10 Diseases My Kids Have Had That Are Totally My Fault According To Lotus Birth Mom

I’ve come across a lot of insane things in my time at Mommyish. Things like judgey moms, Juggalo parents and VAG CAKES. But I think this post by Adele Allen, who recently wrote an eyebrow raising post about her lotus birth on XOJane tops the goddamn cake. You might not know it, but if your kid is sick it’s not germs or bacteria. NOPE. It’s all YOUR fault, dummies!

Lotus birth mom supports a theory on illness called “mental invitation,” which basically says that you can heal any illness by addressing certain mental and emotional issues. You know, the complete opposite from what science and reason state? It’s based on a book by author Louise Hay (a woman made famous in the 1980s for profiteering on the AIDS crisis) called “You Can Heal Your Life,” and it’s just amazing. Amazing in the worst possible way.

In all seriousness, I try not to judge people’s beliefs, I really do. I usually succeed. But this shiz is just too much. Below are my top ten favorite illnesses my kids have faced that are obviously all my fault.

10. Asthma

Here I was thinking that asthma was genetic or caused by environmental factors. SILLY ME. According to lotus birth mom it’s really caused by an inability to breathe for oneself (no shit, Sherlock) and from suppressed crying. Whoduthunk?

9. Colds

The common cold. We’ve all had it. It sucks. My kids get a cold at least twice a year, sometimes more, and I always thought it was caused by a virus, but I’m an idiot. It’s actually caused by having too much going on and/or mental confusion. So next time you lose your car keys, watch out! You might just wind up with a nasty cold. Thanks, lotus birth mom!

8. Pink Eye

In the last year we’ve had a pink eye breakout in my home. I thought it started at my daughters’ school (in fact so did the school nurse and the other 25 parents dealing with the same issue) but nope, we’re all sheeple for believing silly old science. Pink eye is really caused by anger and frustration and not wanting to see. DUH.

7. Accidents

As anyone with kids will tell you, kids have accidents. All three of my little hellions have been to the ER at least once, though thankfully we have yet to have a broken bone or anything serious. Apparently these little bumps and bruises are a BAD sign though. Accidents are caused by REBELLION and belief in violence! Remember kiddies, there are no accidents, only little dictators in the making.

6. Eczema

This one is cheating because my kids don’t have eczema, but my poor niece sure does. It’s itchy, flaky, uncomfortable and all my sister’s fault! According to un-doctor Louise Hay and her minion lotus birth mom, eczema is caused by antagonism. But not just any antagonism, breath-taking antagonism. That, and “mental eruptions.” Obviously.

5. Hay Fever

Hay fever is basically our family’s curse. Normal allergy season starts in April and ends in September in our area, but we are mutant freaks who have issues all year long. Now I know it’s not because we’re actually allergic to anything, but because we all feel guilty! Over what? Who the eff knows. Also, apparently we’re afraid of the calendar. It really says that, you can’t make this shit up.

4. Nail Biting

This one is caused by good, old fashioned spite. Brats.

3. Nose Bleeds

My oldest daughter has a very sensitive nose, and occasionally gets a random nose bleed. Or at least I thought she had a sensitive nose. Turns out I just don’t love her enough. Aren’t I awful? Maybe I should just turn my kids over to lotus birth mom now.

2. Ear Infection

My kid’s pediatrician has always insisted that infections are caused by bacteria and whatnot, but according to Louisa Hay and Adele Allen, he’s a dirty, filthy, vaccine-loving liar. All I gotta do is get my kids to be less damn ANNOYED! Because that makes perfect sense.

1. Childhood Diseases

They don’t specify what this actually means, so I am going to assume the worst, like childhood cancer. My kids have thankfully never had cancer or any other serious childhood disease, but I thought this one was worth mentioning due to sheer batshittery. Cancer (or whatever else they mean by “childhood diseases” isn’t caused by messed up cells in the body or whatever. No. It’s straight up MY fault. Verbatim from the post “Childhood diseases – Childish behaviour in the adults around them.” WUT.

Share This Post:
    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      This may be my favorite new pile of wackiness ever

      • Carinn Jade

        This post was awesome! A bonus for me? Getting to glimpse my handiwork : “if you have a lotus birth, you’ll need a double stroller for your baby and your placenta bowl.” Makes me smile every time. I need to get back in the swarm!!!

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        PLEASE DO WE MISS YOU

    • cesp

      Someone needs to go all Breaking Bad on this womens crazy ass “Science BITCH!”

    • cesp

      “Sorry, but I can’t make it into work today. I have a bad case of “mental confusion”.

      • scooby23

        “Teacher, may I go to the nurse’s office? I think my mother doesn’t love me enough.”

      • scooby23

        “Teacher, may I go to the nurse’s office? I think my mother doesn’t love me enough.”

    • Jallun-Keatres

      WTF did I just read?

    • CMJ

      Earache – Anger. Not wanting to hear. Too much turmoil. Parents arguing.

      Can’t even.

      • CMJ

        Seriously, I am going to do this at work all the time.

    • AmazingE

      Wow, just wow. There’s more WTF in that article than I can process without my morning coffee.

    • Elizabeth

      I’m glad I read this article. Here I was, underestimating the mental capability of my cousin who was born with the “medical” condition of jaundice, when really her tiny little infant brain was just having trouble processing internal and external prejudice! This makes total sense, as pretty much everyone is all “fuck babies.”

      • Elizabeth

        (seriously considering telling my eye doctor at my next appointment that I’m only nearsighted because I don’t want to see what is going on in my family)

    • momjones

      Bring it ON, you whack jobs who support this shit!

    • chickadee

      This appears to be the earth-mother-secular version of Christian Science, where illness is a sign of spiritual weakness or faith flaws. Nice to see there’s an option for non-Christians.

    • Tinyfaeri

      Good god, I thought you were exaggerating to be funny. You aren’t. She’s nuts.

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        Nope. I was trying to be funny but it’s impossible to exaggerate this stuff.

    • CMJ

      Anemia – Lack of joy. Fear of life. Feeling not good enough.
      Or, you know, lack of IRON.

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        LIES! You SHEEP. Anemics are all joyless, life fearing underachievers, obviously.

      • CMJ

        Fevers – Anger. Burning-up.
        Or, more cowbell.

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        Dammit, You made me spit coffee out of my nose. But maybe that was just my nose not wanted to feel the coffee because it doesn’t feel good enough about itself.

      • Rachel Sea

        All the blood donation that made me anemic is because I’m just not joyful. It makes me too sad to know that people are needing blood transfusions because they are being rebellious, or have childish parents, or are themselves afraid of life.

      • zeisel

        oooooh… that does describe my sister-in-law though, who was diagnosed with that… although, she would probably not admit to the description you’ve posted, even though it’s as clear as day. what a coincidence..

      • Gangle

        I am pretty sure feeling crap because of anemia would leave you feeling a great lack of joy.

      • zeisel

        That’s correct, but not by what Allen describes that we ourselves are the catalyst and that comes first and then the disease with the symptoms. It’s all moot anyhow (as we all know), but a funny coincidence that I noted with my sister-in-law whom had that description many years before the diagnosis….

      • zeisel

        That’s correct, but not by what Allen describes that we ourselves are the catalyst and that comes first and then the disease with the symptoms. It’s all moot anyhow (as we all know), but a funny coincidence that I noted with my sister-in-law whom had that description many years before the diagnosis.

      • Emmali Lucia

        Well, to be fair, Iron-rich food brings me a lot of joy…

    • curiositykeeper

      And wackos like these give any alternative health initiatives a bad name. If I mention taking omega-3s, people think I’m like her!

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        Its unfortunate that you’re right. I personally don’t see the average alternative health care proponent as nuts, but people like this wackadoo make the majority of rational, sane ones look bad.

    • KatieLady

      wow, sounds very Scientology…

    • Harriet Meadow

      To be fair, I DO always get a cold when I’m stressed. However, that doesn’t mean that there don’t need to be cold germs floating around for me to get it. Also, trying to explain chronic issues like asthma and eczema as products of emotional stress is just ridiculous. Why is there only one comment on this whack-job’s blog post? And why is it a positive one?

      • AP

        You can have asthma or allergies that are triggered by stress- it has to do with the immune response to the stress hormones. But stress does not cause asthma- you’d have to have asthma to being with to get the reaction in the first place.

    • Elizabeth

      I can’t stop reading this blog. She thinks that wearing sunglasses is bad! Being barefoot outside is like charging yourself in nature’s power station! I just got to the inevitable “vaccination” article!

      Is there a word for gleefully delighting in other people’s crazy?

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        If it is, it is German

      • Kimberly

        HAHAHAHAHA. Funnies thing I’ve read today!

      • CMJ

        Her blog is a revelation of cray.

      • RayneofCastamere

        Schadenfreude?

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        That’s the joy one gets from other’s misfortune. Though I suppose lotus birth mom does have the misfortune of being a nut. So yes.

      • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

        I know, her madness is intoxicatingly enthralling. What other ethereal advice is in store? Constructing a nest for co-sleeping out of compost? Weaving your own hemp diapers and ceremonially burning them in a sacred fire (Great fertilizer, by the way!) or how to mine the best crystals to heal your baby’s lazy eye?
        Who knows!

      • Tsitika

        I had to go read the vaccination article…it’s just full of blindingly stupid arguments. A few of my favourites:

        “When smallpox broke out in sheep in parts of Scotland some time
        ago the sheep were mass vaccinated. Over the course of the following few
        years the ewes (female sheep) were unable to nourish their lambs
        sufficiently. With discontinuance of the vaccination, this phenomenon
        ceased to exist. ”
        Being able to breastfeed is worth getting smallpox?!? I mean, have we really gotten to the point where formula is worse than the mother contracting smallpox. Really.

        “The blood of children is hereditarily contaminated with vaccines back to the third and sometimes fourth generations’”
        ….That is not how hereditary works. If children inherit vaccines, why would we have to give them their own vaccines?

        Then there’s this priceless statement: “Statistics show that 97 per cent of all infants who die from SIDS had a vaccination within 24 hours.”

        That’s the first I’ve heard of that, so I looked it up….and found several studies that suggest children are actually more at risk of SIDS if they DON’T get vaccinated (Sources: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0264410X06008978#, http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0264410X07002800, and http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1511439/, if anyone’s interested). Science!

        But her crowning glory is this statement: “I rest assured in the knowledge that because of the general advancement in health care, it is now very rare that anyone is permanantly damaged from contracting such childhood diseases.”
        AND YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS? VACCINES!!

    • Amanda

      But honestly, what fun would the internet be without people like this? I mean if all I read were articles from reasonable, intelligent people I would just die of boredom. I will be walking around all day with a big smile on my face remembering this total insanity.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        YES! we live for the loons and the sanctimommies, they bring me joy

      • flerb

        I dated a guy once who was this level of New-Age Nutty. When I tell stories about him people don’t believe he could possibly be a real person.

    • NicknamesAreDull

      I had no idea I was such an awful parent. I’m going to find a time machine and go back to fix my mistakes pronto!

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      Oh, there’s mocking beliefs and then there’s calling out crazy. Observe:
      Can you prove there is or is not a god presence somewhere in the universe? No. Therefore, believe away in whatever fashion suits you.
      Can you prove the origin of illnesses? Yes. They are caused by, in no particular order: bacteria, viruses, genetics, diet, and the environment.
      Believing in something counter to proven facts is ludicrous, like that group of people who think humans can survive on sunlight. Mock away. Not every belief is equally valid, just like not every opinion is equally worthy of being listened to. Some people are just more wrong or more right than others.
      Now, excuse me, after expressing these negative thoughts, I must prepare myself to die of natural causes.

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        I did hesitate before writing this, to be honest. But I think these ideas aren’t just silly, they’re dangerous. Plenty of people in the 1980′s listened to Louise Hay and didn’t get proper treatment for HIV and AIDS. I think we all know what happened to those folks. Not believing in medicine for one’s children just isn’t an option in my opinion.

    • aliceblue

      The good news is that your kids can recover from illnesses and accidents. I’m afraid that her poor child has a high chance of having “stupid” in his DNA.

    • TngldBlue

      I am seeing so many reasons to call in to work for the next week. Starting with tomorrows “my husband is acting like a toddler and it’s giving me childhood diseases”.

    • Kimberly

      I actually feel a little bit dumber having to allow my brain to wrap itself around some of those “ideas/thoughts/idiocracies”. Wow. I am starting to really appreciate my infertility. I don’t have to deal with sanctimommies HALF as much. (notice I’m not completely free). lol. You mommies (even the crazy ass ones) keep doing what you’re doing. NO matter what we do we screw up someway/somehow. :) Just try not to look so freaking crazy while doing it, eh? :) The rest of you only half crazy mommies, keep at it. :D

    • Kim

      So my daughter tripping on her shoelace yesterday was due to emotional stress and not the undone shoelace?

      Will keep that in mind.

      • .

        Well….. maybe she was too emotionally stressed to pay attention to her untied shoelaces. ;)

    • Justme

      I’m going out on a limb here to say that she MIGHT have a point on a few of those things. First of all, I DO usually get sick at the most inopportune times – you know, when I’m super stressed out and under a huge amount of pressure.

      I am a HUGE nail biter and I have been my whole life. I also chew pen caps and gum constantly. Freud would have a field day with my oral fixation. But in all seriousness, the reason bite my nails is frustration, anxiety and boredom. And because my mother made me take piano lessons.

      And then there is my husband who is a lifelong stutterer (mostly when he is tired, now that he is an adult). But the insecurity thing….and the suppression of self…kind of my husband as a child.

      I am a total believer in the validity of science, but I also think that our mental state in life CANhave detrimental effects on our health.

      • Simone

        I’m glad someone else put that up. I also think there is a place for addressing the emotional factors that contribute to illness. At the same time, I also have a t-shirt that states: Science: It Works, Bitches! Because it does. It doesn’t always have all the answers, and life tends to work best if science and intuition work hand in hand; it’s the stubbornly stupid all-or-nothing approaches that mean people miss out on useful information, just because it doesn’t match their preconceptions.

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        That’s definitely true. Stress definitely affects our immune systems, so the concept of trying to reduce stress for the betterment of your health? Yeah, sounds good.

        But yeah, the rest of it…wowza. A friend of mine was telling me about a family member of hers who believes that aging isn’t real, and anyone who dies does so because they wanted to and because they were weak-minded. If you’re strong enough in your mind, you can overcome aging, diseases and even death, apparently.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      I’m lactose intolerant and that feels like your fault, Frances.

    • DodgyArcher

      What are “mental eruptions”? They sound like something god kills a kitten when you have…

    • K.

      I dunno. My kid has a cold every other week, which Adele Allen says is “actually caused by having too much going on and/or mental confusion.”

      …She might be on to something there. I also have quite a bit of mental confusion every other week.

    • Kaeli

      Oh my god, polio! I can’t believe we could have eradicated that sooner and far more simply. Why did no one ask these moms?! We put all those kids in the hands of these horrible DOCTORS when people just needed to parent the cripple right out of them.

    • scooby23

      I wonder what they’d say about other things?
      “I heard Sadie was diagnosed with ADHD. Must have let her eat a non-organic blueberry!”
      “So Brett has autism? Must’ve let him listen to mainstream music!”

    • scooby23

      I wonder what they’d say about other things?
      “I heard Sadie was diagnosed with ADHD. Must have let her eat a non-organic blueberry!”
      “So Brett has autism? Must’ve let him listen to mainstream music!”