• Wed, Dec 11 - 4:00 pm ET

One Million Moms Are The Worst: Here’s What You Can Get Them For Christmas

Maybe you’ve heard of the One Million Moms? They describe themselves as “a network of Christian moms who have joined together to stand up for our children and families.” Translation – a bunch of prudish bigots who spend their days clutching their pearls, practicing intolerance and writing letters of protest.

I personally think that the members of the One Million Moms are some of the worst human beings in existence – but even jerks get to celebrate the holidays so I didn’t want to leave them out of our gift guides. Christmas is kind of their jam, what with the birth of the baby Jesus and all. Happy Birthday baby Jesus! Sorry all these weirdos are constantly using you as a poster child.

1. Abacus


There are no where near a million members in this ridiculous group. Last time I checked there were 61,050 likes on their Facebook page. That’s 61,050 too many – but it’s nowhere near a million.

2. Skittles, preferably fashioned into anal beads


The Skittles protest wasn’t a waste of time. I’m sure when people see a commercial with a woman and a walrus they immediately think – bestiality! Right? People are always trying to push that whole lady-walrus agenda, so thank God the Million Moms exist to write letters. Here are some wonderful strings of Skittles. They are dual purpose; they can be used tasty anal beads or for mock pearl-clutching. Enjoy!

3. Italian Dressing-flavored lube

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You Tube

Do you ever get the feeling that everything exists? This doesn’t. But I so wish it did. I would send as much as I could afford to Million Mom headquarters, so they’d really have something to be offended about. They didn’t like the sexy guy Kraft used to sell their dressing. Dressing isn’t sexy, Kraft! It’s not our problem you can’t envision licking salad dressing off this guys stom- I mean, that you don’t see the clear connection between sexy and Italian food.

4. Can you gift wrap tolerance?


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I don’t think so. But if you could – this would be number one on the list.

5. Dummy Bible Vibrator Stash

This probably exists, right? I mean, not necessarily for hiding vibrators, per se – but this would make a great gift.

6. Blindfold

If only they didn’t have the gift of sight, they wouldn’t spend 98% of their lives offended by everything they see. This is cheap, easy and perfect for the moms.

7. Ink Well and Dip Pen


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If they are going to act like it’s 1901, they should be able to write letters of protest like it, too.

8. Pearls for Clutching


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Judgment just doesn’t feel as good when you’re not clutching your pearls.

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • LadyClodia

    NSFW, possibly NSFL. How about sending them pretty much anything from this http://divine-interventions.com/religioustoys.php site?

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Oh my – hahahah!

    • Ashley

      Thank you a million times for sharing this.

  • Fun for everyone!

    I had not heard about the whole walrus-skittle-sex scandal until now. Maybe instead of candy anal beads you should start a campaign where everyone sends ‘The Million Moms’ pics of their kids with chopstick-tusks and claim the offspring are the result of all the walrus-sex the commercial inspired them to have.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      good idea!

    • Kay_Sue

      I am in. :)

  • Mai

    One Million Moms are the worst? I dunno. I usually save that rank for: people that let their dog poo on your lawn, parents who let their kids run through walmart like a playground, people who are overly aggressive and rude drivers, and people who beg in store parking lots, then complain about what I offer them.

    • Mystik Spiral

      OMM are worse than all of those things put together.

    • Tinyfaeri

      So what are you offering the people begging in parking lots?

    • brebay

      just typed exactly that, then looked down and saw this! I’m guessing either Jesus or quiet, backseat missionary…shoes on.

    • Tinyfaeri

      I was going to guess advice, but I was really hoping Mai was going to come back and tell us. Maybe it was a doughnut, who knows?

    • brebay

      dog poo over pedophiles? Bratty kids over drunk drivers? Mmmmmkay.

  • The worst

    Please do not use the word tolerance in an article that is ridiculing others for their personal beliefs. It makes you look really dumb. Not saying that they’re right, just saying that people like you aren’t helping things by being catty.

    • Rachel Sea

      Tolerance does not include being respectful of the dumb crap that bigots try to
      force on others.

    • CMJ

      She used “intolerance.” Which they are…intolerant. They will boycott/proselytize/lambast ANYTHING they do not believe in…if that’s not intolerance, I don’t know what is…

      Calling someone out for intolerance is not catty. They tolerate pretty much nothing but their narrow world view so why do I have to tolerate them?

      ETA: Oh wait, I see it under #4. Still, they are the worst of the worst. And if you want to call me catty for saying that, so be it.

    • the worst

      Yeah, but the rest of the article is. Being a part of the solution to problems like these are to lead by example.

    • Rachel Sea

      Bunk. Leading by example is useless. Bigots don’t shut up until it is uncomfortable for them to be out and proud about their hatred.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Tolerating intolerance = tolerance is my favorite argument, EVER.

    • CMJ

      You just called me a bigot! You’re a bigot for calling me a bigot, bigot!!!!

    • Tinyfaeri

      No, I thought she was just bigoted against bigots?

  • Snarktopus

    I’m not part of the million mom thing, but can I get some pearls anyway? Not necessarily for clutching, I just like pearls…

  • Kay_Sue

    Walrus sex is all the rage now. You guys are behind the times.

    • Tinyfaeri

      Aaaaaaand how.

    • Kay_Sue

      I try not to think of the actual physical technique of making such a thing happen…