• Tue, Dec 31 - 1:10 pm ET

Check Out This Awesome Douchebag Dudebro ™ Dropping Stretch Mark Knowledge On FB

I love our readers. You guys I LOVE YOU. Jessica just posted this on our Facebook wall for all of us to enjoy:




Derp derp derp.


I wanna know how our friend here magically makes stretch marks go away. Does he have some magical miracle cream that makes them magically vanish? Plus, there are plenty of pro athletes, both male and female, with zero percent body fat who also have stretch marks. I felt the need to share this with the other Mommyish ladies in the office today, so here’s what they have to say:

Julia Sonenshein

Hi Steven. Look, I get it. you’re an expert in your field, an ”executive marketing and sales manager for a fast growing motocross race team” in a hobbyist capacity, and a snappy dresser with a perfect physical form.



And who am I to quibble with you? I was recently called a “member of the Tribe..[with] a big nose and short, stubby guy legs” by someone who had never seen what I look like. So I know what I am, and I know what you are, and I know it’s taking a whole lot of moxie for me to question your statement about stretch marks. So I won’t, because I’m too busy kidding myself about how much I like myself. Thank you for pointing out the endemic tragedy of women who are okay with their bodies after they, I don’t know, grew a human person inside of them. It’s a sick, sad world when women draw their sense of self worth from something other than your approval. Keep up the good work, and sick shades!

Maria Guido: 

You guys – he didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, as illustrated by his ability to quote horrible songs:

Screen Shot 2013-12-31 at 11.48.18 AM

Also – he’s attempting to explain himself:

Screen Shot 2013-12-31 at 11.48.06 AMOh – he was talking about a burger baby, bitches! The poor guy doesn’t know what “taken out of context” means. This is too easy. It’s not even fun. 


Bethany Ramos:

Steven, thank you. Everyone knows that stretch marks are the product of laziness; I’m positive my midwife told me that at all my prenatal appointments. Also, you are the worst.


In conclusion, ladies, please, for the love of everything, do not let a man who thinks this way put his P anywhere NEAR your V. Seriously. This is just asking for trouble if you should get yourself in the family way and ever, you know, gain a few pounds.

PS: derp derp derp derp

(Image: facebook)

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  • Smishsmash

    Is this guy really in marketing or is that made up? Because why does it seem like every single viral story of an idiot this year involves someone in a field where they should be aware that causing bad publicity is a bad career move? Do they no longer teach the “if you don’t have anything nice to say on social media, keep your damn trap shut” rule in business school anymore?

    Also Brad there deserves a medal. Someone give Brad a job in marketing pronto because he has really mastered the ability not to make himself and the entity he represents look like a damn fool in public.

    • JLH1986

      Facebook is private, duh!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I am Team Brad all the way

    • LJ

      They teach you things in real business school… not necessarily Kaplan University.

  • cesp

    I was going to be the bigger person but f-it. He is one doofey looking man-child. Seriously, is he twelve? Turn your damn hat around and at least pretend to be a grown up.

  • JKVC12

    What’s really depressing is that some smart lady IS letting him put his P near her V as evidenced in his ‘Year in Review’ post: he got married. It’s also pretty disheartening to see that he made E-6 and serves in our Armed Forces as an NCO now. Let’s hope he’s infantry and doesn’t have the opportunity to supervise/criticize women under his command.

    • Alicia Kiner

      I really hope this is true, and his wife bitch slaps him when they get home!

  • CMJ

    Uh oh ladies! Now we are PMSing hornets!!!

    This dude in his horrible fit jacket, earring, and douchefuck sunglasses can pretty much go to hell.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Douchefuck is now my favorite adjective.

    • helloshannon

      of course he’s a wordsmith… he goes to Kaplan.

  • alice

    meh. i’ll be in the less popular camp of thinking it’s counterproductive to publish stuff like this on a widely read blog. calling out some joe nobody who made a douchey post on social media? why?

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Payback for all the women he made feel like shit with that post

    • CMJ

      He doesn’t care. He just posted this exact article on FB page and once again said his words were taken out of context.

      ETA: Oh, he already erased it. But he did say he felt “famous.”

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Lol famous.

    • Haradanohime

      more like infamous

  • ScottA

    He can’t have stretch marks. He isn’t big enough anywhere. His wrists are the size of a teenager. I’d be afraid to bump into him because he’d probably get hurt.

  • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

    Going to the gym can *cause* stretchmarks. Well, not for me probably, I dont think I am likely to put on that much muscle quickly. But body builders get them often. My husband has stretch marks all over his calves because he has legs like popeye’s arms. There’s no fat on them, but they’re huge. This dude is not an expert on stretch marks.

    • CMJ

      That’s what’s weird….when you rapidly gain AND lose weight you can get stretch marks. Bro maybe needs to look up some science.

    • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

      Yeah, and they don’t go away. I used retin-a for years and am pretty athletic and genetically slim because my whole family is slim, and I still have the hip stretch marks that showed up when I went through puberty at 13 and went from 85lbs to 110lbs in the summer before high school. Those suckers are not going anywhere. Even when I have ripped abs, I have stretch marks. Given the crappy way my skin deals with scarring, I’m pretty sure I will wind up with really overt pregnancy stretch marks. x_x. I am working on coming to terms with the idea.

  • Fuzzy ‘n Broken Mirror

    Wow, people actually own the Facebook Phone?

  • IG: @imTwoSeven ✈

    Look ladies I know you’re going to think what you want but I have a beautiful wife whom I love with all my heart, about half of my best friends are females. I have no ill feelings toward females whatsoever…as a matter of fact I got arrested for decking a guy who hit his wife in Wal-Mart. Anyways I wrote my apology to my Facebook ladies so I figured I’d share it here as well. My apologies.

    • CMJ

      You mean the: “Aye…if people are content being fat lazy slobs…” apology?

      Good one.

    • IG: @imTwoSeven ✈

      I have no respect for fat lazy slobs but that has nothing to do with females, now does it?

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      And now I have to rescind my nice comment above DAMNIT

    • CMJ

      Yes. If only we could all be so perfect. I have no respect for people who feel the need to put others down based on their looks.

      Also, you made many references to PMSing hornets….so yeah. Womenz be trippin!

    • Cee

      If your disrespect isn’t exclusive by sex, it shouldn’t be exclusive to fat either.

    • whiteroses

      I have a hard time respecting people who judge others based on superficial criterion, but I guess it works out nicely for me. Helps me weed out the jerks.

      And now I feel like a real idiot for saying that I didn’t think you were malicious. Oh well. That’ll teach me to comment on things before reading the rest of the threads.

    • FF4life

      I’m sure there is no difference in your mind between a person who’s weight is affected by medication and glandular disorders either. You can’t tell these thing by looking at someone. And to be honest it’s not your business so why assume?

      You have no respect for lazy fat slobs? I have no respect for over compensating douche bags who only value people by their appearance.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Well, I have no respect for shallow dudebros with cheap, poor fitting suits, so we’re even.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I actually think it’s kinda cool you came to defend yourself. And in the spirit of the New Year , I hope you learned something new. Life is long, if, God Forbid, anything ever happened to you that caused you to be not as attractive as you feel now, I’m pretty sure your wife would love and accept you. YOU COULD LOSE YOUR HAIR! Or worse . We are all just flesh, decaying flesh. If stretch marks are that appalling to you you may wanna rethink your priorities .

    • IG: @imTwoSeven ✈

      That’s quite a way to look at things. I just like to think we only have one body and to let it waste as a fat cellulite infested sedentary object is such a waste. Again I meant NO disrespect toward the general population of women. I should’ve been more specific in my rant but cool site and quite a following. Anyways I wish each and every One of y’all a Happy New Year.

    • CMJ

      You are really good at making a decent comment turn to shit.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I don’t understand why you care. If someone is a “fat cellulite infested object” how does it affect your life?

    • Cee

      Because he has to see you and think about you all the time now! Dammit Eve, don’t you know how this affects his life?!

    • LJ

      I just like to think we only have one mind, and to let it go to waste as a douchebag infested paperweight is such a waste. And redundant.

    • Jld33

      So sad, you won’t be able to have children since your wife will most likely get stretch marks which will apparently make her less of a person to you. Poor shallow man, no mini mes for you.

    • Smishsmash

      Oh Lord, Steve, what are you doing? Now I was enjoying the
      mocking of you because you did say something spectacularly stupid, but I also happen to agree with another poster that it’s not really kosher for a popular site to bash some nobody simply because it’s a slow news day. But now here you are, with a stupid shovel, digging yourself even further in. It’s painful to watch.
      You claim to have a wife, presumably a mother, maybe some lady friends (FYI: the only people who refer to women as “females” are typically douches, so you may want to drop that one). Please, for the love of God, call one of these women and say “Hey mom, I appear to have offended some women on the internet. I’d like to apologize. I’m thinking of including a description of the fat lazy bitch slobs who disgust me in this apology, what do you think?” Pretty sure your mom’s gonna say “Steven, just say I’m sorry and leave it at that.”

      Am I the only one who is starting to think they should teach a class in apologies in grammar school these days? It seems like its such a simple concept, yet it eludes so many people.

    • CrazyLogic

      You do realize that people can get stretch marks from gaining muscle mass too, right? When my brother started working out, he got them on his biceps.

      It’s super easy to get them when you’re pale.

    • Gangle

      You do realise that stretchmarks don’t just happen to people who are big don’t you? I am small. Always have been. A few years ago I got really sick with a nasty virus and I ended up losing more weight than I could afford. I could barely stand. When I got better and put weight back on I got stretchmarks, on my thighs and on my breasts. I only put on three extra kilos than my previous weight before I got sick, a conscious effort to have a little extra weight on my part, and still landing me in the very low section of the BMI chart. I am so glad that my husband didn’t think I was a fat, lazy and ugly bitch because I got some stretchmarks I couldn’t do a thing about. Especially now I am finally pregnant, I am glad I have a kind husband who isn’t going to reject me because I may get more stretchmarks as my body grows a baby in it. I hope that being with your wife helps you to understand that bodies do change over time. Some parts head south, grey hair and lines happen, male pattern baldness happens and yes, stretchmarks happen. It isn’t necessarily worse, it is just different.

    • Ashley

      And I think focusing all your time and energy on appearances is such a waste. I would much rather do things I enjoy (and eat things I enjoy!) then spend all my time concerned about whether I’m too fat to meet someone random butthole’s arbitrary standards. But I know the thought of people having different priorities than your own, and people existing for reasons other than your personal satisfaction, is pretty baffling.

    • break_time

      You do realize that cellulite affects most women regardless of their level of fitness, right? It is a genetic lottery.

    • LJ

      Listen, dude. I know you think you’re a good guy, but you’re sorely ignorant of your own verbiage. This was ABSOLUTELY directed at women and pregnant women at that. The “Tiger Stripes” phenomenon is based off of women who get stretch marks from pregnancy. AND you direct your post towards “bitches.” So, it’s very obvious that you’re addressing solely women with your original post. There’s no need to backpedal and try to defend the post with an “I have black friends” type comment.

      I think it’s more that you’re shallow and ignorant than you intentionally being a horrible person. Even when saying that you’re married, the best description of your wife that you have is “beautiful” which makes me think that the second she stops being beautiful, she will also stop being your wife.

      I understand the desire that every one strive for self improvement, and I think it’s a noble goal. Perhaps, just perhaps, you might consider some improvement as well.. maybe some that goes beyond your looks?

    • whiteroses

      This. Oh, so very much this. I didn’t realize until today how fortunate I am to have a husband who thinks I’m incredibly sexy no matter what, stretch marks and all.

      I don’t think you’re malicious, Steven- I think you’re ignorant. Fortunately, ignorance can be improved.

    • keelhaulrose

      I’m torn between going his wife never gets stretch marks if she’s ever pregnant for her sake, and hoping she gets them to prove they don’t disappear like he says they do.
      That poor woman won’t be able to win.

    • LJ

      I think the best thing to hope is that he is able to grow up and learn some compassion before his wife becomes pregnant. Unfortunately, based on his current attitude, she may always be fearful that if her body changes she may lose him.

    • meteor_echo

      Hey Steve, I think I just found a perfect response for you:

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      That’s the best

    • Shelly Lloyd

      The dark hair girl in video that same actress who played Raj’s girlfriend on Big Bang?

    • LJ

      Yes…. these girls are amazing. I would also recommend “Pregnant Women Are Smug” by them.

    • whiteroses

      I love that song. It’s AMAZING.

  • Momma425

    I can only hope that this gentleman gains a beer belly and some stretch marks of his own.
    Us miserable lazies would love some company!!!

  • Jaclyn

    I know that, at age 11 when my boobs stretched from an A cup to a C cup, my doctor kept calling it puberty, but really I just stuffed a 20pc chicken Mcnuggets into each boob. Fat fat lazy bitch that I am.

    • LJ

      I, too, have stretch marks on my boobs from them coming in all of a sudden when I hit puberty. At a size 0, I went into a C cup practically over night, and as a result I have the stretch marks to show it. I try not to be self-conscious about it, but sometimes I can’t help it!

    • meteor_echo

      I have two big purple stretch marks – each on the underside of my knee (on both knees), from actually losing weight. I don’t know what to make of them in the fat and lazy context ._.

    • afinecupoftea

      I have stretch marks on my hips that I’ve had since I was 11 when puberty hit me like a truck…too many fries I guess.

  • CrazyLogic

    I need to be with a guy that understands how these things work, especially on very fair skin. I’ve had stretch marks on my BREASTS since they started growing for Christ’s sake.

  • gothicgaelicgirl

    i lost a stone in a month and got bad stretch marks on my ass and thighs.
    I don’t care lol cos I FEEL GOOD.

    I’d love to see this guy squeeze a watermelon from his peehole. See how much he worries/cares about stretch marks.

  • jmuns79

    I’m uncomfortable with an internet lynch mob of any kind, even if it’s directed at someone who deserves our collective ire. I know that we technically lose the expectation for privacy when we post stuff online, but I feel you guys didn’t need to post his last name so we could go digging around his profile. We could’ve easily mocked him by just looking at the post with last name blocked out like stfuparents.

    I imagine if something I said on facebook got picked up by some men’s rights or conservative websites and they were picking apart my profile and my family in their righteous indignation. I would be mortified and sad. I think we should’ve taken the high road.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Girl, I hear ya, but the nazi jokes on his page sealed the deal for me.

    • LJ

      I agree to a certain extent, but then the guy posted a reply with a link to his open, unprotected Facebook page in the profile. Either he doesn’t mind the attention or he’s not too bright.

    • jmuns79

      Tee hee. I got downvoted for a post asking for politeness.

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