We’re scratching our heads along with the rest of the Internet over People Magazine’s choice of the Sexiest Man Alive, 2013. Adam Levine? Really?  We’re experts at Mommyish. of course we are, because most of us have had kids, and in order to have the kids (well, sometimes) you need to have the sex (sometimes.) Since we’re obviously smarter than People, we though we’d compile a list of the sexiest men of the year – according to – well, us.

Idris Elba

AFI FEST 2013 Presented By Audi Premiere Of The Weinstein Company's "Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom" - Arrivals

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Um, hello? Hello? On what planet is Adam Levine sexier than this slice of amazingness?

George Clooney

The Facts of Life

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Hello Clooney-circa-Facts-of-Life. It’s like he’s looking into our souls, screaming, “I will date models way younger than me ’til the end of time and you’ll still find me irresistable.”

Peter Dinklage

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We can’t be the only ones who find Peter swoony.

Any Man Who Brings Us Food

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Kraft

Who knows if the Kraft Zesty Italian guy can really cook? Who cares. There is an added bonus with this one in that he pissed off One Million Moms.

Thor, When Holding A Baby

Chris Hemsworth, Elsa Pataky and Daughter India Rose Sighting In Madrid - July 02, 2012

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Chris Hemsworth is hot – but only when he’s holding a baby, says Eve Vawter. You take away the baby and he is just another lunkhead in a tight T-shirt.

Common

Elam

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We love bearded, Western-y Common.

Anson Mount , aka The Main Guy In Hell On Wheels 

Cullen

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We’ve never even seen this show but who cares?

The Polar Opposite Of This Guy

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The Gevalia Caffe guy haunts Maria Guido‘s dreams. Something about his hair and beige lipstick. So, the polar opposite of this guy.

Anthony Bourdain

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He drinks. He swears. He smokes. And he has the best job in the universe. Dreamy. Plus, he may possibly make us food, so bonus.

Sterling Archer 

This was also Eve’s choice, and if we are at the point where even a cartoon is sexier than Adam Levine, what does that tell you? IT TELLS YOU THAT THIS IS HOW YOU GET ANTS.