• Wed, Jan 1 - 5:00 pm ET

Here Are Some Messages For Your Friends Who Insist On ‘Inspiring’ You Today

Maybe I’m just a jaded cynic with a black heart – but one of the most annoying things about social media is the inundation of inspirational messages that happen at certain times of the year. You know what I’m talking about; there’s usually a sunset involved, and the promise that “you can do it.”

Well, it’s New Year’s Day – so I can only imagine it’s going to be a veritable shit show of positivity out there. And you’re probably hungover and just really want to eat pizza all day and stay in your jammies and not think about all of the smooth sand beaches you should be running on or the mountains you need to climb.

I’ve made you all some posters for your timelines – so you can let all your well-intentioned friends know they need to back the fuck off of your life goals for a minute and let you ring in the new year in peace. You’re welcome.

 

Stop with the inspirational messages.

 

inspiration

 

 

 We get it. You’re a runner now.

 

running

 

BOOM.

 

life

 

I really don’t care that you can jump onto a dining table from the floor in one, swift motion.

 

crossfit2

 

Sorry – but it’s true.

 

fat

 

(photos: Getty Images)

What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • Cee

    I didn’t get a lot of inspiration quotes as much as I got long winding love devotions between couples about the year the had and how they showed the doubters and haters and love forever blah blah blah. Somehow they were worse.

    • pixie

      Those make me want to vomit. I get it, you’re in love. I love my boyfriend, but for some strange reason I don’t feel the need to post it all over Facebook and twitter. Obviously we’re not as in love as those who do, I guess?

    • Cee

      I usually mention “my love”, “my wife” or tag her whenever I post about being somewhere fun or doing something with her. “Disneyland yay!- with Cee’s gf” or “Watching 30 Rock reruns with my love. Happy New Years!”

      I guess my love is more…”oh yea, she is here too”

    • Lackadaisical

      That is completely different and reasonable

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      I loathe PDA in all its forms. I nearly lost my already-tenuous grasp on dinner last night while on the bus home from my friend’s because the couple directly in front of me was all cuddly and kissy, and I have an inexplicable, pathological revulsion to kissing/licking noises as well as shit that should not take place on what had rapidly become the clown bus.

      And before anyone starts thinking it’s due to my longstanding singleness (which, as we all know, is a contagious disease on par with SuperTuberculosis and genital warts), I was that way even when I had a boyfriend. I didn’t like holding his hand in public, and the most we ever posted on each other’s Facebooks was the occasional, “Hey, what time is your flight tomorrow?” and the like.

    • Kay_Sue

      Licking noises? I don’t care who you are, that’s effin’ gross, man.

      For the record, I totally read that as noses at first! Which was grosser.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      Ugh, actually, they at least didn’t go that far, or there would have been a serious amount of blown chunks on the bus (and probably not for the last time that night, either).

      Pretty much anything having to do with tongues or the possible application of tongues to…well, anythinng majorly grosses me out!

    • Lackadaisical

      Yuck! Also, if their love is so strong and unassailable what have they got to proveprove to the rest of us? Why do they need us to acknowledge that their love is the real deal if their oh-so-wonderful relationship completes them so much. I love it when one of the couple gushes and the other is restrained and even a little cagey about their emotions, but then I am evil.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      OH MY GOD!!! UGH! I hate those. I have a friend like that. I love her, but ever since she has met this one guy, it has been non-stop “me and my boyfriend” post. This is her first serious relationship since her divorce and he really does seem like a nice guy. But they are both in that stupid, sticky-sweet, honeymoon phase and they only have time for each other. And when I do hear from her it is all about how cool he is, how funny he is, what a great lover he is, what an amazing cook he is….blah, blah blah!!! And all of her FB post is picture of him and her and love songs and pictures of people kissing.

    • Lackadaisical

      I don’t recall ever being that publicly soppy about the beginning of a relationship but then I am English so they trained me from the cradle to be repressed as well as injecting starch into my upper lip to stiffen it. Shame my equally English friends’ parents didn’t get the memo as they love to gush about their relationships like that.

    • darras

      *stiff-upper-lip five* We English have to stick together with our repressed yet stoic behaviour.

    • Lackadaisical

      I suspect a stiff upper lip five is where tap our sober coloured brollies and give each other a knowing look over raised cups of tea. That or we just give each other a subdued doff of our hats. I am unsure if my stereotype hat should be my bowler hat as I am middle class or cloth cap because I live in Yorkshire. Yes, American friends, even the women, children and dogs wear bowler hats because the stereotypes are true and Mary Poppins was a documentary. Except for Dick Van Dyke. In 1000 years time we will still not have forgiven you for Mr Van Dyke’s appalling mockney accent.

    • Miriam

      Ew.

    • hm

      I find it it to be statistically true from some hard core research (aka facebook stalking of people who I know well enough outside of facebook to know that their relationship is actually shit) that the people who do that have terrible, terrible relationships.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      That is science and I totally believe you.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Those are the WORST.

    • Kay_Sue

      I created a list in my Rather app to block those preemptively. They are being replaced with GIFs of animals being dicks, and I am pleased. ;)

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      “Rather app?” I’m going to have to research this…

    • Kay_Sue

      I found it looking for Unbaby.Me. I use Chrome, and it is a sanity-saver sometimes. I have new baby lists, political lists, current events that mean nothing lists…it’s great.

    • Janok Place

      I recently found out that a collection of DH’s “friends” sat around our camp fire on our wedding night and totally trashed our relationship, voted to start a betting pool on when our impending divorce would take place etc. It MUST be because I don’t post that crap on facebook. It’s obvious from their posts that they love each other that much more. Duh.

      Oh and to the couple who were totally trashing our marriage because we had a baby first (but were engaged prior to pregnancy). Total congrats at getting knocked up that night!

  • Bethany Ramos

    These quotes made my day! I’ve been seeing tons of blessed New Years lists on FB – pretty much listing every awesome thing that happened in 2013. I’m not bitter because I really had an amazing year, but something feels disingenuous about humble bragging about it.

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    I feel like I can always tell what sort of marital problems a person is having based on their inspirational posts, stuff about loving the one who sticks around, or who doesn’t make you cry more than smile.
    Actually, someone I know posted an original inspiring message this year, something from her heart after losing her fiance recently. And no cheesy picture. It was perfect and beautiful.

    • Lackadaisical

      I think under the circumstances even a cheesy picture inspirational message would have been understandable. I despise inspirational chain posts but my friend with a kid who has a serious condition which means the child has a real possibility of not making the next new year can post as many of the ones related to her child and the child’s condition as she likes.

  • Kay_Sue

    Bless you for this post, Maria. Makes Facebook more bearable today. ;)

  • NotTakenNotAvailable

    I actually am planning to climb a few mountains and run on some sandy beaches, but hell no am I going to post that in the form of a badly-fonted message, because I sure as shit don’t want the people who would otherwise not climb those mountains or run on those beaches to be so inspired that they come with me and blow my good time!

    • coffeeandshoes

      The fonts are always atrocious – you’re absolutely right! Bad quotes, bad fonts, BAD NEWS.

  • ktbay

    Oh god the crossfit! My husband and I always make an over/under bet on the number of minutes that will go by when we see his sister and her husband before they start in on their “wod”…

  • DatNanny

    Oh god I hate the “inspirational messages”. I love these. I want desperately to post the last one, but I know it would be taken personally by at least one friend. (And… rightly so, admittedly.)

  • Rowan

    I was trying to find this great spoof one that has something like “a cheesy quote in lots of different font, and now here’s a picture of a tree” but this one is pretty good… http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lb4tlcidwa1qawpsxo1_500.jpg

  • scooby23

    Here, I made another quote I find quite the inspiration: “When all else fails, put on your sweats, turn on Dance Moms, and stuff your face with pizza. (Hint: Still feel bad? Two words: more pizza.)”

    Than you Maria, for all the inspiration in the post. *Tears up*

  • ElleJai

    I’ve got one friend who has worked her butt off to get on top of chronic illness, move on from dysfunctional relationships, and otherwise turn her life around. When she posts that stuff, it’s wonderful.

    My cousin, on the other hand, goes through phases of up and majorly down. And when he tries to post inspiring rubbish, I roll my eyes and sigh soooo hard…

  • Jo

    OMG that was so funny…… that really made my day