• Mon, Nov 4 - 1:00 pm ET

Anonymous Mom: I Had To Fight My Boyfriend And His Parents NOT To Have An Abortion

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Anonymous Mom is a weekly column of motherhood confessions, indiscretions, and parental shortcomings selected by Mommyish editors. Under this anonymous byline, readers can share their own stories, secrets, and moments of weakness with complete anonymity.

Here on Mommyish and everywhere else on the web, we often hear about cases of women who have their rights to an abortion taken away from them. For whatever reason a woman might choose to put an end to the life of her unborn fetus, I firmly believe that it’s no one’s business what her choice may be. Only the person involved knows whether or not this choice is right for them. I also believe that having an abortion should be an exception, and that the consequences of having the child should outweigh the consequences of having an abortion.

Yet, never did I imagine that the day would come where I would have to fight my boyfriend and his family for the right to keep my unborn child.

I am already a mother. I am in my thirties. I have a good paying job, a loving boyfriend, and a very decent life. My boyfriend and I have always talked about having more than one child, although if we could have chosen, it wouldn’t have happened so soon…

A few days before my daughter’s first birthday however, after racking my brain trying to figure out why I was feeling so nauseated and tired, I began to suspect that I was pregnant again. Since we live in a small condo and his parents were staying with us, I asked my boyfriend to come into the bathroom with me, closed the door, and shared my fears with him. “I don’t care if you are or not, but one thing for sure is that we’re not keeping it” is the only thing that came out of his mouth that night.

I could not help but stare back at him half incredulously and half calmly, knowing that this was nor the time or the place to have this conversation. I told him that the next morning, I would do a test, and then we could talk about it.

Our fears became reality when the little blue line turned into a cross sign. Back into the bathroom we went, and my boyfriend repeated the same thing. I felt crushed – both because I wasn’t ready to have a second child right at that moment, but also because I hated feeling like we were on opposite ends of what will never be a fair debate. Yet, for me, it has been clear for years. Abortion just can’t be an option for me unless my child has a genetic disorder that would cause him or her pain and suffering.

When my boyfriend and I started talking about pregnancy and children about 2 years ago, I had already made my position clear. I explained to him that, considering my professional status, my relationship status, the country we live in, and our financial situation, I just couldn’t live with myself if I were to have an abortion. At the time, he didn’t quite understand my position, but he respected it. It just encouraged him to use better contraception!!

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  • Cee

    Wow. This is a tough one, especially because your boyfriend and you have stayed together. Usually, when we hear of these type of stories it is because the man/significant other has chosen to not be part of a relationship. I hope your boyfriend continues to accept and embrace your decision.

    Also, not to nitpick but men AND women can see abortion as birth control. I have met women that treat it that way.

  • pineapples

    Good for you! If things don’t get better I would go to couples counseling, that is an issue I would want resolved and settled before the child could ever understand. My husband and I have had this argument before we had kids (pregnancy scare while dating) he too could not accept “I’ll listen to your side but its my decision”

    I DO feel women should have the right to choose it’s our bodies BUT I do not think I could have had an abortion in your situation.

  • FF4life

    Nauseous. Nauseous and tired.

    • Elisianna

      Nauseated*

    • Elisianna

      Nauseated*

    • Anonymous mom

      Yes, thank you. I realized this after having wrote the post at midnight… :S

    • Anonymous mom

      Yes, thank you. I realized this after having wrote the post at midnight… :S

  • LadyClodia

    I’m glad you and your boyfriend have been able to work through things and are getting on the right track before the baby is born.
    I understand, though; I’m pro-choice but I don’t think that I’d ever be able to have an abortion unless the fetus had serious health problems. And, thankfully, barring some weird circumstances, I don’t think I’ll ever have to deal with that.
    I guess I’m a little confused why your boyfriend seemed so blindsided and offended that you wouldn’t have an abortion even after you had told him how you felt about it before. And his parents were completely out of line in trying to convince you or flat out telling you to have an abortion. Maybe it was a common thing for the women in his family to do, and that was their choice. Everyone is different and we react to situations in different ways, and I think being pro-choice means that we have to respect other women’s choices too, but it doesn’t seem like your boyfriend’s family was willing to do that which is sad.
    Best wishes for you and your growing family!

  • LadyClodia

    I’m glad you and your boyfriend have been able to work through things and are getting on the right track before the baby is born.
    I understand, though; I’m pro-choice but I don’t think that I’d ever be able to have an abortion unless the fetus had serious health problems. And, thankfully, barring some weird circumstances, I don’t think I’ll ever have to deal with that.
    I guess I’m a little confused why your boyfriend seemed so blindsided and offended that you wouldn’t have an abortion even after you had told him how you felt about it before. And his parents were completely out of line in trying to convince you or flat out telling you to have an abortion. Maybe it was a common thing for the women in his family to do, and that was their choice. Everyone is different and we react to situations in different ways, and I think being pro-choice means that we have to respect other women’s choices too, but it doesn’t seem like your boyfriend’s family was willing to do that which is sad.
    Best wishes for you and your growing family!

    • BBJim’s Mam

      I second EVERY thing you said. Brain clone.

    • SarahJesness

      Yeah, I also thought it was kind of weird that he reacted like that. Maybe he thought she would change her mind when the time actually came. Lots of people who think they’d know what to choose in the case of an unwanted pregnancy sometimes find themselves questioning that when the time actually comes.

    • SarahJesness

      Yeah, I also thought it was kind of weird that he reacted like that. Maybe he thought she would change her mind when the time actually came. Lots of people who think they’d know what to choose in the case of an unwanted pregnancy sometimes find themselves questioning that when the time actually comes.

  • alice

    i’ve read this twice, and still can’t figure out what would make your father-in-law say that. i need to see his reasoning, because otherwise, i find myself wishing horrible horrible things upon him and his wife. things you can’t say on an internet forum.

    not that there’s EVER an excuse for what he said to you. but at least to know that he wasn’t the evil piece of shit that i currently believe he is.

    congrats on your pregnancy btw. in one/three/five/fifteen years, neither of you will remember the reasons you had today for waiting “a few more months”

    • Anonymous Mom

      Um… Yeah I think he was acting quite shitty too to be quite honest. What he said was that it was just too soon after baby number one, and that his son was tired. He was basing his observations on the fact that for half of the time they were there, I was exhausted and nauseous and perhaps not pulling my weight as much as he would have liked. Then again, he comes from a very traditional family with strict gender roles and his wife does all of the cooking and cleaning. Perhaps he was looking at the situation through that lens? Also, his wife and him worked extremely hard well into their late 30s before having kids, working many jobs, long hours (they had their own businesses). They had their abortion when his wife was in her early thirties I think (before having both their children), and did it because they were overworked and underpaid. I think that this situation just affected him personally and he was taking out his anger at the situation on me.

      After putting up my limits, he backed off, but then started talking about their upbringings and quite honestly it had nothing to do with our situation and I feel like he was just making it about himself once again.

      My father-in-law is a very sensitive man. I just thinks that he has his own demons, and when something reminds him of them, he just reacts way too strongly… Does that make sense?

      But to be honest, right now I’m wondering how I’ll handle them being around my second born child, knowing that they urged me to abort. I hope that I’ll get over it and not let it affect their relationship with the child… but right now I’m still a bit bitter…

    • Anonymous Mom

      Um… Yeah I think he was acting quite shitty too to be quite honest. What he said was that it was just too soon after baby number one, and that his son was tired. He was basing his observations on the fact that for half of the time they were there, I was exhausted and nauseous and perhaps not pulling my weight as much as he would have liked. Then again, he comes from a very traditional family with strict gender roles and his wife does all of the cooking and cleaning. Perhaps he was looking at the situation through that lens? Also, his wife and him worked extremely hard well into their late 30s before having kids, working many jobs, long hours (they had their own businesses). They had their abortion when his wife was in her early thirties I think (before having both their children), and did it because they were overworked and underpaid. I think that this situation just affected him personally and he was taking out his anger at the situation on me.

      After putting up my limits, he backed off, but then started talking about their upbringings and quite honestly it had nothing to do with our situation and I feel like he was just making it about himself once again.

      My father-in-law is a very sensitive man. I just thinks that he has his own demons, and when something reminds him of them, he just reacts way too strongly… Does that make sense?

      But to be honest, right now I’m wondering how I’ll handle them being around my second born child, knowing that they urged me to abort. I hope that I’ll get over it and not let it affect their relationship with the child… but right now I’m still a bit bitter…

    • alice

      Thanks for clarifying. He doesn’t sound as evil now. But perhaps like someone who will never fully believe that either you or his son are capable of making your own adult decisions.

      Having had an abortion myself, I can understand the impulse to proselytize how much easier it would be to simply have an abortion and move on with your life. *It’ll be like nothing happened!*

      Perhaps they’re coming from that place. But: unless you have given them the impression that YOU REALLY DON’T WANT THIS CHILD, they have no business at all trying to sell you an abortion. It’s repulsive.

      The decision is between you and your boyfriend. GL

    • Ptownsteveschick

      My own mom told me that I wasn’t financially ready to have a baby and I should get an abortion. Now she loves her granddaughter more than anything and I think that if I brought it up to her she would definitely regret saying it. It took her about half my pregnancy to actually get excited, and I was very wary of how she would act once the baby was born. I think sometimes people say things in the heat of the moment that they regret, which may be the situation here as well. I hope everything works out for all of you.

    • kugolik

      It’s awesome that you empathize so much with your boyfriend and his family, but you should never be made to feel that you “went over his/their head” to make this decision. It is ultimately your decision, because ultimately that baby is inside you. THAT is something that I think people tend to gloss over too much. I get that yes he will have to raise the child too, and yes his family is just looking out for him, but where is *their* empathy?

    • Anonymous Mom

      Thank you for this. It’s something we’ve discussed on here before: what about the man? And then and even now, I agreed that it’s not an easy thing to slice either way… I agree 100% that a man should have a say. However, I also know myself and how I would react to an abortion, which is different from others. I’m not more right or wrong than anyone else because of the way I feel about abortion.

      The thing is, we can all say “let’s discuss this before any of this happens” or “use better contraception”. We did both of these. However, accidents are known to happen sometimes, even with the best prevention. And in the heat of the moment, under the stress of his life, I don’t think neither my boyfriend nor I could have predicted this reaction. I think that’s what caught me so offguard. NEVER would I have imagined such a flippant response from the lot of them, because they are truly and genuinely good and compassionate people in their daily lives.

      I think that’s why I’ve made such an effort to reflect on this and make sense of it. Because at the end of the day, they are my family and they LOVE my daughter with their entire beings.

      But yes. It’s my body and I will never do something that will knowingly harm me permanently when there are other solutions. Considering my boyfriend and I considered other solutions and deemed them acceptable, it’s a situation that has ended relatively well.

    • kugolik

      It’s so awesome that you are engaging in this conversation! Stories like yours are important. I have thought about it a lot and I honestly don’t know if I would ever choose abortion, but I recognize that it is my right to choose, and can imagine how painful of a decision it would be…and to add to that the negative emotions of others, who might not be as well-equipped to handle it….well that just makes it more painful. You’re right, what matters now is that your child will be loved, but it’s so great that you chose to share this story of how you got there, and I hope it was cathartic for you!

  • Magrat

    Nauseated, or, if you must, nauseous. You weren’t emitting a toxic gas (I hope).

    Also, if my boyfriend thought he could give me orders about my body like that, we would be in counselling the next day. It’s one thing to say, “I really don’t think we should do this,” but “You have to get an abortion and if you disagree it’s because you don’t respect my opinion” is a giant red flag to me.

    • BBJim’s Mam

      Yea, that would have been a deal breaker for me. I probably would have left him and taken my first born with me.
      Besides who was the the boyfriend’s dad to say how soon is too soon? That is between her and her OB.

  • Rochelle

    In regards to your boyfriend feeling as though you went over his head and didn’t give him any input, I think that is ridiculous! You told him your position on abortion before the situation happened. Also, you both wanted the opposite outcome, one of you was going to get your way and the other wasn’t. He couldn’t possibly think it would be better if you were to be pressured into an abortion you didn’t want.

  • TngldBlue

    I am trying to put myself in your shoes as my husband and I are on opposite sides of the “should we have another child” debate and I can see this being his reaction. Just thinking about the resulting uproar hurt my heart so I can only imagine what the reality must be like for you. I think this is a situation that in every which way is just going to take time. I hope that this makes your relationship with both your boyfriend and his parents stronger in the long run. I also hope you talk to the in laws about their reaction at some point when emotions have cooled, you didn’t deserve that and I can see it becoming a real wedge if it’s not addressed.

  • meteor_echo

    Okay, this is going to be a long comment, and I’m bracing myself for possible hate-o-rade that might start pouring on me after I post it.
    A choice goes both ways. A woman should not be forced to carry an unwanted child, or a child that might be born with health conditions and malformities that will turn its life into constant suffering. A woman should also not be forced to undergo an abortion if she doesn’t want to. This is what pro-choice it – it is giving the freedom to each individual woman,so that she could pick what’s best for her.
    I’m annoyed by both your boyfriend and in-laws. You have spoken to your boyfriend about your views on abortion before, and you have fully disclosed the fact that you would not terminate a pregnancy if it were to happen. He seriously should have considered that before choosing to stay with you (or could have left if your views were not something he’d want from a partner). He really should stick to his decision to stay with you – or quit and pay child support if he does not want to deal with a second child that much.
    BUT.
    In your article you write about not judging people for their choices – yet you judge both your mother-in-law and sister-in-law for not thinking out the idea of abortion? Seriously? You’re doing the exact same thing that you don’t want them to do to you. And it seems to me that you do not understand two things:

    1) Abortion isn’t a great tragedy to all women, and it IS a form of birth control. It makes you un-pregnant – isn’t that the definition of what birth control really is? Just because you do not think it should be that way for you doesn’t mean that you can hoist your own opinion upon other women. It doesn’t work like that.
    2) Are you really thinking that your MIL and SIL ~just had an abortion without thinking of it~? Do you perhaps not think that for them, the feeling of being pregnant might have had absolutely different connotations than for you? You tell us about your view of pregnancy, but perhaps for them, the fetus was not an unborn child. It might have felt like an unwelcome guest, an intruder, a potential danger to their own health and sanity – and it is a terrible, soul-sucking feeling (which I know). For some women, abortion can be a way to get out of a trap, which is what pregnancy feels for them.
    Overall, I am on your side in this situation, but you have your own flippant moments which I really, really cannot pat you on the head for. Think of it what you might.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Thank you so much for saying what I was thinking but much more eloquently!

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Thank you so much for saying what I was thinking but much more eloquently!

    • meteor_echo

      I think I’ve been bitten by the eloquence monster today. Usually I can’t really pin those slightly bugging issues down, but I guess that even a broken clock shows the right time twice a day :)

    • CMJ

      Yep. You said what I couldn’t put into words.

    • Ashley

      Thank you for putting my thoughts into words in a very calm and intelligent manner. I had a hard time reading this story for exactly the points you brought up.

    • keelhaulrose

      No hate coming from here. I think you have the perfect response.
      While I don’t doubt there are women who treat the decision to abort as flippantly as choosing if they want chicken or steak for dinner, most women do not make the decision lightly. It’s a long, difficult, heartbreaking debate with no good answer. And it should only be up to that woman in the end. If a partner pushes for an abortion, she has the right to have the baby if she desires.

    • Anonymous Mom

      I didn’t say that they didn’t think about it. I said their reasons don’t concern me and to my boyfriend, it seemed that they did it with little emotion. It’s his perception of their abortions that is problematic to me. In his mind, they did what they had to do very proactively and got over it.

      However, the fact that his mom brushed off the procedure did concern me too. In the moment, I told her that I was aware of her abortion, and wasn’t there to judge her decision to abort. I said that it was a personal decision. As much as it was a personal decision to them, it was a personal decision to me. It is then that she said to me that it’s not even a real abortion, it’s like an aspiration.

      Then again, my MIL is not the emotive type who will lay out her emotions on her sleeve. I understand what contributed to my boyfriend’s reaction. I just don’t agree with it.

      As for the contraception comment, I didn’t mean to insult anyone. What I’m saying is that some people DON’T consider the emotional tole it might take on the person involved – often times the partner or family of the person. They seem to see it as an easy shmeezy fix. I still think it’s a minority. But some of that minority seems to be in my family.

    • Anonymous Mom

      And when I say that it’s not my concern (their reasons), I mean it out of sensitivity, not as being flippant. I respect their reasons NOT to want to tell me.

    • meteor_echo

      But why are you bothered by the idea that your MIL and SIL could have chosen an abortion proactively, gone through it without much heartbreak and suffering, then gotten over it easily? What exactly in this notion bothers you?
      There is this innate idea that an abortion is always a horrible, mind-shattering thing that does not come easily, but takes a lot of time to ponder and that stays with you forever. For some women, it is true, but it is absolutely not your place to think that it is such for all women. Even if both of those ladies went through an abortion like one might go through a haircut, why are you being so judgy about it? People are different. Nobody here is blaming you for wanting to keep your child – then why are you blaming them (and yes, you are) for apparently not attaching any significance to their unwanted pregnancies? You may consider their opinion on abortion a “minority”, but, just like they have to deal with yours – pull up your pants and deal with theirs.
      At the end of the day, they cannot force you to rid of your pregnancy. Is the rest of it being worth the judgment?

    • meteor_echo

      But why are you bothered by the idea that your MIL and SIL could have chosen an abortion proactively, gone through it without much heartbreak and suffering, then gotten over it easily? What exactly in this notion bothers you?
      There is this innate idea that an abortion is always a horrible, mind-shattering thing that does not come easily, but takes a lot of time to ponder and that stays with you forever. For some women, it is true, but it is absolutely not your place to think that it is such for all women. Even if both of those ladies went through an abortion like one might go through a haircut, why are you being so judgy about it? People are different. Nobody here is blaming you for wanting to keep your child – then why are you blaming them (and yes, you are) for apparently not attaching any significance to their unwanted pregnancies? You may consider their opinion on abortion a “minority”, but, just like they have to deal with yours – pull up your pants and deal with theirs.
      At the end of the day, they cannot force you to rid of your pregnancy. Is the rest of it being worth the judgment?

    • Anonymous Mom

      Glad you wrote back. I wrote my response before you actually worded yours. Hope it helps.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Yeah, I don’t get why every abortion needs to be some big dramatic thing. A person with whom I am very close had an abortion as a teenager. She has zero regrets. She said it was one of the best decisions she’s ever made. She has two kids now and is an amazing mother. She said she didn’t agonize over it; she didn’t want to be pregnant anymore, so she did what she needed to do in order to not be pregnant anymore.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Yeah, I don’t get why every abortion needs to be some big dramatic thing. A person with whom I am very close had an abortion as a teenager. She has zero regrets. She said it was one of the best decisions she’s ever made. She has two kids now and is an amazing mother. She said she didn’t agonize over it; she didn’t want to be pregnant anymore, so she did what she needed to do in order to not be pregnant anymore.

    • Cee

      I once had a conversation with someone I was dating about abortion and she said something along the lines about women being able to get an abortion for reasons other than rape, physical abnormalities and incest only if they felt “really bad” about it afterwards. Like, live their whole life wallowing, regretting and wondering what could have been. I was like “WTF?! WHY?!” Why should a woman always feel bad all her life for this decision in order to make it acceptable?

    • Cee

      I once had a conversation with someone I was dating about abortion and she said something along the lines about women being able to get an abortion for reasons other than rape, physical abnormalities and incest only if they felt “really bad” about it afterwards. Like, live their whole life wallowing, regretting and wondering what could have been. I was like “WTF?! WHY?!” Why should a woman always feel bad all her life for this decision in order to make it acceptable?

    • meteor_echo

      Yeesh. If someone said this shit to me, I’d run from them like my ass was on fire.

    • kugolik

      She’s not bothered by their proactive decision to choose abortion without heartbreak, I don’t think. If you read her additional comments, she’s simply bothered by the fact that because the MIL and SIL apparently did not have an emotional experience with abortion (or at least did not express those emotions to their son/brother) the boyfriend in this situation seemed to assume that his girlfriend would act the same way. I really think you are just misunderstanding her argument, she is dealing with their opinion and respecting it, it’s the affect that their opinion had on her boyfriend — through no fault of their owon — that is bothersome for her. Anonymous Mom, correct me if I’m wrong though.

    • kugolik

      She’s not bothered by their proactive decision to choose abortion without heartbreak, I don’t think. If you read her additional comments, she’s simply bothered by the fact that because the MIL and SIL apparently did not have an emotional experience with abortion (or at least did not express those emotions to their son/brother) the boyfriend in this situation seemed to assume that his girlfriend would act the same way. I really think you are just misunderstanding her argument, she is dealing with their opinion and respecting it, it’s the affect that their opinion had on her boyfriend — through no fault of their owon — that is bothersome for her. Anonymous Mom, correct me if I’m wrong though.

    • meteor_echo

      Why is she backhandedly blaming them, though? It’s the boyfriend’s issue, yet the women in his life are at fault, apparently.

    • kugolik

      I don’t really read any of it as blaming them, honestly. It feels more to me like she wrote this as a way to sort of think/write out the whole thing and try to make it make sense to herself. So in the part where she says “I get the sense that neither or them took the time to talk about how they felt about the procedure – only that they had it done,” I read that as her just trying to justify why her boyfriend had the reaction he did, just because his experience with abortion hadn’t included such an emotional response. I don’t think she’s judging them for not being more emotional, just stating that they weren’t, so maybe that explains her boyfriend’s behavior.

    • meteor_echo

      Why is it their fault that the boyfriend acted like he did? I’d put the onus on the boyfriend himself – he’s more than capable of researching the question if he wants to.

    • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

      No one is saying it’s their “fault”. It is just a suspicion about how he *perceived* their experiences. They don’t really have any control over his perceptions, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them.

    • Anonymous Mom

      Here’s a distinction to make: I didn’t appreciate his mom’s comments in regards to my current pregnancy. Not because of her own abortion. And I don’t blame them – like I said, it’s not anyone’s business why they had an abortion. There really isn’t anyone to blame in this situation… But the consequence of it is that my boyfriend assumed that I would go through a procedure without much thought, when I had expressed otherwise before we even tried to have a child intentionally. The fact that his family didn’t ever communicate anything else about the abortions I think just led him to think that it’s not a big deal.

    • meteor_echo

      *sigh*
      Why do you keep thinking that he’s acted like that because of the abortions in his family? It really feels to me like you’re mixing up correlation and causation here.

    • Anonymous Mom

      You know meteor_echo, you don’t have to agree with me, but this is the situation as I perceive it. Like I said, there is no one to blame. And yes, I could always be wrong.

    • alice

      i’d give her a bit of a break here. if you feel like both your boyfriend and his father are ganging up on you about having an abortion, and both of them have (second hand) experience with the procedure, i think it’s fair and natural to feel that their (second hand) experience might be coloring their opinions.

      for example: my father and brother’s have all had vasectomies immediately after reaching their “target family number.” if/when i was ever trying to persuade my husband to have a vasectomy, i’m sure he would feel (rightly so) that my family experience has influenced me.

    • Annona

      Because, maybe, he can’t have an abortion. He has no idea what it might involve or how it might feel. And whether his mother and sister felt some emotional disturbance from having it or not, they chose not to share their feelings with him. So he’s basing his idea that it’s no big deal on the reactions of the two women he knows who have had abortions. Who may, in fact, not think it’s a big deal because sometimes it really is not. But he’s applying their experience to his significant other, who has already expressed to him that for her it WOULD be a big deal. I can see how that would be frustrating. Most people base their opinions on issues based on what they know; if my mother and my sister had both had abortions and told me it was no big deal, I might assume this to be true for all women, and then accuse my significant other of being a drama queen for feeling differently than them. Bottom line, what the ACTUAL FUCK business was it of either of his parents, anyway? The person who has the uterus gets to decide, with input from the father in some cases. It’s not a family meeting topic.

    • Annona

      Because, maybe, he can’t have an abortion. He has no idea what it might involve or how it might feel. And whether his mother and sister felt some emotional disturbance from having it or not, they chose not to share their feelings with him. So he’s basing his idea that it’s no big deal on the reactions of the two women he knows who have had abortions. Who may, in fact, not think it’s a big deal because sometimes it really is not. But he’s applying their experience to his significant other, who has already expressed to him that for her it WOULD be a big deal. I can see how that would be frustrating. Most people base their opinions on issues based on what they know; if my mother and my sister had both had abortions and told me it was no big deal, I might assume this to be true for all women, and then accuse my significant other of being a drama queen for feeling differently than them. Bottom line, what the ACTUAL FUCK business was it of either of his parents, anyway? The person who has the uterus gets to decide, with input from the father in some cases. It’s not a family meeting topic.

    • meteor_echo

      It was none of his parents’ business.

      However, he is capable of researching questions he’s interested in, instead of just taking the view of his family. For some reason my pro-life grandmother and I’ll-kill-you-if-you-have-an-abortion mother didn’t stop be from being pro-choice. The dude is an adult, he has internet, and he could listen to his girlfriend when they just started a relationship.

    • ElleJai

      The assumption you’re making here is that he’s interested. I get the impression that he knows it exists and gets you conveniently un-pregnant (to invent a word), but hasn’t studied the ramifications beyond that.

      Perhaps he feels he knows enough, perhaps that’s the pertinent information he needs to know (since he’s not likely to ever undergo it), perhaps his family’s experience has coloured his perception.

      We’re not him, Anon is not him, so we can only use our best guess. Our best guesses differ because we’re looking through different paradigms. It’s like Schroedinger’s cat- the only way we’ll get the answer is by opening the box (asking him).

    • meteor_echo

      You’re right about that. I suppose that it’s the idea of the author blaming her man’s behavior on the women in his life that makes me uncomfortable (tangential sexism, I guess?).

    • meteor_echo

      You’re right about that. I suppose that it’s the idea of the author blaming her man’s behavior on the women in his life that makes me uncomfortable (tangential sexism, I guess?).

    • anonymous mom

      Meteor, you know I love you, but please get off that train of yours that’s bent on using the word blame. I’m not BLAMING anyone.

      My boyfriend is not a researching type. He goes by what he knows. He’s not an academic, he hates reading, barely uses the internet.

      Perhaps I know him more than you. And that i’m not a tangential sexist. Perhaps I just know that my boyfriend develops his thoughts and feelings of life events on his personal experience.

      And when we talk about abortion, he uses his mother and sister-and-law as examples to support his ideas. No one else. Nothing else.

      We often have debates where I try to push his ideas (about stuff other than abortion) further, but since he’s never encountered something, he comes out with some basic prejudicial stuff. But no, he won’t go out and “educate” himself about it.

      That’s the way he is. I’m annoyed by that side of his personality, and I love him for lots of other stuff.

      So please, turn the page on this, it’s getting annoying. After all of the explanations I’ve made, you might disagree with me, but just let it go.

    • anonymous mom

      Meteor, you know I love you, but please get off that train of yours that’s bent on using the word blame. I’m not BLAMING anyone.

      My boyfriend is not a researching type. He goes by what he knows. He’s not an academic, he hates reading, barely uses the internet.

      Perhaps I know him more than you. And that i’m not a tangential sexist. Perhaps I just know that my boyfriend develops his thoughts and feelings of life events on his personal experience.

      And when we talk about abortion, he uses his mother and sister-and-law as examples to support his ideas. No one else. Nothing else.

      We often have debates where I try to push his ideas (about stuff other than abortion) further, but since he’s never encountered something, he comes out with some basic prejudicial stuff. But no, he won’t go out and “educate” himself about it.

      That’s the way he is. I’m annoyed by that side of his personality, and I love him for lots of other stuff.

      So please, turn the page on this, it’s getting annoying. After all of the explanations I’ve made, you might disagree with me, but just let it go.

    • meteor_echo

      “Meteor, you know I love you, but please get off that train of yours that’s bent on using the word blame.”
      Puh-lease, stop with the slightly condescending familiarizing thing. It sounds fake at best and utterly crapsaccharine at worst.
      I am on your side in this situation, however, I start disliking you more and more as a person. Your boyfriend was in the wrong here, just like his father was, yet it feels to me that you are just trying to paint yourself as a morally superior person in the situation – when, in fact, it all comes to two people disagreeing with you on something and one of them changing his mind later. That’s all there is.

    • ElleJai

      I didn’t get the sense of it being a moral issue. What I read was tthat she was hurt by the attitudes of her boyfriend and his parents in minimising, not listening and not understanding (or possibly not wanting to understand) that for her, it IS a big deal.

      I’m extremely pro-choice and I don’t judge others for making whatever decision they feel is right for them and their existing family. I however (as an example) am the type of person who talks to their eggs and writes poetry to my yet-to-be-conceived children. So for me, once you’ve passed about 5 weeks, it’s a baby. Going by science that’s a collection of cells with the potential to become a baby, but in my head and heart, that’s my child. Blobby and alienesque, but my child.

      So for those of us who share that view of our wombs, it’s incredibly hurtful when others don’t want to understand. I wasn’t even pregnant yet but when my DH changed his mind about having a second child atm I cried for days and felt like he’d stolen my baby.

      So from this story I don’t get the impression of judgement, justthe confus ion and hurt that she’s working through in her writing. I’m not sure where you’re getting the sense of blame, although I find it intriguing that we get such different perceptions of the same situation.

      Also please excuse the spaces in odd places, my phoneis playi ng up and won’t let me edit. I’ll come back and fix it when I can get to the computer…

    • meteor_echo

      The eloquence monster chose you as its victim today :P
      I guess we really do perceive the situation differently – perhaps due to our completely different views on the issue. You are wording it much better than the author does, though, and your point comes across easily. I agree with you.

    • Anonymous mom

      exactly on point. Mea culpa for not have expressed that properly the first time.

    • Anonymous mom

      I’ve been thinking more about what you said and I wanted to clarify some more. There really isn’t a problem to me if someone has an abortion without much emotion either. Really to me, it’s to each their own. What hurt me was that my boyfriend assumed that I would do the same as what he perceived his family to have done with little to know emotional reaction. And since I had spoken of what abortion meant to me personally in the past, that is what hurt me the most. At the end of the day, his family’s decisions never really got an emotional response out of me. I respect them and their decisions. What I didn’t appreciate and didn’t seem to word properly in this blog post was my boyfriend’s response and how it affected me. Hope this helps understand a bit better.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      That helps clarify. I sort of see what you are saying. Thanks for clarifying.

    • alice

      it does help, and honestly, it makes me rage out at your bf more.

      you express concerns about how his parents will act towards baby #2 in the future, but what about him?

    • ElleJai

      My partner and I weren’t in a proper relationship when I fell pregnant, and while we’d vaguely discussed abortion, when it came down to it I told him that while I could make the appointment, and even attend, I just didn’t think I’d be able to go through with it. I decided I wanted to keep it and I offered him the choice of whether he wanted to opt in, and if so, how far in?

      Yet when we agreed to try for a second a few months ago, and there was a chance I was, he asked if I’d have an abortion. After the discussions that said I wasn’t ok with that for me personally.

      Luckily it turned out I wasn’t, but we had a new discussion regarding adding to the family. (Turns out we’re not yet). Honestly it felt so disrespectful and awful for my partner (and in this instance one who’d agreed to a new baby), who knew I don’t want am abortion, to suggest such a thing to me. If his parents had added in I would have lost it.  

      As in, out the door with my child that weekend. At least you’ve done the mature thing, discussed it and reached a compromise.

    • pixie

      Took the words right out of my mouth. Except I wouldn’t have been able to get the point across quite as well as you have.

    • alice

      i didn’t read it that way at all, which is interesting because i *AM* one of the people that feels a little flippant about abortion. i don’t think it’s a tragedy at all. in fact, i feel that those who seek tragedy in their own abortions are being a little too indulgent sometimes. so it’s really interesting to me that we had such a different read!

      i felt a strong sense of rage throughout the piece, directed heavily at her FiL and boyfriend. And when she spoke of “men don’t understand…they treat it like another form of birth control” i was right there with her. I didn’t see her as judging her MiL or SiL at all. When she said something about “they didn’t talk about how they felt” I read that as in relation to her boyfriend, furthering his position of “what’s the big deal?!?”

      even as someone who personally believes “what’s the big deal?!?” I would never ever foist that position on someone who believed abortion WAS a big deal.

    • Anonymous Mom

      Thanks. That’s exactly the way I meant it when I wrote it.

    • GenerikErik

      Wish I could double-like. This was pretty much exactly what I was going to say.

  • Evelyn

    I think your in-laws were very wrong to advise you so aggressively, in fact I think they were wrong to offer an opinion unless it can be in support of you both at all. I personally think that your boyfriend should not have been so autocratic in issuing orders on what to do and should not have put so much pressure on you to change your mind. I sympathise with him a little in that the decision you make will have a huge impact on his life too, but I think it is very, very wrong to bully or force a women to have an abortion, even from the father. I think he is entitled to have voiced his concerns and discussed it with you rationally but at the end of the day it is your womb in your body and he should have respected your final decision.

    I am sorry that your boyfriend and his family have made this situation more stressful for you. The only silver lining in the nasty way your in-laws spoke to you is that it seems to have opened your boyfriend’s eyes to how bullying and unsupportive he was initially and it appears to have improved his treatment of you and the bump a bit.

    Good luck with your pregnancy. No matter how your in-laws feel now I am sure they will love him or her when the baby is born.

  • Fabel

    Your boyfriend & his parents’ reactions were all totally horrible. I’m sorry you had to go through that— it’s never okay for anyone to pressure a woman to have an abortion, when she’s clearly stated her opposition to doing so. And although I’m pro-choice as one can be, I think I’d feel similarly to you if I were in the same position. I hope your boyfriend gets over feeling like you made a decision over his head.

  • http://anniedeezy.tumblr.com/ Annie

    I’m sorry you went through this and it pisses me off that their immediate reaction is that it’s the woman’s fault, but you’ve had this conversation with him before your second pregnancy and walked away from the encounter suggesting that he use more effective birth control.

    If at that moment it becomes clear that having another kid is going to crush his soul the same way getting an abortion will crush yours, why is that entirely his responsibility? It’s your body, but this will be his child as well. One of you should have made the decision to use foolproof birth control measures or walk away.

    I don’t take umbrage with your decision, but the way you voice the decision-making process and tell us a story in which these awful people were mean to you for no reason whatsoever is pretty lame. Men’s Rights douches will copypasta this and use it as hate fodder.

    • Anonymous Mom

      You’re making a huge assumption about my use of contraception… Fact is that we were very careful. One of the things that my boyfriend said at first was that it was impossible for me to be pregnant because of how careful we were.

    • Simone

      Lol, I knew a woman who became pregnant through a condom, a spermicide AND a contraceptive pill all used simultaneously. Fertile as the damned Nile.

    • Chrissy

      I know a woman JUST like that. Sometimes you can be literally as careful as possible short of abstinence and you’re getting knocked up. It’s writ in the stars and shiz.

    • Andrea

      How many women do we know who got pregnant after their husband’s had the big V? it happens. Like Chrissy said when it’s writ in the stars and shiz.
      I know women who got pregnant while on the pill, while on that thing they put under your skin, while using condoms, etc. Some of us are Fertile Mertyls.

    • CrazyLogic

      Question is…what it HER fertility or HIS that beat the birth control? Probably both, but a fun thing to debate sometimes in less serious situations.

      When my mother got pregnant unexpectedly with my oldest brother (and she was pregnant when the doctor TOLD her she was infertile…) everyone apparently blamed Dad. But it worked out because they wanted three of us anyways :P

    • CrazyLogic

      Question is…what it HER fertility or HIS that beat the birth control? Probably both, but a fun thing to debate sometimes in less serious situations.

      When my mother got pregnant unexpectedly with my oldest brother (and she was pregnant when the doctor TOLD her she was infertile…) everyone apparently blamed Dad. But it worked out because they wanted three of us anyways :P

    • http://anniedeezy.tumblr.com/ Annie

      I’m not making assumptions about your use of contraception. This sounds harsh, but when someone in the relationship has made it abundantly clear that pregnancy will absolutely ruin them, a decision has to be made to either completely eliminate the chance of that happening, leave the relationship, or discuss the issue in such a way that when or if it does happen, there’s a contingency plan.

      Again, their reaction really does suck and I hate that they were abusive to you, but the writing comes off as tossing the entirety of the blame in their laps.

    • http://anniedeezy.tumblr.com/ Annie

      I’m not making assumptions about your use of contraception. This sounds harsh, but when someone in the relationship has made it abundantly clear that pregnancy will absolutely ruin them, a decision has to be made to either completely eliminate the chance of that happening, leave the relationship, or discuss the issue in such a way that when or if it does happen, there’s a contingency plan.

      Again, their reaction really does suck and I hate that they were abusive to you, but the writing comes off as tossing the entirety of the blame in their laps.

    • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

      Nowhere in this article is it suggested that he “made it abundantly clear that pregnancy will ruin him”. There is nothing to imply here that when they had the conversation on the subject, she said “I will never have an abortion” and he said “I will want you to have an abortion”. According to this article, the problem wasn’t that he didn’t want to be a father, or that he didn’t want a second child. The timing of this pregnancy just didn’t fit his expectations. It interfered with his goals for what should happen when, and life has a way of doing that sometimes with or without pregnancy involved.

      And really, even if he *did* tell her upfront that if she got pregnant, he would want her to have an abortion, since *legally* the choice of whether to have that abortion is 100% hers, it *is* his responsibility if he chose to remain in the relationship and have sex with her. So, if she says “I will never have an abortion” and he says “I do not want children”, after that point, if he chooses to have sex with her, then he is by default accepting her terms because he has no valid way of controlling the outcome past his own genitalia.

  • yikes

    Can you imagine the impact on the childs life if he were to find out that not only did his father want him aborted but so didn’t his grandparents. The ramifications are terrifying.

    • CMJ
    • Annona

      I don’t think this is downvote worthy or eyeroll worthy. I think this is a real question with real validity. My husband was five when he overheard his mother telling one of her friends that his grandmother had begged her to abort him when she got pregnant (because she was unmarried and it was the sixties and oh no!) and as a man in his fifties it still bothers him. You shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the potential emotional impact of such a thing, as you probably have no fucking clue what it actually feels like.

    • meteor_echo

      I downvoted this and I do have a fucking clue. My mother once told me that she wished to have aborted me. I was like “Oh, okay, can’t help you with it twentysomething years later, sorry”. Wasn’t traumatized by it or anything.

    • Véronique Houde

      I think you have to stop assuming that your experiences and opinions are the only ones that are valid in this discussion.

    • meteor_echo

      Well, only after you stop assuming that everyone reacts to a certain event in the exact same manner. As long as people agree that it’s a personal tragedy, it’s okay, but whenever someone disagrees, everyone tries to shut this someone up.

    • justanothergirl

      Do you even know the meaning of the word hypocrit? I have seen you, meteor_echo, be so completely rude, dismissive and down right hateful to anyone who disagrees with your almighty opinion and you have the gall to say the above? I think you truly have a screw lose and why you come to a parenting site when you are pretty clear about never wanting to be a parent, is beyond me. And yeah, I know, you will shout me down too, but I am just tired of seeing you constantly spew your vitriol and nobody says anything.

    • meteor_echo

      Oh wow, I have my own personal hater now :) This is so sweet of you, I am going to print this comment out and frame it. Thank you, you made my evening.
      I’ve answered this before, but I see it bears repeating – I’m free to come to a parenting site because even a cat can look at the king, or, in non-quote words, just because I well damn can. Does the answer satisfy you, or should I procure something different? Anyway, I’m not leaving, so you might as well pull up your pants and enjoy the ride.
      And by the way, it’s “a screw loose”, with two Os. If you truly want to go to town on someone, it’s best to mind your spelling and syntaxis because it makes a huge difference.

      Anyway:
      http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8431/7876134674_b521c80333_z.jpg

    • justanothergirl

      Yup, you are so right. You have a personal hater. Not that you have someone who is calling you out on your constant shouting down of others opinions. Yeah, I misspelled a word. Big whoop. Also I don’t recall saying you can’t come here. I said I don’t fully understand why you would. But, what ever. And I should not have implied you are crazy, that was rude of me. You are just a mean person. Peace out

    • meteor_echo

      Now you can totally go and start a hate club – not that I’d mind at all. You’re cute and amusing.
      And of course I’m mean. As the matter of fact, I’m mean as fuck. Social niceties are not something that I owe people automatically, but it’s pretty sweet of you to assume that I should – it makes you that much more of a special little snowflake.
      Your “peace out” is a pretty good equivalent of a passive aggressive emoticon at the end of a bitchy message, too. You’re starting to get the whole “hater” thing better, this is definitely a progress.

    • meteor_echo

      Now you can totally go and start a hate club – not that I’d mind at all. You’re cute and amusing.
      And of course I’m mean. As the matter of fact, I’m mean as fuck. Social niceties are not something that I owe people automatically, but it’s pretty sweet of you to assume that I should – it makes you that much more of a special little snowflake.
      Your “peace out” is a pretty good equivalent of a passive aggressive emoticon at the end of a bitchy message, too. You’re starting to get the whole “hater” thing better, this is definitely a progress.

    • meteor_echo

      Now you can totally go and start a hate club – not that I’d mind at all. You’re cute and amusing.
      And of course I’m mean. As the matter of fact, I’m mean as fuck. Social niceties are not something that I owe people automatically, but it’s pretty sweet of you to assume that I should – it makes you that much more of a special little snowflake.
      Your “peace out” is a pretty good equivalent of a passive aggressive emoticon at the end of a bitchy message, too. You’re starting to get the whole “hater” thing better, this is definitely a progress.

    • justanothergirl

      My gosh, start a club dedicated to hating you??? Can I please please please? You are pretty sure of yourself there as to the level of your importance to my life. You are a hypocrite. Plain and simple. You say everybody can have a differing opinion, but having read several of your comments in several threads, that is not how you operate. You state your opinion, and anyone else be damned if they disagree. You then go on the attack until the other person backs down and stops commenting. You are rude and disrespectful of others and I never see anyone call you out on it. I did. I stand by it and you can be as condescending to me as you like with your little amusing gifs and calling me a special snowflake, whatever, I am not going to change my opinion. I will say this is most likely my last response, because frankly, you aren’t worthy of my time. I knew it was futile to engage you because you are a bully. And bullies don’t change. I am just thankful that this is the internet and that the chances are fairly small that I will ever have the experience of having to deal with you in the real world. Now go ahead, say your sarcastic oh so witty response and then go pick on Nybondlady some more.

    • meteor_echo

      Aww, so you’re a stalker too, as well as NYBondLady’s friend. I wonder if you realize that your little friend was harassing rape survivors and people on welfare to the point where some were genuinely upset and distressed, or whether you’re just deciding to omit it for convenience? But hey, I’m the big meanie here, you adorable hateful thing. Keep standing by it and you might even earn yourself a Don Quixote badge.
      Now shoo, go play with your rape apologist friend – preferably somewhere in The Stir comment section. You’ll most likely find some birds of a feather out there.

  • Rhy

    Well. .. forcing someone to have either a child or an abortion against their will is called reproductive coercion. It’s a horrible thing to do to a person. In this story there are two guilty parties. You obviously can’t force someone to abort, but forcing someone to be a father against their expressed wishes isn’t very decent either. The author did that to her boyfriend *twice*. The way I understand the story their first child was born after contraceptive failed, too. Could that be more than a coincidence?
    This lady obviously has a pattern of making huge life decisions such as when to have a child without any consideration for his opinion. I can understand why the man is annoyed. I am not saying that is justification for a forced abortion, just that the author is not doing the right thing by her boyfriend by being careless with birth control and that it’s sad she paints him as the bad guy in her story.

    • Anonymous mom

      No, you read completely wrong. Our first child was very much wanted.

    • Anonymous mom

      Also, if you read just one post down below, you will see that we were always very careful with contraception. Yet, nothing is 100% except for abstinence.

      I’m sorry if you think I’ve painted my boyfriend as a bad guy. I really don’t think he is. I was hurt and stunned by his reaction, and spent a few days trying to come to terms with it. Yet, I understand that it was a visceral and intense immediate reaction. Don’t think for a second that I am coercing him to keep the child. If that were the truth, one of us would have left the relationship. Yet, we both stayed because we both love each other and our family. We have not forced one or the other to do something. We came to a consensus – where both of us have to sacrifice something.

    • Anonymous mom

      Also, if you read just one post down below, you will see that we were always very careful with contraception. Yet, nothing is 100% except for abstinence.

      I’m sorry if you think I’ve painted my boyfriend as a bad guy. I really don’t think he is. I was hurt and stunned by his reaction, and spent a few days trying to come to terms with it. Yet, I understand that it was a visceral and intense immediate reaction. Don’t think for a second that I am coercing him to keep the child. If that were the truth, one of us would have left the relationship. Yet, we both stayed because we both love each other and our family. We have not forced one or the other to do something. We came to a consensus – where both of us have to sacrifice something.

    • alice

      “the author is not doing the right thing by her boyfriend by being careless with birth control” – waaaaat?

      that dude can go get himself a vasectomy if he feels so strongly, or keep it wrapped. BC is not just a female burden.

    • Simone

      The author is being careless with birth control? Is birth control only a woman’s responsibility, then?

      And how the hell would you know, based on one short written piece, anything about the author’s contraceptive practices?

      She doesn’t paint him as the bad guy at all. She describes his complex reactions to a complex situation, honestly and accurately.

      Finally, you can’t force someone to be a father against their wishes simply because men are able to leave if that is their choice. Pregnancy is a risk that all adults face when they are sexually active, and its consequences must be borne equally – except they’re not. The partner has the option of leaving, the woman does not.

    • Gangle

      So why is it only the womans responsibility to take care of birth control? Why isn’t the boyfriend more careful, if he so desperately wants to avoid an unwanted pregnancy?

  • TwentiSomething Mom

    Abortion is NOT birth control. Birth control keeps you from getting pregnant, abortion terminates a pregnancy. BIG difference.

    There is controversy, and who can say with certainty when a life begins? What constitutes life? Although I am pro-choice, I believe abortion should not be seen as just a regular procedure like a root canal or a pap smear. It is an unfortunate situation and a difficult decision that should not be treated lightly and shame on anyone that tries to make this woman feel as if she were not entitled to her feelings.

    • meteor_echo

      Birth control ultimately is what prevents birth. Pills and condoms do this at an earlier stage, abortions do it at a later stage. Same end result, after all, which is preventing you from having children.
      And why should abortion not be seen easily? Because a fetus is a potential human being? Your words go in both directions – shame on those who try to make the easy deciders feel as if they’re not entitled to their feelings.

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      Never said the “easy deciders” aren’t entitled to thinking an abortion is just a form of birth control or a simple procedure. Just said no one should make her feel because she wasn’t all like Ok, lemme go get this abortion and then try again in a few months there was something wrong with her feeling this way. Birth control (the pill. plan B, condoms, etc) control birth by preventing pregnancy, not by preventing birth.

    • meteor_echo

      “I believe abortion should not be seen as just a regular procedure like a root canal or a pap smear”
      Your words.
      Not much of a difference there, since the result is the same. Abortion is like having a parachute in case your plane goes on fire – basically, it’s the last birth control option to use when the rest of ‘em failed you.

    • alice

      your words really do go both ways, like meteor said.

      you get to decide when you feel like life begins in your body. that’s the truth of it. you make a choice for yourself. maybe it’s influenced by God, or by your interpretation of science, or just by your gut feeling. but you decide for yourself: if i have an abortion today, at this stage, would i be killing another human being or not?

      don’t feel bad for the women who make that decision lightly.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      That’s why I almost wish this debate would move from questioning when life begins to questioning when sentience begins. Me, I’m willing to concede that a zygote might be alive by some nebulous scientific definition, but it would be as alive to me as streptococcus–biologically sound, perhaps, but definitely not something I want in my body.

      This is also why I’m questioning the language of “making the decision lightly,” because while I know for sure I would have an abortion in the case of an unplanned pregnancy, it’s not as if I wouldn’t take every conceivable preventative measure before having sex, nor would I be squeezing my Planned Parenthood appointment in between a massage and getting my hair done. Just because I know that pregnancy and parenthood are not viable options for me and I would schedule an abortion as soon as I found out I was pregnant does not mean I haven’t put serious thought into the matter.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      That’s why I almost wish this debate would move from questioning when life begins to questioning when sentience begins. Me, I’m willing to concede that a zygote might be alive by some nebulous scientific definition, but it would be as alive to me as streptococcus–biologically sound, perhaps, but definitely not something I want in my body.

      This is also why I’m questioning the language of “making the decision lightly,” because while I know for sure I would have an abortion in the case of an unplanned pregnancy, it’s not as if I wouldn’t take every conceivable preventative measure before having sex, nor would I be squeezing my Planned Parenthood appointment in between a massage and getting my hair done. Just because I know that pregnancy and parenthood are not viable options for me and I would schedule an abortion as soon as I found out I was pregnant does not mean I haven’t put serious thought into the matter.

  • CW

    This is why I would never get seriously involved with a guy unless he was pro-Life. He needs to be on board with my carrying any possible unplanned pregnancy to term (keeping the baby vs. giving him/her up for adoption TBD) before we have sex.

    • meteor_echo

      Good idea. Children, pets, politics and religion should be discussed at the beginning of a relationship precisely to avoid situations like the one above.

    • meteor_echo

      Good idea. Children, pets, politics and religion should be discussed at the beginning of a relationship precisely to avoid situations like the one above.

    • C.J.

      This was one of the first discussions my husband and I had 19 years ago when we met. I asked him how he felt about abortion, he said he didn’t think it was his choice to make. I told him abortion was not something I would even consider unless it was for a medical reason. Abortion is something both partners need to agree on before having sex, at least n my opinion. Luckily we didn’t have any unplanned pregnancies to have to worry about but I was glad we discussed it anyway.

    • Tinyfaeri

      Not sure why this got down-voted. It’s good to know yourself, and make sure you’re very clear in discussing family planning issues (including children, furry children, money, etc) with a potential mate.

    • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

      I have a similar rule, but in my case, any man I get involved with has to pretty much agree that what would happen with an accidental pregnancy is ultimately my decision. I intend to never have children, and as a rule do not date men who want to have children, or who already have them. However, I cannot say for certain what my choice would be if I were to have an unplanned pregnancy.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      Mostly the same here, only I do know what would happen in the event of an unplanned pregnancy–I couldn’t bear it, mentally or physically. So any guy I were to date (and dating is currently in the realm of purely hypothetical for me) would have to be really committed to childfreedom.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      Mostly the same here, only I do know what would happen in the event of an unplanned pregnancy–I couldn’t bear it, mentally or physically. So any guy I were to date (and dating is currently in the realm of purely hypothetical for me) would have to be really committed to childfreedom.

    • meteor_echo

      Yup, same. I told the boyfriend on the second day of the relationship that any pregnancy of mine would be terminated ASAP and that I’d love to have my tubes tied. He had me at “If we ever get married, I’ll help you find a surgeon who’ll do that”.

    • ElleJai

      Tied tubes have a high failure rate, especially around the four year mark. A hysterectomy won’t fail, and a vasectomy has a much higher success rate than tying tubes.

      My partner was conceived four years post his mum’s tie… She was worried she had cancer and was so relieved it was just a baby. Even (US TV show) The Doctors recommend against it if you want to be sure.

    • ElleJai

      Tied tubes have a high failure rate, especially around the four year mark. A hysterectomy won’t fail, and a vasectomy has a much higher success rate than tying tubes.

      My partner was conceived four years post his mum’s tie… She was worried she had cancer and was so relieved it was just a baby. Even (US TV show) The Doctors recommend against it if you want to be sure.

    • meteor_echo

      I’d rather take control of my own fertility than rely on someone else about it, and I wouldn’t want a possible organ shift that might come with hysterectomy.
      And hey, if it fails, I’m not going to hesitate about having an abortion and going back on birth control afterwards. Besides, it depends upon the method – cauterization and Essure typically have a much, much lower failure rate because both create impenetrable scar tissue inside the tubes.

    • moonie27

      My mom had a cauterization procedure because the doctors were scared that another pregnancy would kill her. She asked if my dad could get a vasectomy instead and they told her, no, we care about your fertility, not his.

      So I think it depends.

    • ElleJai

      I’m not sure what the statistics are for that, but hopefully they were better than tying them. MIL and SIL both failed around 4 years, as the body tends to simply reroute itself around the obstruction.

      For meteor, who firmly doesn’t want children, ever, for any reason, to grow in her body, then tying her tubes probably isn’t going to be the most effective way. And since she’d be traumatised by an unexpected pregnancy then she should be aware of the risks so she can decide if that’s acceptable. If not she can pick a different procedure to aim for.

      It’s purely information. For many women tying their tubes will be effective, but there’s enough failures to warrant caution for someone who really doesn’t want to be pregnant.

      And I don’t want meteor to be sad due to an accidental pregnancy because she’s too awesome. Better she just doesn’t get pregnant (unless aliens swap her brain and she changes her mind.)

    • moonie27

      Hmm…webmd and wikipedia (great sources :P) both put the 5 year success rate of tubal ligations at above 99.5%.
      A study at pubmed says Essure also has a 5 year success rate of above 99.5% (out of 1200 women), with all unintended pregnancies happening in the first year only.

      But if there’s a history of it being unsuccessful in the (biological) family, I would probably avoid it.

    • meteor_echo

      Aww :3
      Well, hope so too – but hey, I doubt I’ll be able to get a tubal anytime soon because I’m as poor as a flea on a church mouse’s ass. So yeah, I suppose that I’ll have to stick to birth control pills, condoms and whatever else I can obtain (except for an IUD. I’ve heard too much stuff about the insertion pain and it freaks the frack out of me).

    • Allen

      I think it’s definitely important to be on the same page, as much as possible, when it comes to reproductive matters. You can’t always predict how feelings will change or how people will react when hypotheticals become reality, and it sounds like that’s what happened to the author of this article (her boyfriend was fine with her not wanting an abortion until she got pregnant). But knowing where you partner stands, and being on the same page, is important.

      Do understand, though, that being pro-choice doesn’t always mean that someone would personally choose abortion, or that they would not be accepting of a partner who wan’t comfortable with abortion. Pro-choice means supporting a woman’s right to choose, which should mean respecting your partner’s feelings. And there’s no guarantee that a pro-life person won’t change their mind or feel desperate when they’re the ones facing an unintended pregnancy.

    • Allen

      I think it’s definitely important to be on the same page, as much as possible, when it comes to reproductive matters. You can’t always predict how feelings will change or how people will react when hypotheticals become reality, and it sounds like that’s what happened to the author of this article (her boyfriend was fine with her not wanting an abortion until she got pregnant). But knowing where you partner stands, and being on the same page, is important.

      Do understand, though, that being pro-choice doesn’t always mean that someone would personally choose abortion, or that they would not be accepting of a partner who wan’t comfortable with abortion. Pro-choice means supporting a woman’s right to choose, which should mean respecting your partner’s feelings. And there’s no guarantee that a pro-life person won’t change their mind or feel desperate when they’re the ones facing an unintended pregnancy.

    • moonie27

      I think, based on a few study summaries I’ve read, that the percentage of pro-life women who get an abortion is roughly equal to the percentage of pro-choice women.

      So, yeah, there is no way of telling what your reaction will be until it happens to you.

    • val97

      I have to nitpick. What you described is not pro-life. Pro-lifers believe that nobody should have an abortion. You can be pro-choice (male or female) and know that abortion is not for you, make it clear to your partner that you would never have an abortion, but accept that other people should be allowed that option by law.

  • sick of theexcuses

    It IS a form of birth control….one that is placed squarely on the shoulders of the woman. The man will bear no health complications from the procedure, and a man callous enough to suggest this knowing her stance would probably disregard her feelings just as easily after the abortion. It’s not her boyfriend who is the problem though. It’s his family thinking they have any input at all whatsoever. She isn’t hateful or judgemental against her m.i.l. or s.i.l. they put themselves in the line of fire by opening their big mouths and using their own personal experiences to decide what was right for the author. They did not come to her with a secret and needing comfort, and she is under no obligation to be supportive of their choices. They minimized what was a VERY BIG DEAL for the author, provided no support and actually tried to make the entire situation about themselves. Of course they will be there to take pictures with the brand new baby. These are the same type of people who will criticize her every move as a mother, and judge her post baby figure, whether she bottle or breastfeeds, her career moves, how she dresses; and in all their nosiness manage to offer no help at all to her for her child claiming “well we told told her just have an abortion” then swoop into then expect a glorious title of being grandparents and an auntie because they send a couple cards and toys. She will never have any legitimate problems in their eyes, because she was responsible for preventing all this to begin with, even if it would have meant going against the very core of her being, and making her feel like a BAD mother. The father in law is just an asshole, not his business at all whatsoever, but it is these women who should be kept at arm’s length, because they are the ones with a hateful attitude to the author and her children. She does see her boyfriend’s point of view, but it is not her job to consider the rest of his family in her decision.

  • yabbadabba

    thanks for sharing this story! it’s a shame you got so little support from your family, and from the comments, since supporting women like you is an important and under-discussed part of being pro-choice.

  • yabbadabba

    thanks for sharing this story! it’s a shame you got so little support from your family, and from the comments, since supporting women like you is an important and under-discussed part of being pro-choice.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      I second that. I am pro-choice, but it’s not a choice I could make personally. And there was a time when I was truly tested on that. (Seriously, I tried to make an appointment). The pregnancy came at the worst possible time in my life and nearly derailed my college education and an uber-religious wedding (my parents cried when they found out we had “sinned”…however his parents were delighted…his mom literally jumped for joy). However, today obviously I’m glad that I went through with the pregnancy, and it worked out so much better than I ever expected. I am fully supportive of the decisions of other women, but it’s one I couldn’t make myself. So I appreciate reading about it. Thanks for writing it, Anon mom!

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    No one is truly pro choice if they think they have a right to tell another woman what to do with her pregnancy.
    There is a fundamental difference between a man saying, “I don’t feel ready to have a child yet and my preference is an abortion,” and “You have to terminate the pregnancy because we can’t keep it.” He also seemed to miss the point that disagreeing about the abortion doesn’t mean she didn’t respect his opinion. Respect for an opinion doesn’t equate adhering to said opinion.
    However, I’m heartened by the fact he changed his tune once his father put in his two cents. He seemed to react appropriately, siding with his partner and supporting what ultimately is her choice. Maybe he just needed to see how attacked she was in her choice to come to his senses.
    When you unequivocally know your partner will not abort and you choose to stay in a sexual relationship prior to being ready for children, you are making a choice to make the best of things in case of an accident. It’s a gamble you take for love, and in love we don’t always have things go exactly as we would like.

  • brebay

    Okay, let’s be real. You didn’t have to “fight” anyone for your “right” not to have an abortion. Roe. v Wade already did that for you. If you chose to engage in a debate with people who have zero say in what you do with your body, that was your choice too, but quit making it sound like they were in any position to deprive you of your right, because they weren’t. Your right was never in danger, only their opinion of your decision, which is their right.

    • Gangle

      No, they were forcibly trying to tell her what to do with her body, to manipulate her and bully her into their decision. Sure, they didn’t hold a literal gun to her head, but when you feel like you are in a vulnerable and emotional state, being ganged up on like that is way more than a simple expression of opinion.

    • brebay

      You can’t “forcibly” tell someone something. You have a right to free speech, but not a right to falsely imprison someone by not allowing them to leave an area they wish to leave. They had every right to voice their opinion, but zero right to force her to listen to it. If she could have walked away, she should have. If they physically prevented her from leaving, they broke the law and she should have filed a police report. Either way, if all they did was argue with her, her rights were never in danger.

    • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

      There’s quite a balancing act in wanting to respect your partner’s family, and thus respecting your partner, and trying to keep the peace even though you vehemently and emotionally disagree with what they are saying and the aggressive way they say it to you. When you’re invested in a long term relationship with the father of your children and you want to keep it that way, and you’re in your own home, letting the hot air escape from the parent’s mouth is the only route to go. I can appreciate the rock and the hard place Anon Mom may have found herself in, and the shock at being “ganged up on”.

    • D

      I completely agree here. Why were your boyfriend’s parents even involved in the conversation? Just because they inserted their opinion into something that was none of their business does not mean that you had to “fight” anyone. And it sounds like you never had to “fight” your boyfriend either because you seem pretty set in your decisions. Yes, it totally sucks that your family would say that insensitive shit to you. But please don’t act like you had a flaming torch keeping them away from your uterus. No one was forcing you have an abortion.
      Some women, like myself, have been forced against their will to have an abortion. About 11 years ago, I was forced by my abusive boyfriend to have an abortion. And when I say “forced” I mean that he beat the shit out of me in an attempt to make me miscarry, told me that if I didn’t get rid of it then he would kill me, and took me to the clinic with a gun in the car.
      So unless your boyfriend or his shitty family threatened to kill you, no one was forcing you to do anything. Your boyfriend is acting like a dick and his family needs to stay the hell out of your business.

    • http://www.whatwouldshethink.com/ Rachelle

      Wow. Just… ugh I would so castrate him for you right now… That’s so wrong. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

    • Anonymous Mom

      It might not seem that way for you, but for me in that moment, it felt as though, if I wanted to keep my family intact, I had to get an abortion. If I didn’t have the abortion, I sincerely feared that that entire side of the family would push me away.

      And yes, it was an epic fight. A nasty fight – nastier than many I’ve had with my boyfriend.

      And so maybe I didn’t go to court, or wasn’t abused, but I was sure in hell fighting to keep both my family intact and the life of my unborn child.

    • brebay

      If they restrained you from leaving, then they committed a crime, otherwise, you could and should have left, cut them off, and disengaged. If you chose to sit there and be bullied, or answer their calls, or open their e-mails, that’s on you. There’s a reason for restraining orders.

  • CrazyLogic

    Pro-Choice means supporting any choice in regards to a child so long as it’s not outright abuse. If that means aborting, fine. if that means keeping it even if it will be a stress on the finances, that’s good too. If that means putting it up for adoption, that is also a perfectly good choice.

    It’s your family. Your future being effected. Some men don’t seem to get that it’s a woman that is most often the more effected party in any reproductive decision, and I’ll admit many pro choice people don’t understand that someone may choose not to have an abortion when it would be “logical” for emotional reasons. But in the end, it’s the would be mother that will have to live with that choice the most when it’s made, one way or another.

    I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy with all my heart and I really hope you can patch things up with your boyfriend. In the end, he’s respecting your choice and promising to take care of his own and if he holds to it, that’s what matters the most. Both your children deserve a happy family and love from all around the most.

    However, I do not agree that all women will see an abortion as the same tragedy you do. Abortion, along with many other issues in life, is one of those things were mileage varies, a lot. For me, having to get an abortion would probably be very upsetting and tragic, but if someone else I knew was casual about getting one, my attitude is “good for them, I wouldn’t be able to but if they feel it’s best…”

    I may not agree with a lot of people on things, when it comes to personal life, my policy is to support, be there for, and not judge anyone who makes any choice in that regard. This especially applies in more trying and stressful times in someone’s life, like a pregnancy scare when they fell they really are not prepared in any capacity to be a parent.

  • Mae Blackwood

    I think this falls under “it’s my body”. I won’t at all doubt that a pregnancy very much involves both people who conceived the child (with exceptions that don’t really fit here), but if you feel you can take care of the child and very much want to — then you should be able to do such. I can understand where the boyfriend is coming from in a sense of being able to care for the child or not wanting another one at the time, but I definitely feel there should have been more conversation on the matter and not a simple “abort” in response. And I can definitely understand why the writer would be upset by this quick response, if my fiance had said that after I found out I was pregnant I would have been upset too.

    As for the parents-in-law, it’s not really their place to comment at all as they’re not caring for the child. It seems a bit cold that they would jump to that without taking into consideration that they’re not having to carry it and raise it. I don’t think anyone other than the people involved really have any say on the matter.

    I also may be a bit biased as I feel my views on abortion for myself are the same. I don’t think I could abort my unborn child, but that’s me. Not everyone feels the same. I’ve read over some of the comments and noticed that a lot of people don’t understand the “why would you even get upset over an abortion? It’s not even a big deal.” I think abortion radiates differently for different people. Some people don’t feel it’s a big deal to them, and that’s them. Some people can easily handle such a thing and go about life, some people can’t. I hate to compare (for various reasons) and it may be because we had to put down a pet today, some people handle it easily (it’s for the best in most cases) and some people break down and take it to heart (whether it’s for the best or not). Not everyone handles a situation the same. Some women do face a lot of depression after an abortion, no matter how early they do it. I think I wouldn’t be able to handle it. As soon as mine was discovered I was in love and planning out the future, as was my fiance. Some people don’t feel that way until much later (some not even feeling that way until the child has arrived or later). It all depends on the person.

    I’m personally pro-whatever you feel is best. People have abortions for various reasons and that’s all them. It’s their body and they have the right to go, “Well, I’m not ready for this / I have a demanding job / I enjoy my freedom / I so don’t want kids” just as much as someone goes “I couldn’t go through with an abortion because I want kids / I can handle this / I simply don’t want to have to go through something like this.” Not everyone will have the same views and it seems so unfair to diminish the idea that some people simply cannot embrace an abortion for themselves without feeling badly about it.

    This doesn’t feel to me like a pro-life article. It feels like an article embracing the idea that it is indeed her body and because of this she may make decisions others don’t. While some people may be sitting there going, “It’s not a big deal” it is to some people. Just as I personally don’t think I could go forth with it unless there was something seriously life threatening others may not feel the same. It’s not a matter of looking down on someone for having an abortion, it’s falling under “it’s my body to do with as I please.” Just as so many articles posted here in the past have said. Saying “it’s my body” means just that.

  • Mae Blackwood

    I think this falls under “it’s my body”. I won’t at all doubt that a pregnancy very much involves both people who conceived the child (with exceptions that don’t really fit here), but if you feel you can take care of the child and very much want to — then you should be able to do such. I can understand where the boyfriend is coming from in a sense of being able to care for the child or not wanting another one at the time, but I definitely feel there should have been more conversation on the matter and not a simple “abort” in response. And I can definitely understand why the writer would be upset by this quick response, if my fiance had said that after I found out I was pregnant I would have been upset too.

    As for the parents-in-law, it’s not really their place to comment at all as they’re not caring for the child. It seems a bit cold that they would jump to that without taking into consideration that they’re not having to carry it and raise it. I don’t think anyone other than the people involved really have any say on the matter.

    I also may be a bit biased as I feel my views on abortion for myself are the same. I don’t think I could abort my unborn child, but that’s me. Not everyone feels the same. I’ve read over some of the comments and noticed that a lot of people don’t understand the “why would you even get upset over an abortion? It’s not even a big deal.” I think abortion radiates differently for different people. Some people don’t feel it’s a big deal to them, and that’s them. Some people can easily handle such a thing and go about life, some people can’t. I hate to compare (for various reasons) and it may be because we had to put down a pet today, some people handle it easily (it’s for the best in most cases) and some people break down and take it to heart (whether it’s for the best or not). Not everyone handles a situation the same. Some women do face a lot of depression after an abortion, no matter how early they do it. I think I wouldn’t be able to handle it. As soon as mine was discovered I was in love and planning out the future, as was my fiance. Some people don’t feel that way until much later (some not even feeling that way until the child has arrived or later). It all depends on the person.

    I’m personally pro-whatever you feel is best. People have abortions for various reasons and that’s all them. It’s their body and they have the right to go, “Well, I’m not ready for this / I have a demanding job / I enjoy my freedom / I so don’t want kids” just as much as someone goes “I couldn’t go through with an abortion because I want kids / I can handle this / I simply don’t want to have to go through something like this.” Not everyone will have the same views and it seems so unfair to diminish the idea that some people simply cannot embrace an abortion for themselves without feeling badly about it.

    This doesn’t feel to me like a pro-life article. It feels like an article embracing the idea that it is indeed her body and because of this she may make decisions others don’t. While some people may be sitting there going, “It’s not a big deal” it is to some people. Just as I personally don’t think I could go forth with it unless there was something seriously life threatening others may not feel the same. It’s not a matter of looking down on someone for having an abortion, it’s falling under “it’s my body to do with as I please.” Just as so many articles posted here in the past have said. Saying “it’s my body” means just that.

  • Maxx_

    How is this fucking news?

  • Surfaces

    I had to cross-post my comment because it was more applicable to this article.

    I don’t think anyone has the right to force anyone else to be a parent, not women and not men. If women can say “I don’t want to be a mother” and have an abortion, what option is there for men who don’t want to be parents either? Contraception is the responsibility of both parties too.

    • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

      How could he have opted out of parenthood in the context of this situation?

      They already had one child (a result of a pregnancy wanted by both parties). They were sharing a home. The problem was not that he didn’t want to be a father. The problem wasn’t even that he didn’t want a second child. The problem was that the timing of the second pregnancy didn’t fit his plan.

      Her position on abortion had also been laid out at the beginning of the relationship. They had been using contraception, but contraception failed as it sometimes does, even if everyone does everything right.

      It is obvious from Anon Mom’s article that they did not consider splitting up and one of them moving out to be a valid option. And even if they did, how could he maintain a relationship with the “wanted” child, but not the second (and who could be a big enough monster to put a pair of siblings through that?)

    • Surfaces

      Sorry, I was speaking in generalities rather than about Anon Moms situation in particular. I didn’t make that very clear, sorry to cause trouble.

  • hales

    When I found out I was pregnant with my first son 10+ years ago, it was ill-timed to say the least. My MIL’s first reaction was that I should have an abortion, which I refused to do. It took a long time for me to forgive that in her, and even today, when I see her with my son (who she ADORES) I flash back to her comment. It will stay with me forever. I never regretted having my son, who is the joy of my life. Hugs to you during this emotional time.

  • Kate

    Should have had a signed contract as to what would happen if you got pregnant. Everyone here is involved in this decision and everyone is affected. While I understand that you see their views as unconcerned for your feelings, they are equally right to see your decisions as unconcerned for theirs. A little planning ahead and the willingness to spell things out on paper would have saved all of you a lot of trouble.

  • annyp

    Thank you, I am in a very similar position, and it’s hard to find posts about affluent women in their 30s dealing with this (a lot of posts are younger mothers). I am set on keeping this child, but he is frustrated and angry about it. It’s ruined so much joy for me, but I cannot live with myself if I have an abortion. He and family are all atheists, so they are encouraging it just based on how “unhappy” and “uncomfortable” he looks. As much as I love my fiancé, and I am patient and understanding of these feelings, I do not respect them. I respect his motives for not wanting a child, which are practical, but not this fear, anger and anxiety. I am not particularly religious but I have a background that deeply respects life— I don’t judge another’s abortion but it is just not for me. I was surprised and these means a lot of drastic changes and sacrifices on my end, but I accept this and am completely ready to be a mother. I feel forced into having an abortion, and I am glad I am mature and strong enough to just say, “no”. On top of this, his parents of course support him (I won’t take it personally), and he found a therapist that said if I wouldn’t have an abortion for him, that he shouldn’t be in a relationship with me and cut off all contact. That is the craziest thing I have ever heard- and possibly unethical. While I may not like it, his feelings of anger or frustration may be his natural reaction to the very scary (but beautiful) event of becoming a father. The therapist should be helping him work through and understand his feelings, not splitting up families. I am planning to stay the course, and I know he loves me deeply. I would rather live with his resentment than having an abortion against my will for convenience. Thank you for this encouraging article.
    Unfortunately, now I feel resentful and a bit angry at my in laws. I hope that fades, they are just siding with their son.