I’m kind of a Scrooge and there aren’t a lot of things on this world that I like. There are a lot of things that I hate, namely: lines, fluorescent lights, competition, the pressure to buy things, and crowds. Basically, the perfect storm for this seething Grinch is a big box store between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not that I enjoy shopping at Sears during the rest of the year, but everyone knows that the holidays make shopping infinitely more excruciating. If I learned anything from commercials and trend pieces throughout my lifetime, Christmas toy shopping is a ruthless activity. It gets savage in Kmart!
Hypothetically, the only reason I’d ever face holiday-deal shopping in one of those nightmare stores would be if my two-year-old nephew wanted a toy that could only be purchased off the shelf. Since he lives in the U.K., if whatever toy the kids go crazy over wasn’t available there, I’d be stuck playing aggressive tug-of-war with some moms and dads at Walmart. I love that little dingus and he loves Elmo. If 2013 was the year of Tickle-Me-Elmo, I’d do whatever it took to secure one for him.
Ruminating over my hypothetical fantasy made me realize why so many people act like freak-shows over the holidays. It might be materialistic, but it’s out of love for family and not wanting to disappoint those you love. No one wants to wake up at the crack of dawn to wait in line and throw elbows for a toy or a television set, but they do it. Part of me kind of likes that my hypothetical self would hypothetically be willing to hypothetically suffer just to buy a toy for my real-life sister’s real-life kid. Whatever it took, that muppet would come home with me. I don’t care who I’d have to fight for him.
In my imagination, if I were to brave a Sears or like superstore to shop for the much coveted toy of the season, I would do it from my heart. I’d shop for Tickle-Me-Elmo like I meant it. In my toy-war fantasy, I’m in full on army fatigues and equipped with attitude to spare. Take no prisoners, except for Tickle-Me-Elmo.
These 10 kinds of mothers need to get the fuck out of my way:
Whatever the It Toy is be it a Furby or a Shmurby or whatever, there are going to be anus-tarts who will greedily hoard more than their fair share only to flip them on the internet. These people are sociopaths and deserve to be punched in the face. They are profiting off of the threat of disappointing other people’s children. If I see a twisted maniac with more than their fair share of ticklish Elmo-robots in their shopping cart, I will get violent and then make it my goal to shut down their eBay business.
2) Mother Fuckers-
So, these aren’t really moms so much as mother’s husbands, wives and lovers. If some idiot got their sex-crony to hit to toy aisle while they shop elsewhere in Target, I will punch their goon right in the crotch. If you can’t brave the Tickle-Me-Elmo section yourself, you should just shop online.
3) Mother who thinks there are no others-
This morning on my commute to work, my train car was particularly crowded. During normal rush hour, a couple thought to bring their newborn on the subway. It would have been fine if the mother didn’t shout to the entire car “If anyone pushes on my newborn again, I will kill everyone.” I get it, but everyone on that train was once someone’s newborn infant too. No one was trying to hurt her baby deliberately and it’s completely fucked to ask everyone to be nice to you as you declare your family the rulers of the space.
As much as I’d like the world to be more newborn and parent-of-newborn friendly, there’s a time and a place to inconvenience everyone on earth with a precious attitude about precious offspring swaddled up in a military grade tank of a stroller. That time and place is not the competitive toy aisle before Christmas. If you’re going to bring your baby to the line of fire, don’t expect me to tiptoe around it.
4) Mother Superior-
Giving up worldly possessions means giving up Tickle-Me-Elmo too. I’m going to punch the meaning of Christmas back into this skank.
Their baby would never play with a Tickle-Me-Elmo because their child is above it. Toys like that are giving children autism, cancer and poverty, but some garbage kid they know wants it, so they’ll suffer Walmart for the pitiable creature. I will sock this condescending freak. You don’t have to like being in some big box super mega consumerist store buying a Tickle-Me-Elmo for some lowlife’s scummy baby, but you better not look down on the other people doing exactly what you’re doing. If you don’t like it, get out of my fucking way.
7) My own mother-
Just kidding, I totally love my mom and would never punch her…unless she got between me and Tickle-Me-Elmo, then she’s going down.
Gisele can get a blowout, manicure, breastfeed and bargain hunt all at once, so she’s going to get it.
MILF may be a disgusting term, but I’m in a disgusting mood at this hypothetical Target. I don’t care how pretty you are or how much I want to boff you, I have my eyes on the prize and that prize wants to be tickled by my nephew. I just punched Gisele in the face; your pretty face is doomed.
10) Expectant Mothers-
Since I’ve already gone wild and punched so many people, I might as well go for it. You punch one pregnant woman and no one will ever get in your way again.
(Image: getty Images)