Anonymous Kid: Being Part Of A Polyamorous Family Around The Holidays Is The Worst

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Are you stressing out about getting your family together for the holidays – with all the flying, driving and mixing of families? Well, imagine how much harder it is when your parents are in multiple relationships at the same time. That’s the reality I’ve been dealing with for 17 years.

Holidays should be times of festivities, traditions, relaxing, laughter, joy, reminiscing about the year that flew before our eyes, good food, and celebrating with family. However, being part of a polyamorous family during the holidays has been none of those things. It was stressful and uncomfortable because each of my parents have had other relationships outside of the triad inside their home. I am introverted, shy, and don’t take to new people easily. But year after year, my parents put me around people I had never met before.

Holidays were generally divided amongst mom’s partners and their families, dad’s partners and their families, and their girlfriend’s family, her partners, and their families. Sometimes relationships extended more outwardly, and we spent time with their metamour’s families, too. (By the way, a metamour is a word created to help people get their minds around the confusing relationships involved in polyamory. You can read more about it here.)

One would think by now, where the holidays will be spent would be squared away. In more traditional households, that’s true. Spending it with either set of in-laws, friends, or hosting it at home. It’s not that easy in my parents’ home. No two years have ever been the same.

I’ve tried to be understanding about my parents caring about their relationships with their partners’ families, but they don’t get that Partner A going to his/her grandma’s house every year is not a tradition hat has any emotional linkage to me. I don’t know “Grandma” Adele, and I don’t need to see her every year. They consider their partners’ respective families their in-laws. I don’t consider them my grandparents, cousins, uncles, nieces, nephews, or anything like that. I have real family in the world who want to see me, and every year I ended up around people who only felt compelled to be around me because their kid was dating my parents.

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    • Nana

      Oh my Goodness, why would anyone do that to their child??? Thats cruel and extremely selfish

    • pixie

      I cannot even begin to imagine just how awful it must be to have been continuously dragged around to different houses where you feel like you don’t belong or unwelcome but having your parents insist that these people, who entered and then left your life very quickly were a part of your family. I’m all for having an open and welcoming family, but perhaps not like this. I’ve always believed that while you may be biologically related to certain people, who you consider part of your “family” is more personal and does not necessarily have to conform with society’s concept of family (I consider some of my friends to be family, and people I have grown up with, but there are people I am related to by either blood or marriage that I don’t consider family for various reasons).

      I’m glad you’re out of your parents’ house now and you’re not spending the holidays being dragged around by them. If you were going to spend the holidays with them, I would have suggested you shouldn’t. It’s not worth the emotional turmoil those situations obviously put you in. I get that traditionally holidays are a time to spend with family, but don’t dwell on the Hallmark card version, continue with what you’re doing, making your own traditions, and spending time with people you love and care about and who you genuinely want to be around and create great memories with them. I hope this year’s holiday season is better than the other experiences you’ve had.

    • thisshortenough

      I think you’re really brave for being so honest about all this without being overwhelmed. I always felt a little out of place living with my grandparents but it’s nothing compared to what you’ve gone through. Before I’d even finished reading I was thinking that you should see about going to spend time with other family or with friends. At least when you get to college or whatever your future plans are you can distance yourself from your parents and this situation as much as you want to. Have you sat your parents down and talked to them about how you feel? If you have then it’s unbelievably selfish for them to keep on with this pattern.

    • Ashlea Phenicie

      Yet another reason that poly relationships suck for children and in general.

      • filthy_assistant

        This poly relationship sucks for this child. Please don’t condemn an entire community based on one example.

      • Mikah

        To be fair, she probably isn’t just basing it off of this one example; there have been two other people who wrote about their personal (not their parents) poly lifestyles and they too have come across as immature, narcissistic, and selfish. The only one who seems to be a well adjusted, likeable person is this young woman who’s stuck with a couple of pathetic and self-absorbed douche-nozzles for parents. I hate to say it, but the poly individuals who have written columns or had columns written about them for this site have not done your community any favors.

      • filthy_assistant

        I read blog posts all the time by monogamous people with relationship dynamics that make me shudder. I don’t assume that all mono relationships are like that though. Many poly people feel that being polyamorous is a part of our sexuality, like being GBLTIQ. If the original comment was “yet another reason that gay relationships suck for children” I doubt you would be defending it, no matter how many post you had read about or by self-absorbed douche-nozzle gay parents.

      • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

        A similar comparison: My grandmother once told me why she opposed interracial dating. She told me this story about an interracial couple who got married, had a kid, but got divorced and ended up re-marrying partners of their own races, and the new partners wouldn’t accept the bi-racial kid and none of the families would take him in, and he ended up in the foster system, etc. etc. etc.

        To her, the problem with this scenario was that the parents were of different races. To me, the problem was that the parents were awful people who put their new partners’ prejudices before their own child (If the story was even true to told to me accurately. This was a “friend of a friend of a friend” kind of story).

        I do not in any way minimize what Anonymous Kid is going through here, but see this as less of a problem with polyamory, and more of a problem with parents who refuse to acknowledge their child’s needs or comfort on anything. I get the impression that if the parents weren’t poly, they would be just as insensitive. It would just manifest differently.

      • J

        It wouldn’t be any different. Some issues are within the three characters I used to live with but quite a few are poly specific.

      • whiteroses

        This. I’ve never met a person- man or woman- who I’d be willing to neglect my child for. These people are narcissistic dillholes. They would be even if they were monogamous.

      • Andrea

        I thought the two anon kid articles about being a child of poly parents were written by the same young lady?

      • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

        I understand why people took such issue with the first person, writing under “anonymous mom” who talked about polyamory here, but I really don’t see why people are bothered so much by the current Poly Mom is. It seems like people just label her as narcissistic and selfish just for being poly and writing about it.

      • filthy_assistant

        Both the poly parents who have posted make me cringe. But I understand that “weekly meetings to schedule childcare drop off/pick up” and “sometimes my wife gets snippy at my boyfriend for leaving the toilet seat up” wouldn’t make for very interesting reading.

      • Andrea

        I don’t know..that seems more realistic. And funny.

      • filthy_assistant

        My definition of “good poly” is relationships that are just as mundane as monogamous ones – you just have more of them. And make intensive use of google calendar.

      • J

        Living by a calendar kills spontaneous moments. JMO. I’m sure others would argue otherwise.

      • Andrea

        I had very high hopes for her articles. But they left me cold. She is a bit of narcissist.

      • Muggle

        My only problem with Poly Mom is that her kids are really young and have no idea what’s going on, so her articles are either about how the kids are in the dark, or about her poly lifestyle. I think that’s why everyone thinks she’s a narcissist, because she writes more about being a poly wife than being a poly mom.

        I think if her kids were older and more in the know I think she’d come off as less self-absorbed.

      • Kelly

        But it is a problem of the polyamorous community. This is the problem. This insistence to proclaim to the world, “This is my BOYFRIEND!” or “This is my GIRLFRIEND!” So many polyamorous people come off as pathetic teenagers because of that crap.

        Newsflash! Nobody gives a shit if the guy you went out to lunch with is your friend or your super special boyfriend. You can invite your boyfriend or girlfriend to family events, funerals and whatever the hell else you want and just call them your friend. No one needs or wants to know that you’re screwing them.

        This is why I’m a swinger and I shudder when people identify as polyamorous. It usually just means that they’re swingers with no class or tact. If you’re behaving in such a way in public or someone else’s home that it forces you to explain you have both a spouse and a lover, you’re either a 15 year old in desperate need of some parental guidance or you’re trash.

      • J

        I agree but according to some referring to a boyfriend or girlfriend as anything but a title that equates to partner is degrading and offensive. Their role shouldn’t have to be downplayed. Obvi, if someone’s coming home for the holidays, they’re not some random Joe Blow. If people ask, friend just isn’t acceptable. They ferl inclined to add that loaded connotation i.e. girlfriend/boyfriend. I’d det have preferred for them to introduce their partners as friends. That’s what they should’ve done at my school. No one needs to know who you are sexing up and down.

      • Molly

        Not really, it depends entirely on the family. This girl’s parents have decided to make her life into a statement challenging society’s view of what a relationship should be and they didn’t even bother asking her first and they don’t care that she doesn’t like it. My family didn’t do that and over all my experience was pretty bland, but very emotionally stable and healthy. I always knew about my parent’s idea of a what their relationships were, and as soon as I was old enough I was the one to decide whether or not I wanted these people in my life.

        My parents have always put our family first, because in their eyes that’s where stability is, and as parents their responsibility is to my brother and I providing a healthy environment for us. A couple of times I have decided to meet my father’s boyfriends or girls friends, and so far they’ve all been pretty cool, except for one, and when I told my father I really didn’t like her he broke it off. They don’t expect me to view them as anything special like a step-mother or father, and I don’t expect them to view me as a their child. I’ve even formed long term relationships with some of them that are still going on today, and I do see those as aunts and uncles.

        Don’t get me wrong, there were some mistakes and slip ups along the way, but that happens even in monogamous house holds. Over all I had a very happy childhood with parents who managed to make it work.

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      Jesus… Okay, your parents are very selfish and they’re putting their wants and lifestyle ahead of you. Flat out.
      Before meeting their sexual needs and emotional needs with others, they have an obligation to create a stable and secure life for you and they just haven’t done that. Spending the holidays with families you barely know is crummy. It’s awkward and unless you really have no other options, it’s uncomfortable and depressing.
      I have no idea why your mom would bar your father from bringing you with him to see his actual (And your actual) family. I don’t get that, I really don’t.
      Good luck with making new traditions for yourself. As messed up as your upbringing has been, I can tell you have a sturdy head on your shoulders. You strike me as resilient. I think you’ll be able to forge your own life away from this nonsense.

      • J

        Mom is a bitch when she’s around his family. Like they hate her. She thinks she’s better than them. She’ll walk in the house and not speak. She’ll stay in her own world and not talk to anyone. She’s done it so many times that she’s burned all bridges to the point of not being welcome. They don’t want her around b/c she acts like she doesn’t want to be there. She’ll text or stay in a room by herself. She’ll refuse to hold people’s hands when saying grace before a meal. Rude behavior that’s uncalled for. Family friends and strangers pick up on it the first time they meet her. She kept us away to spite them. Dad keeps her in line b/c she can mope and pout all she wants but he so leave until he gets ready.

        Thank you. I’m doing my own thing, and it’s much better than any years before. :-)

    • whiteroses

      I sincerely hope that you’re able to have a wonderful holiday season, despite all the BS you’re constantly exposed to. I don’t often advocate this, but I would say that as soon as you graduate, you should leave and never look back.

      Your parents aren’t being kind and this isn’t right- but you know that, and all the comments in the world won’t make it right and won’t make them be kind. Just know that you will eventually reach a point where you can make your own family and your own traditions. And know, too, that your parents don’t have to be part of that unless you say they can be. Nobody would fault you for that.

      • J

        I couldn’t wait until graduation. I couldn’t take another day of living in their home. I moved out a couple of weeks back. Mom hasn’t said anything to me. She knows I have dirt that would bring her to her knees, so she’s not fighting me when it comes to me legally taking control.

        Mom has no place in my future. I don’t want to spend a single holiday with her ever again.

      • Kelly

        Good for you! I’m so happy that you’re out of there.

      • Marie

        I’m sorry to hear this, what a difficult decision for you to make. I wish you best of luck building your own family. Do you have any interest reconnecting with your mom’s family?

      • J

        I had dinner with the ones who are here. I’m building relationships with them little by little.

        I’m happy w/my decision. Something had to give b/c living w/them wasn’t the answer. I don’t miss the chaos. I’m less stressed out. Its been peaceful. I’m sorry that I waited as long as I did.

    • Amanda Lee

      Your parents suck. I wish this was considered child abuse/neglect. I would have a hard time controlling my urge to punch them in the face if I ever met them. I wish I could adopt you.., well my parents so you could be my sib. Kudos for you for rising above your parents’ shit show that they call life.

      • AugustW

        It’s definitely emotional neglect, but that is very often ignored by the system.

      • J

        I’d slap mom and their girlfriend, but they’re not worth catching a charge. I’m not going to ruin my future. I’ve cut them out and won’t look back. A weight has been lifted. :-)

    • scooby23

      *hugs* Like everyone else said, your parents are being incredibly selfish. It seems that they have forgotten that they have a living, breathing child with thoughts, feelings, and needs. Honestly, my advice is to try to talk to your parents, but then again, they seem like the kind of people who are too caught up in their own lives to care what others have to say. I wish I could invite you over to my place so you could have a traditional holiday like you want. There would be stockings, feasting, shopping, and opening presents on Christmas day. I wish. But, as you are stuck with your parents, keep doing what you are doing. Make the best of it, visit real relatives who care about your happiness and aren’t to caught up in there’s, visit friends too. I wish you the best!

    • Maddi Holmes

      I wish you had written something about how your sibling feels also. I’d like to know if they also hate the ridiculous holiday extravaganza.

      • J

        I’m finding that she’s struggling. Like more so with her mom being elsewhere for Thanksgiving and not being with her. I’d be a fool not to say anything so I’m going to call her mom out. If it leads to another argument, so be it. No man or woman is more important than your kid. She could be here with her. She could’ve spent the weekend with her third partner.

    • EX

      OK, I couldn’t even finish reading this. I was so exhausted by the end of the first page. I feel for your situation. I barely have enough energy for my partner, our family, his family and my family. I have no idea how your parents do this, and I’m sorry that you have to put up with it.

      • J

        It’s beyond exhausting. They do it at the expense of family time, traditions, and stability. All for the sake of l-o-v-e.

    • http://anniedeezy.tumblr.com/ Annie

      Jesus Christ.

      That really sucks, but I’m so happy that you’re at a place financially and age-wise where you can decide to do your own thing from herein out.

      One Thanksgiving when I was a kid, my family dumped me and my grandma off at a sister-in-law’s parents’ house. We didn’t know anyone there at all, the sil wasn’t even there, and they left us there all day without any idea why. It was so weird and no one was comfortable with us being there.

      That never left me, and to this day I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. I tell people that it’s because of my heritage but the truth is that it takes me back to hiding behind a couch while strangers watched football.

      That was traumatic enough and it happened one time, during one holiday. I can’t imagine every holiday every year being such a clusterfuck.

      Enjoy your holiday vacation, you’ve definitely earned it. Also, try to watch Home Alone. That’s my Christmas (and sick day) tradition. <3

      http://25.media.tumblr.com/3019062b11c3d79413a6090d1264296f/tumblr_mwfo49dBwZ1rby7sqo1_500.gif

      • J

        That’s exactly how it was. I’m sorry that happened to you. One bad experience can do you in for life. Parents don’t get that.

      • http://anniedeezy.tumblr.com/ Annie

        Selfish people in general don’t get that. The irony of selfish people fucking up a lifestyle that is generally frowned upon is when they tell naysayers with genuine concerns that they’re being closed-minded idiots. Just like the way they’re being closed-minded to those whom they’re hurting. Urgh.

    • Zettai

      I’m always cheering for you.

    • March

      You are one of the people for whom things can only get better as they get older. The older you get, the more opportunity you’ll have to make your own life, independent of your parents. Does that idea help?

      Your parents could have prioritised your emotional needs and wants more, and I think you’re entitled to some resentment on that score. However, it’s always best to try and keep the resentment under control in favour of grabbing the freedom that they have effectively given you by simply not giving much of a shit about what YOU want and need. Return that favour! As I said, this will get easier every year. I hope you have the most enjoyable of holidays.

      • J

        Things are better because I’m doing things my way. I don’t need their money. I don’t need their help. Period. I’m standing on my own two feet, and I’m creating stability. I’ll let karma deal with mom. I’m not going to stress myself into an early grave. I’m already returning the fave by showing her what I can do w/o her.

        Thank you. I wish you happy holidays, too! :-)

    • cady

      These parents’ priorities are odd. I can understand wanting to split holiday time between the mom’s family, the dad’s family and the long-term girlfriend’s family, but I absolutely cannot understand why these people want to spend time with the families of people who are clearly less serious partners. Holidays are a time for family, which includes the unit you’ve created in your household. The casual, noncommitted relationships you’re having outside your household simply don’t count.

      • J

        They think they’re all sooo serious and permanent. I laugh at the naivety. Yeah, someone is going to be happy seeing you once a week forever. The relationships are “committed” by their standards.

    • Alicia Kiner

      Good for you. I hope that you have or can develop a relationship with your sister. I know you call her the sib or half sister. I have 2 half sisters myself, and I know the family dynamics can be hard, BUT… She’s going to grow up in the same household you are, and more than likely have the same issues. She will probably end up needing someone to talk to, and really, who better to understand than you? And it’s no more her doing than yours.

      I’m happy for you that you are starting a life of your own outside this mess your parents have created for you. Hopefully you can find some peace and happiness!!

      • J

        She’s having issues w/certain aspects. I’ve spent time with her the past few days. We’ve been sharing a hotel suite, and I’m spending half of Saturday w/her. I’m sure she’s not a-ok with both of her moms being absent for Thanksgiving. I’ll find out.

        I don’t want her to experience WTF I’ve dealt with. She deserves more.

      • Alicia Kiner

        You both do.

      • Véronique Houde

        From what I’ve read of what you’ve been through and how you’ve grown, you can be a great rock for your half-sibling if she needs it. No one is better suited to understand what she might go through in the future as she grows up more and starts feeling more and more complex emotions. I know that she has a better relationship with her mom than you do with any of the “mother” figures, which causes a bit of friction. I’m glad you’re reaching out to see how she’s feeling about it.

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    • PrairieCoast

      That’s really strange that your parents feel so compelled to spend time with the families of their partners over holidays. It sounds like these are not long-term relationships. In my family, no one brings their partner to extended family events unless they are in a long-term relationship with them (like engaged to be married or living together). Sorry for your situation, it sounds like it really sucks. Glad that you seem to be making your own traditions, which I’m sure will result in a much happier holiday!

      • J

        They’re long-ish. The average relationship lasts a year or two. Some end within 3-6 months. Teens call it the cuffing season. November 1-February 15. Mom always thinks she’s in love. It’s sad to watch.

    • Carnelian

      I imagine part of the general awfulness of these gatherings isn’t just that the author herself is discomforted by the situation, but that everybody else (except for possibly her parents and their GFs/BFs) are too. I’d be willing to bet that most of the people in these extended families aren’t completely okay with the whole poly thing, and having your child roll in with their stable of assorted lovers and their children, strangers all, would make the gathering an excruciating affair for everyone. If my adult child were to insist on doing this each year (with a rotating cast of characters) I would feel that they were hijacking the holiday to put on a big attention-grabbing show aimed at either at highlighting how “edgy” and unique they are, or making some kind of dramatic social critique. Either way, between the extreme weirdness of having to watch Sis playing footsie under the table with her boyfriend, while her husband, their girlfriend, and her other boyfriend all switch off giving each other back-rubs (and I’m guessing they would be, do you really think anyone *that* intent on making a big public performance of their unconventional love-life would forgo PDA in the interest of not freaking everyone out? I doubt it.), and the fact that everyone is now stuck spending the weekend making small talk about the weather with a house full of people they know they’ll never see again, no one else is having a good time.

      I know some people would say the same thing about a family member bringing a same-sex partner home for the holidays (i.e. “why do they have to ruin everyone’s holiday by shoving their lifestyle down our throats?”) , but i don’t think it’s equivalent. Over time, people can actually get to *know* their cousin David’s partner Steve and form attachments to him that help them get past their initial discomfort. For many people, developing that personal relationship might be enough. For some it won’t be, of course, and unfortunately in those cases holidays can still be uncomfortable–as they are in cases were everyone really hates Katy’s boorish husband Adam or Bubbe just can’t get over the fact that Mike married a non-Jew. But those are cases where friction can be chalked up to personal intolerance or personality conflicts, not the understandable social anxiety brought about by a crush of strangers and their disregard for the feelings of everyone else.

      • AP

        I think it’s rude, in general, to invite non-permanent significant others to holidays, unless they have nowhere else to go. It ends up creating stress at the time, and resentment when things end badly- neither of which is needed at a holiday.

      • Carnelian

        AP–I’m totally with you on this one. In my family, we don’t bring significant others to holidays until the relationship has progressed to engagement (or something equivalent). My grandmother’s house is too small to hold very many people and we see each other seldom enough (since we’re all scattered all over the country now) that we just want to relax and catch up with each other. Honestly, even bringing my husband home with me is a bit stressful since I know he gets a bit bored listening to us endlessly reliving the “old days” and laughing at the same inside jokes (same thing for me when I go home with him.) Hopefully that will change with time (we just married this year), but that’s why spending holidays with people you’ll never see again sucks–time is what you don’t have.

      • J

        In a poly relationship, it won’t go past a certain point. Like they can’t be married to more than one person. The relationship escalator just stops. At best, they’ll be a long term partner but that’s it. Sadly for most people a year is a long time. Long term to me is like much more time. My mom considers anything over 6 months long term. So if she meets someone in February, Christmas with them and their family was a given.

      • J

        Lots of times the families have been uncomfortable and uneasy with the polyamory situation. It was uncomfortable for everyone. I’ve seen the looks of confusion. They didn’t understand it or thought it was wrong. They tried to hide it but they couldn’t. Even with minimal PDA, it was still weird to some people. It was like, “She’s your wife but she’s dating my son, and you two have a girlfriend in common?That guy over there is your girlfriend’s boyfriend? And the woman woman sitting in front of Cousin Jessie is your wife and girlfriend’s girlfriend, but she also has a husband who was working.” How uncomfortable would this be to others?

      • Carnelian

        J–Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. Honestly, polyamory has always made me a bit uncomfortable too, and in a way no other sexual orientation or lifestyle really does. I admit that might just be me being close-minded, or it might be because every self-identified poly person I’ve *personally* met has been kind of a big, loud, attention-seeking hot mess (but those are only the ones I’ve met, so not exactly a representative sample.) Still, your parents sound like they’re in it for the drama as much as for anything else.

      • J

        I think sometimes that they don’t seek attention but they garner a ton of it b/c it’s just not something one sees every day. Obviously Father Bob, the religious uncle, isn’t going to know how to react to his his nephew’s wife playing footsie with her four lovers and kissing anyone but the nephew. It’s just not something most people are equipped to deal with. It’s confusing to me, and I’ve been around it since I was a toddler. It makes people uncomfortable. Mom blames the world for being ignorant and close-minded when they pose questions or disapprove. If someone’s paying the mortgage or rent, they have the right to ask you to behave, keep certain conduct out of their home, leave, or not come back if they can’t respect their wishes. Poly hasn’t been embraced warmly at some of these gatherings. The uncomfortable factor usually skyrocketed or arguments happened.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Maybe the one bright spot I can see in all this for you is that your are so close to being old enough to be out of the house. When you’re in college (I hope you go just to get away), don’t go home for holidays, go with roomates/friends…. Not long after, you will get to be the kind of person who makes their own holidays (which is kind of awesome). If you have a family, you will get to be the kind of family who gets to stay home, if you want….(also awesome and I’m totally jealous of those people). Maybe your partner someday will have some family traditions, and you will enjoy them. Basically, what I’m awkwardly trying to say is that you will get to create your own traditions, and soon. And you already know what you don’t want to do. Make them awesome!

    • Kay_Sue

      We are a blended family. At holidays, making sure that my stepdaughters have a stable and secure environment and some continuity is priority número uno. Out of all of us, the children (including our sons) are the only ones that have had no say in the matter. They are governed entirely by the decisions made by my husband, myself, his ex-wife, and her fiancé. I can’t imagine not putting that first.

      It means altering our schedules (we alternate holidays, but as long as we are willing to travel to his hometown on our “off” times, she works it out so that we split them fairly evenly), and both households pooling some traditions so that they always have things they relate to every year no matter where they are (the one that comes to mind are Christmas Eve pjs–that was my tradition growing up, and their mother is great about keeping it up when we don’t have them for Christmas).

      In light of these experiences, this whole thing boggles my mind. The level of selfishness in yanking your kids around like this is…insane. I am really sorry that you don’t get a chance to build traditions and holiday memories that are something some take for granted–it should be a part of your childhood, Anonymous Kid, and your parents are wrong for not thinking of you and putting themselves first like this,

    • J

      I finally had a real Thanksgiving with my real family. Most of them had not seen me in person in years. They were shocked when I walked in. I got to take part in Thursday shopping and Black Friday. I loved hanging out withbmu cousins and being welcomed. The biggest surprise came Thursday afternoon when my dad and half-sib arrived. Despite me moving out and proceeding with the emancipation, we’re working on our relationship. We had a dinner date and talked like fathers and daughters are supposed to. My mother is still overseas. Their girlfriend spent Thanksgiving in NY. The sad moment happened when some of our family met my half-sib for the first time. I blame my mother and her bourgeois/too good to hang with the peasants attitude. I’m glad she wasn’t there. She makes dad’s family uncomfortable. As My Nanna said, “Barbie moved to 90210 and forgot that at one point, she was middle class. She’s forgotten where she came from and wants no reminders.” There was a heated debate about mom and her attitude. My aunty said she wasn’t welcome in her home again. It was a fun day. :-)

    • SarahJesness

      Your parents sound pretty selfish, yo. I take it they’re the types of people who think that as long as your needs are taken care of, and bonus points if you get luxuries, you’ll be happy and well-adjusted all the times, yes? Anyway, glad you’ve taken to trying to make your own holiday tradition. I’d probably do the same thing in your shoes.

      • J

        That’s how mom thinks. Buy me the world, and let nannies raise me but take all the credit for me being a well-adjusted young adult. I’m not following the voice she thinks she gave to me.

        I’m enjoying my traditions b/c I’m spending them with people who want to be around me. Little things like shopping at Kohl’s and Macy’s made me happy. Laughing and taking selfies with my cousins was fun. It was a normal day, and I needed that. I’m flying back home tomorrow, but I’ve made a lifetime of memories since Wednesday.

    • Teleute

      Good for you! I’m glad you’ve managed to get out of there, and that you’re working to create your own holiday traditions. We’re all rooting for you!! :-)

    • Ennis Demeter

      So whomever they happen to be having sex with is elevated to family status and you and everyone else just has to play along? I think you should reach out to your mother’s family as well as maintain a relationship with your father’s family. There are people out there who have belonged to you all along and they might love to get to know you.

      • J

        I’m close to dad’s family. I keep in contact with them via text and Facebook. They’re cool peeps.

        I don’t know any of mom’s family. I knew of them but yesterday when they were like, “My name is x, and I’m your uncle,” it was like, “Nice to finally meet you.” I’m getting to know them. I met my aunt, uncles, their wives/girlfriends, and children yesterday.

        My grandfather’s widow hugged me and didn’t want to let go. The last time she saw me was at his funeral. Grampy had 8 kids – including my mom. Two have passed away. I still have 4 uncles and an aunt, and they’ve been dying to meet me. Those are my mom’s half siblings and my blood. They took so many pictures and we exchanged numbers and added each other on Facebook. I’m feeling complete b/c I’m learning about my roots and where I came from. I’ve lost so much time b/c of her feelings. Here I was thinking they didn’t want anything to do with me when it’s all they’ve ever wanted. I have a really awesome family, and I’m excited about getting to know them.

      • Véronique Houde

        I hope that you’ll share that story with us!!! I cant wait to read about it all! I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we all care deeply about you and want you to keep in touch. Good for you for making your own way in life.

    • That_Darn_Kat

      Your parents sound incredibly selfish, and I’m sorry. I’m glad you’re not living at home anymore. From some of your previous conversations, it sounds like this is a very good thing. I hope you can make your own traditions for the holidays, and I’m sending you long distance hugs.

      • J

        Living outside of their home has worked in my favor. I’m at peace.

        I’m enjoying making my own traditions. Normalcy is what I’ve been needing.

    • Deidre E

      It’s really too bad that your family experience was so disjointed. I know a polyamorous family with lots of blending, multiple children, and different family dynamics that had wonderful holidays growing up, with lots of traditions and a sense of grounding. They still had their share of new and different people, but generally speaking, family traditions and blending was very important to them.
      I’m sorry you had such a terrible experience.

      • J

        I come from an effed up family. I don’t doubt that there are families who do it right. I’m not going to bash anyone b/c I can only speak on my experiences. My experiences sucked, and there’s no need to apologize. :-)

    • Polyamorous Mom

      man this stinks, i am really sorry :( My spouse and I wont be spending any holiday time with other partners. Im sure I’ll see Jim at some point for christmas, just he and I most likely. Our kids will have just me and Jim. (and our parents of course). I hope you find some peace this holiday.

      • http://thegreateststorynevertold.tv/ BadGoyim

        the fact that you are getting divorced is a clear sign poly lifestyle is a failure.

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