• Mon, Dec 9 - 3:00 pm ET

Daddyish: The Vengeful Wife’s ‘You Did This to Me!’ Holiday Gift Guide

132075509Let me start by acknowledging the fact that you love your husband. I know you do. I mean, my wife loves me, and I’m kind of a dick. Your husband can’t be any less loveable than I am, so I’m sure you love him. Despite what he did to you.

Yes, I know, you love your kids too. I love my son, and he’s the light of my wife’s life. But still. You’d go back, right? You’d take a day to be child-free, so long as you knew you could go back, of course. And you’d definitely take the body you had pre-pregnancy, right? Not to say you’re not still beautiful, of course you are! But pregnancy was some bullshit, am I right? Not that I have any idea what I’m talking about.

And that’s the point. I was there for my wife throughout her pregnancy and during labor and for the six interminable weeks afterwards when we couldn’t have sex, and I’m there every day in the trenches with our son too. But I still don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant, or to be a mom. Not that I want to. Or deserve to. Don’t hurt me! I’m a good guy; I was totally joking about being a dick.

Last week, in the spirit of Christmas, we ran a lovely list of gifts you might want to give your baby daddy this holiday season. But here’s a list of things you might want to give the bastard who’s responsible for those goddamn stretch marks when you’re feeling a tad less magnanimous.

Read it and weep, Dads. READ IT AND WEEP.

Tickets to the Wiggles or Yo Gabba Gabba LIVE! Or something equally excruciating:

 

A family affair for everyone but you! This dad can’t imagine having to attend one of these ridiculous stage shows without his wife. With my hands full preventing my inexplicably ecstatic three-year-old from bouncing into the family next to us as he bumps and grinds to songs about peanut butter sandwiches and sharing, I’d barely have a minute to stare at my phone. Thanks honey!

A Bucket of Ice Chips:

 THIS IS WHAT I ATE FOR NINE STRAIGHT HOURS WHEN I WAS BIRTHING YOUR CHILD. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A SINGLE COMPLAINT.

Spa Gift Certificates:

 “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not for you. That’s so weird. How did my gift certificate for a day at the spa get in your gift pile?” BURN.

An Appearance on “Fear Factor”:

Remember all those weird cravings you had? Pickles and ice cream? Raw meat and chocolate mousse? They make you retch now, so why not return the favor by getting your husband on Fear Factor and forcing him to eat some bizarre shit. Is Fear Factor still on? No? Just shove some worms down his throat. Hopefully he’ll puke. WELCOME TO THE FIRST TRIMESTER.

Membership in the Non-Alcoholic Beer of the Month Club:

 Isn’t it time he experienced the joys of forced sobriety? Yes. Yes it is.

A Gym Membership :

 You busted your ass to get back into pre-pregnancy shape and he’s been sitting there drinking beer and watching football all fall. I don’t fucking think so. Get his ass back in gear with a gym membership that automatically deducts from his bank account. If he doesn’t go you have extra ammo to scream at his fat ass for not only letting himself go but for also destroying your budget. There are plenty of guys out there looking for a MILF, pal, and you’re not afraid to find them if he doesn’t drop the donuts.

The Moulin Rouge Soundtrack:

Just to be a bitch.

A Hernia:

Doesn’t he deserve one? Just tell him you really want to rearrange the living room before guests arrive and you’re sorry you can’t lend a hand, but you’re still tired from ALL THAT LABOR A FEW YEASR AGO. Lift with your legs, asshole!

Some Bad Acid:

 It’s time for him to experience the wild mood swings and random sweatiness that happens during pregnancy.

Is There a Way to Make Him Have to Piss All the Time:

Because that would be good.

Move Out and Take the Kid(s) With You:

Just for one day, as a practical joke. Wouldn’t it be a heck of a wake-up call? While your husband will never truly be able to experience the downs (and occasional ups) of pregnancy, he can be reminded of what your sacrifices yielded by letting him wake up one morning without it all. Nothing makes Christmas worse than the absence of your children’s joy. Because despite all the bullshit kids bring, and the not-so-fun parts of pregnancy, you wouldn’t trade it for the world. And neither would he, and this little prank should remind him of that. Unless he really is a dick.

(Image: getty images)

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  • Bethany Ramos

    The mood swings!!!! My husband is quite understanding of the evil mood swings that stretch into breastfeeding, but it would make me feel so good to see him feel my pain – or pee his pants while laughing, which happens all the time now. :(

    • pineapplegrasss

      or pee them while coughing, and at work. But Bethany, you two work at home, so your hubby could just pee his pants ..hmmm.. how about at the grocery store?

    • Bethany Ramos

      Yes, at the grocery store! At home, we are free to pee our pants any time we please. :)

    • pineapplegrasss

      it still sucks to pee them at home :(

    • Julia Sonenshein

      Living the dream!

  • Andrea

    Oh Jesus, I cannot stop laughing.

  • cesp

    If there really was something that would make him have to pee every five effin minutes I would be all over that shit. Or better yet, something that makes him pee a little when he sneezes. That bastard thinks it’s so hillarious when I do it….Who’s laughing now asshat?!

  • jane

    This just made my day.

  • Andy

    This is awesome. And I think Disney on Ice is going to be in our neck of the woods soon…>:)

    • DadandBuried

      Oof. I pity you, Andy.

    • Elmo’sFutureMIL

      My daughter’s 2nd birthday coincides with sesame street live, and we really can’t afford that third ticket, plus I’m breastfeeding our littler little. So hubby gets a daddy daughter date… And she LOVES Elmo. She will be the kid climbing the stage, normally shes well behaved, but out bring out Elmo and its on like peanut butter smears at snacktime

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    I’d send him some back aches. Not forever, just for a few months, only so that I could tell him to take a tylenol for it like he told me when I was in my second trimester and wanted a rub.

    • Véronique Houde

      OMG mine was the same. The jerk would also just respond that I should have that checked out by my osteopath. And that giving too many backrubs is bad for the back, and that your body will get USED to getting rubbed, and will crave it more, and it’s totally true because his osteopath friend in training told him so. OR I’ll ask him to rub my back, and he’ll say he’s too tired and then proceed to pet the fucking cat for half an hour. Have I said that I still have a misaligned coccyx from my last pregnancy (from when I was pushing) and two misaligned vertebrae in my back? Grrr…

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      The cat part is what did me in :D Men.

    • FaintlyXMacabre

      For me it would be the stomach shit. 6 months of hyperesis with a torn esophagus and then 3 straight months of gnarly heartburn and corpse breath

  • DeliciousIroning

    My husband HAS the Moulin Rouge soundtrack and can do a passable Ewan McGregor if I ask politely.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Your user name is the best

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      I love his voice! Why doesn’t he sing in everything? Star Wars the musical? Come on?!!

  • ABG

    Am I the only one who finds this offensive?

    • pineapplegrasss

      yes, you are the only one.

    • Juice

      No, actually, he/she is not. Well, maybe not offensive, but I sure didn’t like it. I have never felt like getting “revenge” on my husband for getting me pregnant. Maybe I was lucky, because he was nice to me during my pregnancies. Seriously, I have no desire to make my husband suffer. And yes, I KNOW this is a joke piece, which is, I guess, why I’m not offended. I’m just not laughin’.

    • pineapplegrasss

      Um then ABG is still the only one bc you just said it wasn’t offensive. And mine was/is nice to me too. Its still funny.

    • Blueathena623

      What if I just want to use a few of these to get back at him for crappy presents in the past?

    • Véronique Houde

      YOU’RE SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON LIKE OMG YOU’RE OFFENDING ME STAHP IT

    • Juice

      Now THAT’S something I could get on board with.

    • DatNanny

      I didn’t find it funny. Some of the items were disturbing. Bad acid? Pretending to leave him? That really bugs me. I like tongue-in-cheek humor, but I didn’t like this. I find it in very bad taste.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Agreed you know why? Bad acid has a super bad taste too :(

    • Tinyfaeri

      Well, shrooms didn’t exactly taste like truffles.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      God, stupid drugs and their nasty aftertaste

    • Tinyfaeri

      OJ. Lots of OJ.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Or trying too hard? The one the other day was kinda like that, too….just like…too much exaggeration. Meh.

    • ABG

      It really lost me at the complaint about labor pains from years ago and yes, the threat of leaving him. I’m not up in arms about this or anything, I just wouldn’t want to read something like this again because it’s a bit offensive to me.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      No it’s sooooo offensive. I clutched my pearls so hard they popped off my damn neck!

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      I clutched MINE so hard they’re now embedded into my neck. THANKS Daddyish!

    • Tinyfaeri

      Shouldn’t it be THANKS Daddyish AND Obama!…?

  • Tea

    The only bad thing about the Moulin Rouge soundtrack is the lack of half the good songs, and a bucket of “inspired by” ones.

  • matt30fl

    I actually went with the my wife and daughter to see The Wiggles live show right when they first started broadcasting here in the US about 10 years ago. After watching the other mothers sing all the songs word for word and bringing roses for Rosie the Dinosaur my wife decided seeing the kid show live wasn’t bad, but the other mothers really creeped her out and we blissfully skipped any future live kids shows,

    • Tinyfaeri

      Get Smoochy!

  • SusannahJoy

    I’m pretty sure that all that fake beer would make him pee a lot!

  • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

    This is hilarious! I especially loved the no beer gif. Made my night.

  • http://ultimatemamacat.tumblr.com/ Hana Graham

    I love this and I am saving it for my first Christmas after kids >:)

  • LiteBrite

    “Tickets to the Wiggles or Yo Gabba Gabba LIVE! Or something equally excruciating.”

    This past Sunday my sister and I braved the crappy roads and weather to attend a children’s play with our kids then had to schlep all the way back home on even worse roads and weather. The kids want to see “The Cat in the Hat” in January, so we decided it’s the dads’ turn to take them. :)

    • DadandBuried

      We’re actually going to see some Frosty the Snowman thing this weekend. Pray for me.