• Mon, Dec 2 - 4:00 pm ET

10 Things To Avoid For A Happy Pregnancy

I’ve been pregnant twice so I am basically a pro at this whole “creation of life” thing. There are certain things that you should try not to think about while pregnant – namely, how you will look after the baby emerges from your body, how you measure up to other pregnant women and how every important person in your life should be reacting to your pregnancy.

I’m all for being healthy and eating healthy when you are pregnant and doing your best to gestate a lovely, healthy human being – but I think the post-baby body obsession has become totally ridiculous. We spend nine months Googling all the things we shouldn’t shove in our pregnant mouth-holes – but never think about the repercussions of obsessing/ getting depressed about some pregnancy weight gain. Not good.

Yes, be healthy – but no, do not worry about the state of your “post-baby body” while you are pregnant. You’ll have plenty of time to deal with it once you catch up on your sleep (roughly five years from now). Wink.

Since I am an “expert,” I’ve compiled a list of things you should avoid while pregnant. You’re welcome.

1. This Magazine

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Facebook/ Jennifer L. Pozner

“Change your baby weight fate.” Am I the only one annoyed by this?

2. This Book.

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Amazon

These girls look fun. But when someone tells me there is a way to prevent stretch marks, I call bullshit.

3. This Woman.

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“A lot of women use pregnancy as an excuse to let their bodies go, and that’s the worst thing.” Shut up.

4. This Website 

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Food and Wine

If you are pregnant, bookmark this website right now so you have something to look at after you give birth and plan your first boozy party. Just don’t browse through it now. These are the most beautifully photographed margaritas and you may weep with longing.

5. This Journal

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You’re not going to journal during your pregnancy – don’t set yourself up for failure by buying this reminder that you did not journal during your pregnancy. There’s plenty of time to fail with the baby books you won’t make.

6. This Book

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Amazon

These women just yell at you and make you feel like shit:

This is one of the most magical and miraculous times in your life. But that doesn’t mean you have a free pass to shovel crap in your mouth all day long! Now that you’re eating for two, it’s more important than ever to stuff your face with the right foods. So the Bitches are back to tell you what the hell to eat through all nine months and beyond.

7. This Book.

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Amazon

He won’t read this and it will just piss your hormonal self off.

8. This Movie.

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This is a fantastic, informative, helpful movie. Watch it before you get pregnant – not during. It will scare the shit out of you.

9. These Message Boards

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Babycenter

Some may disagree with this, but these birth and pregnancy boards are filled with a bunch of women obsessing over every detail of their pregnancies, which will either a) be comforting to you or b) drive you bat shit insane. I had the latter experience. They are also a little addictive. You have been warned.

10. Anything This Person Says

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Getty Images

Don’t listen to anything Gisele says, ever – but especially not when you’re pregnant.

I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.

 I wanted to be very aware and present during the birth… I didn’t want to be drugged up. So I did a lot of preparation, I did yoga and meditation, so I managed to have a very tranquil birth at home. It didn’t hurt in the slightest.

Some people here (in the US) think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?’ I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • ChillMama

    I had not read those idiotic Gisele Bundchen quotes before, and now I have to stomp home through the snow all angry. Thanks a bunch. ;)

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      haha – sorry!

  • EX

    #7: Sooo true. It was a different “dad” book, but the outcome was the same.

  • NicknamesAreDull

    I really enjoyed the fit pregnancy things. I noticed a lot of people expected me to stop all my activity when I got pregnant, and that was annoying. So, the pregnancy fitness things helped me feel like I wasn’t a nut.

    • iamtheshoshie

      I got so much judginess for kayaking and camping and weight lifting through my second trimester!

    • NicknamesAreDull

      I kept up most of my normal activities until the beginning of the third trimester. I am a petite person, so I started to feel a bit front heavy. I wasn’t sure I could keep my balance. I loved all the pregnancy exercises, because they let me stay active, and not all of them were so modified it didn’t feel like you were doing anything. Some of the magazines I got had awesome recipes that curved my unhealthy cravings.

    • iamtheshoshie

      I ended up dropping the kayaking because I’m not so hard core that I was going to do it in the fall. I had to take a break in my power lifting because I was getting some cervical pressure at the bottom of a squat, and then I broke my ankle. So now I’m just happy to be crutching around the house and office. It’s super upsetting. I do not do inactivity well.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    Ugh to anything that tells you to watch the scale when you’re pregnant.

    My pregnancy journal is totally detailed and filled in….up to about 4 or 5 months in. Same with the baby book….it’s all done until, oh, 8 months or so?

  • JadePanda

    I have no idea how I spent so many hours on BabyCenter while pregnant each day following high school-level drama on those forums. Our Birth Board was not helpful, just hateful. I love some snark as much as anyone, but most of the regulars were beyond vicious. Couldn’t stand every last member of my Birth Board (at least the ones that posted 99% of the time), but I couldn’t *not* read their judgmental, sanctimonious bile.

    • Yay

      We can be friends. YAY

    • AP

      I had a similar experience when I ended up on The Knot looking for venue pricing advice for my wedding.

      Oh my God. They were sanctimonious, judgmental, and hostile, and their hostility was completely out-of-touch. A girl ripped into me when I said that city-dwellers who rely on mass transit to get around need to factor in transportation access and costs when selecting vendors. She was from Nebraska, and thought this was a wasteful indulgence since “driving is free.”

    • JadePanda

      *Shudder* BabyCenter must be where those chicks go when they get knocked-up.

    • Toaster

      I found the What to Expect boards to be the opposite, it was to be sunshine and rainbows for everyone and if you voiced a dissenting opinion (“maybe 35 weeks is a bit early to ask for tips to naturally induce labor!”) God help you.

    • JadePanda

      Eesh…lesson learned. If I ever have another baby, I’m avoiding the boards like the plague.

  • Anne

    Oh g*d, please not the business of being born! The collector’s box no less. .. that movie is what you get when a washed up talk show host without any medical training whatsoever starts handing out medical advice with no basis in reality.
    If you don’t get rid of the movie because of the risky ‘all health care providers except homebirth midwives are evil’ message, please toss it out for the ‘anything but vaginal and without pain relief makes you less of a mother’ indoctrination. It holds women up to this exact standard of what birth should be. You will most likely fail to live up to it (cesarean, epidural, monitoring, venue other than a kiddie pool in your living room, ….) and then it’ll make you feel like a sheeple and failed mom before you’ve even spent 24hours with the kid. Just ditch the whole cassette and your birth experience will be so much more relaxed.

    • the_ether

      I really didn’t get that message from the first one – didn’t one of the women in it even transfer from homebirth to the hospital during labour at her midwife’s urging?

  • Madame De IPA

    No one should spend every waking moment eyeing the scale as if were an insidious evil waiting to pounce. But..in defense of ‘fit’ mom books, journels, blogs, etc. You should keep active and eat like a human being who decidedly requires a few more calories. I have never met a doctor who advises anything less. Should you cry over images of women who remain a size 00/0/1/2. No. But making a conscious effort to eat healthly and work out will burn your soul to rice crisps. I went from a 1 to a 4 with kale munching, McDonalds crack infused fries, and regular work out. I wish I heeded the call of Fit Pregnancy for my sanity’s and wardrobes sake.

  • Emil

    wish I read this article when I was pregnant for my first, I made the mistake of buying fit pregnancy and read an article about how to keep your man from cheating on you when you are pregnant (as if that was my responsibility) sooo irritating

    • EX

      I don’t know about you but I was already having nightmarish pregnancy dreams (with no basis in reality) about that without reading that article. I imagine that wouldn’t have helped.

  • Kay_Sue

    “Plenty of time to fail with the baby books you won’t make.” <–This. This is me.

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    Oh God, Gisele… She’s already beautiful with an excellent body. The genetic gods have smiled on her. If those genes translate into an awesome birthing and breastfeeding experience, then I believe it.
    But lady, your perfect unicorn ass has no bearing on my reality!

  • Natasha

    I love you.
    Babycenter is theeeee worst. I only search for Betsy Shaw’s articles and that’s it. Sanctimommy heaven over there

  • Momma425

    I had my baby 5 years ago (shit, I’m hella old now!) and I STILL get freaked out by birth movies. I walked out of Superman in the first minute!

    I had a c-section, so I didn’t have any pain DURING birth, so I can’t speak as to what labor feels like, but if it is anything as awful as it sounded in the hallway all around me on the maternity ward…forget that! I’m disturbed by watching an actor pretend- I can only imagine what is on the scary “don’t watch while pregnant” (aka this movie will molest your eyes) video.

  • JulySheWillFly

    My husband loved “Be Prepared!”

  • Snipe

    Oh God, the Skinny Bitch authors are terrible. I found their first book at a library book sale for ten cents and perused it because I was researching diet and nutrition. I decided I would rather keep my dime.

  • Reba

    How about apps? I have that one app where you put in your weight to track it, which is whatever… but I have gained 6 lbs so far and I’m 7 weeks pregnant and it says “POUNDS GAINED : 6 = EXCESSIVE” well fuck you app, fuck you.