STFU Parents: Poop Art On Facebook Isn’t Winning Any Awards

Now that Halloween is around the corner, and Fright Fest is in full swing on STFU, Parents, I think it’s time to shine a light on a subject that I’ve been “curating” in my files for a very long time. The subject: Poop art. The artists: Children. And ohh yes, there are photos.The thing about using poop as a means for artistic expression is that kids are not the first people to come up with the idea. Artists have been making stinky statements with human (and other) feces for years in attempts to shock the art world and/or avoid buying art materials, so this is nothing new. And for children, both creativity and poop come quite naturally, so to speak. Kids have the uncanny ability to take a dump, play with their dirty diaper contents, and then decide, hey, what the hell, I’ve already got this poop on my hands, why not rub it all over my body and the wall? They truly don’t know any better, and for that reason, they cannot be blamed for flinging their own shit around the room like a primate.

However, their parents do know better, and when they choose to post on Facebook about their kid’s latest “shit-xhibit,” they can be blamed. By me. By everyone, actually, but especially by me because I know just how many parents are participating in this online practice, and let me tell you, it’s a lot. I’ve probably seen more poop-smeared walls, cribs, and bodies over the past few years than I have actual works of art, and no number of jokes about a kid being a veritable “Poop-casso” will erase these horrors in my mind. For years, I’ve filed away these poop art submissions like some kind of bizarre hoarder, always waiting for the right moment to unleash my “art collection” to the world, but today I’m opening the vault. If you make it to the end of this column, you will come away with an education that you never ever wanted, and a new appreciation for clean, white walls. Here are but a few of the ways parents talk about “poop paint” on social media:

1. Finger Painting With a Diaper

1. finger painting with a poopy diaper
The joys of motherhood! Right, ladies?? One day your home smells like spiced cinnamon potpourri, the next it smells like it’s been covered in literal shit! Because it has! Yay for moms.

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  • CMJ
    • BubbleyToes

      Nothing needs to be added to this. Perf.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Ok, after this, the fact that he touches his face so much in this GIF frightens me.

  • NYBondLady

    Did this really have to be posted during the lunch hour?

  • Jallun-Keatres

    Reminds me when in high school some butthurt guy wrote “[ex girlfriend] is a [fill-in-the-blank]” on the bathroom wall. With a turd crayon. :P

    • potato

      Well, joke’s on him, isn’t it? She’s not the one writing stuff in her own poop…

    • Jallun-Keatres

      Yeah I guess that’s a good thing… but it shut down ALL the bathrooms in the entire school except the two main ones for a week which pissed off everybody

  • ALE515

    I didn’t even know that this is a thing. I didn’t do that as a kid, my four nieces and nephews didn’t do that. I’m really hoping that my future kids don’t do that!!

  • Polyamorous Mom

    my kid did this the other day….this very moment is the first time im mentioning it on the internet. or at all. (besides with her dad)

  • Beth

    This is a topic for OTHER MOMS, WHEN THE SUBJECT COMES UP, AND FOR THE LOVE OF PEANUT BUTTER SHOULD NEVER INVOLVE PICTURES! What is wrong with people? I’m sure these mombies have been documenting their precious little spawns’ existance since conception, so this is probably not the first time an embarrassing moment has appeared on FB for the whole fucking world to view. I feel sorry for these kids.

    My younger daughter did this. No pictures were taken. I told my husband, my mother, and one friend whose kids are the same age as mine. And it NEVER appeared on the interwebz. Ugh.

    • whiteroses

      If my son ever did this— nobody would know about it. I’d be too busy cleaning it up to write status updates.

    • Larkin

      Right? No way I would be like, “Hold that pose, sweetheart! Let me just grab the camera…” It would be more like, “OERTSDFKLMMERIWFDSJ INTO THE BATHTUB NOW!!!!” while dry heaving.

    • meteor_echo

      I read it as “Hold that hose, sweetheart!”.
      Methinks that my brain desperately tried to correct the situation.

    • Beth

      Oh, trust me, I disinfected the kid AND the room before it became an anecdote for my husband or mother. Also, I have NEVER uttered the word “poopie”. *shudder*

    • whiteroses

      I don’t doubt it at all :). I meant the submissions, not you! I should have made that clear… sorry!

    • Beth

      Sorry if I sounded defensive! It’s just that these things REALLY get under my skin, since I’m a mother, too, and these stupid biatches make it harder for people like me to be taken seriously.

  • Emil

    Some things need to be cleaned up, forgotten, and never mentioned again. My mother likes to share a particular story along these lines about me when I was two.(I will spare you the details). It is not cute. It is disgusting and in my opinion- disturbing. VERY glad facebook did not exist when I was young.

  • AP

    When I worked at a gym, we would find artworks like this fairly often…usually about 4-5 feet off the ground. Sometimes, it turned out to be makeup: tanning moisturizer, foundation, lip gloss. More often, it was feces or menstrual blood.

    At least these little ones have an excuse!

    • Beth

      What the actual …. ? GROWN-UPS did that? I think now I need some bleach for my brain.

    • Polyamorous Mom

      oh yes…when my spouse worked at an school for juvenile delinquants (are you still allowed to call them that?) this stuff happened all the time.

    • AP

      Yes, adults or teens. We only had children in the Women’s Locker Room for maybe 5 hours on Saturdays, and usually, Mom-copter was hovering to make sure they “Don’t touch the germy anything!” So the poop-etrators were definitely old enough to know better.

    • EcnoTheNeato

      Seniors are pretty (in)famous for doing it in the various retail stores my friends have worked for. Sometimes purposeful, sometimes not…

    • Givemeabreak

      I worked retail for a very very short while. About a week, my last day was going in to clean the dressing rooms and someone had dropped a duce. in. the. dressing. room. The manager told me to just clean it up and I quit. Nope, aint nobody got time for that.

  • Rachel Sea

    I would stop being friends with anyone who posted a poop fingerpaint photo to facebook. If you are content to leave your child and walls covered in shit while you take pictures, I don’t ever want to visit your home, and I definitely don’t want you in mine.

    And I REALLY don’t want to be surprised with such pictures on my lunch break. I’m not going to eat corn for a month.

    • Suburban Mommy

      Agreed! When there is a shit-mergency at my house, my first thought is disinfect, not to post photos.

  • kkkkatie

    Well, the National Corn Growers Association has a new slogan.

  • Blueathena623

    If I have the stomach for it, I’m going to search a FB “friend”‘s posts to take some screenshots of the poop-painting post and picture set she did, and send it in for next year. She’s got pictureS (plural) of the wall, the crib, and the kid, all decorated with shit. If your child has large smears of fecal matter on his face, and you take multiple pictures from different angles, to better capture it for Facebook, there is something wrong with you.

  • Beebop

    In the last one it’s like she’s rewarding the kid – “She was so proud I took the photo”. So now when she wants positive reinforcement poop-smearing can be her go-to trick!

    • EcnoTheNeato

      Thought the same thing. “Oh look, she smiled!” Yeah, well, probably because you teach her to smile around cameras…who woulda thunk? Now you just taught her that these “moments” are worth having…and recreating if you’re unlucky

  • Jayamama

    My parents have never let me live down a very similar art story when I was a creative and bored toddler. However, I was fortunate enough to grow up in a time when parents didn’t feel the need to document everything. If I am so unlucky as to be on the flip side of this travesty, I will certainly not be sharing the story with the entirety of facebook, and definitely will not be digging out the camera. What is wrong with people?

  • Williwaw

    I think my favorite new non sequitur will be “It’s not just poop. It’s corn poop”.

  • Williwaw

    I think my favorite new non sequitur will be “It’s not just poop. It’s corn poop”.

  • Williwaw

    I think my favorite new non sequitur will be “It’s not just poop. It’s corn poop”.

  • Williwaw

    “My apartment now smells like shit thanks to finger-painting with a poopy diaper.”…but I thought baby poo smelled like buttered popcorn?

  • Williwaw

    “My apartment now smells like shit thanks to finger-painting with a poopy diaper.”…but I thought baby poo smelled like buttered popcorn?

  • Williwaw

    “My apartment now smells like shit thanks to finger-painting with a poopy diaper.”…but I thought baby poo smelled like buttered popcorn?

    • Momsarentdumb

      Breastfed infant poop does smell buttery and innoffensive. However, someone old enough to finger paint is probably eating food, and people who eat food have smelly poop.

    • Williwaw

      I don’t know, my kid’s poo always smelled like poo to me, even when he was getting breastmilk only. I just couldn’t smell those buttery notes.

    • whiteroses

      Yeah, I never got the whole “breastfed babies have sweet smelling poop!”

      My son never did. Not once. In fact, at one point while he was being breastfed, he completely missed his diaper and pooped inside his footie pajamas. I gagged. It was gnarly.

  • Erin

    Yesterday I posted a picture of my baby in his Star Trek onesie, ready for a dress-up day at daycare. Not 5 seconds later, he pooped so hard, the entire outfit was ruined. I resisted posting an update, thanks in no small part to the things I read on STFU Parents. I’m sure my friends are grateful!

  • Raeronola

    We’ll, it’s 7:30 AM and I’ve already had enough internet for the day.

  • EcnoTheNeato

    I hope the “relax, it’s just poop” person is being silly.

    Otherwise, I despise that person. No excuse…

  • samsi96

    How appropriate (or maybe not) that the ad to the right is for Frigidaire “smudge-proof” appliances that “resist fingerprints and clean easily.”

  • DeliciousIroning

    I don’t know, maybe it’s because we’re currently going through a horrific poop stage in our house that most of these sort of made me laugh. Between the industrial size tubs of Clorox wipes I’m stocking up on and the 3 baths a day my son is getting, some humor is necessary or else I’m going to go nuts. On the plus side, after he pooped on the hall carpeting and I discovered that my carpet cleaner was RIP, I tore out the carpet in a fit of rage and discovered beautiful hardwood floors underneath. So score…I guess.

  • Kimberly

    *giggling* I never have to look far for a few reminders of the (few) benefits of infertility. This is one. TY for helping me with a rough day. HILARIOUS. :D *giggle* I do remember having to be the one to clean this up when I was younger and helping to raise kids though. *shiver and gag a little*

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