• Fri, Dec 27 - 12:00 pm ET

The Most Extraordinary Names Of 2013, And How Cats Would React To Being Given Them

The most extraordinary names of 2013 were truly extraordinary. I don’t like to make fun of what people name their kids, because who the hell am I to judge anyone? So instead of trying to imagine how kids feel about their extraordinary names – I projected the names onto the most honest, brutal beings alive – cats – and imagined how they would respond to these monikers.

1. Summer-Ray

Each new day and the warmth of the sun on my skin will be a reminder of what a dipshit you are.

2. Purdy

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It’s “pretty.” Pretty, you morons. If you’d pause Hee-Haw long enough to read a dictionary you’d know that. I hate you.

3. Nirvana

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I better be named after the coolest band to emerge from the 90′s and not a fucking glossary term from the Deepak Chopra book she’s reading right now.

4. Bramwell

Bramwell, come here kitty! NO.

5. Ream

Seriously?

6. Lohan

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So, I guess you’re begging for me to gorge on catnip and eat my young.

7. Pinky

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They couldn’t figure out whether to name me after the dumb one in their favorite movie (Grease) or the whole damn clan of satin jacket wearing idiots – so they merged the two. I’m full of hate.

8. Vogue

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I’ve never liked Madonna and Anna Wintour seems like an insufferable bitch – so thanks for this.

9. Puppy

You took the most regal of all animals and named it after a butt sniffing, people-pleasing simpleton? Good work.

10. Victory

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Ever heard of setting someone up to fail?

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • LiteBrite

    This is exactly the expression my cats would have if I gave them any of these names. Then again, this is exactly the expression they have most of the time in regards to anything I do or say, so it wouldn’t be that big of a difference.

  • Bunny Lucia

    Oh my GOD. I named my GUINEA PIG Nirvana. They’re really naming HUMANS that now? Oh Lawdy!

  • Bethany Ramos

    Lol Ream, I don’t even know what to say on that one. Sounds potentially gross to me…

  • http://ultimatemamacat.tumblr.com/ Hana Graham

    Angry I didn’t think of this first, brilliant <3

  • Kay_Sue

    These cats perfectly expressed my reaction to each of these.

  • Rachel Sea

    Clearly those parents are forgetting that little Ream, Puppy, et al will be choosing their nursing homes someday.

  • Boots

    interestingly, purdy was the name of pongo’s lady friend in 101 dalmations. so an added insult for a cat, really…

    • Bethany Ramos

      But also like, you’ve got a real purdy mouth… Haha

    • jsing014

      short for Perdita (my favorite book as a kid, at one point)

  • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    This made me laugh so hard! Perfect!

  • Simone

    I think Victory and Vogue are pretty names … in theory, like in my imaginary ‘I made this human, I can call them whatever I want’ kind of way. They’re nice. Just not in real life, for real people.