38313758_KOQ_07162013_KW_1300_2Kim Of Queens premiered on Lifetime yesterday, because what the world needs more than anything is another show where a mess of heavily made up women scream at awkward young girls about using their instrument and rising to the occasion and spray tanning.

The show mainly focuses on Lauren, the daughter of a preacher who wants to draw attention to her singing talents by entering pageants. Lauren is all flannel shirts and combat boots and ripped jeans and minimal makeup:

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which makes Kim, who owns a business called The Pageant Place which prepares young girls to enter beauty contests, all:

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will Kim be able to transform this “ugly ducking” into a beauty queen?

It’s all super uncomfortable and creepy and the exact sort of show you would watch if you were hungover on a weekday and wanted to feel really sad about the world.

Lauren is adorable and obviously talented and she shows up on pageant day and Kim is all no, you need bra, bible and brows which is her motto or something.

There is another contestant named Anslee who basically walks around crying the whole episode.

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So then we have Lauren’s BIG REVEAL and she looks all:

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So how do you parent an ‘ugly’ child? Get them a spray tan, stick them in a strapless gown covered in jewels, get them fake eyelashes, lots of lipgloss, heels, and make them feel really bad about themselves.

The show of course doesn’t say any of this and to be honest, Kim doesn’t seem to be a bad person, but the main takeaway is that being super talented and a good person isn’t enough because you also need a lot of bronzer.

At least if you want to win a beauty pageant.

I guess winning enough contents would get Lauren attention so she could go on to win Miss Georgia and maybe get a record deal, but she seems so uncomfy with the whole thing it makes me feel bad. And I hate it when these shows take these young girls and GIVE THEM A MAKEOVER because they are basically telling them they are ugly and they need all the glitz in order to be considered attractive. Lauren doesn’t need it, none of these girls need it, and I (shocker) think they all look better without all the bling.

Yes, it could be argued by people that pageants are great and teach adolescent girls poise and self-esteem and how to apply fake eyelashes and all those other necessary life skills, and I suppose if a girl really wants to do it, which Lauren claims she does, she should be allowed to, but ugh, I just want to take them all and hug them and tell them they don’t need any of it.

(Image: Lifetime)