• Wed, Dec 18 - 11:00 am ET

Honest Toddler’s Mom: My Christmas Letter

81773248To: Our Loved Ones This Holiday Season
From: Us
Subject: Christmas Update

Dear Friends and Family,

First I’d like to apologize for not being able to put together some kind of matching pajamas YouTube Christmas video. While I do wear pajamas 99% of the time, they’re not the kind that would inspire holiday cheer. You’re more likely to feel an overwhelming sense of disgust at my lack of personal grooming.

2013 proved to be a fantastic year. The kids are doing great. As I’m typing this I’m proud to report that no one has thrown up in 24 hours. This is a major victory. I spent yesterday mourning the loss of my favorite Tupperwares as it was vomited in numerous times by our oldest daughter, age 7. I can’t comfortably use it to store leftovers in anymore so if anyone would like to join me I’ll be pouring one out for my fallen plastic homie at around 2pm EST in the backyard. I guess I didn’t breastfeed this child long enough or maybe I skipped too many days of prenatals because she’s like Venus Fly Trap for viruses. She’s never met a bug she didn’t instantly succumb to.

Don’t worry, our little barfer is doing better now. Unfortunately she ended up missing her school’s holiday festival performance but I didn’t really want to see any of those parents anyway. She loves horses and of course the proverbial STD of her generation, Rainbow Loom. If I have to pick up one more of those little rubber bands off of the floor I’m going to melt it down and freebase it. Misery performance art.

If I had to pick a slogan to describe this year it would have to be “Lowering Our Standards As A Family.” Let’s take the word “dinner” for example. It can mean so many thing if you just open your heart. Two kids ago “dinner” might mean a meat, vegetable, and carbohydrate. Now it can mean pancakes or McDonalds 20 piece chicken nuggets with celery sticks to curb the guilt. Thank you, 2013.

As many of you know, this will be baby’s first Christmas for our six month-old. We’re celebrating with a prescription for thrush. My sweet infant and I are passing a very powerful yeast infection back and forth between each other via our nursing relationship. During this time of year I’d like to think that our strain of yeast goes all the way back to the baby Jesus and Mary. Maybe the holy mother also felt like little yeasty soldiers were entering her nipples and stabbing her breasts from the inside when she fed our savior. If you’re a bread baker feel free to come by the house with a petri dish for some leavening as I’m sure this stuff could raise a loaf. Anyway, I’ll be chasing my eggnog and rum with antibiotics as soon as I can get to the clinic.

How is the four year-old? She’s coping well with her new role as big sister but I’ll tell you one thing: middle child syndrome is real. I’m not sure whether to save for her
future therapy or bail bonds. As soon as I finally get her into bed I start eating those new gingerbread flavored Oreos and don’t stop until I forget how many times she cried and/or screamed “I DON’T LIKE YOU!” directly in to my face. Do they give electric shock therapy to preschoolers? Haha just kidding. I try to do a craft with her every day so by 3PM the house looks like someone binge drank glue, construction paper, and Disney princess stickers before throwing up everywhere. Speaking of Disney princesses, she’s also quite smitten with The Little Mermaid. Thank you, grandma, for the Ariel princess dresses. She wears them daily. Trying to snap the buckles on her carseat with 20 yards of tulle scratching my corneas isn’t making me want to leave my family and start a new life in a new city.

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  • cesp

    My husband and I have been debating having a second child….Thank you for making the decision an easy one.

  • Kay_Sue

    “We’re like a traveling life action birth control commercial.”

    This is going to be my life in two days when the rest of our brood joins us. Doubling the number of kids in the house! Hell yeas! Someone shoot me. The only upside is that the full moon has passed and hopefully (if I did the math right) won’t be back while they are all here.

    My condolences on your poor Tupperware container. I will light a candle for that sad lonely leftovers warrior.

  • Zettai

    Hands-down, FUNNIEST article ever written on Mommyish! I laughed out loud at too many lines to copy here, you are great!

  • Bethany Ramos

    Sooooo funny. My life sounds about the same with a 6mo and sickly toddler. Cheers!

  • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

    “Lowering Our Standards As A Family.” I just died. This was amazing.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      I did an actual spit take!

    • LiteBrite

      I think that’s going to be my 2014 New Year’s resolution.

    • brebay

      Do it, you’ll never be happier!

    • Amanda

      Loved that too. Glad I’m not the only one doing it.

  • TwentiSomething Mom

    very funny!

  • AnonKnowItAll

    Nooooo! Don’t throw out the tupper! You can definitely use that for a future hamster (or other small domestic rodent) burial. Merry Holidaymas!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      YES!

    • ktbay

      Somewhere in my mom’s back yard there are two Tupperware containers with our dearly loved rats in them.

    • Kay_Sue

      Upcycling! (Is that upcycling? I don’t know, I just wanted to throw out a buzz word.)

  • M Jennemann

    I love you. I learned not to read your blog while attempting to ingest anything. You are a serious choke hazard! But having barely survived a recent ‘sick house’ where only the adults were sick, I can relate and appreciate your post. My husband actually changed the sheets. I am pretty sure that it is a bad sign when the men notice. :)

  • ajmingram

    Thank you for the amazing laugh this morning! If only everyone’s Christmas letters were this real.

  • Paul White

    Remember, with low standards you’re not disappointed!

  • Candice

    Laughed as I picked up the 656th rubber band since Rainbow Loom entered our lives. We have a vomit bucket that everyone worries I will one day use to cook spaghetti…in frustrated revenge. Wait until you get to four kids….total freak show. I have stopped the production of more family…cousins are reaching their 30′s with no desire for children. ;)

    • Natasha B

      Oh noooo! We’ll be at 4 in June. I have informed the hubby that I will only be making solo target trips. Ever.
      Also: grandma got the 9yo a rainbow loom for Christmas. I’m trying to think of an appropriate gift for her now….

    • beth

      You know what works amazing? Take your minions to an art supply store and let them go crazy picking hard to clean up stuff. Pack it in a tote and “gift” it to grandma from them! Never fails as payback.

    • Natasha B

      Glitter. All the glitter.

    • Aussiemum

      4 kidlets rock! Mine are 16 down to 7. As they get older, the more they can do! I tell them that I’m teaching them life skills. Luckily for me, they believe it. It’s basically things I hate doing myself. Dishes, rubbish bin emptying, vacuuming, and recently I introduced them to the washing machine. Now I’m only left washing mine and hubby’s clothes, towels and sheets.
      Downfall of 4 kids tho….. I’ve not peed by myself in 16 yrs, and the fighting. And bitching at each other. I could easily drop kick each one across the fence, when they decide that an all in brawl is necessary, just to decide if they are watching the Simpsons or a freaking DVD.
      In saying that, my house is very quiet when there is no kids here. If they get babysat overnight, we go pick them up a couple of hours earlier than arranged. Unless I’ve got a raging hangover, then it’s safer for them to fight at my mums.

  • D.Y

    I love this! i’m a mom to 2-yr-old twin boys. If I were to write a Christmas letter it would be similar to this, except I would include a paragraph about how my sons have hit the “heinous little dicks” stage. I am so proud that they have mastered the art of shoving their brother off the couch, breaking every goddamn thing they touch, and whining until I want to take them to a fire station.
    Thank you for making me laugh today!

    • pineapplegrasss

      haha, I’d also return my 2yo if he would fit in that little slidey box at the hospital

  • lhob

    Hilarious! just this morning I was supervising my toddler on the potty while on the phone with a potential future employer! Luckily he didn’t toot into the phone!

  • liquidpeppermint

    This is my life. I didn’t do number 3 to myself, but otherwise…this is my life. Especially the laundry part. And I’ve begun to allow my 3 year old to dress herself. I feel that it is my duty to liven up the otherwise mundane lives of my fellow Wal-Mart patrons by giving them a good show. Giant sunglasses, santa hat, Hello Kitty slippers and orange tutu? CHECK! And my kid looks pretty crazy, too.

  • Natasha B

    Yay!!!! So glad you’re on Mommyish! You’re my favorite twitter account!
    We’re ‘gifting’ the 18mo with a sibling in June. I have a feeling she’ll take it about as well as your toddler ;)

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Congrats on the sibling!

    • Natasha B

      Thank you! It will bring our count to 4, so I would like all the wine, please.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I’m right there with ya so I will share all the wine

  • OneleggedTarzan

    That’s the spirit!

  • LadySiren

    Oh god, SO close to home, it hurts. I have five – yes, five – of the little buggers via a blended family. I’m often stopped in the grocery store by well-meaning individuals who tend to say something like, “Are all them youngin’ yers? Well, bless your heart.” By the way, President Reagan said ketchup counts as a vegetable. Good enough for me.

    Merry Chriskwannukah!

  • Amy at Funny is Family

    Washing sheets with some regularity? That’s the stuff dreams are made of.

    • helloshannon

      that’s actually a good goal for me too…. shame.

  • EX

    I loved this and I love HT. With a 2.5 year old and another one coming soon it’s all very close to home! So glad you’re on mommyish and hope to see more of you on here.

  • Dahlia Forbes

    Brilliant…Merry Christmas HT

  • Lauren

    Thanks for the great letter! Loved it! A little tip for the thrush: Stop eating all sugar and drinking any alcohol and start taking some multi-strain probiotics (the refrigerated ones) and you can even open the capsules up and give them to baby, or get infant probiotics. Udo’s is a good brand for infant probiotics. It should clear up within a week! So much healthier for you and babies developing intestinal flora. Anitbiotics could just upset the balance even more. Speaking from personal experience here! Good luck! Happy Holidays!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      You so lost me at “stop eating all sugar and drinking all alcohol.”

  • whiteroses

    I loved every single word of this.

  • Lisa Baker

    Oh HT’s mom. I love you. Love your whole family. So the conference call. I have to share. This one time I was interviewing a research scientist in another country about a study she did. In the middle of our interview, my baby woke up and pooped all over himself. I tried to fix this while on the phone with her but he was screaming so loud she couldn’t even hear me. She finally told me to call her back when I was ready and hung up on me. OMG. Trying to forget that one.

  • MammaSweetpea

    Love the Honest Toddler!

  • Pingback: Christmas Cheer: 2013 365 Challenge #354 | writermummy

  • emmam34

    “We’re like a traveling live action birth control commercial” – I know I’m late reading this one, but the sentence right here is just priceless… :)