• Tue, Dec 17 - 1:00 pm ET

Mommyish Gift Guide: 5 Gifts For The Sanctimommy In Your Life

57539366I’ve read more than one blog post that deals with “What not to get my kids.” Am I the only who finds this totally annoying? 

A holiday gift is a gesture – nothing more, nothing less. I think people are forgetting this. There is no necessity to buy someone a gift – you do it out of the kindness of your heart. Yes, some things aren’t safe for kids, aren’t age appropriate, are too loud – whatever. It’s the parents job to sift through that stuff – not the gift giver. If you find yourself in the annoying situation of having a mom or dad in your life that gives explicit instructions on what gifts are appropriate for their children and you’d like to send a not so subtle message – here’s a few suggestions.

1. Marbles



Nothing terrifies the parents of small children more than marbles. Worst. Gift. Ever.

2. Kiddie Cleaning Trolley



Nothing will piss off an over-achieving sanctiparent more than hinting that his or her child may not own the company one day – but be cleaning it. God forbid.

3. Profanity Generator



Methinks these parents will never expect a gift from you again.

4. Electrocution Game



Hey! It turns out marbles aren’t the most terrifying gift for kids after all!

5. Elmo Knows Your Name

This was a big f-you to parents even before I knew it made death threats.

(photo: Getty Images)

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    I have to say, I am super loving these gift guides. There is a lot of WEIRD FUCKING STUFF that exists in this wonderful world of ours.

    I obviously need that profanity generator because my cursing could use an upgrade, no?

    • LiteBrite

      I was thinking the same thing. I would LOVE to have that generator.

      [Walks away making a new notation on her Christmas list....]

  • JKVC12

    the elmo story was local news-worthy? good grief

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      I know, right? haha

  • Fuzzy ‘n Broken Mirror

    No. 3 is a flurking waste of mothertrotting time.

  • EmmaFromÉire

    Go one step more evil- buy their kid a jigsaw but take out some of the pieces. If they do actually try and do it, they’ll have the parents demented looking for those few missing pieces.

    • xvala

      The 3D puzzles. They are an even bigger torture. Technically, the company that made them went out of business, but you can totally still find them on Ebay. They are fiendishly difficult and the pieces get lost more or less immediately, if the seller sends them all in the first place. REVENGE! BWAHAHAHAHAA! :D

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      I’ve never even seen one. They sound effing terrible!

  • Paul White

    I refuse to buy Sam play cleaning equipment. He can just play with the real broom damnit. Maybe I’ll get a clean floor out of it.

    • EvilStepmom

      Kids love dust busters!

    • Squi5hyUnicorn

      That was my mom !!!
      “Why would I buy you a fake vacuum when we have a real one that works perfectly fine ?!”

    • ted3553

      my 1.5 year old loves to take the kitchen cloth and wipe the coffee table. I’m working on pointing to the missed spots and having him wipe them. It gives me immense joy to sit on the couch and have him wipe the table while I watch TV.

  • Tinyfaeri

    I need that Elmo toy. My 20 month old is getting so close to saying ex-TER-minate from her Dalek toy.

    • Vicki Lewis

      If your baby is quoting anything from Doctor Who I’d say your job is done. Coolest baby ever.

  • Stacey

    My go to gift in this case would be a Caillou DVD box set. “I knew you’d approve since it’s educational!” *innocent face*

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      Having had little interaction with the younger set but devotedly following STFU, Parents, I learned about the horrors of Caillou and looked up a clip on YouTube just to see what all the fuss was about.

      So I can now affirm that you are colder than an Antarctic windstorm. I am so in awe that despite my dedication to spinsterhood and childfreedom, I want to marry you and have your babies.