pregnant-640x878I’m with Bethany – I’m really happy to have my pregnancies behind me. I never intend to reproduce again. My last pregnancy felt like it was never going to end – and I was thrilled to get that baby out and into the world. But now that I’m not hugely uncomfortable or petrified of childbirth, I’m remembering some of the reasons pregnancy is awesome.

1. You have glorious locks.

My hair didn’t shed at all when I was pregnant; it was full, shiny and glorious and I didn’t have to hear my husband’s incessant complaining about my hair in the shower drain. He’s one of those passive-aggressive types that takes the clump and sticks it on the shower wall to illustrate my misdeed. That’s happening again.

2. No one cares if you forget things or are generally stupid.

Everyone knows the baby inside of you is eating your brain. People don’t expect much. It’s not like you’re doing it on purpose, after all. It’s just incredibly hard to focus at times – and you always have the perfect excuse. Oh my god, if only I weren’t creating a whole human I could probably accomplish this task…

3. No one minds when you burst into tears. In fact, they expect it.

Everything made me cry when I was pregnant. But no one cares. Everyone acts like it’s the most normal thing in the world that you’re bursting into tears because the person in front of you got the last lemon poppy donut.

4. Your huge belly makes your butt look smaller.

 

Apart from my giant, protruding belly, I always felt more well-proportioned during my pregnancies. Go figure.

5. You have glamour-length nails.

I have the nail beds of a 9-year-old. This is a quality that is more pronounced because I am never able to grow my nails. I don’t bite them or anything, they’re just not that strong and I’m clumsy. Pregnancy hormones make your nails long and strong. It’s pretty impressive.

6. The general public smiles at you.

We all know the world isn’t a nice place – well, Brooklyn isn’t, anyway. There are people who passed me in the street for seven years that never returned a smile until I was pregnant. It’s like they’re not really smiling at you – they’re smiling at your womb.

7. People find your bitchiness ‘cute.’

Aww, she’s pregnant! Isn’t it cute what a raging bitch she is! I bet that little girl in your belly is going to be a little firecracker! You can be a bitch. No, I’m not kidding – you can be a bitch and people won’t hold it against you.

8. Everyone is always feeding you.

Everyone always wants you to eat and is shoving food in your face. It’s awesome.

9. The world finally understands the importance of naps.

She’s not lazy – she’s pregnant! No one gives a shit if you nap all day. Unless you have a toddler. He cares.

10. Everyone is always offering you a seat.

Here! Sit down!

I really miss the seats.