• Wed, Dec 11 - 2:00 pm ET

Gisele Is A Magical Mom Unicorn And The Rest Of Us Suck

I’m convinced supermodel Gisele Bundchen isn’t real. I think she’s a hologram. I think she was created by a small little man with mommy issues, sitting behind a curtain in an OZ-like manner. He summons her anytime he senses a mother is feeling a little too good about herself – and she appears.

The robots that man the hologram’s Instagram account produced this yesterday:

Screen Shot 2013-12-11 at 10.56.05 AM

This is so perfect. I saw this this morning when I was breastfeeding my infant. My toddler was running around screaming like a bat out of hell, and my infant was kicking me in the face while she was feeding. Also, I forgot to put a breast pad in my nursing bra, so the side of my shirt she wasn’t feeding near was drenched in breast milk.

I slip into a semi-existential crisis when things like this happen. Why am I drenched in breast milk and getting kicked in the face by my infant, while Gisele’s infant angelically suckles from her breast while she’s getting a manicure and her hair and makeup done? Clearly I know the answer to that question; she is a gorgeous billionaire supermodel and I am a five-foot-three freelancer who works from home. My infant is kicking me in the face because she’s pissed we don’t live in a loft and my son is screaming because he wants better genes.

I went down the rabbit hole that is “Gisele’s” account. Won’t you join me?

Screen Shot 2013-12-11 at 11.09.25 AM

Her toddler does yoga in what looks to be an immaculate living room. Mine is breaking crayons into a million pieces that I’ll be vacuuming for the fourth time today, shortly.

Screen Shot 2013-12-11 at 11.10.12 AMI’m guessing scenes like this happen pretty regularly in her life. I’ve never actually seen one of those yoga gongs in person – and I’ve never made a heart with my hands. Doing it now.

Maybe Gisele is a real person. I’m not totally convinced.

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • NicknamesAreDull

    I tried to do yoga when my daughter was little and ended up with fingers in my nose.

    • AugustW

      My 3 year old daughter is a big fan of doing Zumba on the Wii with me. She’s actually pretty good at it.

  • Rachel Sea

    With a hojillion dollars anyone can have a pristine home, decorated with $450 gongs.

  • candyvines

    She looks like she’s really enjoying herself in that first photo, but that looks awful to me. I’m so anxious when people have to touch me. Four people at once?!?

    • SusannahJoy

      OMG me too! I so don’t understand how people find it relaxing to have a bunch of strangers grabbing at my hands or slathering … stuff… all over my face, which means I have to have my eyes closed and can’t even see what they’re doing! Ugh!

    • candyvines

      I guess that’s why we are not supermodels.

    • SusannahJoy

      I’m pretty sure that’s it. Cuz obviously we’re hot enough. I’m practically steaming I’m so hot! That could be because the AC isn’t on though.

  • Carinn Jade

    I thought about writing this up last night but I’m so glad I didn’t because you made me laugh so hard. I am going to have to print this out and put it on my wall: Clearly I know the answer to that question; she is a gorgeous billionaire supermodel and I am a five-foot-three freelancer who works from home. My infant is kicking me in the face because she’s pissed we don’t live in a loft and my son is screaming because he wants better genes.” Except I’m 5’3 1/2, so I will need to fudge it a bit.

  • Kay_Sue

    We all cultivate an image online, and Gisele makes a living off of hers. She can carefully curate pictures of herself and her offspring, she has a media team to manage her image, and she has the money to have an immaculate house. She’s a real person living a different lifestyle.

    I snorted soda out of my nose when I read the “she is a gorgeous billionaire supermodel and i am a five-foot-three freelancer who works from home. My infant is kicking me in the face because she is pissed we don’t live in a loft and my son is screaming because he wants better genes.” <<–Kind of a genius line.

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      I don’t begrudge her the image or her natural beauty or success. She’s a supermodel and has to create an air of ethereal awesomeness. It’s her bread and butter and she’s raking it in.
      Though, I do begrudge her being an ass about it. (See any comments she’s made about the only way to birth or feed your kid. Ugh.)

    • Zettai

      You got my feelings down pat. And I’m gonna be a bitch here and add that Gisele should definitely be seen and not heard when it comes to parenting. She is super Judgey McJudgerton.

    • Kay_Sue

      There are a lot of parents that turn into asses about parenting. It’s divisive to say the least.

      Maybe it’s just easier for me to tune it out? I don’t get all the hate for celebrity moms right now–they’re moms. Moms are people. Some people are likable, some people are not. And some new parents are completely insufferable because it takes them forever to realize they don’t actually know it all, and that parenting is more difficult than they imagined. Gisele may never get there–she’s got tons of support, I am sure, and that would make it easier to believe in yourself as super-parent–but we always have the option to just…tune it out.

  • AmazingE

    I saw that pic in a buzzfeed article last night about celebrity tweets. The picture was barfworthy enough without the accompanying tweet, which was something about being grateful for her glam squad after a 15 hour flight and only getting three hours sleep.

    • Carinn Jade

      And it had the hashtag multitasking — which aside from being annoying is just false. She’s not actually DOING anything. That baby is old enough to know how to latch and nurse without any work.

  • EX

    Meh. My toddler “does yoga” too. You might even be able to get a picture of her doing it. Doesn’t mean that in the next second she won’t be screaming bloody murder because she wants water out of the bunny cup NOT the clown cup and the bunny cup is dirty and no she doesn’t want daddy to get her water it has to be mooooooooommmmmy… And so on.

  • Amanda Rene Slinger

    She has to be fucking alien, she just has to be. Seeing someone that serene with that much going on makes me want to drop kick them in the face. I can barely handle my newborn and a load of laundry.

  • TwentiSomething Mom

    And who says money doesn’t buy happiness? I’d be at peace and super relaxed if I lived her life that I would be able to breastfeed with my eyes closed too.

  • pineapplegrasss

    Right? Totally staged. And its probably the nanny taking the pics, ready to whisk the baby away when she’s done lol. I’m just kidding, I have no ideas if she has a nanny, I’m just assuming since she has a beauty squad at her disposal. I think her lifestyle would be stressful.. she’s really closing her eyes in exasperation, in an attempt to keep the tears at bay just like the rest of us. She must be thinking ‘nursing the baby..humpf..again, humpf…while getting ready for a photoshoot. They can’t just go away for 10-20 min?’

  • brebay

    She’s going to get old just like everyone else (if she’s lucky) and the women who have the hardest time with aging are the ones who put so much of their identity into their looks. I don’t envy her. I would have when I was 25, but now she just looks like she’s trying too hard…

  • Gangle

    Just remember that those photos only show a split second.. the most flattering possible split second. Like a photoshoot where the photographer takes a million photos and then eliminates 99% of the ones that look horrible before photoshopping the 2 or three that were any good, these are the split seconds where everything was perfect. Just before the baby threw up on giselles manicure, tore out her perfect-messy yoga bun, and started screaming and throwing tanties because mummy is too busy making heart-hands instead of reading that same book for the millionth time in a row.

  • ted3553

    this is reeedonkulous! I bust out loud with snort when I saw this

  • Pingback: Gisele Rides ATV With Baby Because She's Immune To Judgment

  • doesthisassmakemelookfat

    Giselle can SUCK it! Gosh I’m such a hater.