A couple of weeks ago I wrote a piece about the shame to end all shames – mommy shame. A lot of you had some excellent additions to my list, and of course I still have an endless list of my own, because mommy shame knows no bounds. So here we are again. Mommy Shame 2 – Electric Boogaloo (which I would have named this post, but Maria Guido already used it on her VAG CAKES post. BOOOO).
5. “Good moms don’t have time to dress up or wear makeup, you tart!”
Silly moms, thinking you’re still people! If you don’t spend literally every waking moment either with your kids, working to make money for your kids, or feeling guilty because you’re not with your kids then guess what. You’re a BAD MOM. Who needs red lipstick or real pants when you have kids, amirite?
4. “Oh, you have a dog and you’re pregnant? Time to Sophie’s Choice that pet!”
This goes for cats, iguanas, mice, monkeys (what are you, Ross from Friends?), etc. Basically any pet you can imagine. Once you get that bun going in your bady-oven, that pet has gots to go. What if your kid is allergic? Not that you should allow any time to find out, you monster! What if your cat tries to steal your baby’s soul? Think of the CHILDREN! Of course, in a couple of years we’ll have to shame you for not having a pet, because what kind of mother would deprive her little snowflake of an adorable puppy? Heathen!
3. “Once you have a baby, wine is off limits, you drunk-o!”
Oh Yves, what were you thinking? Don’t you know that once you become a mother you can NEVER enjoy yourself again? It doesn’t matter that doctors now extol the benefits of a moderate amount of alcohol not only after pregnancy, but in some cases during, or that it’s no one’s business but your own. NO! Once that womb-raider leaves your baby cave you have to focus on him or her 100 percent, or face sanctimommy judgement. Oh the judgement!
2. “If your kid doesn’t meet our arbitrary standard of “comfort” or “warmth” we WILL say something!”
This one might depend on where you live. When I lived in the Midwest this type of mom shame rarely happened to me, but it happens all the time to me here in NYC. You’ll be walking down the sidewalk, minding your own damn business, when all of a sudden BAM, some nosy sanctimommy will come up and tell you your kid’s jacket needs to be zipped, or that your baby needs a blanket. It doesn’t matter if it’s 20 degrees out or 90, somewhere out there, someone thinks your child is just FREEZING. The worst part is when they literally come up and try to zip the coat themselves. It’s one thing if you want to spout off some nosy nonsense to me, but touch my kid and we’re gonna dance.
1. “If you have help around the house, you’re a lazy slag. But if you do it all yourself, then you’re an uptight bitch!”
It doesn’t matter if you have a nanny, a babysitter or just a bit of help from the grandparents, if you have any help, someone is going to call you lazy. So you say “screw that noise, I’ll just do it on my own!” but NOPE. If you do it all by your lonely then you’re either a martyr, a tight ass or a helicopter mom. Yes, even if the only reason you do it by yourself is because you can’t afford help and don’t have a great support system. Much like the madonna-whore complex, I like to call this the “Felix-Oscar complex,” because no matter what, you’re either anal-retentive or a slothful slapper. Because judging is FUN!
Or because some people are assholes. Yeah, I think it’s the second one.