Isn’t Twitter just grand? Nowadays all you need is a computer and the internet to connect to friends, family and people from all over the world. Your college boyfriend’s roommate that you haven’t seen in 10 years? Now you can connect with him on Twitter and tell him all about your latest pap smear! YAY!
But nobody loves Twitter like sanctimommies (except maybe porn spammers). Where else can you passive aggressively shame other moms in public? The mall? I think not. Sanctimommies love Twitter the way DudeBros love popped collars, trucker hats and rapey t-shirts. They especially like shaming other moms on Twitter, especially moms they think are dirty, dirty whores, or worse, drunken dirty whores. And they want to tell the world about it.
8. Where’s your baby, you drunk?
Silly drunk-o, don’t you know that once you have a little uterus crusader, that you can’t have fun? Where is your baby? Did you leave it in a gas station bathroom? The zoo? SO SAD. SO VERY SAD.
7. Lesley needs mommy friend, but not drunk ones, you lushes.Â
Lesley is looking for mommy friends. Some girlfriends she can share a laugh with and relieve the stress of parenthood. But you better not be a stinky-drinky lush, and you best have time for her and her daughter. Lesley don’t play around.
6. Dick Crazy Slut
Let this be a lesson to all you dick crazy slut moms out there. Someone who seriously goes by the name “Smokahontas” on the internet thinks you should BE A MOM and stop drinking and being so darn crazy for dick. Sluts.
5. A question for the ages…
4. Respect yourself
3. Congratulations, your mom is a slut.
2. Mommy duties are serious shit
Alyssa’s just being honest, you slags. Mommy duties include cooking, cleaning, feeding, clothing, washing, baking, and maybe watching Days of our Lives, but they most certainly do NOT including partying. DUH.
1. Mommy pride