Top 8 Reasons We’re Not Doing Thanksgiving This Year

no thanksgiving

battyward

For the last six years I’ve done Thanksgiving dinners of various sizes. Our 2008 dinner was the biggest; we had a huge dinner with all of our friends ( seven adults, five kids, two small turkeys, a ham and one turkey neck that my husband did unspeakable things to). 2011 was the smallest, with just us, one turkey and a six pack of cheap malt liquor (don’t ask). But this years we’re done. We’re gonna head to my mom’s house, drink her wine and eat her food. And it will be glorious.

Don’t get me wrong. I thoroughly enjoy doing Thanksgiving. It’s great. I make a mean turkey, my stuffing is from scratch, and my cranberry sauce could beat up your cranberry sauce. But that shiz is exhausting. Below are some of the many, many reasons we’re not doing Thanksgiving this year. Spoiler alert – they’re mostly about booze.

8. Last Year’s Thanksgiving Almost Killed Me

Not literally, of course. But last year was one of the most stressful holidays ever. Hurricane Sandy had ravaged my neighborhood less than six week prior, and we literally got our electricity back the night before, which was great since we had been relying on a generator. With all the stress and drama of the previous weeks, last year’s Thanksgiving felt like a triumph…but it wiped me out.

9. Guilt-free Drunkeness

It will be nice to kick back, relax and get super-holiday-drunk while someone else worries about the turkey. No more worries about forgetting to baste the turkey, or turn off the toaster oven. NOPE. I can get as drunk as I want and it won’t be my responsibility to keep the house from burning down.

7. Cleaning Up Sucks

The only thing more stressful than cooking a Thanksgiving spread is cleaning up one. Of course, my husband and I will help do the dishes, but we all know that the bulk of the cleaning occurs the day after Thanksgiving, when you’re battling food coma and a hangover and probably vomiting hourly. I will be able to spend that sacred time on the couch, watching the black Friday crowds beat the hell out of each other on television. As it should be.

6. Leftovers, oh the leftovers

The only thing that tastes better than a Thanksgiving sandwich is a Thanksgiving sandwich that you didn’t have any part in creating. After I spend two hours throwing up in my own toilet (like a civilized person) I can bask in the glory that is a Thanksgiving sandwich and then return to my tryptophan-laden sleep for another eight.

5. My House is TINY

not doing thanksgiving

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This is my livingroom/dining room. And yes, that tiny little alcove is my kitchen. All of it. This is NYC living at its finest. Obviously my regular kitchen table is much smaller than this, and we still had a rip-roaring good time, but when all 10 adults and four children were in attendance, it was cramped. It will be nice to actually sit down and not accidentally sit on a toddler this year.

4. My Poor Cats

not doing thanksgiving

These are NOT my cats, mine run when I break out the camera (Image davewebster14)

Thanksgiving is a trying time for my cats. There are just so many distractions and temptations. While I have yet to actually lose any turkey to them (besides the turkey I willingly give up), it’s a constant worry. Not this year though! Don’t worry, I’ll steal them a Thanksgiving sammie or two, because they’re worth it.

3. PRe-Thanksgiving Festivities

not doing thanksgiving

Vermin Inc

Every bar in my neighborhood holds fun-tastic, drunk-tastic pre-Thanksgiving festivities. They are awesome. My husband and I haven’t been able to partake in these activities in years, because we were too busy making turkeys and safeguarding our food from an army of cats. This year we will be able to get a sitter, and get our drank on with no worries except not being too hungover to eat the next day. YAY! (Yes, a lot of these are about booze. Don’t judge me)

2. No Thanksgiving Food Shopping

The only thing worse than regular food shopping is HOLIDAY food shopping. The crowds. The stress. The money. Yuck. This year the only thing I’ll be shopping for are some sides and booze. ALL the booze.

1. My Mom’s Cocktails

I know, I know, A LOT of these have been about booze, but whatevs. YOLO. Obviously I’m kidding, only d-bags and teenagers say yolo. Seriously though, my mom’s cocktails are off the chain, and I plan on consuming more than any one person should. Thankfully I won’t be driving, so bring on the liquor, mom! #Klassy

Share This Post:
    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      “My cranberry sauce could beat up your cranberry sauce.” Recipe or GTFO!

      • Amber Starr

        God, I’m craving cranberry sauce SO bad right now.

    • LiteBrite

      My cats aren’t big fans of people either, so they’re cowering under my bed during Thanksgiving at my house. But since they get to reap in the benefits of helping me eat some of the leftovers, I figure it works out.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Yup. I’ll be happily going across the street to my sister’s house and eating all her food then returning home to my clean house with the kids to sleep it off.

    • Kay_Sue

      My number one reason is that I’d definitely rather be watching (American) football.

    • My Cat Likes This

      Yeah, my cat and I had one memorable thanksgiving. When I was a teen my mother invited over a bunch of friends, something my cat wasn’t used to. We kept the cat in a bedroom and away from the people. My sister left the door open after the meal, while all the adults were drinking and playing cards. My mother–tipsy at this point herself–picked up the cat. In a circle of strangers.

      The cat clawed her face and ran, she cried, I cried because my brother screamed at me for having a psycho cat and said he was going to kick its ass (he didn’t), no one believed me when I said my sister left the door open in the first place (she wisely left the room), and all the guests awkwardly left.

      Best Thanksgiving ever!

      • Emmali Lucia

        “Don’t EVER pick up an animal when you’ve been drinking.” Is like the first lesson in drinking you could possibly learn! I think my mom told me that when I was four.

        “Now Emmali, don’t ever pick up an animal when you’ve been drinking!”

        “But Mommy what if Lily (My cat that actually just passed a week ago) comes and sits in my lap after I’ve had some juice?!”

        “Just admit defeat and surrender to her purring.”

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        I’m sorry about your kitty :(

        This is a great story. I often have to surrender to the power of the purr when I’ve been drinking, lol.

      • Emmali Lucia

        It’s okay, she was 18 years old and the last thing she did was bit my thumb so hard it broke my nail.

        If cats are allowed into Valhalla I think she’s picking fights with the best of them up there, because she died with blood in her mouth, MY blood.

      • SA

        haha – I tried to pet my cat with my face once when drunk. The result was awful.

      • Amber Starr

        Aww… I’m sorry to hear about your kitty’s passing. :(

        In other news: your mom sounds very wise and she gives good advice.

    • Jayess

      CRANBERRY SAUCE FIGHT. INTO THE ARENA. TWO SAUCES ENTER, ONCE SAUCE LEAVES.

    • LadyClodia

      We’re going to my brother’s for Thanksgiving like we did last year. I’ve only ever once attempted to host Thanksgiving, and I didn’t even make a whole turkey just a turkey breast from Trader Joe’s. If he wasn’t going to host I was going to be content with not really doing anything, even though my mother seemed rather horrified by that.
      As for shopping around the holidays I plan to utilize our grocery store’s feature of online ordering and picking the stuff up. It’s so much easier than trying to fight the crowds in the store.

    • Alexandra

      After I spend two hours throwing up in my own toilet (like a civilized person)….
      LMAO!!

    • Julia Sonenshein

      Yeah Frances that throwing up like a civilized person just made me spit out my drink on my computer, like a civilized person.

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        As long as it didn’t go up your nose. Because NOTHING is civilized about that.

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    • Porridge blog

      Thanks for making me laugh. This was a fun read and honestly you list almost all the reasons why I don’t cook most of the year (small kitchen too). Though this year my husband won a 22-kb turkey at a raffle so we will be hosting and do the cooking. Haven’t even shopped yet and not looking forward to grocery story mayhem. Happy Thanks! – Rachel @ Porridge blog (www.justwritemommy.com)