• Wed, Dec 18 - 9:00 am ET

If You Have A Vagina Then ‘Vaginal Knitting’ Is A Hot New Trend You Can Get Behind

Are you looking for a way to shut down conversations about your biological clock this holiday season? Are you looking for a way to show down conversations about when you will have another baby? Are you looking for a way to shut down almost ANY conversation? Than Vaginal Knitting is for you!

You can be just like this cat, except replace doing cross stitch with shoving a skein of yarn in your baby maker and knitting away! From our pal Megan Zander who told me about this CRAFTIVIST (and seriously, aren’t we all CRAFTIVISTS? the next time I bust out my glue gun and some glitter I’m going to tell everyone that) in Melbourne who for a LONG 28 days (Just like your menstrual cycle) cast off from her womb to sort of demystify the all mighty vulva. Don’t believe me? You bitch! Watch this video as proof.

I don’t know how to knit, but I have always wanted to learn, and now I really want to learn because I think this little skill would come in so handy at uncomfortable holiday gatherings. It’s not like anyone is going to expect you to cook anything or clean up after if you are busy doing needle work with supplies you get from your hoo-hah. Plus, think about all the amazing arguments you could have with your nana when she yells at you YOUR VULVA IS NOT A SEWING BASKET. 

Actually, maybe it is. I have never used my lady garden for storing stuff, other than tampons and the occasional dick, and maybe we are all missing out on extra storage space by not using our vaginas more and you know how women feel about extra storage space AMIRITE? Bitches love closets and purses and The Container Store.

To get back to the artistic elements of this project, the craftivist Casey Jenkins wrote a piece for The Guardian the other day defending her work:

As the deafening response to my work demonstrates, there is a hell of a lot of clamouring noise in society about what a person with a body like mine should and shouldn’t be doing with it. The pitch and volume of opinions can be so overwhelming that it’s difficult to quiet the noise, step back and choose a clear and autonomous path. With Casting Off My Womb I have attempted to do just that by paring concepts about body parts and activities related to women back to their most elemental. Over the course of the month I sat with the steady rhythm of the knitting needles and of my body and created a work that I have complete confidence in, a confidence that thousands of internet opinions have not dinted.

 

Which I think she did in part because people were mean about the project on You Tube. Listen, I’m an art fan. I enjoy the art. I also enjoy women and see nothing freaky or weird about our bodies but I’m just not sure I can get behind the artistic “merits” of this project because it seems sort of shocking for shocking’s sake, which is why I now want to do this at every holiday gathering I am invited to.

*Important update! Our Julia has even more ideas of things you can store in your lady biz!

(Image: you Tube)

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  • http://ultimatemamacat.tumblr.com/ Hana Graham

    “Actually, maybe it is. I have never used my lady garden for storing stuff, other than tampons and the occasional dick, and maybe we are all missing out on extra storage space by not using our vaginas more and you know how women feel about extra storage space AMIRITE? Bitches love closets and purses and The Container Store.”

    Best paragraph I have read all week.

  • Kay_Sue

    I have, apparently, been seriously under-utilizing my anatomy. I now find myself wondering what other great craft ideas I could fit up there. Cake decorating supplies, perhaps? Scrapbooking paper? A few rubber stamps?

    Hell, I might be able to turn it into a veritable mobile Craft 2000/Michaels/Hobby Lobby…

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      YOUR VAGINA IS THE NEW LADY/GAY/JEWISH FRIENDLY HOBBY LOBBY

    • Kay_Sue

      Very friendly. *wink wink*

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Oh man, I dread the next time I need to go to Michael’s because I will so be calling it Kay Sue’s vag and no one will know what I am talking about

    • Kay_Sue

      I am gonna need you to video those reactions and YouTube them.

    • Maxx

      Hello again Eve…long time no see.

    • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ FaintlyXMacabre

      This reminds me of Jon Stewart’s fake Martha Stewart script where she tells you how to refurbish an unsightly vagina. The key is glitter.

    • Toastlette

      Who needs kegels when you can pipe buttercream rosettes!

  • TngldBlue

    I’m totally freeing myself from my purse. I might have to get a smaller wallet though.

  • Natasha B

    I mean, why not?

  • Tea

    Shocking for shock’s sake is kind of what art does, and while I can get behind this way more than I can Damien Hirst’s… anything, I’m still not really a fan. It sounds like pinterest meets biohazard.

    It also sounds really itchy. Wool is itchy anywhere, wool in something sensitive and damp sounds like it’s asking for a lovecraftianly maddening itch.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Pinterest meets Biohazard is my new speed metal band name ty

    • Maxx

      I was thinking Vaginzard

    • http://www.gamedevwidow.weebly.com/ FaintlyXMacabre

      Have I finally met someone who shares my absolute hatred of Damien Hirst?

    • Tea

      Can’t stand him. I have an art and art history background, and I get twitchy when he’s compared to Duchamp, when his work just hits me as juvenile and has as much artistic merit as a slasher flick, and for the same reasons.

      He also sounds like a complete dickboat in interviews and artist statements.

    • Sri

      I’m a pretty enthusiastic knitter. I really like making stuff for family and friends. The only problem is that I’m allergic to wool (like actually break out in a rash for days from a hug allergic) and that’s what everyone wants me to use for their stuff. No problem, I just wear a pair of lab gloves while I knit.

      So, does that mean that I would have to put the yarn in a condom to vaginal knit? That seems like the obvious parallel. Then again, I don’t think anyone really wants something knitted from my snatch, so I can just use whatever yarn looks cool at the store without worrying about what it’s made out of.

  • Maxx

    Eve!Eve!Eve!Eve!Eve!Eve! Ok, that is all.

  • Mikala Romans

    Wow – my vag is totally under utilized. I don’t even use it to store the occasional dick. I am so bringing vag knitting into conversation somehow!
    Lady Garden – bahahaha… love it :)

    • Maxx

      Dick for rent here!

    • Maxx

      Muahahah

    • Mikala Romans

      Awww… aren’t you the sweetest taking one for Team Man. I think I should get a discount tho. It is Christmas!!

  • Tinyfaeri

    I hope it’s washable. And so many logistics… like, wouldn’t it be uncomfortable? I personally don’t like putting dry fabric up my vagina. Does knitting with less-than-dry wool affect the loose-ness of the weave? But only in parts because most of it would be shielded from natural vaginal lubrication by the rest of the skein. I mean, I guess you could blow it dry, but then it would be kind of gunky. I’m thinking about this way too much, aren’t I?

  • Williwaw

    I think sticking an entire skein of Alpaca Chunky up there would be quite uncomfortable. Not to mention the hazard when my cats see that yarn and want to get in on the knitting action.

    • Bethany Ramos

      I may be making a broad leap here, but…. cats love yarn…cats…pussies…now it vaginal knitting makes sense!

  • waffre

    No, this isn’t just gross because of fear of the female body, this is gross because of death by toxic shock syndrome. Putting unsterile things in your vagina is actually a pretty bad idea. I’m assuming she didn’t stick the yarn in an autoclave before she started knitting.

  • Polyamorous Mom

    I knit. I will not be storing yarn in my hooha. especially since a lot of my creations go on the head of my sweet nephew. ick.

  • pineapplegrasss

    but..why? funny, but ewww, I am now fearful of any knitted scarf

  • TheGiantPeach

    Menstrual blood makes a pretty nice tie-dye if you think about it.

    • AP

      When I was on HS swim team, Speedo was selling ombre tye-dyed swimsuits, where the dye started in the crotch and bled upwards towards the white shoulder straps. The red one was ghastly.

  • Megan Zander

    I have two comments.1- the threat of TSS would scare the bejesus out of me. 2- I’ll never look at ombré fabric the same way again.

  • AP

    I’ve always been jealous that kangaroos practical and useful reproductive system going on, what with the built-in-fanny-pack deal, while humans got none of those benefits and had to carry purses. Yet I’ve never been tempted to stick household items in my vag for storage.

  • sasareta

    I have to be honest: This sh!t is stupid.

  • Pessimistic Optimist

    I’d be impressed if she could do it hands – free …

  • whiteroses

    As a knitter, the only thing that was going through my head when I read this was, “OH, HELL NO.”
    I honestly think that the only people who would think this is a good idea are people who have never knit with undyed, natural wool. You know, the kind that still has bits of grass in it?

  • NicknamesAreDull

    My vagina owes me a thank you card for not pulling this kind of shit.