• Fri, Nov 8 - 12:00 pm ET

Cheatsgiving: 10 Things I Need So I’m Not A Raging Monster Mom On Thanksgiving

Screen Shot 2013-11-08 at 11.03.33 AMI’m basically writing this in hopes that you lovely readers will also share your Thanksgiving ‘Must-Haves’ so I can steal all of your ideas and make my holiday that much more joyous. At least I’m honest. Some of these things I grew up with, so they are just part of my holiday tradition, and some of these things I just need because if Mama is going to slave over a hot stove for two days, Mama better have some things she needs to get through this culinary nightmare.

1: I Need Christmas Music

(Image: Tumblr)

(Image: Tumblr)

When I’m de-veining my damn celery and chopping onions, I want some Johnny Mathis and some Elvis to keep me company. I have decided that I can officially start listening to Christmas music while preparing my Thanksgiving food, and it just makes me happier to listen to it when I’m doing all of my prep work for the big meal.

2: At Some Point, I Need To Watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving 

(Image: sodahead)

(Image: sodahead)

3: I Need A Cocktail That I Don’t Prepare Myself 

I want someone to prepare a lovely cocktail for me and bring it to me, because I am BUSY.  I would like this cocktail to have junk floating in it, like mayhaps slices of fruit.

4: I Need A Turkey Sculpted Out Of Butter 

turkey made of butter

(Image: NWAfoodie)

And I will go to every damn grocery in town until I find one. I know it’s dumb, but I love the butter sculptures grocery stores sell around the holidays and seeing a turkey created out of butter makes me happy.

5: I Need To Wear Something Cute That is Also Comfy 

In my house, we don’t “dress” for Thanksgiving, but I want to wear something that looks cute and presentable that I can also nap in, preferably with an elastic waist.

6: I Need This 11 Dollar Williams Sonoma Turkey Gravy Base 

Screen Shot 2013-11-08 at 10.12.45 AM

 

UGH, please do NOT gravy lecture me. Nothing stresses me out more than gravy. I know all about that Wondra stuff, I know all about dissolving cornstarch in cold water, but I refuse to make gravy without my overpriced WS gravy starter. I would rather just add my turkey drippings to this stuff and be a gazillion percent positive it will come out perfect than stress over making gravy from scratch. Do not gravy shame me!

 7: I Need To Have The Macy’s Day Parade Playing In The Background 

 

(Image: getty Images)

(Image: getty Images)

As hokey as it is, I love the parade and I love forcing my kids to watch it.

8: I Need A New Board Game 

(Image: amazon)

(Image: amazon)

I LOVE playing board games with my family, and I always insist on a new one to try. I NEED your suggestions!

 9:  I Need These Stupid Holiday Ice Cream Trees 

(Image: Kemps)

(Image: Kemps)

This is dumb and not Thanksgiving themed but growing up we always had these and the snowman ones for the kids for after the big meal in case they didn’t want pie, so it’s more of a nostalgia thing for me than anything else. I don’t eat them, I prefer chess pie or something, but the kids are always gaga for them.

1: New Food Storage Thingies And A Spotless Refrigerator 

(Image: getty)

(Image: getty)

I want my refrigerator cleaned out before the big day, and I also want a plethora of new food storage containers, Ziplocs and foil. And to not have to package any leftovers or do any dishes when it’s over with. That’s what kids and spouses are for.

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(Images: Getty)

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  • CMJ

    I thought this said “Momster.”

  • DMH

    This. All of this.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      COME OVER

  • Rachel Sea

    I have never even heard of a butter sculpture outside a county fair. I had no idea such a thing was sold.

    I need my mother-in-law’s carpets to be freshly shampooed (meaning I need to go over there on Sunday and shampoo them), because chances are good I’m going to be sitting on it for hours, and her dogs get it gross.

    And I need from-scratch cranberry sauce, because that’s what I put on my turkey, instead of gravy.

    I need my kitchen to be completely spotless, because I’ll be cooking one of the turkeys, two pans of yams, cranberry sauce, butternut squash soup, challah, rugeleh, and latkes (because this year is Thanksgivingukah which means I’m Jewifying the holiday), and the more I have to cook, the more pristine I need my kitchen to be when I start.

    • libraryofbird

      I can help with the cranberry recipe!
      Bag of cranberries, juice and zest from lemon or orange, 1/4 cup brown sugar, big squeeze honey, couple of dashes spices (pumpkin pie spice is great) sprinkle of salt, and if you want a jalapeño. Boil in a pan until cranberries pop and it’s thickened.

    • Rachel Sea

      That’s pretty close to my recipe. I use homemade unrefined simple simple syrup left over from candying cranberries of instead of brown sugar and honey, and cinnamon instead of pie spice, and I cook it until the juice gels. Jalepenos aren’t popular with some of the relatives, so I’ll stick to adding pickled peppers to my sandwiches.

    • Allyson_et_al

      I’m making latkes, too! FYI, the freeze well, so you can make them ahead and reheat them in the oven if you want– saves you from the last-minute frying stress.

    • Rachel Sea

      That’s definitely my plan. I hate cooking fiddly things with people hovering, and trying to talk to me. I’d end up either burning the crap out of myself, or bollocksing the ratios so that they fall apart.

  • Aimee Beff

    Christmas music is for the day AFTER Thanksgiving. This is just science. I’m pretty sure I read a study about this somewhere.

    • libraryofbird

      Because that’s when the tree goes up and you have to have Christmas music for that.

    • Aimee Beff

      Clearly we’ve read the same study.

    • Allyson_et_al

      We always start the Christmas music up after Santa arrives at Macy’s. Can’t find a study to cite, but I’m pretty sure it’s based on scientific fact.

  • JLH1986

    Because of my crazy school/work schedule all I need this year is a giant bottle of wine and a DD. Because I’m not doing a damn thing.

  • libraryofbird

    I need someone to clean my house (I could do it but I don’t want to), and wine. All the wine.

  • Tinyfaeri

    Wine.

    • keelhaulrose

      And Irish Coffee. It’ll get you through the day.

  • Bethany Ramos

    You just made me so excited about Thanksgiving, I want it right MEOW! We also eat deviled eggs for breakfast on both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Mmm…

    • alice

      right meow!

    • Heather

      YES DEVILED EGGS ALL DAY!!!

  • CMJ

    I’ll be on a plane ALLLLLL day. So I need bagels, good coffee, whiskey/bourbon. And a plate waiting for me upon my arrival at my destination.

    • momjones

      Don’t forget to bring the good coffee with you this time. Plate of hushwee and turkey OK?

    • CMJ

      MEAT PIES.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Mail me hushwee OK?

    • momjones

      Saturday…6 hour drive, max. It will be on the table, along with meat pies and I’ll even make grape leaves. And booze. And kids, lots of kids…and a one year old girl who is fond of giving the side eye to Mom types!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I want this to happen, am gonna ask

    • CMJ

      The one year old gives an epic side eye.

  • TashaB

    Board games? If people are not easily offended (and there is a lack of small children) Cards Against Humanity should be your pick.
    Apples to Apples is the clean version that little kids can play.
    Also: Ticket To Ride & King of Tokyo (recommended 8yrs+) are both really fun

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      OH thank you, OK, how bad is CAH? I have been wanting it forever. My kids are 9, 11 and 17, and I’m not super super uptight. as long as there aren’t like super awkward anal sex questions or something, what would you rate it?

    • TashaB

      CAH is definitely okay for the 17 year old. The 9 & 11 year old? Well, if you go to the CAH website http://cardsagainsthumanity.com/, they have samples of cards pop up, so you can judge for yourself.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      see, I bet my teens would looooove it

    • thefluter

      Agreed, it’s probably not appropriate for kids under 17, and it can get REAL uncomfortable for kids + parents to play together. We tried it at my partner’s last year, and I stealthily repicked a question card after getting “What do I think about during sex?” Yeah, awkward with partner’s mom and dad in the room…

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I wish they made just an obnoxious goofy kids version.

    • TashaB

      Apples to Apples can get pretty obnoxious goofy, depending on the participants (and how drunk they may be).
      I won’t tell you my favourite Apples to Apples story, because it is potentially offensive, due to lots and lots of beer and subsequent lack of social filters.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Now I kinda hafta hear it

    • TashaB

      The card was Visionary. Someone played Helen Keller. Drunk, social filter-less friend shouted “But she’s BLIND!!!”

  • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

    This is the first year in so many years I can’t even count that I won’t be serving other people on Thanksgiving and I am soooooo happy about it.

  • alice

    i need my in-laws to stop initiating that “let’s go around the table and say something we’re thankful for” game. i always know it’s coming, but am never prepared.

    and: booze. eggnog booze. wine booze. cordials booze. football beer booze.

    • Andrea

      Your answer should always be: alcohol.

    • keelhaulrose

      I have an aunt who, every Easter, asks what we gave up for lent. She stopped asking me when I started replying “self-deprivation”.
      She asks the thankful thing, too, but no one has caught on that I usually have a diaper change/bathroom break/need to smoke even though I can’t stand cigarettes during that time.

  • DatNanny

    I need a clone to go to the obligatory partner’s family stuffy uptight Thanksgiving while I stay at home watching football with my dad and brother and drinking, ehm, I mean, cooking with my mom and having an all around great and raucous time because my family is better don’t tell him I said that

    • Rachel Sea

      Ugh, I’m sorry you have stuffy uptight in-laws. My aunt used to insist that we do two Thanksgivings so that we could all come to her perfect white carpeted house, and admire her perfect table, and listen to her lies about her perfect kids, and life, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Eventually we said enough is enough and she is welcome to come to our gatherings, where family is messy and loud and puts feet on the couch, but we’re not going to go over there just so she can keep up appearances.

    • DatNanny

      Yay for messy and loud!

      I wonder if it’s not as bad as it seems, if it’s just my own nervousness, but it’s so uncomfortable to me. Everything is so formal. The smallest child gets to pick who says grace, and I’m fine bowing my head and going along with it, but there’s always this moment of awkward terror for my partner and I that they’ll pick one of us godless heathens.

      I’ve had actual nightmares where I had small children who made a mess in her home and I was then shunned.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I’m sorry, but this sounds so miserable. It sounds like she just strips the fun out of the holiday totally

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      see, I like a pretty table. I like flowers and candles and the house looking nice. But fuck me there is no way in hell I am having a holiday without lost of delicious cocktails and kids laughing and playing and people having FUN and being loud.

    • Rachel Sea

      Oh I’m totally with you, I love a nice centerpiece, and busting out the good china, and linen napkins, but there is setting a nice table, and then there is insisting people come over just to admire your stuff.

      She has real issues, for very good reasons, but I’m past feeling like participating in her crazy is kind, now I think it’s enabling.

  • Alex Lee

    This is our boardgame of choice right now:

    http://www.amazon.com/Calliope-Games-CLP119CFN-Tsuro-Seas/dp/B008GS6VR4/

    You can either crash ships into each other or force them off the edge of the ocean. Pretty to look at, too.

    Has anyone made screamcore Christmas Carols yet? I’m in the mood for “Do You Hear What I Hear?” by Killswitch Engage.

    • Rachel Sea

      No screamcore that I know of, but Bad Religion just came out with a Christmas album.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Now I know what to get my brother in law for xmas TY

    • keelhaulrose

      “Cards against humanity”. Nothing quite like it, especially while drunk. Our twist is to take a shot anytime you get one of your family members to blush having to say something like “For lent, I’m giving up anal sex”. Sobriety is not an option in my family.

  • Cee

    1. Gin 2. Gin and Tonic 3. A Gimlet 4. Green Bean Casserole 5. Turkey 7. Sleep 8. Beer 9. Tacos 10. Gin

  • Jessica

    We are hosting a bunch of people, and will have 5 kids under 8. I really, really want to rent a Moon Bounce and shove the kids in it (winter coats and layers of socks, maybe?)until dinner starts.

    And now, the hunt for the butter turkey begins.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I WANT A THANKSGIVING BOUNCE HOUSE

  • thefluter

    Have you ever played Boxers or Briefs!? It’s super fun to play with the family — basically like Apples to Apples but about the people in the room. I played it with my family the first time my boyfriend came home to meet them, and while I did get embarrassed by my boyfriend picking “I like big butts and I cannot lie” as the “true” thing … that my mom submitted …. it was fun otherwise.

    http://www.amazon.com/Hasbro-Boxers-or-Briefs/dp/B0041TUSTO/ref=sr_1_1/180-5224784-8855854?ie=UTF8&qid=1383937136&sr=8-1&keywords=boxer+or+briefs+game

  • Tea

    You forgot alcohol.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I WOULD NEVER EVER MAKE SUCH A MISTAKE EVER

  • Alex Lee

    Not that you’d do this, but you’d want to take softened (not melted) butter and pack it into the turkey mold, then freeze it solid. Quickly run the mold under warm water to release the turkey-shaped butter. Join the left and right halves with more melted butter and refrigerate.

    (I have not tested this and really, it sounds like a Pinterest-fail just waiting to happen)

    In five years, we’ll be able to 3d-print our butter into any shape we want.

    #butterturkey

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      UGH YOU MAKE ME A BUTTER TURKEY AND MAIL IT I HAVE ENOUGH TO DO SHEESH

    • Alex Lee

      I AM TOO BUSY FINDING YOU PENIS BONES AND CHAINSAWS

  • TngldBlue

    I’m feeling pretty spoiled. My mom still cooks and all that is required of me is to bring pies. I might stir something or other but most of the time I drink wine and gossip, stuff myself, then go home and lay on the couch for three hours moaning about how stuffed I am. I would help more but I’m afraid if I become to helpful she’ll declare I can start handling TG and that would kill my favorite holiday.

  • keelhaulrose

    I had an aunt invite us to Thanksgiving this year. I did not embarrass myself by throwing myself at the ground and kissing her feet, but I am bringing the best wine that I can afford in my gratitude. Somehow “we’ll make Thanksgiving dinner” always turns into “*Keelhaul* will make Thanksgiving dinner” and I find myself up at six in the morning with my hand in decapitated turkey ass.

  • Shelly Lloyd

    I have heard of the carved butter, but I have not seen it in stores here in Fl. Is this an up north thing?

  • Shelly Lloyd

    What I want for Thanksgiving? I want to be with my mom and my sister and all my little nieces and nephews this Thanksgiving day. We live so far apart, nearly 700 miles. I can not remember the last time we all had Thanksgiving together. It just makes me sad. We go to my in-laws but it isn’t the same. :(

  • LJ

    My Thanksgiving Wish is that you all drink all the booze for me this Thanksgiving since we all know I’ll be sober. Crying. In the corner. Alone.

  • Helen Hyde

    Wish we had thanksgiving in England. Well, not thanksgiving (you know) but something similar to bridge the gap into Christmas. The shops are all Christmassy already and it’s just too early! Plus eating a load of food is always fun.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      make your own! You can, we won’t tell!

  • Heather

    Absolutely buying new storage containers and cleaning the fridge before the big day. I also must have a very pretty table set up. Even though we have a mostly casual dinner (jeans are fine, but if they are clean it’s better. HA) I LOVE having my table set with my old family table cloth and cloth napkins. Makes the meal feel nice.

  • March

    Munchkin is a fantastic game. It’s cards rather than board, and it’s about monsters and treasures (geek level: moderate to high), but it contains great humour (read: awful punnage) and the main goal is to screw all other players over as much as you can.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Looking into this one, thanks so much

    • March

      I’m now slightly hoping that if you try it and like it, you’ll write a hilarious blog post about your Very Munchkin Thanksgiving. (Or Very Munchkin Black Friday. Or whenever.) XD

  • Elisa Probert

    I need Ants On a Log before noon. I don’t know why, but if I don’t get my peanut butter mixed with honey, spread on a celery stick, and topped with raisins (Or Craisins!!! Yum!) I’m just a lump of misery all day.

    And god old Pilsbury cinnamon rolls (baked the night before and just warmed up a little) with coffee before all the cooking starts.

    Something cute and comfy to wear is definitely a must too!

    This year I’m working on Thanksgiving. So I get to wear scrubs. (comfy!!! Not so cute) and eat dinner with a resident’s family at the nursing home. I think that family being there for Thanksgiving is on my list for years when I work the holiday.

  • marimba_girl

    We played Spontuneous last year. So. Much. Fun.
    It should be noted however that I come from a long line of musicians and music aficionados. Made the game harder and easier at the same time. :)

    http://www.amazon.com/Spontuneous-Party-Board-Game-Lyrics/dp/B004LO2AIG/ref=sr_1_1?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1384035122&sr=1-1&keywords=spontuneous

  • Amber Starr

    My mom makes gravy that would make Baby Jesus weep tears of joy. Seriously.

  • G.E. Phillips

    I need my crazy Aunt Alice to not get blind drunk, trip and do a somersault on the living room rug while simultaneously knocking my innocent, cracker-eating bystander toddler head first into the coffee table. Three years in a row is just TOO MUCH.

  • Allyson_et_al

    My favorite Thanksgiving drink: pour a tablespoon or two of cranberry juice cocktail concentrate in the bottom of a champagne flute. Top with a nice, but not extravagant sparkling wine (something very slightly on the sweet side works best, but anything will do, as long as you’d drink it straight). Garnish with sugared cranberries, if desired. Pretty, easy, and yummy.