shutterstock_136960139__1384656174_142.196.156.251Usually by this point in the year, I am well organized, Christmas cards are ready to go, I’ve got a good jump on the gifts. Not this year. I am overwhelmed and a disaster. So our gift guide comes at just the right time, at least for me. We have included some old favorites and some new finds, all of which will make Father Christmas proud.

Love,

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We all know who this is from, right? Yup. Our favorite totally out of touch with what most humans can afford style guru, Gwyneth Paltrow. Look, I know rich people need recommendations, too; they’re the ones spending all the money. But the rest of us get to make fun of them; it’s only fair. The Universe craves balance. I don’t make the rules.

I’ve always believed I was strangely connected to Gwyneth Paltrow. I’ve written about this before – and I feel compelled to tell this story again. I’m pretty sure as a result of some early karmic test, she swooped in and stole my life.

We’ve all heard of karma. What goes around comes around. You get what you give. More expertly defined as “the force generated by a person’s actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences, to determine the nature of the person’s existence.”

It was 1979. I was in the first grade. My friends and I were playing our usual game of lunch time role play. On the bill that day- superheroes. We were all vying for which superhero we would embody. My neighbor, Tim, came running up to the group.

“I wanna be Wonder Woman!”
“You can’t be Wonder Woman!”  I roared.  “You’re a boy!”
Then I did the Wonder Woman twirl, and pushed him into the dirt.
I’m Wonder Woman!”

On a parallel playground in Bel Air (or wherever Gwyneth grew up), a child walked up to her at lunchtime.
“I’ll trade you my bruised banana for your Twinkie?”
Gwyneth, ever the congenial people-pleaser, grinned and said “Ok.”

My fate was sealed. The Gods intervened. I failed my karmic test, and our paths were switched.  Gwyneth would be destined to become a gorgeous movie star and media mogul who gets to have sex with Brad Pitt (clearly my path), and I would become a 38-year-old bartender.
I’m pretty sure that’s how it happened, but I digress.

Back to the gifts. Every year Gwyneth assembles a mass of ridiculous gifts that no one can afford. This year is no different.

 

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Reed Wilson Design

Some humor at the door.

Holla! Gwyneth is so down. For $50 all of you hip city folk can be down, too – with these ridiculous door mats. Your neighbors won’t make fun of you at all.

 

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Malle W. Trousseau

A kitchen set of culinary tools selected for their beauty and functionality.

Okay, this is actually the best gift, ever. It’s a 43 piece kitchen set that has everything from knives to pots to aprons to chopping blocks. This would be so perfect for my mother, who is moving into a new apartment and really needs some new – WHAT THE? It’s $5800.00. Never mind. Also, eff you, Gwyneth.

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Vertigo Home

A glass that rolls to let the cognac breathe. Design follows function.

Because swirling cognac around a glass is so hard – now you can outsource the labor to your dog. $50 for a set.

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 ‘Vegaz’ letters for personalized, over the top lighting.

Sad face. Now I feel like I must have these. I’m pretty sure that they’re not intended to be used in a group like this – but all of a sudden I want to abandon my life and live in a loft furnished with only these letters and a papasan chair. Thank god I don’t have the three grand it would take to make this purchase happen.

 

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Modern House Wines

A delicious red blend from Napa. Choose the bottle by the label.

Here’s your EXPENSIVE bottle of wine. This isn’t obnoxious at all.

 

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Hillier London

Katie Hillier, the Creative Director at Marc Jacobs, has her own line of ‘paperclip’ jewelry.

This necklace is $995. Seriously.

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Alexandra Soveral

Create your own original scent perfume. Really cool bottle with your name on it, too!!!

A 13-year-old on Gwyneth’s “panel of young sophisticates” said she liked this. I also think it’s really cool – and I think my 13-year-old stepdaughter would like it. For $140 your teen chooses three “perfume notes” and emails her choice and her name so a custom perfume and personalized bottle can be made. This sounded great until I realized there was no way in hell my step daughter knows which “perfume notes” to pick. Would you? Here are some of them: Rose Geranium, Bergamot, Frangipani, Pettitgrain, Ylang Ylang, Tonka Bean, Tuberose… huh?

I’m done. Gwyneth stole my life and all my expensive shit.

(photo: DFree/ Shutterstock)