401824_10151600161648394_931499479_n__1383490424_142.196.156.251The ING New York City Marathon is happening today, but who cares about that when you can watch a group of women run for prizes like Botox, laser hair removal and teeth whitening? It’s a good thing I have children to care for, because this is the kind of news that makes me want to just call it a day and crawl back into bed. It’s 8 a.m.

The Divas Half Marathon® & 5K Series is the most fun and glam women’s running series in the nation. Check out why…

Every female 1st place winner will receive Dysport/Botox treatment for one area

Every female 2nd place winner will receive laser hair removal for one area (up to six sessions)ƒ

Every female 3rd place winner will receive laser teeth whitening treatment

There are some rules. You have to be eight years old to enter. The youngest age group, 14 and under, isn’t eligible for cosmetic procedures, but the 15 to 19 age group is eligible for laser hair removal and teeth whitening.

The Diva race has a 5k, which is happening today, and a half marathon. Their half marathon is the largest women’s half-marathon series in the U.S. They give out pink boas and tiaras, everyone gets a medal that says “Diva” on it with a picture of a tiara and a little pink jewel, and racers get roses and champagne at the finish line. That makes sense; women don’t need water after a race, champagne is much better for hydration. And pink tiaras and boas motivate all athletes, in case you didn’t know. Botox, laser hair removal and teeth whitening are just the icing on the cake of this stereotypical shit-show of an athletic event. The organizer, Robert Pozo, talked to New Times Miami about the prizes:

“While we think the prizes are fun and all that,” event organizer Robert Pozo tells us, “we don’t want to pass on the sense that Botox is what 15-year-old girls should be getting.” He confirms that Divas 5k is “fine with” these same girls going into clinics for teeth whitening and hair removal. In fact, the prizes “are not transferable, so these girls can’t just give them to mom.”

NO! Botox isn’t what 15-year-old girls should be getting. Everyone knows your face doesn’t become a disgusting wrinkled prune until the ripe old age of twenty. Coincidentally this is also the time when most women tire of facial expression, anyway.

(photo: Facebook)