• Thu, Dec 19 - 12:00 pm ET

This Article About An ‘Evil Stepmother’ At Christmas Is A Christmas Miracle

172228253Loooooooooool4ever. Man, I am seriously drunk off this post. My pal Alisande alerted me to this and it’s a damn Christmas miracle. So grab some nog or a 40 oz or whatever and sit back and enjoy this with me, mmmmkay?

So this woman in the UK tells the amazing tale of how her two pretty old stepdaughters don’t like her, and they really don’t like her Christmas celebrations. So because the holiday is stressful and the girls don’t care for her she does all sorts of amazing shit.

First, she cooks dinner for 12 hours and spends £700 on food. This is like over one thousand dollars. WHAT WAS SHE MAKING FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER THAT TOOK SO LONG AND COST SO MUCH WAS SHE MAKING GOLD SANDWICHES?

When one of her stepdaughters doesn’t like the gold sandwiches she rages out and:

Incensed and more than a little fraught, I told her I had a much better idea for removing the fruit.

I picked up her plate and threw  it out of the living room window, custard and all.

And then her stepdaughters left and her husband wouldn’t talk to her so the following year she decided to host Christmas again. And she spent ANOTHER  £700 on food plus an additional  £300 on presents for each of the girls, including a cut glass decanter. BECAUSE WHO DOESN’T WANT THAT?

So the day goes badly, even though no pudding was thrown this year, but no one talks to the stepmother and they all just watch TV and she complains to her husband (who had just lost his “sports and leisure” business) that everyone is ignoring her and he makes a joke about it so she:

I grabbed hold of the 6ft tree, ripping the fairy lights plug out of the wall, and hauled it down the hallway.
I ripped the wallpaper and knocked over a coffee table, but I was past caring. I opened the front door and threw the tree into the front garden: fairy lights and baubles smashed into the flowerbeds.

So finally after all this pudding and tree-tossing drama she decides that they will just go out to dinner alone and that way she won’t be as stressed but on Christmas morning the undertaker shows up because someone had called them to report her dead.

‘I’ve come to remove your body, but you’re not dead,’ he stuttered.

I distinctly remember replying: ‘Actually I’m fine.’

He apologised profusely before explaining someone had phoned claiming I’d died suddenly in the night.

I dismissed it as a sick prank. Privately, though, it didn’t take much guesswork to establish who was behind it.

Basically, no matter what sort of mom you are, stepmother or not, NONE of us will ever have as epic and as dramatic a holiday as this woman has so we pretty much all should just give up right now. This entire article needs to be made into a Lifetime Movie or something. I honestly think the Daily Mail is trolling us all at this point. The story ends on a sad note because the husband ends up walking out on her to be closer to his daughters and abandons her in France and she ends up saying this:

Today, I am single and no longer celebrate Christmas – the thought of making a pudding makes me shudder. I don’t bother with decorations, let alone a tree.

Rather, my heart goes out to the thousands of miserable stepmums who have to put up with truculent stepchildren.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

(Image: getty images)

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  • CMJ

    I mean, points for using “truculent?”

    Nah, just kidding.

    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m98p6fJids1qiq5w9.gif

    • Mystik Spiral

      Parks & Rec gifs get automatic upvotes. :)

  • Bethany Ramos

    This is the best story I’ve ever heard, and I’m for sure throwing something big into my yard this year, even – especially – if I’m happy. Boo for the sad ending. :( Lifetime can cut that part out, right?

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      It is basically the best story of all time ever ever ever

    • CMJ

      This sounds like something someone we both know would write about my and dude’s “ungrateful asses.”

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      yeah but you would never be referred to as a “fancy lady” – which I think means a dirty hooker

    • CMJ

      CRAP!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I’d visit his two maiden aunts regularly and made a special effort before Christmas to deliver their presents. Unfortunately, one year our visit overlapped with that of his daughters.

      ‘Why is Dad’s fancy woman here?’ they demanded to know in front of me. I was incandescent, especially as they continually referred to me that way throughout the afternoon.

    • Andrea

      I googled it. In England, a “fancy woman” is a married man’s mistress.

  • keelhaulrose

    Their neighbors must miss the annual Christmas drama.

    Me, I’d bundle the kids and be waiting outside for the free entertainment.

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/gallery/popcorn-gifs/JjZHH.gif

    • Roberta

      Only if you get your youngest to say “God bless us, everyone” through a bullhorn so it is heard by all. Then you can sell tickets.

    • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ FaintlyXMacabre

      lolololololol

  • MaeCee

    Maybe because she is a home-wrecking whore and she got what she deserved in the end. I also hope that guy winds up dying alone and is eaten by his 12 cats.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      wait. wait. he has 12 cats????? also are you one of the stepdaughters please say yes

    • MaeCee

      Unfortunately not, however in my head everyone deserts him for being a douche-canoe and all he has is 12 cats for comfort and they don’t even like him either.

    • LJ

      “douche-canoe” really is just the best set of words. ever.

    • Guest

      “Douche-canoe” is really, the best set of words. ever.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      IDK, he seems more like a hound guy to me, like mayhaps he has a very angry hunting dog who dislikes him?

  • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

    This woman is epic.

  • Alicia Kiner

    I can’t believe they actually published this. Don’t get me wrong, I think the actions of the daughters were definitely wrong, but come on. What kid, teenager or adult, is going to be okay with a step mother that came about from an affair?! And then.. the paper actually contacted them to see if they wanted to comment?!

    • EX

      “I think the actions of the daughters were definitely wrong…”
      But, reading the original article, it doesn’t sound like the daughters did anything terrible that first christmas, besides pick at food they didn’t like? If I read it correctly it sounds like maybe they were being a bit distant or sullen (not surprisingly) but she threw the pudding out the window just because the daughter picked the fruit out of it? Maybe I’m missing something, but it definitely sounds like the stepmother overreacted initially and this then caused a viscious circle of hate. Maybe if she’d been a little more accepting of their need for time to adjust to everything it could have gone in a different direction. Definitely agree though that it’s weird that a newspaper published this.

    • Sri

      She did say that the older daughter immediately started complaining about what she cooked when she came in and that she felt “harassed” going into the day. It sounds like most of the trouble was with that older daughter, so I wonder what the harassment was. Not that it excuses her behavior or that the girls didn’t have the right to be angry. I just don’t think it was completely unprovoked. The holidays can bring out the worst in people, especially when they don’t feel supported by their family.

      Not to excuse the dessert throwing, but I have experienced dessert based rage during the holiday season. I yelled at all of my relatives during this past Thanksgiving. My husband makes really really good pie. It’s like the one thing he can cook. He knows that I like the peels on my apples in an apple pie, so he cooked it that way for me. Cut to Thanksgiving dessert: every single family member took huge pieces of pie and left me watching every kid. They left me nothing. Not even a single crust piece or stray apple goo. Then… THEN… they all start bitching about how he left the peels on the apples and shouldn’t do it next year. I ended up yelling “well, it sure as shit didn’t stop you from eating it, did it?!?”

    • Kay_Sue

      You should have shouted that while spearing whatever was left on their plates (or fingers, if you’re okay with a little blood) with a spare fork and glaring/laughing maniacally…don’t fuck with someone’s pie.

    • Tinyfaeri

      And then send the story to the Daily Mail!

    • Sri

      They ate it in the dining room while I was in another room with like 500 babies (ok, it was 4, but a 3 year old, 2 2 year olds, and a 4 month old sure seem like 500), or else there would have been bloodshed. They then came into the room with me, suddenly remembered that I exist, didn’t take over watching the kids, complained about the pie, and then replied to my outburst with “well, there’s a Sara lee pumpkin pie in the freezer.” Bitch, DID I STUTTER! I don’t want your shitty frozen pie that I would still have to bake.

    • Kay_Sue

      They did not…they did NOT…suggest that you bake your own pie after they ate it all?

      And 500? That sounds more like 2,000. At least one of them would have been eaten on my watch. You are a better person than me.

    • LiteBrite

      I’m pretty sure God meant “Don’t fuck with someone’s pie” to be one of the 10 Commandments.

    • Kay_Sue

      I think that was a huge oversight and probably contributed to my divergence from my very conservative Christian upbringing.

    • LiteBrite

      I would’ve been all in if my own ultra-conservative Christian church had a lesson on “Thou Shalt not Fuck with Thy Neighbor’s Pie” instead of playing records backwards.

    • Véronique Houde

      The fact is that she only talked about those few days and how she was trying to be nice by making a nice dinner… but, what about the rest of the year? What did her and their father try to do to work on their relationship with the daughters outside of the Christmas season? Had she been mature, instead of doing “nice things” for her step-daughters, she would have tried to communicate with them and get to know them on a daily basis, all while understanding that the situation SUCKED for them. Having a little empathy wouldn’t have killed her over here. Seems to me that she was so caught up in her own little fantasy life that she was unable to see how others around her would be affected by her actions.

    • Alicia Kiner

      Calling the undertaker was wrong. Hilarious but wrong. But again, if my parents split up because my dad had an affair, I wouldn’t be too nice to the “fancy lady” either ;)

  • chickadee

    This sounds like the newspaper (although it’s really a tabloid) version of The Jerry Springer Show. None of these people sound either mature or admirable.

  • kay

    The stepmother had a several-year affair with the dad while he was still married to their mom. Shocking they don’t like her. How naive would you have to be to expect them to instantly be your BFFs

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      LISTEN SHE GAVE THEM A CUT GLASS DECANTERRRRRR

    • kay

      She doesn’t mention filling it with booze. Everyone knows alcohol makes you best friends. I don’t think decanters do. (But if someone wants to try giving out decanters to make friends please let me know how it works!)

    • Sri

      To be fair, she says that that was what the daughter asked for. She didn’t just think that a decanter would be a great gift for a 20 something girl.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I still find it hilarious. It’s like an AB Fab xmas

    • Momma425

      She should’ve bought the wine rack!

    • EX

      Not to mention that he left them ON Boxing Day, the same day on which she, one year later, threw the pudding out the window with little apparent cause.

    • K

      Yeah, it was probably a depressing reminder for the girls that every time they went to see their dad, it was the same time of year he left their mom for the other woman…. Who is now their step mom and they’re spending the holidays with.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    I’m a kid (ok, adult) whose parents split up when I was 21. My dad left my mom for another woman after having an affair for a few months. I was definitely PISSED at my dad for a while (mostly because he lied to me and said that the affair was over when it wasn’t), but now my dad and stepmom are probably the family members with whom I spend the most time and I genuinely like her.

    It doesn’t HAVE to be a problematic relationship is all I’m saying.

    • Roberta

      I agree, it is stories like these that make me cringe a bit. Many people I know are from divorced/ non-nuclear families, including myself, and they turn out just fine.

      Then there is this woman.

  • Plonk

    OMG my father did the undertaker thing when he was young.

  • Kay_Sue

    Well. I was going to aim for throwing an entire Christmas tree in the yard (but ours is fake, so I’d just have to make him go reclaim it), but apparently I’ll have to think of something bigger if I’m going to make a splash.

    • darras

      To be honest I’m quite impressed that she managed to haul a whole tree out on her own! Unless it was a tiny tree.. and given that she likes to make 700 GBP GOLD SANDWICHES I doubt it was a small tree! I couldn’t pick up a tree on my own.. And definitely not without ending up covered in sap and stabbed by thousands of tiny sharp pine needles. The woman deserves a medal!

    • Kay_Sue

      I know, right? This woman’s got some cojones.

    • Véronique Houde

      She’s like the English Incredible Hulk. I wonder if she turned green when she did it?

  • Kelly

    No wonder they hate her. She’s a psycho.

  • LiteBrite

    “Today, I am single and no longer celebrate Christmas – the thought
    of making a pudding makes me shudder. I don’t bother with decorations,
    let alone a tree.”

    And that’s probably best for everyone.

  • Emma Lewis

    The incredible story of how bit.ly/google– came to existence, just wanted to share with you all,
    Good day :)

  • AP

    Where does the Daily Mail find these people? First the woman who wrote the tirade about how she didn’t want her kids, then these people?

    Is the English countryside dotted with trailer flats?

  • Alanna Jorgensen

    I understand why the daughters were upset at the situation, but my mother’s father did the exact same thing and married the younger woman he had cheated with. My mom’s brothers never forgave him but my mother retained a relationship with her dad and step mom that is extremely strong to this day. I adore her step mom and feel blessed to have her as a grandparent. I only wish my mom’s mother could let go of the bitterness 40 years later. It hurts no one but herself.

    ETA: I think this woman handled the situation poorly herself, however. Gifts do not make up for the pain the daughters felt. Only a real relationship would help that.

  • brebay

    I’m adding truculent to my daily usage vocabulary TODAY!

  • Sri

    Am I the only person that feels a little bad for this lady? Maybe it’s because I’ve seen this sort of relationship from the inside, so let me tell you a thing.

    My mother was my father’s second wife. He was divorced for 6 years before they got married, and they were married for 6 years before they had me. My father’s first wife never liked my mother (or my father: she tried to run him over with her car) and used to tell my half-siblings horrible horrible things about my mother. Imagine my surprise when, at 10 years old, my 30 something brother told me that my mother was a whore and his parents only got divorced because my mother was knocked up with me. I was horrified, devastated. This same brother would routinely come to my house to see my dad and not say hi to my mother or I, since I was an extension of her. Every year, he would get me a Christmas present- a wool sweater in his wife’s size- even though I was a kid and horribly horribly allergic to wool. When my dad died, he left everything to my mom, just in case she had to sell anything to pay for her medical care. The day of her funeral, my brother asked for my father’s belongings from the house.

    My mother always tried to welcome him into our home. She worked two jobs and made candy to sell to buy his textbooks at college. She washed his laundry every weekend even though his mother took the washer in the divorce, and my parents couldn’t afford a new one for years (I remember when they got their washer, so it was probably 15 years). She would make elaborate holiday dinners that he would say he was coming to, and then not show up for hours and hours, and then complain that the food was cold or put away. The only thing that kept her from throwing things, I’m sure, was the fact that my father supported her and told him that he was being an ass.

    I realize that these situations aren’t completely parallel, since the lady in the article actually did cheat with the girls’ father, but that doesn’t mean that the kids didn’t make it as difficult as possible on her. She still way overreacted, but I understand how terrible that kind of situation can be, and what kind of stress that can put on a person.

    • sri

      Just to add, this is different family from the pie family. Pie family is my in-laws. My brother knows not to fuck with my pie, because I bit him one Christmas eve when he tried to take my roast beef sandwich off my plate (I was a kid, but I’m still a biter when people fuck with my shit).

      Don’t fuck with pie or beef on weck.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I love your holiday violence

  • Paul White

    This just in: Sometimes upper class families can be trashy.

  • Smashley

    Maybe Revecca Eckler should’ve sent her step-children to spend Christmas with this woman.

    • Zettai

      YOU JUST KILLED MEEEEEE

    • Michelle Pittman

      OMG that’s exactly what i was going to post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • meg

    HAH I truly enjoyed this. It is just so important to remember that your mixed family is not just going to magically “shake down together”. Adults may love the thrill of “New Beginnings” but most kids, even older kids, just don’t. Gee, especially when their home is ripped apart by infidelity. Honestly while the author is a total bat, her ex deserves more than half the blame here. Grow some balls and actually make an effort to gradually introduce your daughters to this new arrangement. He was clearly happy to “let the ladies abttle it out” with no support or effort from him. I see this ALL. THE. TIME. in mixed families and it drives me nuts. A close, bonded, supportive mixed family does not happen overnight, even without the stain of infidelity. Imbeciles. Would have loved to be a neighbor that Christmas! …”Good heavens. Is that the Smith’s Nordic Christmas tree careening out the window? Tut tut…”

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