• Wed, Nov 6 - 4:00 pm ET

Cheatsgiving: 10 Reasons Why You Need To Borrow A Baby For Thanksgiving

Sorry all of you childless by choice people and all of you people who haven’t had children yet, but you may want to borrow a baby to lug to your Thanksgiving celebration, especially if it involves going to a gathering of relatives you can’t stand. I love the holidays, but even as someone who loves the holidays I can admit there are always people around who drive me bonkers. Babies are pretty much the best built-in excuse you can possibly imagine, in almost any circumstance. This is why.

Drunk Uncle Gets Drunk And Starts Ranting About Politics? 

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Baby needs a diaper change.

Distant Cousin Starts Telling You How Her Baby Was Crawling At Four Months? 

Baby needs a nap.

 Weird Aunt Asks Why You Are Still Breastfeeding? 

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Actually, you should go find someplace quiet to feed the baby now.

Sister-In-Law Suggests You Are Spoiling The Baby By Holding It Too Much?

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Oops, you promised your dad you would let him hold the baby.

 Great Aunt Asks Why You Haven’t Had Another One Yet?

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Uh-oh, there’s that diaper again.

 Brother Suggests You Need To ‘Toughen’ The Baby Up? 

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Uh oh, baby must be hungry again.

 Someone Tries To Offer You Weird Food That You Have No Interest In Trying?

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Oh, now it’s your mom’s turn to hold the baby better go find her!

Grandparents Exclaim The Baby Is Too Cold? 

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You better go find that sweater. That is in your diaper bag. That is in another room. Away from everyone. And very hard to find.

 Someone Suggests You Help Clean Up While The Men Watch Football? 

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Oops, another diaper!

Young Relatives Want You To Play Beer Pong In The Basement?

183870357 Now it’s time for someone else to hold the baby.

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(All images: getty)

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  • Holiday Beer > Holiday Cheer

    But what if you’re usually the drunk one? I’m asking for a friend.

  • Alex

    Um, half of these “circumstances” are the direct result of having a baby (around a gathering of relatives you can’t stand) at Thanksgiving to begin with…

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      we need details of this

    • Alex

      Nobody would ask why you are still breastfeeding… if you hadn’t brought a baby with you (to breastfeed or not).

      Nobody would suggest you are spoiling the baby by holding it too much… if you hadn’t brought a baby with you (no matter how often you hold it).

      Nobody would ask you why you haven’t had another one yet… if you hadn’t brought a baby with you (although they still might ask you why you haven’t had one yet).

      Nobody would suggest you need to “toughen” the baby up… if you
      hadn’t brought a baby with you.

      Nobody would exclaim the baby is too cold… if you hadn’t brought a baby with you (no matter how cold/warm the baby actually is).

      The point is that people without children wouldn’t be facing any of those circumstances, and so would need no excuses. Bringing children helps creates the above problems that they “solve”.

    • LJ

      Just replace “baby” with “wine” and ta-da! Problem Solved.
      “Great Aunt wants to know why you haven’t had another?” Hear! Hear Auntie…I better get on that.
      “SIL suggests your spoiling the wine by holding it too much” Impossible There’s none left to spoil. *hiccup*

    • LJ

      Also, although I comment a lot about my sweet sweet relationship with wine. I swear I’m not drunk all the time. Honest……

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      No, then it would be blah blah when will you settle down blah blah when will you have a baby blah blah when will you get help for your meth addiction

    • Guest

      I dont need the meth, okay?! It needs me!

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      You used this same excuse when we were all on Intervention with you, okay?!

  • Alex Lee

    I want Grandpa’s necktie. It looks like Salvador Dali’s uncooked bacon.

  • Tea

    You just reminded me why we stay in on thanksgiving and have steak, or make a group meal with friends, now we just have an excuse of being really far from home.

    Oh, family, you make me drink.

  • CMJ

    This is why I stay away from certain states on Thanksgiving.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      You mean my state? :(

    • CMJ

      I would never need a baby at your house. Just wine and Rock Band.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Baily’s

  • Jenni

    Another great way to get out of conversation is to announce that you’re having a surprise baby. Use everyone’s shocked silence to leave.

  • NotTakenNotAvailable

    I don’t help with the dishes because I’m usually too busy watching football and playing beer pong. These are usually the same reasons why everyone’s silently and miserably accepted that I’ll never be mature and feminine enough to find a baby daddy, so win-win!

  • Rachel Sea

    This is why my family does a formal Thanksgiving dinner. No one is permitted at table unless they are dressed appropriately, in flannel jammies. Then after dinner we all pass out in front of the TV, which is probably playing Muppet Christmas Carol, until it’s time for pie. We’re so busy eating, and sleeping we scarcely say a word to each other.

  • Madame Ovaries

    Why IS it that grandparents always think the baby is cold?? Grandma, it’s 73 degrees in here and he is wearing long sleeves and socks. Are YOU cold? Do YOU need a hat?

  • DatNanny

    Where did you find all these pictures and descriptions of my relatives?

  • NicknamesAreDull

    My MIL liked to badger us about a second baby until my husband explained that he had a vasectomy, and went into great detail about the procedure.

    It was amazing.

  • doxgukka

    good thing about Australia – we only have one family function at the end of the year. xmas.

  • Julia Sonenshein

    I have to get one.

  • Jallun-Keatres

    I love my [mom's side of the] family. I only wish I could have thxgvn with them but we’re the ones who moved out of state… :( It’s always been the 4 of us and used to be my grandparents too. I miss it… :(

  • Aussiemum

    We only do Christmas lunch in our family. And if you show up without a bottle of alcohol to drink, never mind cause there’s already your favourite bottle under the tree from mum and dad. I think our parents try to get us tipsy so that we end up saying, “fuck it, we’re sleeping over” get out the blow up mattresses and carry on.
    My mum wishes we would do thanksgiving here, and so makes enough food for both holidays, and expects us to eat it all in one day. But there’s only so much food you can cram into a 6 yr old.
    As for the cleaning up, I’ve so far gotten out of having to actually wash the dishes for 4 years running. I’m all for stacking and tidying up. But I’m sure my sister is obsessed with washing the dirty dishes of 20 people, so looks like I might get 5 years in a row!