• Tue, Dec 31 - 10:00 am ET

Resolution Week: 10 Things Your Kids Need To Do In 2014

172294921Resolutions are really wasted on us parents. You know what? We are all pretty perfect. You know who really needs to resolve to improve in 2014? Those people we gave birth to. I don’t know about you guys, but I can easily come up with a whole mess of things that kids need to resolve to do better this year.

1: They need to resolve to pee where they are supposed to

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

Pee goes INTO the toilet where the PEE HOLE is. Not on the floor, not behind the toilet, not on the wall next to the toilet but INTO the actual toilet. Listen, I know kids have been pissing in an actual toilet for a lot less longer than adults have but it’s high time they start peeing where they are actually supposed to.

2: To stop leaving a few crumbs in the cereal box 

(Image: wikipedia)

(Image: wikipedia)

What sort of monster leaves three sad Froot Loops in the bottom of the box and opens up a new box of cereal? That monster you gave birth to. I am not sure who is supposed to consume the sad cereal dust at the bottom of the box, but your kids assume the magical pantry cleaning fairy will deal with this while they happily tear through a new box of Cookie Crisp. I resolve in 2014 that I’m going to start collecting all these cereal dregs in a Ziploc and present them to my kids for a NYD breakfast in 2015.

3: To give us their damn permission slips on time 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

Oh you need $20 IN CASH because the school won’t take a check and you need me to fill out three forms and the school bus is coming in five minutes? And you need this all today because today is the deadline and if you don’t turn this in you won’t be able to go to the science museum with your entire class? And you also need a sack lunch in a disposable bag and to wear your school shirt that I didn’t wash because I didn’t think you HAD to wear it today? Why didn’t you tell me this all last night like a normal person?

4: To stop asking us shit the second we get on the phone 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

If you ever want to get your kid’s attention make a long distance phone call. I don’t care how old your kid is, you will never be as fascinating to them, nor will they ever need to ask you something important, or demand your attention, as much as they will the second you try to make a phone call.

5: To stop using the last of whatever and not telling us

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(Image: getty images)

At this very moment you are out of SOMETHING in your house because your dumb kids didn’t tell you that they used the last of it. I don’t know what it is, but I know you are currently drinking black coffee with no sugar and getting ready to blow your nose on a paper towel because you have no tissue paper in your house.

 6: To stop leaving stuff where people walk 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

At the foot of the stairs in my garage leading into my house is the outdoor shoe depository. It doesn’t matter that there is a basket next to these stairs where the shoes are SUPPOSED to go, there is a pile of shoes just waiting for me to trip over them when I am carrying heavy groceries into the house. Thanks kids!

 7: That when a parent says NO, they mean NO 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

For the GABILLIONTH time, when I have said no you cannot get a hamster, or a knife, or a BB gun, or a new cell phone, or a sword, or a different small knife you can have just in case you need to “protect” your family, or a gerbil, or a snake, or throwing stars, I mean no. Seriously.

 8: They need to realize that the world is not their garbage can 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

Scratch that, not the world, ME. Why is it my kid will ask me for a piece of gum and I will give them one, they will unwrap it, and then they hand the wrapper to me like it’s my job to throw it out for them?

 9: They need to make an effort to understand the English language 

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

When I say I am going upstairs to take a shower that does not mean I am inviting you to come upstairs three seconds later to ask me if you can have a hamster.

10: They need to resolve to get more sleep

(Image: getty images)

(Image: getty images)

All the kids need to sleep more. I don’t care how old they are. They need to go to sleep at a decent hour, and stay in bed through the night, and wake up when we wake up. Preferably, in their own bed.

(Image: getty images)

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  • Alicia Kiner

    Yes to all of the above! Can we add husband’s to this? Cause mine is guilty of about half of these as well, sadly. Especially the shoes at the bottom of the stairs. Ugh.

    • Amanda Rene Slinger

      Omg preach! I bought a basket so my husband has a place for gloveshatsflashlightpocketknives he uses on a nightly basis doing farm chores and feeding our 22 goats and 2 horses. HE STILL THROWS THEM ON THE ENTRY FLOOR RIGHT NEXT TO THE FUCKING BASKET. RAGE. So. Much. Rage.

      I ask to so chores while he watches the baby…noooope. Gotta changeoilwireelectricfencerworkontractor or whatever it takes to keep me trapped inside when it’s 20 below zero and I can’t take my baby out to the barn with me. He throws his coats on the floor too, right next to the hook where it was hung before he went outside. He even hung the damn coat hooks. I just don’t get it.

    • C.J.

      My husband always wears a pair of long johns or track pants under his jeans in the winter. I have actually found his jeans on the floor in the kitchen and him walking around in whatever he had on underneath. His explanation was that they were wet from the snow and he had to take them off right away. Really, in the kitchen, the bathroom is only 10 feet away!

    • Natasha B

      Socks. Leaves his dirty socks on the floor. NEXT TO THE BASKET. One day, I will smother him in his sleep and that will be why.

    • Ddaisy

      Also retail customers. Most of these apply to retail customers too. I don’t have kids but holy moley if all the customers in the world would take no for an answer, throw their garbage in the garbage, and watch where they pee, the world would be a better place!

  • Mss

    If 10 can happen the rest of my life would be manageable.

  • Kay_Sue

    I have finally broken through the barrier on handing me trash, ironically enough by consistently responding with “I am not the trash can. It’s over there.”

    I think this year we are working on pee in the potty (dear heavens, my three year old who has been potty training…so much power…so little aim) and not leaving things where people walk. My feet are raw and calloused from stepping on shit.

    • Allyson_et_al

      Good luck with the peeing. My son is 10, and we’re STILL dealing with this. Yech.

    • Natasha B

      Noooooo :/ ours is 4, and my bathroom constantly smells like pee now. Someone tell me there’s hope….please…

    • brebay

      Your only hope is to give him his own bathroom. I love my sons but the happiest day of my life was when I bought my new house with MY OWN BATHROOM!!!

    • Natasha B

      He shares a bathroom with his sister, but insists on using MINE. I just go through Lysol like never before now :/

    • Rachel Sea

      Make him clean it up, and do a good job of it. He’ll have incentive to either aim, or sit if he’s the one on his knees wiping up old pee from behind the toilet.

    • Allyson_et_al

      Oh, believe me, we do. It’s cut down on the problem, but it hasn’t solved it yet!

  • kay

    I have a baby, so her only resolution is to learn to get us a beer. I think it’s doable in 2014. Her dad has been asking since I got knocked up “so… how big is a kid before they can understand and bring you a beer? Like, 6 months?”
    We dream big in my house.

    • DatNanny

      My uncle asked me to pour him a drink at a party recently. That’s also when he informed me I’d been pouring his drinks for him since I was about 2 1/2. I had no memory of it. Apparently I was a pretty good toddler bartender.

    • Allyson_et_al

      My uncle got me drunk when I was 2. Does that count?

  • pineapplegrasss

    My daughter’s still remember (and tell the story over and over) the night 15yrs ago when I went on a middle of the night rampage because I stepped on a jack in the dark and it actually pierced my heel. Boy, did I clear out all those toys on the floor, electric flames shooting up my leg and all… And they have a story about the vacuum I flipped out on once when I came home from work, bc it sat in the hall for 3 days after I had put it there and told them to vacuum.. ahh memories.
    Lastly, you know you have boys when you lift the toilet seat in the middle of the night and hear ‘splash.’ WTF was that…?

  • Paul White

    Can I have a hamster? Actually I need 3-4 so I can set up a breeding group t ofeed the snakes…

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  • Allyson_et_al

    This list is the best. My kids are 10 and 13, and they still don’t do these things consistently! And I’m not exactly a laid-back, let-them-get-away-with-murder type of mom. The phone one kills me. I can’t get my 13-year-old to talk to me half the time, but if I’m making a vital call to the bank or the doctor, there she is, with 17 important things to say/ask, 14 of which pertain to her summer plans. Even though it’s December.

    The less said about the 10-year-old and his aim, the better.

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