• Mon, Nov 25 - 11:00 am ET

Passive Aggressive Gift Ideas For Every Brat On Your Naughty List

82500524November is upon us, and with it comes turkeys, menorahs, and midnight battles-to-the-death for cheap TVs at Wal-Mart. Yes, holiday shopping is here- so pull out your wallet and hand over that credit card to spread joy and frustration-free packing to your loved ones! However, if you are like me, there may be a line in your budget for a few “rage shopping” items for people who have done you wrong in the last year. For my extended family, passive aggressive gift giving is a skill you hone the whole year through. So while drum kits and Moon Sand will do in a pinch, here are some other suggestions for those you are wishing a “Happy Freakin Holiday” to.

Maybe last Christmas each of your many children received plastic recorders from a well-meaning (or secretly passive-aggressive themselves) aunt or uncle. This year, you see their devil flute and raise them Gak. Yes, 1996’s answer to the farting slime question that no one asked is back- and just as disgusting as ever. Basically, it is slime that makes horrible noises, and rumor has it that somewhere out there you can still find scented varieties. Bacon scented slime for my nephew? Yes, please!

(Image: amazon)

(Image: amazon)

However, if you take the time to read the reviews for Gak and just can’t pull the trigger on a gift described as “HORRIBLE” and “AWFUL,” there’s always the Annoying Orange Plush. This gift, conveniently with “annoying” in the title, is modeled after the YouTube series of the same name. This toy has creepy human features plastered on a fruit, says 8-12 annoying phrases and puns, and costs less than $5. Sold!

(Image: Toys 'R Us)

(Image: Toys ‘R Us)

Inevitably, your child will participate in some version of “Secret Snowflake.” Without fail, they will pick the name of the child whose mother may have commented to you, “I wish I could be as relaxed about nitrates and GMOs as you are. It would make lunch packing so much easier in the morning!” For that child, I would suggest a Make Your Own Perfume Kit. Some reviews say that the scents turn out fantastically. Other’s call it a “stink factory.” My nitrates and I are willing to roll those dice.

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A more gender neutral option would be National Geographic’s “300 Hilarious Jokes, Tricky Tongue Twisters, and Ridiculous Riddles.” This book is rated 4.5 stars out of 5. You know why? It’s because 9 out of 10 reviewers are grandparents who went home at the end of the day. Now, the only ones left to test those jokes out on are Mom and Dad. Over, and over again.

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As STFUParents has taught us, Facebook can bring out the worst in parents. You may have a friend who has posted a well thought out and thoroughly obnoxious “wish list” for Neveah and Jaxxon. Is the list over 20 items? Is every item over $40? Do they each have some sort of educational component (the kids are gifted, after all!)? I want you to run out and buy these kids a portable karaoke machine. Throw in a Kidz Bop CD for good measure. The kids will thank you; their mom will not.

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Lest you think passive aggressive gift giving is limited to those with small children, fear not! An aunt keeps sending you e-mail forwards about “defeating the gays in the culture war?” Donate in her name to the It Gets Better campaign. Your neighbor will not drop the “Obama is a secret Muslim!” rhetoric?- Hillary 2016 bumper sticker it is (plus, it’s free!) Your estranged relative sent your older children Melissa and Doug’s “Band in a Box” right after you had a baby? Send her fur babies Squawkies Talkies Flamingo – the dog toy that promises to be, “the longest continuous squeaking dog toy ever made!”

Finally, do you have a friend or relative who brags about passive aggressive gift giving? Did she draft a list that you secretly suspect includes you? Well, send her Emily Post’s Etiquette. Obviously, she could use a few helpful hints.

(Photo: Getty Images)

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  • ninjalulu

    Didnt somebody mention a $25 gift card to Build-A-Bear as a suggestion some time ago? i could swear they did…only because I recently saw a commercial advertising the gift cards, and my hubby suggested we get one each for 4 nieces. I looked at him, said “Are you F-Ing Cra-CRA?! What on earth would they be able to buy?!” He didnt believe me, until I showed him the website, that you cannot actually buy anything. Then he said, and I quote, “Our daughter had better not ever step foot in that store. I can’t say no to you, how am I gonna say no to a littler, cuter you?”

    • Evil cackle

      That’s what my future nieces and nephews are getting if their mother forgets another one of my birthdays! *evil cackle*

    • Jessica

      That was me! A gift card to a place with $12 bear wigs really says “We can’t stand you.”

    • ninjalulu

      Yes! I knew i read it here! And for real, while my siblings and i have our moments, i would never do that to them. The beads and glitter and loud toys? Already done. But never a gift card they can’t even use.

    • Jallun-Keatres

      Haha I was totally coming here to say “you forgot a BAB cert” lolol

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    The joke book is genius. The best part is the parents won’t realize off the bat that they’re in for a long and tedious year of bad humour.
    My Grandpa was a skilled carpenter. One year he crafted ping-pong slingshots. They could hold two balls while a rubber band flung a third at your target. He gave them to all the grandkids, who each had a sibling at home. He knew exactly what he was doing.

    • Simone

      Sometimes revenge is polite and tidy – even gift-wrapped. Your Grandpa was a wise and wonderful man.

  • Lee

    Bulk Glitter. It’s the only thing I can threaten my brother with that keeps him from buying stupid, dangerous shit for my two year old.

    • Natasha

      My SIL has made one too many passive aggressive b*tch remarks this year. Her 3 yo is getting a craft kit-full of glitter, loose sequins, glue sticks, those little fuzzy pom poms, and teensy weensy google eyes. BAHAHAHAHAWHAHAH!!!!!

    • Jessica

      Be sure to add glitter glue. Best of both worlds!

    • Lee

      That is fantastic!

    • Kim

      Make sure it has those glue sticks with the sponge tip, squeeze them too hard and glue everywhere.

  • keelhaulrose

    A Staples button that says “that was easy” with every push. Bonus: it causes every male in the vicinity to say “that’s what she said”. Every. Damn. Time.
    My sister better not have kids. I’ve had years to plot my revenge.
    Also, for the annoyingly clean and organized, the higher the number of pieces, the better. Go with a couple friends and buy similar, but separate Lego sets,, and watch the chaos ensue.

  • ktbay

    Beads. Lots and lots of beads. I swear to God that I what all of my extended family gave me EVERY year from ages 7-13. I feel like they were punishing my parents for living hours away. Those things end up everywhere, and are never actually made into anything. My older sister has two girls…and they’re getting beads for Christmas.

    • Jessica

      They have sets in craft stores that have 2000 pieces. My daughter got two one year. Obviously people hate us.

  • Jallun-Keatres

    Kidz bop. OMG. Having a sister who is eternally a youth means she is into this crap, possibly for life. Thank goodness she has a walkman and headphones!

  • MommaJen

    I gave my then 16 year old son a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush then proceeded to record him brushing his teeth to “Baby”.

  • Laura

    Moon Sand- but I would reserve that for someone truly heinous.

  • EmmaFromÉire

    Don’t just stop with passive aggressive gifts, start bringing actual coal around in a little bag and discreetly leave some around. The kids I babysit can be complete brats, but they seemed to rein it in fairly quickly when they thought they would genuinely get nothing from santa himself but coal. Even better if you don’t really like the parents either, as they’re the ones who need to clean it up (”i have no idea how it got there, maybe the dog moved some from the fireplace!”)

  • Jessy Southard Strohmeyer

    My sister got our younger cousins wooden flutes from an Indian Pow Wow one year. Ten kids at the family Christmas party all with eardrum-shattering new toys… It may be the only time she has ever been happy to be infertile.

  • Freela

    I can’t wait to buy my nephew a fish! Payback for the day when my brother-in-law showed up on our doorstep with a fish for my 2-year-old son. I took care of that fish for years… then, after my son was distraught when it died, I caved and bought another fish so he wouldn’t be so upset. Then I took care of that fish for years! A gift that requires feeding, cleaning, and will die and break your child’s heart in a year or so? What could go wrong? Actually, who am I kidding? I won’t do this… I like animals more than I like my brother-in-law. He would probably flush the poor fish, and I would have guilt.