I love our readers. You guys I LOVE YOU. Jessica just posted this on our Facebook wall for all of us to enjoy:
Derp derp derp.
I wanna know how our friend here magically makes stretch marks go away. Does he have some magical miracle cream that makes them magically vanish? Plus, there are plenty of pro athletes, both male and female, with zero percent body fat who also have stretch marks. I felt the need to share this with the other Mommyish ladies in the office today, so here’s what they have to say:
Hi Steven. Look, I get it. you’re an expert in your field, an ”executive marketing and sales manager for a fast growing motocross race team” in a hobbyist capacity, and a snappy dresser with a perfect physical form.
And who am I to quibble with you? I was recently called a “member of the Tribe..[with] a big nose and short, stubby guy legs” by someone who had never seen what I look like. So I know what I am, and I know what you are, and I know it’s taking a whole lot of moxie for me to question your statement about stretch marks. So I won’t, because I’m too busy kidding myself about how much I like myself. Thank you for pointing out the endemic tragedy of women who are okay with their bodies after they, I don’t know, grew a human person inside of them. It’s a sick, sad world when women draw their sense of self worth from something other than your approval. Keep up the good work, and sick shades!
You guys – he didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, as illustrated by his ability to quote horrible songs:
Also – he’s attempting to explain himself:
Steven, thank you. Everyone knows that stretch marks are the product of laziness; I’m positive my midwife told me that at all my prenatal appointments. Also, you are the worst.
In conclusion, ladies, please, for the love of everything, do not let a man who thinks this way put his P anywhere NEAR your V. Seriously. This is just asking for trouble if you should get yourself in the family way and ever, you know, gain a few pounds.
PS: derp derp derp derp