• Tue, Dec 24 - 2:00 pm ET

10 Things Moms Can’t Do, According To Teens On Twitter

Thanks to #youreamom and a bunch of teenagers on Twitter, I now know what is totally unacceptable behavior for moms. Thanks, kids!

1. Wear a thong or anything else that shows your gross mom body.

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2. Drive fast in your lame mom car.

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3. Have a “hot” hairstyle.

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4. Have a Facebook account using the Internet you pay for with the computer you bought.

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5. Talk about sports – or do anything besides cook dinner.

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6. “Party.”

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7. Sing – especially in public in your mom car.

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8. Expect kids to clean anything.

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9. Forget that you’re the cook/maid/servant.

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10. Expect to spend any of your hours on this earth alone.

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Pro tip to teenagers: you should maybe stop making fun of your moms on social media. Old people know how to use that now! Can you believe it? I’m just trying to help you out here. She may get annoyed when she finds out you’re chilling out in the bed that she bought you, under the roof she provides on the computer she purchased, using the Internet that she pays for to dictate all the things she should or shouldn’t be doing.

(photo: Getty Images)

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    Oh my God, how do I find these kids so that I may slap them?

    • Andrea

      Maria didn’t post their tweeter handles, which is a shame. If anyone deserves to be called out, it’s these little jerks.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Maria is a better lady than me. I always post Twitter handles, because I am heartless.

    • Polyamorous Mom

      And that’s why we love you Frances.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Santa brought me a conscience for Christmas – plus I knew anyone could just search the hashtag to find these little jerks -ahaha.

  • My2bits

    Wow. I am seriously having to remind myself that teenage brains are not fully developed because I really want to go knock some sense into these kids. And, I do all of the things they listed, except for the thong, but that wouldn’t have happened even before I became a mom (which apparently becomes your new total identity).

  • guest

    I would like to tweet to those kids “your opinions don’t matter. #youreateenager” but that would be too mean and I am a better person than that!

    • brebay

      Nature has it covered, time doesn’t discriminate. The hottest hottie will get old, get gray (if they’re lucky,) watch all that attention slip away, and be treated with disdain by snotty teenagers.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Oh God, so painfully true.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ilikeswears Dusty

      And the enviously skinny ones end up looking like Skeletor once they hit 40.

    • brebay

      Boy that’s the truth. I’m naturally pretty scrawny, and it definitely ages you. When you’re 20 and skinny you look like a model, when you’re 40 and skinny, you look 50!

    • Andrea

      What, no!!!! You pull off the fabulous way better!!!

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      This makes me feel so much better :)

    • Andrea

      You are a better person than me. See my post below.

  • brebay

    I think I just changed my view on corporal punishment…

  • brebay

    “Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were” – Bill Gates

    • Cee

      Haha LOVE this!

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      This needs to be embroidered onto every kid pillow in my house. All of them. My kids are pretty good with this shit now, but the teen years are looming.

  • Andrea

    You know, while I don’t really approve of of sanctimommies, at least they have some parameters, I mean they are going through it at least. No they shouldn’t judge, but you know…
    But this? Here’s my tweet to you teens: #youareateen, #shutthefuckup #youdontknowshit

    Buck up little bitches, you haven’t EARNED the right to judge anyone, let alone mothers.

    • Leafyleafster

      I think #10 is a future sanctimommy though.

    • pineapplegrasss

      oh I thought that was #6 lol

    • Leafyleafster

      They’ll be sancti-BFFs… “Stop partying, you gave up your right to ‘alone time’ #turndown #24/7job #youreamom” =P

    • Andrea

      While that one pissed me off at 1st, something tells me there might be more to that story. The rest of the tweet says “you divorced him not us”. Seems like there’s more going on here.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      YES. I think some of these are sanctiparents or at least adults but most of them are obvious teen-d-bags. I wanna find them and physically yell these hashtags at them in public.

    • ElleJai

      Bahaha if mine end up like that I’m going to appropriate and embroider #shutthefuckup #youdontknowshit on all their stuff :D

    • Kay_Sue

      Add in #TalkShitWhenYouCanPayYourOwnBills and you’ll have all the bases covered. ;)

    • Andrea

      Ha ha ha!! WORD

  • Asia Woodley

    I am NOT looking forward to this. New mommy to 2 year old B/G twins and I already see it coming. I was a pain as a teen, not to this effect but I was not pleasant…so I am thoroughly concerned. Lol. My daughter has it in for me already.

  • EX

    I’m just impressed that they got “you’re” right and that it’s not #youramom.

    • Kay_Sue

      It would be infinitely more hilarious if they’d screwed that up.

  • keelhaulrose

    Yeah, if my teen (when I have one), said either #5, #8, or #9 to me they’d be getting an at-home home-ec lesson quick because they’d be taking care of themselves for a while.

  • Bunny Lucia

    I like how the kid’s like “SHE TRIED TO RACE THE ESCALADE!”

    Dude, nothing is more of a rich white suburban mom car than a fucking Escalade. Just stop.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      It probably IS his mom’s car.

    • keelhaulrose

      Once, after the release of one of the Fast and Furious movies my old Chevy van pulled up next to a rice rocket that had just left the theater. The kid in it revved his engine waiting for the light to go green… And apparently didn’t know how to drive. I beat him the quarter mile to the merge, and he was stuck behind me for the next five miles.

    • Momma424

      #Buyyourowncarkid

  • pineapplegrasss

    I seriously just got mad at my 17yo daughter reading this article LOL. I just pictured her typing away on that phone of hers in her snotty little teenager attitude, head all shaking…

  • http://a1usalimo.com/ A1USALIMO

    http://www.a1usalimo.com
    Stubborn teenagers just wait until you’re parents!

    • meteor_echo

      As if everyone wants to become parents.

    • jane

      Seriously, wtf is wrong with you?

    • meteor_echo

      If you’re asking ME and not the poster above, then nothing the fuck is wrong with me. I’m just not popping out a baby because I want a life that involves no hemorrhoids or episiotomy, no sagging boobs – but instead has good sleep, regular sex, being the most important person for my partner, having a lot of pets, being able to talk about space, travel and whatever else I want instead of baby’s shitty diapers and dance classes. If the idea upsets you, scroll down, lady, and don’t forget to clutch your pearls extra hard.
      Oh and – I don’t even like children. Neither do many other people. Deal with it.

  • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

    Okay, first of all. Did anyone else read number four (aka the Peg one) in Bug Bundy’s voice?

    Second of all, number 8 would drive me to punchiness. I tell my kids every. single. day that nothing I do around the house is “my job,” and that they are expected to do their damn share as much as they can. I’m not being blamey with the mom, my mom did the same things I am doing with my spawn to me, and I still acted like a d-bag teen (because teens suck sometimes), so I fully expected moments of entitled douche baggery, I’m just saying. Ugh. Teens, man.

    • Polyamorous Mom

      agreed! My kids will be like “I didn’t do it, why do I have to clean it?” and im like “well I didn’t do it either, I don’t have to clean it just because im the mother!” then I smack them. (ok not really that second part, but sometimes id like to)

  • Heather

    #youdontknowme #youreateen #’RE LOL

  • Savannah61

    The only one I sort of agree with is #10. But only because my MIL left for “alone time” in May 2012 & didn’t speak to her children (including a 17 year old still living at home) for about four months. We saw her for the first time since then a couple of days ago. I did not, however, post my frustrations on Twitter using a stupid hashtag.

    • jsterling93

      That isn’t alone time. I picture this tweet about a mom who wants to go read a book or take a long bath. Or maybe that is only because I hired a baby sitter to come to my house 2x a week so I can attend a dance class and my husband can attend a fencing class and we can each have “alone” time. And then my sister basically said that as a mom I don’t get alone time.

    • Andrea

      Fuck that shit hard man. Seriously FUCK IT. I didn’t stop being a person when I became a mom, I still have needs too!

    • brebay

      Yup, alone time =/= abandonment.

    • Savannah61

      Oh I totally agree. That’s just what she called it & how she has attempted to justify it since then.

  • Fireinthefudgehole

    Apparently mothers are supposed to stay chained to a crib until their child is old enough for them to be chained to the oven. #noswimming #nodriving #nofun #youreamom

  • Shannon

    Teenagers are such assholes.
    That is all.

    • Andrea

      word

    • brebay

      testify!

  • Guest

    #youdontknowshit #youreateen #youweretypingthisinsexed #youreaparentnowtoo

  • Katie Reed

    #youreamom you should be my slave??? How bout, #youreamom you have the right to sledgehammer my laptop? If I posted anything like what these teens did, That is exactly what my Mom (or Dad) would do.

  • KaeTay

    all of those kids need a good pop on the backside of their head, their computer time limited and some chores.

  • Kay_Sue

    I can’t even handle this post tonight. I really can’t. I keep reading each of these in my little sister’s voice…

  • Justme

    And then these same teenagers whine about how adults don’t take them seriously.

  • Rebekah

    Things like this are my least favorite thing to read. I’m sixteen, also a mom, and I would never dream of saying that to my mom. Even if she wouldn’t see it! I don’t think that if you have kids, they owe you for taking basic care of them. That’s stupid. But these fucking entitled shits are why I don’t have friends. No respect.

    • anion

      I’m sure you’re a great mom. Best of luck to you!

      (That’s sincere, btw, not sarcasm.)

  • Kelly

    What a bunch of obnoxious fucktards. I’m so glad I never tolerated that bullshit from my kids so they’re actually likable as an adult and teenager.

  • meteor_echo

    I love how everyone in the thread thinks that all teens are assholes, without exception. Those kids in the tweets are not shitty because they’re teens, they’re just snotty people.

    Also, people who cannot learn the basic computer things like opening a page in a new tab or bookmarking a page or posting a message on a social network after you spend several times explaining it to them in easy language and even making notes for them are tiresome and annoying. I agree with that one tweet.

    • Justme

      But don’t you think there is a difference between being annoyed with teaching someone about technology and then being a little brat about it on social media? I wouldn’t ever talk about my child that way on Facebook and I hope she’ll return the same amount of respect.

      And yes, these teenagers are jerks and having taught middle school for almost ten years, I can attest to the fact that not all teenagers are like the ones featured here.

    • meteor_echo

      It depends upon the person in question. I’ve bitched about my mother being unable to do the basic things with a computer (aside from playing solitaire) and I will keep doing so until she memorizes what to click and what to do. It’s exhausting to see that a functional adult human being who finished medical school cannot remember something as simple as Ctrl+Alt+Del and tries to reboot the damn PC manually every time it starts lagging.

    • Gangle

      My mother is one smart, capable lady, and she sucks at computers. Although it can sometimes be frustrating to have to show her how to upload photos from her camera for the billionth time, I am happy to do it. Because of all that feeding/clothing/schooling/nursing back to health stuff she has done over the years.

    • meteor_echo

      I suppose I’m an ingrateful bitch then, because I don’t feel like I owe my parents anything. Whatever good they did for me, they annulled with years and years of abuse, and besides, it’s not like feeding and clothing and whatnot is some sort of a luxury. It’s the child’s right to have all those thing handed to them once they’re born.
      Note that it doesn’t include cars and/or smartphones/etc etc. Food, shelter, basic education and basic respect? Parents must provide that for the child. If they can’t or won’t, they better think twice before they spawn.

    • Gangle

      Oh, I don’t feel I ‘owe’ my parents for raising me – and if your parents were abusive to you, then I understand your sentiments – but if the biggest favour my mother ever asks of me is to be patient with her when it comes to computers, then I am happy to comply. It is far from being the biggest issue I have ever dealt with. And I do think that if your parents have more or less raised you with kindness and done their best by you, then yeah, I think it is a major slap in the face to turn around and be an ungracious, snarky bitch just because you don’t feel like helping them out… again, you sound like your relationship with your parents is/has been volatile so I am not necessarily commenting on your particular situation.

    • meteor_echo

      To me, it sucks that my parents have always pressured me to be a fast learner (which I am), yet do not think that the same rule extends to them. So, they never really wasted their time repeating things for me, but think that I owe them mine without any questions. I’m okay with a request or two, but not with a dozen requests to explain them the same thing over and over – I think the teen in the tweet feels fairly similar.

      In my particular situation, both of my parents deserve not one, but many slaps. They contributed a lot towards turning me into an ungracious, snarky bitch (though I’d say that I’m more of a gracious, snarky bitch), so yeah, in this case they are reaping their crops.

    • Gangle

      Again, your situation sounds different. If your parents were abusive it changes the game. I would have to say that while my childhood was not always ideal, my parents, in particular my mother, showed unending patience with all of us kids. I can’t say if this particular teen has a similar experience as you to be justified in their comment. But I do know that many teens can be ungracious and selfish despite everything their parents do for them.

  • Elisianna

    Geez… Some of these make me want to do nothing for my kid as soon as she is physically capable of doing it herself. Except cook dinner, though she should be forced to help me… :P

  • Polyamorous Mom

    wow….and I thought having small children was difficult. now im dreading the teen years

  • Maddi

    I don’t think that number 6 really belongs with the other ones on this list. A girl I went to school with recently had a child (she is 17) and basically expected her parents to take care of her baby while she partied with her friends every night. Someone (family member or friend) notified child protective services and she has now lost custody of her child and her parents have full custody of her baby. She cannot be around her own child unless her parents are present because she is abusive and neglects her child.
    I think number 6 was probably referring to a similar kind of situation.