• Thu, Jan 2 - 4:00 pm ET

RIP Marriage: According To FOX News, You Died In 2013

117371668Marriage is over. It is, officially, judicially, a joke.

So says Dr. Keith AblowFox News personality. Good thing nobody knows who he is or cares what he thinks. Those who do know who he is and care what he thinks, or would go as far as to support the ridiculous things that are spewing forth from his mouth-hole – have got to be pretty stupid. Oh, and bigoted. And homophobic. And stupid – did I say that already?

Here’s some of his rant from Fox News:

More than a year ago, when states began to legalize gay marriage, I argued that polygamy would be the natural result.  If love between humans of legal age is the only condition required to have the state issue a marriage license, then it is irrational to assert that two men or two women can have such feelings for one another, while three women and a man, or two men and a woman, cannot.

A Judge in Utah has found part of Utah’s anti-bigamy law unconstitutional - and according to Aplow, it’s because of the gays! Because that makes sense. He told us all this would happen. Once the gays get married, groups of people are going to start marrying each other and all hell is going to break loose. The Utah ruling is actually about privacy, not polygamy, which even super-conservative Justice Scalia recognizes. But why focus on the details when you can use the case to support your wildly outrageous claims:

It will also, eventually, lead to test cases in which a few unusual sisters and brothers insist that they can marry, because they are in love and promise not to procreate, but, instead, to use donor eggs or sperm.

No it won’t. People aren’t going to start marrying their dogs either – as is the direction I’m sure your argument is going to turn, eventually.

Given this dissolution of support for society’s vested interest in providing children with a mother and father they can point to with certainty, in households where both genders are equally represented, it is very clear that government should get out of issuing marriage licenses, entirely.

Ablow’s whole, “if anyone can get married it loses its sanctity” argument is tired. Guess what? If two men or two women raise a child, that child has parents to “point to with certainty.” And since when do conservatives like Ablow care about both genders being “equally represented” in a household? That is laughable.

Sorry – marriage didn’t die in 2013. It’s more alive than it’s ever been.

(photo: Getty Images)

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • Sterf

    Oh no, what am I going to tell my husband? What about my taxes?

  • Rachel Sea

    The EPA should fine him for being a dangerous overproducer of greenhouse gasses.

    • missiemeghan

      I love this comment.

  • Mystik Spiral

    You know what kills marriage? Divorce.

  • scooby23

    Oh no! I better go alert everyone planning on getting married; they better go call off their weddings because we are allowing two people that love each other in a way that Keith determines is wrong! *alerts horse* Come on, Muffy, we have to alert everyone that MARRIAGE IS DEAD!!!!1 *hops on Muffy* *puts on colonial hat* Run Muffy run! ATTENTION EVERYONE, MARRIAGE IS DEAD! ALL YOUR MARRIAGES ARE INVALID! I REPEAT, ALL YOUR MARRIAGES ARE INVALID! STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PARTNER! THE GAYS ARE COMING THE GAYS ARE COMING THE GAYS ARE COMING!!!!!!

  • Janok Place

    Well shit, who’s this guy I’ve been letting live at my house? Damn. I must have mistaken him for a mythical creature… Oh well, shit happens. He’s cute. He can stay.

    • Andrea

      I was thinking the same thing!!! What am I gonna do with him now???

    • brebay

      Maybe you two can introduce them to each other and dim the lights, since everybody has to be gay now.

    • Andrea

      Ha ha ha!!!
      I’ll have to get myself a wife now, which come to think of it, sounds like a good deal

  • Blueathena623

    I think people who have 10 minute marriages or 10 divorces kill marriage a lot faster than anything else.
    Although, now I’m curious — if a brother and sister got medically sterilized, like seriously sterilized, should they be allowed to get married? I know it is so beside the point, but I’ve been having a GOT marathon, so its on my mind.

    • elle

      Do you ever read Dear Prudence? I don’t anymore but there was one letter about 2 gay incestuous twin brothers who were in a relationship. Slate switched around their commenting system so no more comments but the consensus was if no kids then whatever http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/02/incestuous_twin_brothers_wonder_if_they_should_reveal_their_secret_relationship_.html. Honestly, as someone who was sexually abused by my brother I just can’t really get behind it but I have a lot of personal feelings mixed up in it…

    • Blueathena623

      I do read Dear Prudie, although not for a while, and I have read that one! Its hard for me to imagine siblings who have lived together to have romantic, sexual feelings for each other, but technically, if there are no children and its a consenting relationship . . .

    • elle

      Yeah, I totally get that and 100% see the reasoning behind it. just very difficult to separate personal feelings. And then I have to wonder if my not being crazy about the idea makes me a hypocrite cuz I am so in support of gay marriage.

    • Blueathena623

      Of course, and I did not mean to make light of your situation.

    • Kay_Sue

      Why? Incest and gay marriage are two separate things. And, yes, it’s incest, which can make it feel icky, most likely because incest (while defined differently across cultures) is a near-universal taboo for us as humans in some shape or form. Doesn’t mean that we have to limit them, because people do things I don’t agree with or that make me go “wtf” every day and I somehow manage to survive and I am betting most of you do too, but it doesn’t mean that we have to run the flag up and start cheering either.

      But it also shouldn’t mean that you feel like a hypocrite. They are two separate issues and it is totally reasonable that you would have different opinions on both. The idea that not feeling comfortable with the one is hypocritical because you are in support of the other is actually just another way of stating the “slippery slope” idea. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

    • Bethany Ramos

      I read that!!!

    • meteor_echo

      That’s an interesting question. I’d probably say yes, because this planet has seen worse things that two siblings marrying for a single generation’s span. I mean, have you seen the family trees of the Egyptian pharaohs? They’re basically family masts, because no branches ever.

  • momma425

    Hurray! I got married (heterosexual married) this year, but since marriage is a joke, it doesn’t count, right? I kinda miss the single life every now and then.
    HURRAY FOR THE GAYS!

  • keelhaulrose

    “If anyone can get married it loses its sanctity”
    Dennis Rodman married himself. I don’t think he’s had a marriage that’s lasted more than 90 days. All before legal gay marriage.
    Dare I mention Britney’s Vegas ‘oopsie’? Or Kim Kardishian’s 10 million dollar farce?

    If anyone is destroying the sanctity of marriage, it ain’t the gays.

  • Lackadaisical

    Well, I recently openly disagreed with my husband and instead of obeying him as head of my household decided to have opinions of my own. I also interfered with my husband’s right to make all our important decisions for us by expecting to be an equal partner. Gays, have you been undermining the traditional and outdated model of a biblical marraige again? Shame on you. Although I suspect that many of these dinosaurs feel that the slippery slope of the destruction of their view on marriage may have started with votes for women, the legal recognition of spousal abuse or the abolition of slavery.

    • Kay_Sue

      My husband would be totally fucked if he expected a traditional biblical view of marriage.

      I do more damage to the traditional view of marriage on any given evening than “the gays” can ever hope to. Bring it on, gays. I’m throwing down the gauntlet on this one…

    • Lackadaisical

      Sounds a fun challenge. On our side we have women who think for themselves and refuse to be quiet little servants or property, and on team rainbow we have a love that isn’t identical to the way the traditionalists like it so must therefore be wrong or not real (because what self respecting reactionary dinosaur could tolerate something that isn’t their way they do things). Challenge one: poisoning children’s innocence by raising them to think for themselves and respect and tolerate yet acknowledge the differences of others. I think it is probably a draw so far.

    • Julie

      This just reminded me of a conversation a friend of mine had with a guy at a pizza shop.

      Him: “Do you need a receipt.”
      Her:”No that’s ok. Thanks.”
      Him: “Don’t you need to take it home so you can show it to your husband?”
      Her: “What? Excuse me, no.”
      Him: “Well I guess it’s ok because you’re pregnant now.”

      WTF

    • Lackadaisical

      What? Really? But … but … but ….no, sorry, I can’t wrap my brain around that one. I would say that there is a man who will never know the love of a woman (or man) but all kinds of pillocks manage to attract a mate. I can only assume that a person would only want to be with a chauvinistic dinosaur like that, who won’t respect them, because the chauvasaur used a pact with shadowy cthuloid entities from the dimension that their values slithered out of.

  • brebay

    Good news for every poor schmoe married to a Fox anchor.

    • Kay_Sue

      Talk about a light at the end of that tunnel, eh?

  • brebay

    So it’s the >5% gay marriage rate that did it, not the 50% straight divorce rate?

  • Kay_Sue

    The slippery slope argument is tired. So tired.

    I don’t disagree with polygamy. Why? Because it’s none of my goddamn business what any grown, consenting person is doing with their love life. This is the truth.

    I’m feeling generous tonight, so here’s a spouse for you…and a spouse for you…and a spouse for you…and three spouses for you, because why the hell not?

  • Scaredevil

    Um, if this moron wants to support a Biblical view of marriage, he obviously didn’t read the Bible worth shit. There is polygamy in there, and it is seen in a positive light. But again, Faux News and its cherry-picking the Bible again, not surprised.