I love Christmas. Everything about the holiday makes me happy– decorated trees, Christmas lights, gifts, cocktails, and even Christmas music. Invariably, the Christmas episodes on TV shows are my favorite, I can’t get enough of Christmas movies, and I cry every time Meg Ryan decorates the damn tree in “You’ve Got Mail.” Then again, that doesn’t feel like my fault. Joni Mitchell is playing. What, am I supposed to sit there, not crying?
There’s a few standbys around this time of year that I’ve come to expect: weird dudes trying to get girls to go on horse-drawn carriage rides, holiday parties where I am the only person not wearing an ugly sweater, and some tired version of “‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’: Is This Seasonal Favorite Really About Rape Culture?” It happens every year, and every year, the answer is yes. Yes, “Baby It’s Cold Outside” really crosses a lot of boundaries and makes many people (me included) very uncomfortable. We should banish it from our Christmas Pandora (yeah, I still use Pandora because I find Spotify to be confusing. What of it?) stations and move on to a new song.
Who here likes “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus?” No one, obviously. That song is weird and gross and you know why? The creep factor doesn’t come from some deeply voiced dude being like “you’re hurting my pride by not letting me put my candy cane inside you and if you go outside you will die from inclement weather.” No, it’s far worse. The kid is the creep.
First of all, let’s take this from the infidelity angle. Let’s just say your mom is cheating on dad with Santa Claus and you’re peeping around the corner like some sick lunatic gleefully watching your mom do weird stuff to some dude who’s not your dad. If you see that, shouldn’t you have other feelings? Like “oh my goodness, my mother is having an affair with an intruder dressed in a weird garment. I’m probably going to have to go to therapy.” Also, I hope you can understand that your mother is a person and if she cheated on your dad, she’s not a bad person necessarily, she’s a person who did a bad thing. And cheating is never acceptable but I hope in time you’ll come to realize that even your parents aren’t infallible.