• Fri, Dec 13 - 3:00 pm ET

10 Types Of Moms I’d Punch In The Face For A Tickle Me Elmo At Christmastime

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I’m kind of a Scrooge and there aren’t a lot of things on this world that I like. There are a lot of things that I hate, namely: lines, fluorescent lights, competition, the pressure to buy things, and crowds. Basically, the perfect storm for this seething Grinch is a big box store between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not that I enjoy shopping at Sears during the rest of the year, but everyone knows that the holidays make shopping infinitely more excruciating. If I learned anything from commercials and trend pieces throughout my lifetime, Christmas toy shopping is a ruthless activity. It gets savage in Kmart!

 

Hypothetically, the only reason I’d ever face holiday-deal shopping in one of those nightmare stores would be if my two-year-old nephew wanted a toy that could only be purchased off the shelf. Since he lives in the U.K., if whatever toy the kids go crazy over wasn’t available there, I’d be stuck playing aggressive tug-of-war with some moms and dads at Walmart. I love that little dingus and he loves Elmo. If 2013 was the year of Tickle-Me-Elmo, I’d do whatever it took to secure one for him.

 

Ruminating over my hypothetical fantasy made me realize why so many people act like freak-shows over the holidays. It might be materialistic, but it’s out of love for family and not wanting to disappoint those you love.  No one wants to wake up at the crack of dawn to wait in line and throw elbows for a toy or a television set, but they do it. Part of me kind of likes that my hypothetical self would hypothetically be willing to hypothetically suffer just to buy a toy for my real-life sister’s real-life kid. Whatever it took, that muppet would come home with me. I don’t care who I’d have to fight for him.

 

In my imagination, if I were to brave a Sears or like superstore to shop for the much coveted toy of the season, I would do it from my heart. I’d shop for Tickle-Me-Elmo like I meant it. In my toy-war fantasy, I’m in full on army fatigues and equipped with attitude to spare. Take no prisoners, except for Tickle-Me-Elmo.

 

These 10 kinds of mothers need to get the fuck out of my way:

 

1) Con-Mom-

Whatever the It Toy is be it a Furby or a Shmurby or whatever, there are going to be anus-tarts who will greedily hoard more than their fair share only to flip them on the internet. These people are sociopaths and deserve to be punched in the face. They are profiting off of the threat of disappointing other people’s children.  If I see a twisted maniac with more than their fair share of ticklish Elmo-robots in their shopping cart, I will get violent and then make it my goal to shut down their eBay business.

 

2) Mother Fuckers-

So, these aren’t really moms so much as mother’s husbands, wives and lovers. If some idiot got their sex-crony to hit to toy aisle while they shop elsewhere in Target, I will punch their goon right in the crotch. If you can’t brave the Tickle-Me-Elmo section yourself, you should just shop online.

 

3) Mother who thinks there are no others-

This morning on my commute to work, my train car was particularly crowded. During normal rush hour, a couple thought to bring their newborn on the subway. It would have been fine if the mother didn’t shout to the entire car “If anyone pushes on my newborn again, I will kill everyone.” I get it, but everyone on that train was once someone’s newborn infant too. No one was trying to hurt her baby deliberately and it’s completely fucked to ask everyone to be nice to you as you declare your family the rulers of the space.

 

As much as I’d like the world to be more newborn and parent-of-newborn friendly, there’s a time and a place to inconvenience everyone on earth with a precious attitude about precious offspring swaddled up in a military grade tank of a stroller. That time and place is not the competitive toy aisle before Christmas. If you’re going to bring your baby to the line of fire, don’t expect me to tiptoe around it.

 

4) Mother Superior-

Giving up worldly possessions means giving up Tickle-Me-Elmo too. I’m going to punch the meaning of Christmas back into this skank.

 

6) Sanctimommy-

Their baby would never play with a Tickle-Me-Elmo because their child is above it. Toys like that are giving children autism, cancer and poverty, but some garbage kid they know wants it, so they’ll suffer Walmart for the pitiable creature. I will sock this condescending freak. You don’t have to like being in some big box super mega consumerist store buying a Tickle-Me-Elmo for some lowlife’s scummy baby, but you better not look down on the other people doing exactly what you’re doing.  If you don’t like it, get out of my fucking way.

 

7) My own mother-

Just kidding, I totally love my mom and would never punch her…unless she got between me and Tickle-Me-Elmo, then she’s going down.

 

8) Gisele-

Gisele can get a blowout, manicure, breastfeed and bargain hunt all at once, so she’s going to get it.

9) MILFs-

 

MILF may be a disgusting term, but I’m in a disgusting mood at this hypothetical Target. I don’t care how pretty you are or how much I want to boff you, I have my eyes on the prize and that prize wants to be tickled by my nephew. I just punched Gisele in the face; your pretty face is doomed.

 

10) Expectant Mothers-

Since I’ve already gone wild and punched so many people, I might as well go for it. You punch one pregnant woman and no one will ever get in your way again.

(Image: getty Images)

Share This Post:
  • keelhaulrose

    Okay… take a breath…

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      RIGHT? I almost puke laughed when I read this

  • Samantha_Escobar

    Amazing. I love this.

  • pixie

    ALL THE RAGE!

  • Kay_Sue

    I’ve seen folks get punched for less on Black Friday. Unleash the rage.

    I wish that was a joke.

  • AE Vorro

    “I’m going to punch the meaning of Christmas back into this skank.”

    Words we should all live by, really.

    • LiteBrite

      Another great t-shirt slogan.

  • quinn

    What if Giselle isn’t even shopping for a hypothetical toy your nephew wants? Doesn’t matter, just punch her anyways for good measure.

  • Janok Place

    lol this is pretty good :) Although I must say, I’d snap too if people were shoving my newborn. Not cool if those little peanuts take the wrong hit to their soft little noggins.

    • EmmaFromÉire

      If you’re bringing your newborn onto the subway then out that soft headed little alien into a bubble. Aint no way they’re not gonna get bustled around, it’s public transport.

    • Janok Place

      What are under privileged folks who cannot afford private transportation to do in the scenario where they may need to transport said newborn? If they need to get across town for doctor’s appointments, they need to do it somehow. I don’t think it would kill other passengers to mindful of the young, elderly, disabled or otherwise at risk passengers. Public transportation implies that it is meant for everyone’s use. I imagine it is not meant to exclude young mothers of a certain financial demographic.

    • EmmaFromÉire

      I get you’re point but I think it’s a tad naive. Public transport is full of public assholes, and it always will be.
      I never suggested mothers with newborns find another way, just that it’s worth bearing in mind that EVERYONE on public transport gets bustled around. Yeah, it’s annoying as fuck, but it happens when trains/trams/buses move off and stop, and there’s not much that can be done about it.

    • Janok Place

      I totally get that, but all I’m saying is I can totally see how a new mother, under serious stress, forced to take the public transport system would absolutely become reactive and protective when people DID bustle her new born around. Maybe he had a medical condition, maybe he really was in danger, maybe obnoxious strangers were petting him and she flipped. I’m not judging her for it, that’s all. You can judge though, that’s totally up to you. I’m alright with being a tad bit naive, and if you’re okay with being a tad bit judgmental then I think we can both leave it at ’nuff said.

    • EmmaFromÉire

      I’m being realistic, not judgemental. If you get on a crowded subway people will bump into you. It happens, it’s not THAT big a deal, and is something to be expected on public transport.

    • Janok Place

      Sure, and I’m being empathetic, not naive.

    • EmmaFromÉire

      Sure.

    • Cabbie

      So we’re clear, you really think it’s ever acceptable to say “I will kill everyone” on a crowded subway train? Sorry, new moms do not get a free pass to make terroristic threats.

  • FF4life

    If you’re willing to punch expectant mothers expect to be punched back. Any pregnant woman ballsy enough to brave the Christmas rush WILL cut a bitch.

    • EcnoTheNeato

      Pretty sure that would be implied with all 10, not just the expecting moms o_O

  • ElmosFutureMIL

    How I personally determine punchability while holiday shopping: Are you buying a ticklemp me Elmo? Are you in the same aisle as tickle me Elmo? Are there other tickle me Elmo’s available? Jk that last one doesn’t matter, I’m taking my holiday frustration out on you. I will walk to the other end of the aisle, punch you in the face, then walk back and pick up my Elmo like a Muppet mafia boss.
    Seriously though, do people really do this?

    • Karen Milton

      They do. I’m in Canada and Black Friday isn’t a thing, except now it totally is a thing. A shelf stocker kid got taken out when he was bringing out a new shipment of whatever the fuck – people pushed him over and literally grabbed shit out of his hands after he told them they were reserved and not for sale. I can’t imagine watching my kid open that gift with anything but utter shame if I’d had to take out a teenager to get it. I’d punch those mothers in the face even if I didn’t want the stupid toy, just on principle.

      This is why I shop in November. Last minute list changes? Nope, you are SOL. I have a bit of a hair trigger and I truly enjoy yelling at strangers, so my husband has banned me from retail establishments for the month of December unless I’m properly medicated and supervised. It’s probably for the best – I will seriously cut a bitch.

  • DatNanny

    This is the best article about hypothetically punching other mothers I’ve ever read.

  • http://ultimatemamacat.tumblr.com/ Hana Graham

    I just spit coffee all over my computer from laughing, thank you hahaha

  • Music Mamma

    I could watch Lane punch Pete in the face all day. All. Day.

  • Jessie

    “ANUS-TARTS” IS MY NEW FAVORITE INSULT, THANK YOU! Haha!
    This is seriously the funniest article I’ve seen in a while, I almost spit my soda all over my keyboard!

  • EcnoTheNeato

    Con-mom is the worst, and I don’t think this is in order or anything, but that’d be my #1 too. My mom bought me some power rangers toy back in the day and grabbed the 2nd to last one. Someone in the aisle said “Oh, is this supposed to be popular?!” and snagged it. Pretty sure my mom told her not to take it if she was just going to sell it. Pretty sure she did…

    But yeah, there are those types in every circle. I HATE the jack-asses who order 2-3 new video games or systems, just to sell them at 300% profit later that day on ebay…Just order one like the rest of us, you turd.

  • Renee J

    Tickle-Me-Elmo is the hot new toy? Is this 1995?

  • aliceblue

    I understand why some of these mothers activate your “punch-reflex” but for a T-M Elmo? Don’t do it! If that crappy creature comes to your home for more than 24 hours you will be wanting to punch elderly nuns and newborns.

    Oh, and ” anus-tarts.” LOL

  • Julia Sonenshein

    I’ve come back to this a ridiculous number of times to watch the gifs and write down possible slogans to put on hats. Anus Tart is the favorite so far.