Cheatsgiving: How To Survive A ‘Groundhog Day’ Thanksgiving

bill_murray1-e1328169216467My husband’s family is wonderful. They are kind, generous, and just all around good people and one of the first things I noticed about them was they love to get together. Something I was not accustomed to growing up. My family lives all over the east coast and we rarely, if ever, want to hang out around each other, unless there are equal parts alcohol per family member. Not that we don’t love each other we just understand each other. That’s when I noticed the second thing about my husband’s family, they never have adult beverages at our dinners and after years of holidays and Saturday family dinners (Yes, we have those. At least once a month) I have realized we are the Cleavers. So I’m going to get my apron on (no, I won’t) and grin and bear it as the same exact things and food happen, like I’m trapped in the twilight zone, every year. We will set at least a months in advance who’s home will be hosting what holiday. Now that my husband and I are homeowners our turn is coming this Christmas and I can see the horror creeping into my MIL eyes whenever she thinks about it.

The kids will ask at least 10 times each what exactly the cranberry chutney is. (It is actually pretty tasty)

My mother in law will ask at least 35 times if I’m sure I want to make something. At first this was jarring to me. I thought maybe my cooking was bad, although I do cook quite a lot and my spirit guide is Julia Child. But they are just set in their ways so the first time I brought stuffed mushrooms they were like ?!?!?!?!?! and now they always assume I am just going to make those. Every. Time.

The exact phrase; “The secret is: I bast it in a few sticks of butter to keep it moist” Will be uttered by my sister in law in reference to her turkey and my husband and I will cry on the inside.

Our cousin will bring the same green bean casserole and forget to cook the green beans all the way. So we will all sit and eat squeaky beans and tell her how delicious it is.

One of the kids will go missing.

Our niece will survey the food and announce she is *insert a word ending in atarian* and can’t have whatever dish she doesn’t think she will like.

I will ask my husband if there is wine at home, several times. Eventually he get’s the hint and we say our good-byes and head home to toast to how grateful we are for our wonderful family.

The only difference this year, is it will be the first holiday without our grandmother, who really was the light of every gathering. She was a beautiful human being. So this Thanksgiving I’m going to wear the watch she left me, probably softly cry in the bathroom for a minute, and tell her I love and miss her. Even her ambrosia salad.

You can order a fully cooked turkey from Dean and Deluca that you simply need to reheat. I’m sure it’s a fabulous tasting bird, and at $325 for 16 pounds it better be.

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    • chickadee

      I am so sorry. I usually cravenly wait for someone else to say this, but you really need to proofread your work before you submit it. I am not taking a grammar-Nazi stance here, since this isn’t a comp course, but it’s “baste,” “(veg)etarian,” and “gets,” not “bast,” “(veg)atarian,” and “get’s.”

      And please, more in-law horror stories about the holidays. I never had a good holiday experience with in-laws, and I like reading about others who are in the same boat.

      • LJ

        *Sigh* I know! I was so excited I kind of word vomited this post and read it this morning like -_-. “sonofa”. Next time, more proof reading. Less excited garbling. But thank you!

      • chickadee

        I am so glad you are not thinking I’m a massive beeyotch. I really liked the post — holiday bitching is the best.

      • LJ

        No way! I appreciate it. Sometimes I need to be like, “Lisa…calm yourself”. Holidays and in laws do make for the best stories, though!

      • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

        And please sprinkle in some periods and semicolons in the top paragraph, too. Otherwise, fun post.

    • KB

      My family is like your husband’s (except the boring monotony part). There’s never been alcohol at our holiday celebrations or family dinners. I honestly didn’t even realize that drinking on holidays was commonplace until I met my husband, who hated family functions because he grew up watching all the adults in his life drinking to help them get through being around their relatives. I’m glad I didn’t grow up that way. To each her own, I suppose.