I’ve come across a lot of insane things in my time at Mommyish. Things like judgey moms, Juggalo parents and VAG CAKES. But I think this post by Adele Allen, who recently wrote an eyebrow raising post about her lotus birth on XOJane tops the goddamn cake. You might not know it, but if your kid is sick it’s not germs or bacteria. NOPE. It’s all YOUR fault, dummies!

Lotus birth mom supports a theory on illness called “mental invitation,” which basically says that you can heal any illness by addressing certain mental and emotional issues. You know, the complete opposite from what science and reason state? It’s based on a book by author Louise Hay (a woman made famous in the 1980s for profiteering on the AIDS crisis) called “You Can Heal Your Life,” and it’s just amazing. Amazing in the worst possible way.

In all seriousness, I try not to judge people’s beliefs, I really do. I usually succeed. But this shiz is just too much. Below are my top ten favorite illnesses my kids have faced that are obviously all my fault.

10. Asthma

Here I was thinking that asthma was genetic or caused by environmental factors. SILLY ME. According to lotus birth mom it’s really caused by an inability to breathe for oneself (no shit, Sherlock) and from suppressed crying. Whoduthunk?

9. Colds

The common cold. We’ve all had it. It sucks. My kids get a cold at least twice a year, sometimes more, and I always thought it was caused by a virus, but I’m an idiot. It’s actually caused by having too much going on and/or mental confusion. So next time you lose your car keys, watch out! You might just wind up with a nasty cold. Thanks, lotus birth mom!

8. Pink Eye

In the last year we’ve had a pink eye breakout in my home. I thought it started at my daughters’ school (in fact so did the school nurse and the other 25 parents dealing with the same issue) but nope, we’re all sheeple for believing silly old science. Pink eye is really caused by anger and frustration and not wanting to see. DUH.

7. Accidents

As anyone with kids will tell you, kids have accidents. All three of my little hellions have been to the ER at least once, though thankfully we have yet to have a broken bone or anything serious. Apparently these little bumps and bruises are a BAD sign though. Accidents are caused by REBELLION and belief in violence! Remember kiddies, there are no accidents, only little dictators in the making.

6. Eczema

This one is cheating because my kids don’t have eczema, but my poor niece sure does. It’s itchy, flaky, uncomfortable and all my sister’s fault! According to un-doctor Louise Hay and her minion lotus birth mom, eczema is caused by antagonism. But not just any antagonism, breath-taking antagonism. That, and “mental eruptions.” Obviously.

5. Hay Fever

Hay fever is basically our family’s curse. Normal allergy season starts in April and ends in September in our area, but we are mutant freaks who have issues all year long. Now I know it’s not because we’re actually allergic to anything, but because we all feel guilty! Over what? Who the eff knows. Also, apparently we’re afraid of the calendar. It really says that, you can’t make this shit up.

4. Nail Biting

This one is caused by good, old fashioned spite. Brats.

3. Nose Bleeds

My oldest daughter has a very sensitive nose, and occasionally gets a random nose bleed. Or at least I thought she had a sensitive nose. Turns out I just don’t love her enough. Aren’t I awful? Maybe I should just turn my kids over to lotus birth mom now.

2. Ear Infection

My kid’s pediatrician has always insisted that infections are caused by bacteria and whatnot, but according to Louisa Hay and Adele Allen, he’s a dirty, filthy, vaccine-loving liar. All I gotta do is get my kids to be less damn ANNOYED! Because that makes perfect sense.

1. Childhood Diseases

They don’t specify what this actually means, so I am going to assume the worst, like childhood cancer. My kids have thankfully never had cancer or any other serious childhood disease, but I thought this one was worth mentioning due to sheer batshittery. Cancer (or whatever else they mean by “childhood diseases” isn’t caused by messed up cells in the body or whatever. No. It’s straight up MY fault. Verbatim from the post “Childhood diseases – Childish behaviour in the adults around them.” WUT.