GOOP’s Holiday Gift Guide Is Here To Confuse You And Make You Feel Poor

shutterstock_136960139__1384656174_142.196.156.251Usually by this point in the year, I am well organized, Christmas cards are ready to go, I’ve got a good jump on the gifts. Not this year. I am overwhelmed and a disaster. So our gift guide comes at just the right time, at least for me. We have included some old favorites and some new finds, all of which will make Father Christmas proud.

Love,

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We all know who this is from, right? Yup. Our favorite totally out of touch with what most humans can afford style guru, Gwyneth Paltrow. Look, I know rich people need recommendations, too; they’re the ones spending all the money. But the rest of us get to make fun of them; it’s only fair. The Universe craves balance. I don’t make the rules.

I’ve always believed I was strangely connected to Gwyneth Paltrow. I’ve written about this before – and I feel compelled to tell this story again. I’m pretty sure as a result of some early karmic test, she swooped in and stole my life.

We’ve all heard of karma. What goes around comes around. You get what you give. More expertly defined as “the force generated by a person’s actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences, to determine the nature of the person’s existence.”

It was 1979. I was in the first grade. My friends and I were playing our usual game of lunch time role play. On the bill that day- superheroes. We were all vying for which superhero we would embody. My neighbor, Tim, came running up to the group.

“I wanna be Wonder Woman!”
“You can’t be Wonder Woman!”  I roared.  “You’re a boy!”
Then I did the Wonder Woman twirl, and pushed him into the dirt.
I’m Wonder Woman!”

On a parallel playground in Bel Air (or wherever Gwyneth grew up), a child walked up to her at lunchtime.
“I’ll trade you my bruised banana for your Twinkie?”
Gwyneth, ever the congenial people-pleaser, grinned and said “Ok.”

My fate was sealed. The Gods intervened. I failed my karmic test, and our paths were switched.  Gwyneth would be destined to become a gorgeous movie star and media mogul who gets to have sex with Brad Pitt (clearly my path), and I would become a 38-year-old bartender.
I’m pretty sure that’s how it happened, but I digress.

Back to the gifts. Every year Gwyneth assembles a mass of ridiculous gifts that no one can afford. This year is no different.

 

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Reed Wilson Design

Some humor at the door.

Holla! Gwyneth is so down. For $50 all of you hip city folk can be down, too – with these ridiculous door mats. Your neighbors won’t make fun of you at all.

 

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Malle W. Trousseau

A kitchen set of culinary tools selected for their beauty and functionality.

Okay, this is actually the best gift, ever. It’s a 43 piece kitchen set that has everything from knives to pots to aprons to chopping blocks. This would be so perfect for my mother, who is moving into a new apartment and really needs some new – WHAT THE? It’s $5800.00. Never mind. Also, eff you, Gwyneth.

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Vertigo Home

A glass that rolls to let the cognac breathe. Design follows function.

Because swirling cognac around a glass is so hard – now you can outsource the labor to your dog. $50 for a set.

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 ‘Vegaz’ letters for personalized, over the top lighting.

Sad face. Now I feel like I must have these. I’m pretty sure that they’re not intended to be used in a group like this – but all of a sudden I want to abandon my life and live in a loft furnished with only these letters and a papasan chair. Thank god I don’t have the three grand it would take to make this purchase happen.

 

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Modern House Wines

A delicious red blend from Napa. Choose the bottle by the label.

Here’s your EXPENSIVE bottle of wine. This isn’t obnoxious at all.

 

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Hillier London

Katie Hillier, the Creative Director at Marc Jacobs, has her own line of ‘paperclip’ jewelry.

This necklace is $995. Seriously.

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Alexandra Soveral

Create your own original scent perfume. Really cool bottle with your name on it, too!!!

A 13-year-old on Gwyneth’s “panel of young sophisticates” said she liked this. I also think it’s really cool – and I think my 13-year-old stepdaughter would like it. For $140 your teen chooses three “perfume notes” and emails her choice and her name so a custom perfume and personalized bottle can be made. This sounded great until I realized there was no way in hell my step daughter knows which “perfume notes” to pick. Would you? Here are some of them: Rose Geranium, Bergamot, Frangipani, Pettitgrain, Ylang Ylang, Tonka Bean, Tuberose… huh?

I’m done. Gwyneth stole my life and all my expensive shit.

(photo: DFree/ Shutterstock)

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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    • Elizabeth

      One of the only reasons I wish I were rich is so I could upgrade from Awesome Gift Giver to BEST GIFT GIVER IN THE UNIVERSE.

      And I would still buy none of these things!

      • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

        I want to be YOUR friend!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      It should be noted I have an obnoxious doormat from suck. uk. It reads “come in” when you are facing it and “go away” when you are leaving. I’m pretty much exactly like G-dog.

      • Helen Hyde

        My welcome mat says hola! Which basically means I am also gwyneth.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I can’t believe you just one upped me with your doormat.

      • SusannahJoy

        I…. honestly do not know if I have a doormat…. When we moved in our landlord left a TON of stuff, and I”m sure he probably left a doormat there, but clearly that’s not high on my list of “stuff to pay attention to” because I don’t know if it exists. I could go check, but you know, beer.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        You don’t have kids, do you? If I did NOT have a doormat my life would be over. even with a doormat my entryway is always littered with leaves, mud, and the occasional squirrel innards. Doormats are VERY important. But then again, so is beer.

      • SusannahJoy

        My son’s only 6 months old and not even crawling yet. I’m sure the doormat will be important later. :)

      • SusannahJoy

        And we bottled the home-brew yesterday.

      • http://sarahhollowell.com/ Sarah Hollowell

        I love you.

      • Rachel Sea

        Our doormat just says “Leave,” because the people who come to our door are proselytizers, tweakers selling candy bars, people who want to buy my car (which is not for sale), or friends who think the mat is hilarious.

    • momjones

      Hermes poker cards for about $105.00…”A great hostess gift”…I guess the $2.50 bars of homemade soap I picked up at the local church craft show aren’t going to cut it…

    • AP

      All of the holiday gift lists I’ve seen in magazines and online are incredibly pricey. I can’t tell if they’re using high-end examples because they know you can find similar items cheaper, or they actually think that $250-$500 per person is an appropriate amount to spend for Christmas. Just because you have $4 to spend on a magazine does not mean you have $86 to spend on a designer candle for your mother-in-law’s cousin.

      • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

        Agreed!

    • NicknamesAreDull

      Maybe it’s because we’re plebeians, but if I had a rolling cognac glass, my dog would think it was a toy and either try to drink the contents or roll it across the floor.

      • Alicia Kiner

        And see, I’m over here thinking, who the hell drinks cognac??

      • NicknamesAreDull

        My husband really enjoys it, but I don’t think he would want a special dog toy glass.. or even a bottle at home. It’s one of those things he’ll get when we go to a nice restaurant for our anniversary.

      • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

        I love cognac, but I think I’d prefer it in a glass that I wasn’t guaranteed to send careening off the edge of the coffee table. NicknamesAreDull is so right about the dog toy … look at that bulldog in the picture! He’s totally waiting to bat that thing across the floor.

      • Rachel Sea

        Snifters are also supposed to be warmed by the heat of your hand. Swirling the glass on a surface won’t release the aromatics.

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      The other day I went online and “designed” a custom charm bracelet without regards to price, just to see what my taste dictated I should have. $780. Now, since we’re talking about inappropriately and prohibitively expensive Christmas presents… :D

    • Kelly

      A thousand dollar paperclip necklace? Man, I’m in the wrong line of work.

    • SusannahJoy

      Those glasses are awesome. And I LOVE the smell of bergamont.

    • Tea

      I’m making everyone ornaments and art, because that’s what you get when you’re family with a poor artist. Paintings and ornaments for everyone!

      But I may or may not have those wine glasses, and I may or may not never get to use them because my cats are jerks.

    • aliceblue

      Look at the plus side. A visit to Walmart for a door mat, stencil, spray paint, paper clips, large labels & some 2 Buck Chuck and you too can give goopy gifts. AND for pennies on the dollar

    • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

      Oh my gosh, I had a “custom perfume blend” when I was 14 and I loved it, but it was $25. I didn’t know what any of the scents were, so it smelled like getting punched in the face with a brick wrapped in flowers. There were no bottom notes or top notes, just the three strongest, richest-smelling flower oils in the store. The place also put the scents into conditioner and shampoo and body wash and stuff.

    • NYBondLady

      If you actually like any of this crap, I’m sure Etsy will be filled with similar stuff in no time, and you get to buy from a real artist.

    • G.E. Phillips

      Something that you wipe your feet on should not cost more than 20 bucks. (This is the same principle by which I shop for toilet paper.)

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Wait, the wine is called EXPENSIVE? That’s fucking gross.

    • Rachel Sea

      At $12.99 a bottle, the price of EXPENSIVE ain’t too bad, however it would probably only be a $6 bottle of wine if it weren’t for the witty label.

    • Momma425

      If my family members were rich, I would be seriously furious if they spent a grand on a bendy paperclip on a chain, and not something awesome, like diamonds. Come on G- if you are going to spend 6K on someone, buy them a freaking car, not some kitchen knives and an apron.
      Why am I so poor? I would be a way better gift giver than G, apparantly.

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