largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

Eveveveveveveveveveveveveeeeeeeev, my kid, she is eleven wants to watch American Horror Story with meeeeeeeeeeeee should I let her I told her you get to decide, what do you think? 

I love emails where people sound like they are panicking/and/or apeing Kanye West‘s light board proposal to Kim Kardashian.It’s hard for me to know how to answer this because I don’t know how mature your kid is, but I say no. Haha! I am so mean. I think if she were 13 I would say totally okay, because you would be watching it with her and you guys could have all sorts of amazing conversations about the underlying feminist messages and all that, but 11 just seems SO YOUNG to me! I want to keep all the babies, babies. Sad face. I know that lots of moms let their daughters watch Twilight and even though it just started, AHS Coven has even better messages than Twilight. What do you think I am? Common Sense Media? I would not let my own daughter watch it, or my 10-year-old son, because I think it’s a bit gory and I don’t wanna deal with some long-legged kid insisting upon sleeping in my bed on a school night, but that’s just me. Why don’t you start her off with something a bit less hardcore like Buffy and see how she does? Let’s see what the readers say! The readers are way cooler than I am and less uptight, so I am sure they will say let her watch it.

Dear Bad Mom Advice,

It finally happened.  My tweenager finally scrawled “Keep Out Forever.  I hate you” on his bedroom door.  As this happened while I was still at work and the mother was home, I can only surmise that something acrimonious occurred regarding his homework versus his time spent playing online with his friends.

We actually have taken a more liberal attitude toward our son’s online gaming because it was only a few months ago that he totally shut out all of his school friends and became extremely withdrawn.  We thought he may have been bullied into solitude – so we really regard his emergence into these new social circles as a real blessing and absolutely do not want to regress.

It is so joyous to hear him laugh and so saddening when he does not.

I do plan on taking multiple photographs of the door for sentimental reasons, and have politely asked that he clean his door and write a formal apology to his mother tonight.  I will have a discussion about moderation and get an understanding where his frustrations are at.  I can only say that our son is not in any danger of academic failure – quite the contrary.  He’s shown improvement in his standardized test scores and received an A from his last French midterm evaluation.  Math seems to be his weak spot, but he is willing to work with me (at least) for help there.

And, for a brief time, he got along with his younger sister.  Pokemon cards, of all things, brought them together.

So, Bad Mom Advice, do you suggest he use a Magic Eraser or do you think he needs to exert some real elbow-grease and be given a frayed toothbrush with a box of baking soda?

Sincerely, 

“Thankful it didn’t say ‘Redrum’ “

Why are you removing it?

I would keep it there forever. Eventually he will get tired of it and put something over it. I don’t know, now I sort of want to write the same thing on my bedroom door with lipstick just to be a jerk. Being a tween is hard, being told what to do is hard. As long as his grades are good and he is an otherwise happy, well-adjusted kid I don’t see what the big deal is. My teenage son is always leaving really weird messages on his door but he writes them on notebook paper, and then on occasion one of my younger kids will steal the message and put it on their door. Here is an example just for you:

exisistence__1382532991_74.134.205.46And he spelled “existence” that way because he is a weirdo and I think maybe it is a song lyric or something from some of that rappity rap he likes. All I know is that it is now on my daughter’s bedroom door. Kids are weird!

Why don’t you get a gallon of chalkboard paint and make him help you paint over his door and that way he can write all the weird messages he wants and if he writes anything hateful like he “hates” people you and your wife can cover it with smiley faces and flowers? That’s a good plan to me. Kids are supposed to hate their parents, that’s normal, that means you are doing your job right. As long as he has no other issues and seems happy enough I don’t see what the big deal is.

Need some Bad Mom Advice? Of course you do! Email me, tweet at me or leave me a comment here!