• Fri, Dec 27 - 12:00 pm ET

The Most Extraordinary Names Of 2013, And How Cats Would React To Being Given Them

The most extraordinary names of 2013 were truly extraordinary. I don’t like to make fun of what people name their kids, because who the hell am I to judge anyone? So instead of trying to imagine how kids feel about their extraordinary names – I projected the names onto the most honest, brutal beings alive – cats – and imagined how they would respond to these monikers.

1. Summer-Ray

Each new day and the warmth of the sun on my skin will be a reminder of what a dipshit you are.

2. Purdy


It’s “pretty.” Pretty, you morons. If you’d pause Hee-Haw long enough to read a dictionary you’d know that. I hate you.

3. Nirvana


I better be named after the coolest band to emerge from the 90′s and not a fucking glossary term from the Deepak Chopra book she’s reading right now.

4. Bramwell

Bramwell, come here kitty! NO.

5. Ream


6. Lohan


So, I guess you’re begging for me to gorge on catnip and eat my young.

7. Pinky



They couldn’t figure out whether to name me after the dumb one in their favorite movie (Grease) or the whole damn clan of satin jacket wearing idiots – so they merged the two. I’m full of hate.

8. Vogue


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I’ve never liked Madonna and Anna Wintour seems like an insufferable bitch – so thanks for this.

9. Puppy

You took the most regal of all animals and named it after a butt sniffing, people-pleasing simpleton? Good work.

10. Victory


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Ever heard of setting someone up to fail?

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • LiteBrite

    This is exactly the expression my cats would have if I gave them any of these names. Then again, this is exactly the expression they have most of the time in regards to anything I do or say, so it wouldn’t be that big of a difference.

  • Bunny Lucia

    Oh my GOD. I named my GUINEA PIG Nirvana. They’re really naming HUMANS that now? Oh Lawdy!

  • Bethany Ramos

    Lol Ream, I don’t even know what to say on that one. Sounds potentially gross to me…

  • http://ultimatemamacat.tumblr.com/ Hana Graham

    Angry I didn’t think of this first, brilliant <3

  • Kay_Sue

    These cats perfectly expressed my reaction to each of these.

  • Rachel Sea

    Clearly those parents are forgetting that little Ream, Puppy, et al will be choosing their nursing homes someday.

  • Boots

    interestingly, purdy was the name of pongo’s lady friend in 101 dalmations. so an added insult for a cat, really…

    • Bethany Ramos

      But also like, you’ve got a real purdy mouth… Haha

    • jsing014

      short for Perdita (my favorite book as a kid, at one point)

  • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    This made me laugh so hard! Perfect!

  • Simone

    I think Victory and Vogue are pretty names … in theory, like in my imaginary ‘I made this human, I can call them whatever I want’ kind of way. They’re nice. Just not in real life, for real people.