Today I was kind of at a loss of how to live up to kitty memes and greeting cards. Obviously eventually I will have to recycle these ideas – but I’m still trying to keep it fresh. So this week I decided I would get you epic readers some epic jewelry. Everyone likes jewelry, right?
“I eat my weight in Cheerios, I talk about poop way too much, and I am much less grossed out by snot than I used to be.”
Replace “Cheerios” with “Goldfish crackers” and this is my life.
“Baby talk? Smelling butts? Not eating real food? POOPING FOR AN AUDIENCE?!? You know that Mommyish is the absolute most effective birth control on the market, right? You guys should be charging for this. I swear to pants when I hula-hoop my body sounds like marbles in a tin can since everything has dried up and died. And I just turned 30–that’s how powerful you are.”
“I wish everyone would just keep their religion to themselves. There are few things less Christian than Judgy McProselytizers and their promises of hellfire. Read your book, you jerks, you’re making the baby Jesus cry.”
“Eve you’re going to make me cry and forget to take my birth control.”
This was in response to the article,10 Reasons I Love Being A Mom Even Though I Complain About Being A Mom
Â - to which Eve responded in our Skype swarm – “Eve Vawter – Knocking up chicks since 2013.” Eve deserves a necklace, too.
“My list would suck because I have the memory of…somebody who has a shitty memory, and therefore I can’t remember anything before like, August.”
Oh my god, Allison. Are we the same person?
“Speaking of gummies and vodka, I recently learned about vodka soaked gummy bears and as soon as this baby comes out – or at least shortly after – I’m going to make a big batch and eat them for dinner. I can’t wait.”
“A thigh gap whilst pregnant? Is she a unicorn?”
“I do not think I have ever cleaned behind a major appliance. And now I am too scared to.”
“I just won Thanksgiving; I’m getting one of these and filling it with codeine cough syrup. Not only will my MIL not get her knickers in a bunch because I’m drinking booze, but when she tells me “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! YOU’RE GOING TO RUIN THE PIE!” I can just take a big swig, and smile my big purple-sticky smile, and then glassy-eyed stare at her until she gets totally weirded-out and leaves me alone. Not only that, but as a woman who’s never had a kid, my boobs finally have a purpose besides looking awesome and, well, looking awesome.”
This was in response to,Â Finally! A Way To Get Drunk Via Your Boobs
. The reader’s screen name is actually “I need to get to Canada, stat,” but that didn’t fit on a necklace – so I thought awesomeboobs would do. Also – this comment basically wins everything – not just Thanksgiving.
You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter