Mommyish Epic Comments Of The Week Are Epic Enough For Custom Jewelry

Today I was kind of at a loss of how to live up to kitty memes and greeting cards. Obviously eventually I will have to recycle these ideas – but I’m still trying to keep it fresh. So this week I decided I would get you epic readers some epic jewelry. Everyone likes jewelry, right?
“I eat my weight in Cheerios, I talk about poop way too much, and I am much less grossed out by snot than I used to be.”
Replace “Cheerios” with “Goldfish crackers” and this is my life.
“Baby talk? Smelling butts? Not eating real food? POOPING FOR AN AUDIENCE?!? You know that Mommyish is the absolute most effective birth control on the market, right? You guys should be charging for this. I swear to pants when I hula-hoop my body sounds like marbles in a tin can since everything has dried up and died. And I just turned 30–that’s how powerful you are.”
This was in response to Saying Things Like ‘I Pee-Peed’ And Other Ways Parenting Ruins You. The reader’s screen name is actually “Mabye we’ll adopt a teenager,” which didn’t fit on a necklace so I had to improvise. She made me realize that maybe I’m onto something with these anecdotes…



“I wish everyone would just keep their religion to themselves. There are few things less Christian than Judgy McProselytizers and their promises of hellfire. Read your book, you jerks, you’re making the baby Jesus cry.”
This was in response to the article, My Mother-In-Law Thinks My Daughter Is Going To Hell. Amen, Rachel.
“Eve you’re going to make me cry and forget to take my birth control.”
This was in response to the article,10 Reasons I Love Being A Mom Even Though I Complain About Being A Mom - to which Eve responded in our Skype swarm – “Eve Vawter – Knocking up chicks since 2013.” Eve deserves a necklace, too.

“My list would suck because I have the memory of…somebody who has a shitty memory, and therefore I can’t remember anything before like, August.”
Oh my god, Allison. Are we the same person?

“Speaking of gummies and vodka, I recently learned about vodka soaked gummy bears and as soon as this baby comes out – or at least shortly after – I’m going to make a big batch and eat them for dinner. I can’t wait.”
This was in response to, 30 Of My Favorite Things 2013 Including Vodka, Gummy Candy And Sanctimommies. I love a woman with goals.
“A thigh gap whilst pregnant? Is she a unicorn?”
This was in response to, It’s Nobody’s Business How Many Bananas This Pregnant Model Eats A Day. CMJ, it turns out this model is a unicorn. A banana-eating unicorn who lives on a rainbow. She fooled us all.

“I do not think I have ever cleaned behind a major appliance. And now I am too scared to.”
This was in response to, Let’s Clean House For The Holidays So All Our Annoying Relatives Can Mess It Up! I haven’t either, Candy. Eve is a crazy-person.

“I just won Thanksgiving; I’m getting one of these and filling it with codeine cough syrup. Not only will my MIL not get her knickers in a bunch because I’m drinking booze, but when she tells me “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! YOU’RE GOING TO RUIN THE PIE!” I can just take a big swig, and smile my big purple-sticky smile, and then glassy-eyed stare at her until she gets totally weirded-out and leaves me alone. Not only that, but as a woman who’s never had a kid, my boobs finally have a purpose besides looking awesome and, well, looking awesome.”
This was in response to, Finally! A Way To Get Drunk Via Your Boobs. The reader’s screen name is actually “I need to get to Canada, stat,” but that didn’t fit on a necklace – so I thought awesomeboobs would do. Also – this comment basically wins everything – not just Thanksgiving.
All necklace art generated on
You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
Share This Post:
    • MJK

      I love that this is turning into a weekly thing! Some of the people who comment on this site are amazing wordsmiths with an uncanny ability to sprinkle on just the perfect amount of snark. How do you even narrow it down?

      • Maria Guido

        It is unbelievably hard.

    • DatNanny

      I guess I have nine months to prove myself.

    • EmmaFromÉire

      Another fan of this being weekly!

    • Both are totally accurate

      I’d be proud to sport both the ‘Loud Uterus’ and the ‘Awesome Boobs’ award necklaces separately, though together they sound like a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Join us Friday at 8 pm for “Loud Uterus, Awesome Boobs: the Whoever Whatsherface Story.”

      • Maria Guido

        NO WAY! You win the Internet. xo

    • candyvines

      It’s an honor just to be nominated.

      • I love candy beans, Job

        Is your screen name from Arrested Development?

      • candyvines

        Yes! Hey, part of that guy’s face just fell into the bowl of candy beans!

      • Marlla

        I am sure that that’s just an ilusion. Epyxa

    • Edify

      1 vote for I need to get to Canada, stat to change her name to Awesome Boobs.

    • allisonjayne

      Hey I just saw this! Yay me!