Resolution Week: 10 Ways I Vow Not To Lose Any Baby Weight In 2014

183867648Some family members and friends probably wonder when I’m going to lose the baby weight. Listen, it wasn’t that long ago that I had a baby. As a matter of fact, it has only been nine years and I’m pretty sue I have a jar of minced garlic that has been festering in my refrigerator for longer than that. Committing to keeping the weight on is a lot of work, but I’m here to reassure all of you new moms (Like me!) that you don’t have to go through this struggle alone. How can we vow not to lose any weight in 2014? Here are 10 ways we can make this resolution happen!

1: Cupcakes 

I’m a BIG fan (GET IT?!) of cakes. But cupcakes are better because they are smaller, hence you can eat more. On Christmas Eve, I opened the door to a delivery from my boss Megan Keane who sent me an assortment from Baked By Melissa and these cupcakes were fantastic. I’d be hard pressed to pick a favorite, so I should probably order some more so I can decide which flavor will help me keep my resolution to not lose any weight.

 2: Macaroni And Cheese 

Some of you may think I’m just trolling you guys to all post your favorite macaroni and cheese recipes (Which yes, yes I am) and Julia Sonenshein says she has the best recipe ever, which I think she bases off an Ina Garten recipe. Macaroni and Cheese may be the most perfect food on earth. It freezes well, kids love it, and it’s perfect for these dreary wintery months when we are waiting for spring to come and Game Of Thrones to return. I’ll be making mac and cheese and new mac and cheese recipes as a cornerstone of my New Year’s Resolutions.

 3: More Binge Watching Of TV Shows

I just started watching The Good Wife and I only have like 8382982 more episodes to go! There is just something so cozy and relaxing about watching a few seasons of a well-written show (especially one that features a strong female lead!) and I realize there are lots of other shows people love that I should probably start watching, like Sherlock. So, yes, you are correct, I need your suggestions about what series I can enjoy because I’m sure as hell not going to start jogging or something.

4: Foundation Garments 

In 2014, I vow to encase my fat in more scintillating undergarments. That way, in case I do eat 10 cupcakes, I can just corset all that mess in.

 5: By Making My Bed More Inviting 

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of my bedding. I vow to get some new sheets and a new feather duvet to make my bed even cozier so I won’t be tempted to do anything stupid, like get out of it and take an early morning yoga class.

6: By Getting My Lifetime On

Did you know there is a new adaptation of Flowers In The Attic airing on Lifetime on January and a Lizzie Borden movie about Lizzie Borden on January 25?  Jenni Maier from Crushable and I are basically doing nothing in January but getting ready to celebrate these occasions. I need to make themed snacks to go along with both.

 7: By Accepting Myself For Who I Am 

I’m never going to be asked to be a Victoria’s Secret model. I’m OK with that. And I have beautiful eyes and hair and teeth and I give excellent hugs to my kids.

8: More Booze 

I’m vowing to drink more in 2014. Hear me out, I have a history of alcoholism in my family so I’m one of those people who adore a cocktail on occasion, like maybe once a week. This isn’t nearly enough. I’m never going to drink two days in a row or drink in the morning (Unless it is Christmas, of course) but I need to cut down my Diet Coke consumption (because that shit is evil) and my husband is always telling me how good red wine is for people so I need to start drinking it more and stop being so scared of enjoying a glass of wine at dinner more often.

9: By continuing to make fun of POST BABY BODY HEADLINES

I had so much fun with this in 2013. From this to this to this, I will continue to make fun of all of the dumb post-baby body weightless celebrity stories.

10: By not feeling guilty when one of you talks about your 2014 diet 

I respect any woman and what she wants to do with her body and how she wants to feed it and treat it. To each their own. You can Master Cleanse or forgo carbs or run a marathon or do none of this or all of this and I will support you. I just know my 2014 plan involves cupcakes and sleeping in and sunshine and trying to eat more vegetables. I’m done with anyone who wants to diet or lose weight or get healthy, as long as I don’t have to feel bad in case I don’t.

(Image: getty images)

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  • Bethany Ramos

    Why is RuPaul so wise and beautiful??

    • Eve Vawter


    • barefootwithoutagun

      Can I get an Amen in here?!

    • jmuns79

      Don’t be jealous of her boogie.

  • SusannahJoy

    I make Mac and Cheese the way my mom taught me! Make a nice béchamel sauce (with nutmeg! always nutmeg!) and layer macaroni with extra sharp cheddar, pour the sauce over it, and bake until cripsy! Then pour on the salt and pepper (it works best if you put it on after it’s cooked, like french fries!). And now I know what I’m making for dinner!

    • Eve Vawter

      Uhh coming over

    • Bethany Ramos

      I must eat this.

  • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    I love you so much right now! Thanks for this!

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Also, it’s frightening how long I could stare at that cupcake getting frosted GIF.

  • candyvines

    Need those cupcakes circa now.

  • Zettai

    I cannot WAIT until the new Flowers in the Attic. I will mix the viewing with cupcakes and booze to keep to your diet.

    The first movie was horrible and not true to the book. I get that incest is not the most super topic but neither is murder or rape and that’s always in movies! I even read the script Wes Craven wrote for it back in the day that never got made… I’m glad it didn’t.

  • candyvines

    This is totally off topic, but any chance the link at the bottom of the page with the photo of the super sad baby could go away? It’s really hard to look at :(

    • Harriet Meadow

      I second that.

    • Eve Vawter

      This is so weird. I cannot see what you guys are talking about at all

    • candyvines

      It isn’t there right now for me, but shows up often under “What We’re Reading.” It’s a link from itsybitsy something about a couple that got 60 years for starving their baby.

    • Eve Vawter

      Ugh no I don’t see that. Plus, I have no control over what goes up there :( The owners of the website do.

    • candyvines

      Thanks for checking, it probably won’t be around forever.

    • Eve Vawter

      I hope not because it sounds awful, I have The stir and your tango links on mine, so weird

    • Harriet Meadow

      Yeah, The Stir and Your Tango links are under “Recommended By Mommyish” for me. The article about the starving baby is under the heading “What We’re Reading.” I can see the picture right now. It’s horrifying and makes me sick to my stomach every time I see it (which is often).

  • Katie L.

    I want to cross stitch all of this on a sampler, but that’s a lot of work so maybe I’ll just print it out and draw a heart around it. Also I want those cupcakes.

  • John Bing

    and this is called the real spoiler alert,

  • Alicia Kiner

    I actually just read the entire Flowers in the Attic series, so I’m kinda psyched to watch the movie. Also the sad baby story turned out well. The baby is in foster care and is now at a healthy weight and is all smiles.

  • barefootwithoutagun

    David Lebovitz’s mac n’ cheese. That is all.

  • Harriet Meadow

    I wish I had the baby weight excuse, because I would totally use it. Unfortunately, I lost all of the weight I gained with the baby (to the POUND) by my six-week appointment. I’ve now gained 10 lbs back…pretty sure there’s no excuse for that. Except my love of beer.

    • Véronique Houde

      same here ;). Thankfully though, the week I had decided to get onto an official diet to get rid of the weight, I found out I was pregnant again ;). At least now, I don’t feel bad about the extra weight anymore. I just look pregnant!

    • Harriet Meadow


  • Jenni

    First item on the Flowers in the Attic menu: donuts sprinkled with poison.

  • Mel

    You inspired me to get off my lazy ass an do something! So, I made some brown sugar brownies with tiny chocolate chips. Happy New Year to me :)

  • bigger than the sound

    I make Alton Brown’s Good Eats Stove Top mac and cheese. SOOO EASY AND GOOD. I have also done this in the crockpot without cooking the noodles first.
    I just lost a bunch of weight because I was trying to win $$ at a gym, and I always feel like such a douche when people ask me about it. How do I talk about what I did to do it without sounding like a fitness freakazoid? People act like they want to know, but when I tell them …. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m not part of the crowd or something.

  • cupcakegirl

    Love cupcakes from baked by Melissa. I ordered them on a whim last Christmas for family and I fell in love with them. I’m in Maryland and order them often. It helps I have a student who visits family every other month there and brings me back some every time lol.

  • Fuzzy ‘n Broken Mirror


    we’ve all seen your pics, sheesh, you’re fine!

    damn attentionwhore! >:(

  • Rachel Sea

    Open up a box of Annie’s shells and cheddar, make the pasta and sauce per the directions, add a shit ton of garlic Tabasco or Sriracha, eat it like it’s your job.

    I did make mac ‘n cheese from scratch recently with a cheese sauce made from heavy cream, aged sharp white cheddar, and cave-aged Gruyere. It was delicious, but seeing as how it was more expensive, and more work than Annie’s, I’ll mostly be sticking to the box.

  • Jessica

    Martha Stewart’s Mac & Cheese is guaranteed to reverse any progress towards losing baby weight. It’s soooo good. I want to adopt Martha as my stern but lovable aunt who will cook me perfect meals and tell me stories about the slammer.

  • aCongaLine

    fashioning axes made of fondant for your cupcakes seems like an appropriate way to celebrate Lizzie Borden (she’s from my hometown! PARTY!) however, the bakery might look at you strangely, sooo, best to make those DIY :)

  • Durkin

    This is just sad. 1 and 2, Food. 3 and 6, spend more time watching tv. 4 cover up my fatness better (though I thought according to her nothing is wrong with being fat?) 5, Sleep more. 8 Drink more, 9 continue making fun of skinny women trying to support people being skinny. 10 in the same thought she says she both supports and is done with people trying to be healthier. Because fuck logic I guess. And my personal favorite. Number 7, accepting herself for who she is. For one I believe a humble modesty is preferable to loving yourself. Perfection is unobtainable but that is no excuse not to strive for it. And if your weight is a defining feature in who you are, or any part of your personal appearance for that matter. Reevaluate your priorities.