Most of you have all ready started your holiday shopping, and some of you may have a mom with a newborn baby you need to buy something for this Christmas! Most shopping guides will suggest great things for new moms like nipple salve or a cozy throw blanket or maybe even something both mom and baby can enjoy, like a baby food machine! Sure, you can always buy a new mom something like one of those birthstone necklaces or a T-shirt that reads YUMMY MUMMY on it, but here are 9 great gift ideas for moms of a newborn you may not have thought of!
A Gift Certificate To A Â HotelÂ
No, not for both of you, don’t be stupid. You stay home and take care of the baby. Let the new mom go alone. Make sure room service has French Fries on the menu and pay-per-view, but not the same crap they show on HBO like real pay-per-view movies that are still in theaters.
A Gift Certificate For A Nanny ServiceÂ
One that just specializes in showing up every few hours so a mom can pee. ALONE. Without the bouncy chair on the bathroom floor or the baby crying in the crib. Urinating alone is a luxury with a newborn. Moms love peeing alone.
A Bigger HomeÂ
I know a lot of moms with newborns and one of the most common complaints I hear is that their house or apartment is no longer big enough. Can you just stop being so lazy and go buy a new house for the mom you know? Please make it look like the Father Of The Bride House from the 1991 Steve Martin remake and make sure it has ample closet space.
Â A Case Of Decent Wine
The whole time she was pregnant all of you assholes gave her the crook-eye every time she had a sip of wine, so buying her a case now shows that you appreciate her and also you realize having a glass or two or three of wine while breastfeeding will in no way harm the baby.
Â Either One Of These Things Playing At All Times In Every Screen In Your House 24/7 Do Not Ask Me How To Make This Happen I Am Not An ElectricianÂ
A New Front Load Washer And Dryer Â
Now wait, before you say “Oh moms do not want appliances THAT is boring” let me tell you how you need to do it. You first need to create a beautiful laundry room and get her the top of the line washer and dryer and then a nice new recliner with a foot rest. Then she also needs someone to do the laundry. She can sit in the new recliner and watch her front load washer work because that shit is relaxing.
A Wet NurseÂ
Now before any of you get all hysterical at me and say I WOULD NEVER LET A STRANGER NURSE MY BABYYYYYYYYYYY I want you to really think about it. Breastfeeding can be so exhausting and sometimes you may wanna drink like a DOUBLE ESPRESSO FRAPPUCINO and not worry about the caffeine janking the baby up and if you could remove your boobs and place them on your partner and make them nurse on occasion you SO WOULD. So either the occasional wet nurse OR some sort of magical future robotics that give us removable boobs that we can put on our partner but don’t ask me how to do this I am not a scientist PLUS this is your job where is your Christmas spirit?
A lot of ladies enjoy looking at Becks and moms are no different but if the new mom you know doesn’t care for looking at him than mayhaps he would be good for other things like lifting stuff because he looks strong. Also, he could probably mop stuff.
Â Anything But Not Anything For The Baby
UGH babies get everything all the cute hats with ears and cute clothes and people always forget the person who had the baby and never get her anything good or that she wants like concert tickets or sporting goods or jewelry or a new handgun. You know this new mom, get her something SHE wants that has nothing to do with the new human she gave birth to.