Resolutions are really wasted on us parents. You know what? We are all pretty perfect. You know who really needs to resolve to improve in 2014? Those people we gave birth to. I don’t know about you guys, but I can easily come up with a whole mess of things that kids need to resolve to do better this year.
1: They need to resolve to pee where they are supposed to
Pee goes INTO the toilet where the PEE HOLE is. Not on the floor, not behind the toilet, not on the wall next to the toilet but INTO the actual toilet. Listen, I know kids have been pissing in an actual toilet for a lot less longer than adults have but it’s high time they start peeing where they are actually supposed to.
2: To stop leaving a few crumbs in the cereal boxÂ
What sort of monster leaves three sad Froot Loops in the bottom of the box and opens up a new box of cereal? That monster you gave birth to. I am not sure who is supposed to consume the sad cereal dust at the bottom of the box, but your kids assume the magical pantry cleaning fairy will deal with this while they happily tear through a new box of Cookie Crisp. I resolve in 2014 that I’m going to start collecting all these cereal dregs in a Ziploc and present them to my kids for a NYD breakfast in 2015.
3: To give us their damn permission slips on timeÂ
Oh you need $20 IN CASH because the school won’t take a check and you need me to fill out three forms and the school bus is coming in five minutes? And you need this all today because today is the deadline and if you don’t turn this in you won’t be able to go to the science museum with your entire class? And you also need a sack lunch in a disposable bag and to wear your school shirt that I didn’t wash because I didn’t think you HAD to wear it today? Why didn’t you tell me this all last night like a normal person?
4: To stop asking us shit the second we get on the phoneÂ
If you ever want to get your kid’s attention make a long distance phone call. I don’t care how old your kid is, you will never be as fascinating to them, nor will they ever need to ask you something important, or demand your attention, as much as they will the second you try to make a phone call.
5: To stop using the last of whatever and not telling us
At this very moment you are out of SOMETHING in your house because your dumb kids didn’t tell you that they used the last of it. I don’t know what it is, but I know you are currently drinking black coffee with no sugar and getting ready to blow your nose on a paper towel because you have no tissue paper in your house.
Â 6: To stop leaving stuff where people walkÂ
At the foot of the stairs in my garage leading into my house is the outdoor shoe depository. It doesn’t matter that there is a basket next to these stairs where the shoes are SUPPOSED to go, there is a pile of shoes just waiting for me to trip over them when I am carrying heavy groceries into the house. Thanks kids!
Â 7: That when a parent says NO, they mean NOÂ
For the GABILLIONTH time, when I have said no you cannot get a hamster, or a knife, or a BB gun, or a new cell phone, or a sword, or a different small knife you can have just in case you need to “protect” your family, or a gerbil, or a snake, or throwing stars, I mean no. Seriously.
Â 8: They need to realize that the world is not their garbage canÂ
Scratch that, not the world, ME. Why is it my kid will ask me for a piece of gum and I will give them one, they will unwrap it, and then they hand the wrapper to me like it’s my job to throw it out for them?
Â 9: They need to make an effort to understand the English languageÂ
When I say I am going upstairs to take a shower that does not mean I am inviting you to come upstairs three seconds later to ask me if you can have a hamster.
10: They need to resolve to get more sleep
All the kids need to sleep more. I don’t care how old they are. They need to go to sleep at a decent hour, and stay in bed through the night, and wake up when we wake up. Preferably, in their own bed.
(Image: getty images)