• Tue, Dec 24 - 12:00 pm ET

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: 5 Songs That Attempt To Kill Christmas

Christmas Eve is upon us and some of you may be making your holiday playlists as we speak. For the love of God and everything holy – don’t destroy the festive mood by playing one of these creeptastic holiday songs. They are the worst, yet they still manage to make it onto the playlists of holiday parties, shopping malls and random holiday events. Why?

1. Newsong, Christmas Shoes

Sir I wanna buy these shoes
For my mama. please
It’s Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry sir
Daddy says there’s not much time
You see,
She’s been sick for quite a while And I
know these shoes will make her smile And I
Want her to look beautiful
If mama meets Jesus tonight

Dude, just go home and spend some time with your dying mother. Jesus didn’t even wear shoes – he doesn’t give two shits about hers, I assure you. Also – this is the worst video I’ve ever seen.

On a more personal note – I was Christmas shopping with a potential suitor in college when this song came on in one of the stores we were walking through. He started to cry. Clearly, I could never date him again because that’s ridiculous – so thanks for ruining that fling.

2. Any Version Of Santa Baby Not Sung By Eartha Kitt

Santa baby, I’m filling my stocking with the duplex, and checks
Sign your ‘X’ on the line, Santa cutie,
and hurry down the chimney tonight

Eartha Kitt can somehow get away with this – but no one else can. Stop calling Santa “baby” and “cutie.” Your feminine wiles don’t work on him – he’s asexual. Everyone knows that. Yes, he has a wife – but she just knits and smiles and he’s too busy planning gifts for billions of kids to even think about sexy things. All the innuendo and baby talk makes my skin crawl. Santa is a fictional character who is jolly and fat and brings joy to children. He doesn’t want to hurry “down your chimney.” Wink, wink. Gross.

3. Elmo & Patsy, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

When they found her Christmas mornin’
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back

Okay, so Santa is no longer a magical being who flies through the air powered by the belief of children and Christmas spirit alone, now he’s a shitty driver who careens willy nilly all over town on Christmas Eve and may kill one of your loved ones. Also, Santa doesn’t perform CPR – he’ll just traipse over his victim’s fragile body.

4. Mariah Cary and Justin Bieber,  All I Want For Christmas Is You

I actually love this song, but blech. This video just ruined it for me, forever.

5. Dan Fogelberg, Same Old Lang Syne

I guess this is supposed to be touching? If Dan Fogelberg tells such tediously boring stories in real life,  I seriously doubt he’s ever managed to date someone long enough to consider them an “ex.” There’s a reason she “didn’t recognize the face at first.” Try to get through this song without yawning. I dare you.

(image: Getty Images)

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • Bethany Ramos

    The Justin Bieber drummer boy song has a rap and uses the word “dope” I think, and I STILL LIKE IT. Yeesh.

  • pixie

    Best Christmas song in my opinion? The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”.
    Plus there’s always the…uh…edited? versions of classics by Bob Rivers that are always good for a laugh (Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire, Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear, etc).

  • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

    I hate all these plus add that simply having a wonderful Christmas time by Paul McCartney that makes me violent. Also, do they know it’s Christmas.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Haha – I love that one!!!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      WHICH ONE? I MAY BREAK UP WITH YOU OVER THIS

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Wonderful Christmastime! Not the other terrible one.

    • Sri

      I get that people think that it’s annoying, but I can’t not smile when I hear Wonderful Christmastime. It doesn’t try to make you think about anything, it doesn’t try to tell you a story. It’s just about being happy to be together. It’s sweet and not too complicated. It’s the cutout cookie of Christmas songs, and who doesn’t like cutout cookies?

    • pixie

      It’s ok, Bob Geldoff, who wrote “Do they know it’s Christmas Time” or whatever it’s called, also hates that song. :)

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      It’s the definition of treacley

    • http://www.twitter.com/ilikeswears Dusty

      Do They Know it’s Christmas is the worst Christmas song of all time. “Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.” W. T. F. That song makes me throat-punchy.

    • Sri

      I get what they’re trying to get at, pointing out privilege and all that, but it’s just so so terrible when you get down to it. It just sounds so callous. And then, a majority of the song is (mostly white) people singing about how terrible a place Africa is (because we all know that everywhere in Africa is exactly the same, and it’s all an inhospitable wasteland).

      Also, a decent sized chunk of people suffering and hungry at the time in Ethiopia were Christian, so, yeah, they probably were aware that it was Christmas. Then you get into the problems with the fact that a lot of aid money went to buy weapons and fund the government and stuff instead of food during the Ethiopian famine, and it just sucks all around.

      It’s not a good song AND it didn’t do what it was supposed to do. Ugh. I have a lot of feelings about this song, and they all end in ugh.

    • Polyamorous Mom

      that made me love you so hard eve, i was about to add those to the list

    • julesgilead

      Another vote of violent hatred for “Wonderful Christmastime.” And this from a McCartney fan!

  • brebay

    Is that Bieber with Mariah? She’s younger than his mom, ick.

  • brebay

    I like Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s “In the Bleak Midwinter” and oddly, for an atheist, I love “O Little Town of Bethlehem.”

    • EX

      “O Little Town of Bethlehem” was my favorite to sing when I was a church-going young’un. Singing christmas carols at church is one thing I miss about leaving the church.

  • Elisa Probert

    I’m a horrible person and Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer is my Christmas wish every year.
    The Christmas Shoes makes me want to punch a baby! Maybe a Santa Baby? Apparently someone thinks Santa is a Ho, Ho, Ho.

  • CrazyLogic

    I only know one Dan Folberg song and it’s the amazing Run for the Roses. I intend not to color my love for that song by any ones that I may or may not like on listening.

    • Kay_Sue

      I agree wholeheartedly. I used to belt that song as a kid. I refuse to taint the memory!

  • julesgilead

    I had never heard “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” until gym class in first grade when my teacher decided to blast it as we did jumping jacks. As the lyrics sunk in, the horror grew, and eventually I burst into hysterical tears and had to be removed from the room. Traumatized me more than finding out the truth about Santa ever did! That song is the stuff of nightmares.

  • Ddaisy

    I have this bizarre thing where ANY Christmas music makes me feel grinchy because it reminds me of working in the mall at Christmastime, which was a nightmare. The only exception is this one particular Dolly Parton Christmas CD from, like, 1992. It was what my parents always put on at Christmas when we were little kids, so those exact Dolly Parton songs make me feel festive, but anything else makes me want to stab out my ears.

    It’s just weird.

  • Teleute

    How can anyone have a problem with Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?!

  • Teleute

    Greatest modern Christmas album: Twisted Sister’s A Twisted Christmas. It goes into the car CD player on Black Friday and doesn’t come out until New Year’s. :-D

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmEfFlbqbbY

  • momma425

    My dad is a huge Dan Folgelberg fan, and we had to listen to some “best of” cd in the car everytime we rode with dad driving. I must have been like 10 when I heard the one mentioned here for the first time, and my reaction was, “Why is this guy’s wife okay with him spending christmas eve in the car drinking beers with his ex, instead of being at home with his family?” That idea has only been furthered since actually growing up and getting married- if my husband pulled a stunt like that, he would be LIVING in his car. Maybe he wasn’t married when he spent his christmas eve in the car? I don’t know. Still, totally boring. Bleh.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      hahahahahahahahahahaha