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Mommyish Gift Guide: 9 Christmas Gift Ideas For New Moms

173161307Most of you have all ready started your holiday shopping, and some of you may have a mom with a newborn baby you need to buy something for this Christmas! Most shopping guides will suggest great things for new moms like nipple salve or a cozy throw blanket or maybe even something both mom and baby can enjoy, like a baby food machine! Sure, you can always buy a new mom something like one of those birthstone necklaces or a T-shirt that reads YUMMY MUMMY on it, but here are 9 great gift ideas for moms of a newborn you may not have thought of!

A Gift Certificate To A  Hotel 

(Image:Getty)

(Image:Getty)

No, not for both of you, don’t be stupid. You stay home and take care of the baby. Let the new mom go alone. Make sure room service has French Fries on the menu and pay-per-view, but not the same crap they show on HBO like real pay-per-view movies that are still in theaters.

A Gift Certificate For A Nanny Service 

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One that just specializes in showing up every few hours so a mom can pee. ALONE. Without the bouncy chair on the bathroom floor or the baby crying in the crib. Urinating alone is a luxury with a newborn. Moms love peeing alone.

A Bigger Home 

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(Image: Getty)

I know a lot of moms with newborns and one of the most common complaints I hear is that their house or apartment is no longer big enough. Can you just stop being so lazy and go buy a new house for the mom you know? Please make it look like the Father Of The Bride House from the 1991 Steve Martin remake and make sure it has ample closet space.

 A Case Of Decent Wine

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(image:Getty)

The whole time she was pregnant all of you assholes gave her the crook-eye every time she had a sip of wine, so buying her a case now shows that you appreciate her and also you realize having a glass or two or three of wine while breastfeeding will in no way harm the baby.

 Either One Of These Things Playing At All Times In Every Screen In Your House 24/7 Do Not Ask Me How To Make This Happen I Am Not An Electrician 

 

 

A New Front Load Washer And Dryer  

(Image: Pinterest)

(Image: Pinterest)

Now wait, before you say “Oh moms do not want appliances THAT is boring” let me tell you how you need to do it. You first need to create a beautiful laundry room and get her the top of the line washer and dryer and then a nice new recliner with a foot rest. Then she also needs someone to do the laundry. She can sit in the new recliner and watch her front load washer work because that shit is relaxing.

A Wet Nurse 

(Image: Getty)

(Image: Getty)

Now before any of you get all hysterical at me and say I WOULD NEVER LET A STRANGER NURSE MY BABYYYYYYYYYYY I want you to really think about it. Breastfeeding can be so exhausting and sometimes you may wanna drink like a DOUBLE ESPRESSO FRAPPUCINO and not worry about the caffeine janking the baby up and if you could remove your boobs and place them on your partner and make them nurse on occasion you SO WOULD. So either the occasional wet nurse OR some sort of magical future robotics that give us removable boobs that we can put on our partner but don’t ask me how to do this I am not a scientist PLUS this is your job where is your Christmas spirit?

David Beckham

A lot of ladies enjoy looking at Becks and moms are no different but if the new mom you know doesn’t care for looking at him than mayhaps he would be good for other things like lifting stuff because he looks strong. Also, he could probably mop stuff.

 Anything But Not Anything For The Baby

(Image: getty)

(Image: getty)

UGH babies get everything all the cute hats with ears and cute clothes and people always forget the person who had the baby and never get her anything good or that she wants like concert tickets or sporting goods or jewelry or a new handgun. You know this new mom, get her something SHE wants that has nothing to do with the new human she gave birth to.

(Image: getty)

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  • Alicia Kiner

    Or just want her the baby for a few hours so she can shower in peace and go get a haircut, pedicure and a massage. Maybe hang out with some girlfriends. I’m not a new mom and would LOVE to get this.

    • Alicia Kiner

      Watch the baby, not want ;-)

  • Tea

    Damn, nothing 30$ an under, except maybe a good bottle of wine, or two mediocre boxes.

    Looks like she gets art, because she in-lawed an impoverished artist, and has walls.

  • Alexandra

    I’m still preggo but I’ll take David Beckham for Christmas :)
    yum :)

  • Elisianna

    Amen! People always forget about me while they buy my baby a bunch of crap I don’t want in my house like massive singing stuffed animals and toys that come with ten miniature balls.

    I would also totally give my boobs to my husband if I could to make him nurse every once in a while. Especially now with a cosleeping, teething little thing that wants nothing but to nurse. I need a few minutes alone!!

  • LadyClodia

    I have a cute hat with ears! I’ve had it for over a decade now, and it’s my go to winter hat. My boys love it now, but I’ve rocked it since way before they were born. I do tend to forget that I’m wearing a hat with ears until I get weird looks from other adults in public, but whatever. It’s warm and I like it.

    • staferny

      Me too! I even have the matching mittens that have paws on them. Ear hats are the best.

    • pixie

      I have several hats with ears, and most are in obnoxious colours. I also used to own a pair of mittens that were made to look like monsters. I think those were also the warmest pair of mittens I ever owned.

  • msenesac

    This list is perfection.

  • Gina

    Yes! Love this article… last birthday I was in tears because I was 7 months pregnant, hormonal and my own mother gave me a changing bag as my present. Not to sound ungrateful but all I wanted was for someone to do something special for me. Please do something nice for a new mother that isn’t for the baby!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      THIS is the saddest story ever :( I am so sorry, that really sucks

    • Iwill Findu

      That kind of gift is what the baby shower is for.

  • NicknamesAreDull

    My best friend made my baby disappear for an afternoon. It was the best gift, ever. At the time, I didn’t care if she fed my daughter beer and gave her cigarettes, I was so grateful to have time with just my husband.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I’m going to write the introduction to your parenting book, right?

    • NicknamesAreDull

      Of course! Who else would I ask?

  • pixie

    Ugh, the last one reminded me of a phone conversation I had with my boyfriend’s mom the other day. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Being crazy poor and not having a ton of room in my apartment, I tend to tell people to get me gift cards to grocery stores, drug stores, the local mall, restaurants, etc. Things that I could actually use to buy things i need. She kept pushing for what I wanted so I told her I only really think about needs when it comes being asked about presents. She responded with the classic “Oh, just wait until you have kids, then you’ll start telling people to only buy things for your kid and not worry about you.” Um, no, I think I’ll probably still really appreciate things that would be useful to me, or I’m even cool with someone donating to a charity in my name, though the last time I tried to tell the boyfriend’s family that, they looked at me as if I had six heads. I’ll be grateful and smile and say thank you, but I would hope people realize that my future-as-of-yet-nonexistant child and I will be separate beings.

  • JussyLee

    My MIL asks for Christmas lists from all her children and grandchildren and follows each list to a T (I completely embarrassed myself when I first joined the family and submitted a substantial, varied list intending to be polite by providing OPTIONS, not realizing she’d purchase every last item). This year, I asked for a makeup palette (basic, neutral eyeshadows). I’m expecting my first child in January. MIL called my husband to ask for hints of something else to get for me because she felt my asking for makeup was inappropriate for a soon-to-be new mother: “JussyLee may think she’ll can work a beauty regime into her new routine, but I know that’s just really naive.” :’(

    • AP

      Eyeshadow’s practical- a light brush of eyeshadow takes 10 seconds makes you look alert and polished. I’d say that’s perfect for someone who’s going to be busy and tired.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Please excuse my French here, and no offense, but fuck your mother in law. Fuck her right in the head .

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