Let me start by acknowledging the fact that you love your husband. I know you do. I mean, my wife loves me, and I’m kind of a dick. Your husband can’t be any less loveable than I am, so I’m sure you love him. Despite what he did to you.
Yes, I know, you love your kids too. I love my son, and he’s the light of my wife’s life. But still. You’d go back, right? You’d take a day to be child-free, so long as you knew you could go back, of course. And you’d definitely take the body you had pre-pregnancy, right? Not to say you’re not still beautiful, of course you are! But pregnancy was some bullshit, am I right? Not that I have any idea what I’m talking about.
And that’s the point. I was there for my wife throughout her pregnancy and during labor and for the six interminable weeks afterwards when we couldn’t have sex, and I’m there every day in the trenches with our son too. But I still don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant, or to be a mom. Not that I want to. Or deserve to. Don’t hurt me! I’m a good guy; I was totally joking about being a dick.
Last week, in the spirit of Christmas, we ran a lovely list of gifts you might want to give your baby daddy this holiday season. But here’s a list of things you might want to give the bastard who’s responsible for those goddamn stretch marks when you’re feeling a tad less magnanimous.
Read it and weep, Dads. READ IT AND WEEP.
Tickets to the Wiggles or Yo Gabba Gabba LIVE! Or something equally excruciating:
A family affair for everyone but you! This dad can’t imagine having to attend one of these ridiculous stage shows without his wife. With my hands full preventing my inexplicably ecstatic three-year-old from bouncing into the family next to us as he bumps and grinds to songs about peanut butter sandwiches and sharing, I’d barely have a minute to stare at my phone. Thanks honey!
A Bucket of Ice Chips:
THIS IS WHAT I ATE FOR NINE STRAIGHT HOURS WHEN I WAS BIRTHING YOUR CHILD. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A SINGLE COMPLAINT.
Spa Gift Certificates:
“Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not for you. That’s so weird. How did my gift certificate for a day at the spa get in your gift pile?” BURN.
An Appearance on “Fear Factor”:
Remember all those weird cravings you had? Pickles and ice cream? Raw meat and chocolate mousse? They make you retch now, so why not return the favor by getting your husband on Fear Factor and forcing him to eat some bizarre shit. Is Fear Factor still on? No? Just shove some worms down his throat. Hopefully he’ll puke. WELCOME TO THE FIRST TRIMESTER.
Membership in the Non-Alcoholic Beer of the Month Club:
Isn’t it time he experienced the joys of forced sobriety? Yes. Yes it is.
A Gym Membership :
You busted your ass to get back into pre-pregnancy shape and he’s been sitting there drinking beer and watching football all fall. I don’t fucking think so. Get his ass back in gear with a gym membership that automatically deducts from his bank account. If he doesn’t go you have extra ammo to scream at his fat ass for not only letting himself go but for also destroying your budget. There are plenty of guys out there looking for a MILF, pal, and you’re not afraid to find them if he doesn’t drop the donuts.
The Moulin Rouge Soundtrack:
Just to be a bitch.
Doesn’t he deserve one? Just tell him you really want to rearrange the living room before guests arrive and you’re sorry you can’t lend a hand, but you’re still tired from ALL THAT LABOR A FEW YEASR AGO. Lift with your legs, asshole!
Some Bad Acid:
It’s time for him to experience the wild mood swings and random sweatiness that happens during pregnancy.
Is There a Way to Make Him Have to Piss All the Time:
Because that would be good.
Move Out and Take the Kid(s) With You:
Just for one day, as a practical joke. Wouldn’t it be a heck of a wake-up call? While your husband will never truly be able to experience the downs (and occasional ups) of pregnancy, he can be reminded of what your sacrifices yielded by letting him wake up one morning without it all. Nothing makes Christmas worse than the absence of your children’s joy. Because despite all the bullshit kids bring, and the not-so-fun parts of pregnancy, you wouldn’t trade it for the world. And neither would he, and this little prank should remind him of that. Unless he really is a dick.
(Image: getty images)