I’ve been pregnant twice so I am basically a pro at this whole “creation of life” thing. There are certain things that you should try not to think about while pregnant – namely, how you will look after the baby emerges from your body, how you measure up to other pregnant women and how every important person in your life should be reacting to your pregnancy.
I’m all for being healthy and eating healthy when you are pregnant and doing your best to gestate a lovely, healthy human being – but I think the post-baby body obsession has become totally ridiculous. We spend nine months Googling all the things we shouldn’t shove in our pregnant mouth-holes – but never think about the repercussions of obsessing/ getting depressed about some pregnancy weight gain. Not good.
Yes, be healthy – but no, do not worry about the state of your “post-baby body” while you are pregnant. You’ll have plenty of time to deal with it once you catch up on your sleep (roughly five years from now). Wink.
Since I am an “expert,” I’ve compiled a list of things you should avoid while pregnant. You’re welcome.
1. This Magazine
“Change your baby weight fate.” Am I the only one annoyed by this?
2. This Book.
These girls look fun. But when someone tells me there is a way to prevent stretch marks, I call bullshit.
3. This Woman.
“A lot of women use pregnancy as an excuse to let their bodies go, and that’s the worst thing.” Shut up.
4. This Website
If you are pregnant, bookmark this website right now so you have something to look at after you give birth and plan your first boozy party. Just don’t browse through it now. These are the most beautifully photographed margaritas and you may weep with longing.
5. This Journal
You’re not going to journal during your pregnancy – don’t set yourself up for failure by buying this reminder that you did not journal during your pregnancy. There’s plenty of time to fail with the baby books you won’t make.
6. This Book
These women just yell at you and make you feel like shit:
This is one of the most magical and miraculous times in your life. But that doesn’t mean you have a free pass to shovel crap in your mouth all day long! Now that you’re eating for two, it’s more important than ever to stuff your face with the right foods. So the Bitches are back to tell you what the hell to eat through all nine months and beyond.
7. This Book.
He won’t read this and it will just piss your hormonal self off.
8. This Movie.
This is a fantastic, informative, helpful movie. Watch it before you get pregnant – not during. It will scare the shit out of you.
9. These Message Boards
Some may disagree with this, but these birth and pregnancy boards are filled with a bunch of women obsessing over every detail of their pregnancies, which will either a) be comforting to you or b) drive you bat shit insane. I had the latter experience. They are also a little addictive. You have been warned.
10. Anything This Person Says
Don’t listen to anything Gisele says, ever – but especially not when you’re pregnant.
I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.
I wanted to be very aware and present during the birth… I didn’t want to be drugged up. So I did a lot of preparation, I did yoga and meditation, so I managed to have a very tranquil birth at home. It didn’t hurt in the slightest.
Some people here (in the US) think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?’ I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.