I love newborns. I love their sleepiness and squishiness and I love how they all look slightly weird, like miniature old men. But I have to say that I find conventional newborn portrait photography really, really, really freaky. All the nakedness, all the oversize hats, all the weird stylized accessories and poses. Why do people want photographs in which their baby is basically depicted as a strange alien doll and/or prop? I don’t understand it! To wit, here are 13 WTF-worthy newborn portraits. Plenty of cute babies, plenty of questionable parent/photographer decision-making.
Confused, Vaguely Christmas Baby
This baby is sitting, naked, in a nest of oversize shiny cranberries (Christmas balls?). She looks thrilled!
Oh, here’s a random baby that just washed up on this rocky shore! And it looks TOTALLY safe for him or her to be there, balanced precariously near running water!
Photo: Brandonmulnix via Flickr
Gotta start that princess obsession early! Side note: I know that they Photoshop out the hands that support the baby’s heads in these kinds of shots, but I every time I see one of these kinds of photos I’m still like “Newborns can’t do that! That’s not ok! SUPPORT THE HEAD!”
Photo: Emily Starling Photography
Moonlight Sonata Baby
This one is just weird.
Photo: Muriel215 via Flickr
Baby In A Bag
I will never ever ever understand what is cute about dangling a very new human in a loosely knitted bag. Why is this a thing?
Scariest Stuffed Turtle In The World
This is just fucking creepy. This is the one that’s going to haunt me in my dreams.
Photo: Marcia Shields via Flickr
Cultural appropriation AND awkward posing!
Photo: MimiLACreations on Etsy
Stacked Dr. Seuss Baby
I get the desire to start them reading early, but….
Photo: Rock Rose Photography
I’ll Never Let You Out Of My Sight + Baby
Cute baby with scarily overprotective dad.
Photo: Jug Jones via Flickr
Basketball Pillow Baby
This isn’t that terrible, I guess, but I still think it looks really uncomfortable.
Photo: FrankGuido via Flickr
Baby In A Bag II
Again with the bag. WHY? Seriously, why? Can someone explain to me why?
Photo: Brandonmulnix on Flickr
Sure, you want to show off your baby, but you also want to show off…your abs?
Photo: Photosavvy via Flickr
Buried Treasure Baby
“No, I didn’t push this baby out of my vagina, I actually just dug it up on the beach!” Also, I can’t with the wig.
Photo: Hushabye Photography
Go Pats! Baby
I hope this baby turns into a person who hates football.
If you want to pay a few hundred bucks to immortalize your naked baby in contrived poses with corny props, by all means, go ahead. But I’ll be immortalizing mine with a series of photos that looks much more like the one below:
Normal Family Being Normal With Normal Baby In Normal Environment
Photo: Joe Wunderlick via Flickr