• Thu, Jan 2 - 8:00 am ET

Resolution Week: Seven Things I Won’t Be Doing In 2014 Besides Getting Pregnant

I have two little kids and that is enough for me on most days, so I certainly will not be getting pregnant in 2014.  But my list goes way beyond reproduction.  While everyone is making their list of things they should do or change in the New Year, these are my resolutions not to do — as in, for better or worse, I’m keeping these things just the way they are.

In 2014 I vow NOT to:

1.  Get Pinterested.

I signed up for a Pinterest account in 2011 and the first time I logged in I spent hours browsing sites, picking the perfect board names, and pinning pictures of a me I longed to be.  And when the work day was over and I logged off, I felt absolutely terrible about myself.  I vowed never to log on again and although I have been tempted many times, I refuse to break that streak in 2014.

No not gonna happen

2.  Play Candy Crush.

I am always shocked at how many of my friends are into this game.  My writer friends, my lawyer friends, my babysitters.  No one is immune from the addiction of this game.  I have an addictive personality as it is, so I just know it’s best for me not to even try to play even once because before I know it I would be curled up in a ratty blanket on a street corner willing to do anything just to buy my way to another level.  Candy Crush is the gateway game.

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3.  Watch What Does The Fox Say.

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I admit I was more intrigued than ever when I saw a few snippets on some pop culture 2013 round-up yesterday, but I’ve never watched the video “what does the fox say?”  I learned my lesson in 2012 when I opened my ears to Gangnam Style.  Part of my addictive personality?  Catchy shitty songs just play on a loop in my head until I want to go mad.  Does anyone remember The Thong Song?  *shudder*

4.  Go With The Flow.

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I enjoy being a contrarian.  Most of the time — like when it comes to viral videos that drive everyone crazy — it serves me well.  As soon as everyone is talking about it, whatever ‘it’ is becomes dead to me.  For better or for worse. (For worse would be the fact that I’ve never seen a single episode of Breaking Bad.  My husband might forgive me if I start the series this year.)

5.  Deny Myself Bad TV.

I’m not above those Real Housewives, but let’s be honest they are getting WAAAAY boring.  I am so tired of the same casts, the same crazy, the same over the top ridiculousness.  Last season I gave up on the original OC cast and I’ve officially quit the Bev Hills clan too.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy bad TV.  I’m looking forward to the new twist in the Real World (inviting cast mates exes to the pad) and the grossness that will be 100 Days Of Summer.

6.  Act Like I’m Not Totally In Love With Tina Fey And Amy Poehler.  

These chicks are hilarious, smart and gorgeous.  They are mothers, writers and charitable celebrities.  I look up to them in every single way there is to idolize a person and I can’t wait to watch them host the Golden Globes again…and again.

7.  Grow Up.  

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I recently whined about not feeling like a grown up because of all your Facebook pictures at Thanksgiving and I was so inspired by our Eve’s rebellion against what we can and can’t do after a certain age.  So fuck it.  I’m not growing up.  I’ve got two kids and a husband and bills to pay — and I won’t shirk those responsibilities.  But I don’t have to live by someone else’s idea of who I should be, or how my table should be set or what words I can and can’t add to my vocabulary.  If that’s what it means to be a grown up, count me out.

(photo: Lucy Liu/Shutterstock)

You can reach this post's author, Carinn Jade, on twitter.
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  • Bethany Ramos

    I’m not getting pregnant in 2014 either!! So far, it’s looking like a great year. :-)

    • Carinn Jade

      That’s pretty much enough, isn’t it???

  • keelhaulrose

    Now I have the Thong Song stuck my head.
    I’d resolve to troll your posts from here on out, but that involves work, and it’s the second, and I’m just to freaking lazy. But don’t think that means it’s okay to bring up fifteen year old annoyances.

    • Natasha B

      Staaaahp. Has it really been that long? Wasn’t Sisqo popular, like, yesterday? Now must go bleach my brain…

    • keelhaulrose

      My mistake, only 14 years.
      I just looked at list of songs that were popular back then, and I’m ashamed at many I can still sing word for word.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Well, but come on, those were the best songs…..

    • keelhaulrose

      I wasn’t thinking about it, and I started singing N’Sync while doing some baking. My five year old asked what song it was. When I told her she said “I’ve never heard of them”. Yes, honey, because they went on ‘hiatus’ five years before you were born… and mommy’s old.

    • keelhaulrose

      You know, I should tell her to think of it this way: One day she’ll be in the kitchen making dinner, and one of her kids will say something that sets off that glimmer of recognition in the back of her brain, and before she knows what’s coming out of her mouth she’ll be singing “What does the fox say? Ring-a-ding-ding…”
      And her daughter will be giving her the “Mom, you’re crazy. And old. Only old people know that song” look.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      I know, I almost feel bad for all the times I rolled my eyes at my parents for the same reason, but….nah. :)

  • Justme

    A few things…

    1. My daughter is almost three and big into animal pretend. In the stands at my husband’s basketball game the other day, the 7th grade girls were asking my daughter to make all her animal noises. Then I chimed in with, “What does a fox say?” and my daughter replied, “ring, ding, ding!” The whole parents section started giggling.

    2. When my husband asked what my biggest accomplishments were of the past year, I answered, “winning my Fantasy Football league and not getting pregnant.”

    • Carinn Jade

      Boom! You dominated 2013.

  • Fuzzy ‘n Broken Mirror

    I’m kinda preggers right now.

    • Humphrey Bugoy

      still hot though

    • ElleJai

      Congrats!

  • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    I’m kind of surprised by how many of these we have in common. Like….all….

    • Carinn Jade

      Love it! Sometimes I think I’m the only one.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Seriously, it’s eerie. I have been saying I have an addictive personality for years… which is the reason I avoided Pinterest and Breaking Bad, and Candy Crush….this is so freaky! And I usually try to avoid things that everyone loves for no good reason as much as possible as well. And I just watched What Does the Fox Say for the first time on New Years Eve because I finally caved in after I saw it on so many “Top of 13 lists” and I was like, Jeeeez, I guess I’ll watch the damn thing.

    • ElleJai

      I watched… Once.

      Luckily I’ve blocked it out now.

  • DatNanny

    These are all good. Candy Crush is a horrible thing. I hate it so much and I’m on level 250.

    Though… I’m going to tell Mommyish though I’m not ready to tell anyone else (!), partner and I are discussing that we might start trying around October.

    • Bethany Ramos

      YAYYYYYY that is very exciting news :)

    • Carinn Jade

      Very excting. We will totally keep your secret!
      I can’t even believe there is a level 250.

    • ElleJai

      Ooh exciting! I’m hoping to start trying around July. I have tentative agreement, but we’re still in talks. I’m notready to hand my body over just yet anyway. I have to be able to drink for my 27th in June. But soon!

  • AnastasiaMcNally

    My New Years resolution was actually to delete candy crush, and I did! I was at level 417 (what.the.fuck) and I’m so glad I got rid of it!

  • SusannahJoy

    I have to admit, I don’t get pinterest. And I mean, really don’t get it. It’s just a bunch of pictures? That you like? That show off crafts or something? I am seriously baffled as to why that became so popular, but I am NOT going to check it out. I will remain blissfully ignorant, thankyouverymuch!

    Also, my husband got me a fitbit for Christmas (which I’m pretty stoked about), and I keep obsessively checking to see when my little icons turn into smilies, and seeing how big my flower is, so yeah, I can’t even imagine how crazy I’d get with Candy Crush.