Okay Moms and Mother-in-laws, listen up. Your daughter is hosting her first Thanksgiving this year and I know you are nervous. Just between us, I am nervous for you. I think we can all agree her meal won’t be nearly as lovely or wonderful as the meal you usually prepare. Actually, just between us again, it will be like comparing a François Simon top rated dining experience to getting a fourth meal at Taco Bell, and not a clean Taco Bell, the really scary one by the airport. But for some dumb reason, Thanksgiving will be held at your daughter’s or daughter-in-law’s place this year and because you badly want to see the grandchildren you have agreed to go and be subjected to her lumpy gravy. I feel you.
I know it will be tempting to critique her cooking. Who can blame you? But in the spirit of familial harmony and because we all know how your daughter can be when she is stressed out, I am giving you ten things not to say to her when she hosts her first Thanksgiving dinner.
1: Aren’t You Going To Serve Appetizers?
I get it. Everyone is staving. Your daughter really should have put out cheese and crackers. Hopefully she will learn in time.
2: That’s Not The Way I Make Stuffing.
Oh Lord, is she seriously opening boxes of Stove Top? Just back out of the room slowly and find out where the liquor cabinet is.
3: Did You Remember To Take The Package Of Gizzards And Turkey Neck Out of The Cavity?
Spolier alert! Of course she didn’t. I’m sure you can remember making this same mistake, many years ago.
4: Is That Cranberry Sauce.. From A Can?
I know this is not the way you raised her. Between this and the paper tablecloth you better go pour another drink.
5: Why Is This Gravy So Lumpy?
You should probably map-quest the directions to Panera for the drive home.
6: I’m Just Going To Fix The Kids A Snack
When was the last time she fed those babies? Can’t a grandma get a box of animal crackers around here?
7: Where Do You Keep Your Potato Ricer?
Remember? She doesn’t have one. Because last year you offered to buy her one and a garlic press for Christmas and all she wanted was a stupid gift card to Bath And Body Works.
8: Don’t You Want To At Least Brush Your Hair?
I can’t believe she is sitting down to dinner looking like this either, what with the messy hair and her shirt covered in – what is that? Pumpkin meat? Back in your day women could make a meal and they wore heels and pearls doing it. Listen, I’m not even sure she is wearing actual pants right now. I think those are leggings.
9: Is This Pie Homemade?
Of course it isn’t, and she knows that you know she bought it at the checkout line of her grocery last night because she also forgot the cream of mushroom soup for the green bean casserole.
10: Can I Help Clean Up?
Actually, scratch that one. That one you can say. Happy Thanksgiving!
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