation came up here on Mommyish, we explained that most of us could not care less about what our partners want. However for many of us it literally HURTS to let the hair grow, as well as becomes a hygiene issue.

      Please don’t insult us by assuming that we are unable to make our OWN decisions based on PERSONAL preferences.

      If growing yours works for you, fantastic. If removing all mine works for me, great. My decision doesn’t affect yours and vice versa. Thus we are pro-choice in here.

    • Dillmonkey

      I find nowadays that the only people who flip out about how being hair free down there is stupid are old farts who probably aren’t showing their goodies to anyone. I hate to tell you though that I don’t know any women under 30 who still have a jungle down there. A lot of guys are hair free now too.

      But feel free to be old and proud of your hairy vagina..

  • Psych Student

    I’m going to be honest, I trim my pubes with an electric razor. It’s a small one (a style trimmer, I think), and has attachments for various length options. Plus, since my wife doesn’t care, I can do it myself and call it close enough even if it’s splotchy. I just want it trimmed up for me because that’s how *I* like it. I think more folks should use electric trimmers. Less stubble, less pain, and less concern about blood.

  • helloshannon

    i have let my down-there-hair go to hell this pregnancy. i can’t see! i think i need to go back to my waxer… i had cut it out of my budget after baby number one but sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the common good.

  • Kresaera

    I’m shocked at the amount of people here who don’t do anything to their vagina’s lol… I have shaved nearly every other day since I was 15ish even when I was 9 months pregnant both times. I would go nuts if I had a bush lol

    • Beyoncewashere

      Amen. First experience shaving was awful but tried again in high school and can’t go back. I shave every day same as I do legs etc. I never have to worry about it growing back in itchy and I don’t ever have to feel like a hairy dude.

    • ElleJai

      Really? The only time I tried shaving I itched so badly for two weeks I never bothered again.

      But with a Brazilian, it just grows back so gently I literally don’t notice and get surprised when I see hair back.

      Just goes to show we’re all different :)

    • aliceblue

      Everyday! I’m amazed (and impressed) that someone is so dedicated to shaving any body part that they would do it everyday. I consider winter a free pass to shave my legs every-other week. :)

    • Shea

      Personally, I consider winter a pass not to shave my legs at all. The only person who sees them besides me is my boyfriend, and he doesn’t care one way or the other.

  • Harriet Meadow

    I’ve been everything from super bushy to completely bald down there. My husband doesn’t seem to care either way. I like the way sex feels when I’m bald, but then again the regrowth kind of sucks, so I mostly just keep it trimmed (and shave along the bikini line). I’ve had very different experiences with waxers. The first Brazilian bikini wax I got was awful, but that’s what I get for going really cheap. Then I started paying a little more to go to a real pro, and it didn’t hurt AT ALL and didn’t grow back painfully. So I think it matters who does it. That being said, the last time I went was when I was 35 weeks pregnant (nine months ago). I don’t think I’ll be going back any time soon, as I don’t miss the expense and neither my husband nor I really gives a sh*t.

    • Bethany Ramos

      I totally feel you on the sexy benefits of baldness ;)

  • erhyb

    this is a fine example of how people doing the most useless and pain-causing work can convince themselves that what they do is useful and necessary – a must! bravo for your self-justification. the world needs pain and unnecessary beauty standards. Did you consider breaching out into asshole bleaching? labia painting? clitoris-cutting? labia slicing? there are so many options!

  • Pingback: 10 Hot Pubic Hair Waxing Styles For Moms