• Fri, Dec 6 - 3:00 pm ET

Daddyish:10 Ways to Keep the ChristMESS Under Control

157182077

One of the secret aggravations of the holidays is all the cleaning that they require. Especially if you’re hosting. Or you’re a woman. Or you are married to a woman. (I’m a slob.) Or you have kids.

When you have kids, your home is in a nonstop cycle of needs-to-be-cleaned, or was-just-cleaned-and-almost-needs-to-be-cleaned-again, or please-god-let-the-cleaning-stop, and the cycle accelerates when you add decorations, drop-ins and in-laws to the mix. You have to clean before the guests arrive, after the guests leave, before you put up the tree, after you take down the tree, after the gifts are opened, after the meal is eaten, and so on and so forth. The cleaning starts early and ends late and when you have kids it never ends.

We put the Christmas decorations up over the weekend and I’ve been running around cleaning the wreckage from the minute the first bow was tied.

Holiday preparations were hard enough before kids. My Christmas-fanatic of a wife has six huge boxes of wreaths and lights and dishtowels and ribbons and things-I-don’t-even-know-the-names-of to install all over the place, and just putting away their empty containers requires several man-hours of work. But now I have a three-year-old, and he likes to be involved, and by “likes to be involved” I mean “likes to run around undoing everything we’ve done and occasionally shattering a beloved ornament and then spilling my drink and isn’t it time for BED ALREADY?!

With a kid in the mix, you have to add time for damage-control and debris-dispersal one more run to the liquor store. We actually had to put up most of our decorations more than once because my three-year-old keep taking them down because three-year-olds are DELIGHTFUL. We’re not even halfway through December and Christmas has already become a ChristMESS. And I imagine I’m not alone.

Fear not! I’ve put together some quick suggestions for managing the mess this December. Hopefully you’ll find one or two you can put into action and make things a bit easier for yourself this holiday season. Though you might need a time machine for the last one.

1 – Don’t Decorate

(Image:getty)

(Image:getty)

You can still enjoy the season and share your love for shopping Jesus without flaunting it via brightly-colored trinkets and fabrics and poinsettias and that disgusting, decaying tree. All you need is a Santa Hat, some Christmas music and Bad Santa on repeat. Decorations are more trouble than they’re worth, especially if your toddler decides to take a bite out of the glass ornament that looks like an apple. Would you rather let your neighbors have the best Christmas lights in town or spend Christmas Eve in the ER?

2 – Don’t Wrap the Gifts

(Images: getty)

(Images: getty)

My mother used to put Hefty bags beside the tree for us kids to put our wrapping paper into as we opened our presents. NICE TRY, MOM! Most of the time that paper was bunched into makeshift basketballs that missed the garbage bag by a mile and rolled under the couch ‘til Easter or was fashioned into a crude projectile that inevitably landed in someone’s eye and/or egg nog. No thanks. I’m eliminating the middleman and simply not wrapping my kid’s gifts. Trust me, he couldn’t care less.

3 – Don’t Buy Any Gifts

(image: getty)

(image: getty)

Or even better: eliminate the mess by eliminating the source. No gifts at all! Short-term benefits: nothing to clean up except your kids’ shattered dreams. Long-term benefits: others will stop giving you gifts… and coming to your house,… and talking to you. Pretty soon you’ll have no reason to shower, let alone clean the house!

4 – Eat Out

(Image: getty)

(Image: getty)

Spend Christmas at a Chinese Restaurant, a la “A Christmas Story”. Not only can you enjoy some light-hearted racism, you can pay someone else to clean the table after your disgusting children spill their gravy everywhere. Just stay away from Rob Ford’s wife.

5 – Put the Kids’ Table in the Garage

(Image: getty)

(Image: getty)

Or even the driveway. Let nature be your maid. My son will be the only kid at our Christmas dinner, so we’ll probably have to put the TV out there with him, and maybe a heat lamp and a baby monitor, so we can hear his teeth chattering. At the very least he’ll have extra incentive to eat fast; that shit’s gonna get COLD.

What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • Bethany Ramos

    “nothing to clean up except your kids’ shattered dreams.”

    LOL! That’s my new motto. Also, we let our dogs lick off my toddler’s plate after he’s done every single day and don’t see anything wrong with it. :)

    • ted3553

      I have a 90lb lab who know that when I go to the kitchen to get a cloth for wiping my son’s hands and face, it means the high chair table part comes off and he’s right there waiting to clean it up and any scraps on the baby’s face or hands. i consider it the dog’s dessert

    • Bethany Ramos

      Yeah! We say, “All done?” And the dogs are like, OMG GIVE ME THE FOOD!!

    • TheGiantPeach

      SO GLAD I’m not the only one who does this. I have to hide it from my mom because she thinks it’s disgusting!

    • Lee

      I am positive that if I did not have a dog I would have bits of moldy, dried up food floor to ceiling.

    • Natasha B

      Yasssss. I say everyone who has kids needs a dog, for the sheer amount of food you DON’T have to clean up :)

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    Oh my god, I died. Awesome.
    And this delightfully absurd list brought to mind a Garfield cartoon I read once, where Garfield didn’t want to visit the farm and he thought, “Maybe if I die, I won’t have to go.”

  • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

    I can’t decide which is my have. I wanna make this all into my family xmas card

    • Andrea

      I was pretty much dying by the time he got to number 8 and I kept picturing him getting drunker and drunker as he wrote the article and getting more and more hilarious.

      This was pretty awesome. THIS is a great dad article.

  • Andrea

    And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you write a tongue-in-cheek funny article.
    Bravo!

  • Tinyfaeri

    I want to sit at the kid’s table in the garage.

    • DadandBuried

      Unfortunately the wi-fi in there sucks.

    • Paul White

      get a better router. I can get my network in my shed.

    • Tinyfaeri

      Repeater? Hack the neighbors? 4G? 3G? DVDs? A good book? Silence?

      Now I just sound desperate, don’t I?

  • Life-Sized Mommy

    I’m the mom whose kid tried to eat an ornament. He was one, we were at my parents’, and they had glass ornaments on their tree. A red one rolled off and, before anyone could do anything, he picked it up, said, “Apple?” and took a huge bite. An ER visit and x-ray later he was fine, and I can now look back and laugh at the confused face he made as he spat out bits of ornament.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      only kids huh? =P
      I have a 10 year old who was convinced the 10 candle on her birthday cake was actually made of cake. She ate half the thing before cocking her head to one side and asking- Is this cake too?”

  • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

    9 made me spit coffee all over my keyboard.

  • Amanda Rene Slinger

    I have got to stop reading these articles when my baby is sleeping on my chest and I have to pee. #wetrecliner #crankybaby

  • Kay_Sue

    While reading number 7, I kept getting Beavis and Butthead stuck in my head. “Have you got any matches?”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5braVaanAMQ

  • NYCNanny

    LESS CRAP.

  • Pingback: Christmas Shift | Dad and Buried