• Wed, Oct 23 - 3:30 pm ET

Girl Scout Cookies Are Wicked And Promote Lesbianism, Says Pastor Crazy

shutterstock_7636930__1382550167_142.196.156.251Stop eating that box right now. Stop it!

I couldn’t resist. Pastor and right wing activist Kevin Swanson is imploring America to stop eating Girl Scout Cookies because they promote lesbianism and wickedness. How much do you want to bet that he has a sleeve of Thin Mints in his freezer right now? Resistance is futile, Kevin.

Pastor Crazy is really on a roll with this rant:

I don’t want to promote a wicked organization that, according to its own website, doesn’t promote godly womanhood. It just doesn’t. I don’t see anything that promotes godly womanhood. The vision of the Girl Scouts Of America is antithetical to the biblical vision for womanhood friend. It’s antithetical to it! I beg of you, do not buy Girl Scout Cookies. And if you do, take a big, black magic marker and cross out every reference to Girl Scouts of America on all the signs and all the boxes.

Don’t buy Girl Scout cookies! But if you do, just take a giant sharpie and cross out the name “Girl Scouts” on it as not to remind yourself that you are eating the devil’s cookie. Eating the devil’s cookie! I’m on a roll today. The devil’s a woman, right?

I searched and searched but I couldn’t find the “Lesbianism”workshop on the Girl Scouts of America website. I did find a statement that explains what they do:

Girl Scouts earn badges, hike and camp, participate in the cookie program, and much more. They improve neighborhoods, protect the planet, design robots, and establish sports clinics.

 

Oh, and here’s the pledge each scout takes:

The Girl Scout Promise

On my honor, I will try:
To serve God and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law.

The Girl Scout Law

I will do my best to be
honest and fair,
friendly and helpful,
considerate and caring,
courageous and strong, and
responsible for what I say and do,
and to
respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better place, and
be a sister to every Girl Scout.

Wicked.

(photo: John Stebbins Portfolio/ Shutterstock)

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    hehehehe you said box.

    • Gangle

      Lol, would you let someone take to YOUR box with a black marker? HAHAHA

    • Jallun-Keatres

      omg I laughed out loud when I read this the first time XD

  • Blooming_Babies

    Well now I’m sad that I was never a Girl Scout and I need a source for those devil cookies.

  • Tea

    Well, shit, now I’m buying cookies for sure!

    It’s so awkward to tell the Boyscouts no when they ask for donations outside the grocery store, I can’t just tell some cute little wide-eyed 8 year old ” Sorry, your group hates us queermos.”

    • Aimee Beff

      I have the same problem with the Salvation Army bellringers. Why do they have give a bell to the most adorable small child they can find so that I have to run past without making eye contact? It’s the SA leadership who are terrible people, so why do *I* have to feel like a Scrooge?!

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Not all Boy Scout groups feel that way. Our local ones seem pretty friendly to all.

  • Shelly Lloyd

    I have been involved with Girl Scouts and every year we get some quack job like that who goes off on a whole “Girl Scouts” are evil. Why are we evil? Because we refuse to toe the conservative, Evangelical line and make Girl Scouts a strictly Christian organization. We accept diversity including gays, people of all race, creeds, color, and religious beliefs. We want to be girl led and promote girls to take an active leadership role. So because we teach girls that they can go out and be who they want to be the right-wing conservatives get all up set that we are not (only) teaching girls how to be good little house-wives and mothers. Oh Noes!

    • Sara610

      Satan’s minions, all of you!

  • Mystik Spiral

    “Girl Scouts earn badges, hike and camp, participate in the cookie
    program, and much more. They improve neighborhoods, protect the planet,
    design robots, and establish sports clinics.”

    Ah, I think I see the problem. Nowhere in that description does it mention cooking, cleaning, OR popping out spawn after spawn.

    • Blueathena623

      Oddly enough, there are cooking, cleaning, and childcare badges. At least there were 20 years ago.

    • Sara610

      Well, not to mention that protecting the planet, designing robots and establishing sports clinics all sound suspiciously like activities that develop intelligence and the ability for critical, independent thought. And we all know, it’s just one step from the library to the whorehouse with an Abortions-r-Us in the back.

  • Rachel Sea

    If I were the boss of everything, I would ship all the CrazyChristians(tm) to one of the Pacific atolls that will only continue to exist if global warming is indeed a hoax.

    • meteor_echo

      Keep ‘em deprived of computers and make sure to put the rustiest, most terrible barbed wire around the atoll. You know, so that they’d stay contained for as long as possible.

    • Rachel Sea

      I’d leave each of them with a loincloth, a machete, and a fishing pole, and them them figure out the rest for themselves.

  • suzieq

    I’m a lesbian mom with two daughters in the Canadian version of girl scouts. So buying cookies AND promoting lesbianism? Sounds like a win/win to me!

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Is that Girl Guides or is there something else? (asking as a fellow Canadian queer mom with a daughter)

    • Janok Place

      Sparks, Brownies, Girl Guides and then Pathfinders depending on the age :)

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Is it still kind of god-y? I did brownies and girl guides (they didn’t have sparks back then, and I dropped out before being a pathfinder) and I remember it was pretty Christian.

    • Janok Place

      I don’t remember it being super Jesus Saves. I do know the Pathfinders was taking it a little far for my taste so I declined. Honestly I was never a huge fan of any of it :S

      Totally depends on the kids though! I know most of the girls loved it, I’m not “group activity” girl that’s all.

    • Alex Lee

      Wait, they have Girl Scout Cookies in Canada?

      Already imagining the potential for an “Imported Girl Scout Cookie” enterprise.

      “They taste just like regular ‘Caramel Delights’”
      “Yes. But they are IMPORTED”
      “SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!”

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    I can’t believe he actually suggests taking a sharpie to them. what on earth good is that going to do? That’s like claiming you’re vegan because you close your eyes every time you eat meat.

    • Evelyn

      If he buys them he helps them fundraise no matter what he crosses out on the box. Basically he is giving money to a group he considers evil and just hopes that if he scribbles on the packet none of his fellow crazy friends will know he is supporting them (because that will work)

    • Sara610

      Hahaha! “Hey, Pastor Cray-Cray, thanks for bringing cookies to our church potluck…….WAIT A MINUTE! It looks like you brought some of those lesbianism-promoting Satan’s goodies known as Girl Scout cookies! Oh, wait…….no, I see you scribbled in Sharpie over the name of the organization on the box. My mistake; clearly those must be Do-Si-Dogmas and Scripture Smiles instead. Good golly, I really need to learn to pay closer attention to these things….I was almost fooled there!”

    • Evelyn

      “Hang on a second, you missed a bit with your marker pen. These are Girl Scout cookies! We all know that girls who spend time with other girls without the guidance of a man must be lesbians, and not the good kind who just do it so we can watch on our dirty films! How could you support these strumpets and their devilry by cookie baking?”

      “I had my fingers crossed when I paid them”

      “That’s OK then, God will know you do not condone them and so will not judge you for it. Pass me another of your delicious Jezebel cookie, please”

    • Shelly Lloyd

      That just proves that the cookies are made of crack. Even the rapid crazy evangelicals who are totally against Girl Scouts and preach about not buying them finds ways to buy them and pretends it is ok with their beliefs. LOL.

  • Angela

    Now I totally want some! Also it sounds like the Girl Scouts have gotten way more exciting since I was one. My leaders totally neglected their duty to convert us girls to lesbians.

  • 88Mwife

    This article reminded me I hid a box of thin mints in the freezer from my thieving hubs. Oddly, I was in girl scouts since I was 4 (my Mom-Mom was a camp nurse), and I never caught the gay. I do enjoy being courageous and strong…maybe that is what Pastor Crazy Rant is upset about? I’ll ponder it while I eat these deliciously chilled mint cookies. I do taste self-reliance in them, but no brimstone. Maybe satan missed this batch?

    • jolieclare

      Mmmm…brimstone.

    • http://www.cafepress.com/ladycrim ladycrim

      The mint covers up the brimstone taste.

  • blh

    These people bother me so much. This is why everyone hates Christians…I’m christain and I’ve never encountered anyone like this. When I was in girl scouts my (extremely) Catholic grandma was the troop leader. I can’t even imagine what people like this fucktard is so bad about a group of little girls selling cookies is.

    • Mystik Spiral

      My Catholic sister is troop leader for her girls.

    • Sara610

      I know a lot of Christians, and almost none are like that.

      But the rational, non-asshole Christians (which is most of them) aren’t the ones who make the news, unfortunately.

  • Annona

    It seems like every year another nut job like this comes out of the woodwork. Last year it was because a Girl Scout troop in California had a transgender kid. It’s almost like they want to FORCE me to buy thin mints.

  • Evelyn

    Here in the UK we call them girl guides and they sell no tasty cookies. They have just dropped God from the uk promise, which has upset a few traditionalists like him but has been generally well received. In the UK our version of boy scouts (just called scouts) accept girls as members and my daughter is on the list to join when old enough (because I am a leader and she wants to). I am guessing that a girl joining “boy” scouts would be even more evil to him, I almost wish we did delicious cookies to tempt him from righteousness with.

    • EmmaFromÉire

      I’m glad I’ve another person this side of the Atlantic who just knows it as Scouts! I never realised that in the US they’re split up, it seems much more chilled out here!

    • Rachel Sea

      Puritanism is alive and well in our children’s organizations.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      We are two separate groups because of the way the organizations developed. Boy Scouts of America can trace its roots back to the Scouting movement in England. The Scouting movement started in England and was picked up in America and became boy Scouts. The founder of Girl Scouts, Juliette Lowe was living in England at the time and was impressed with the scouting. When she moved back to America she wanted to have something like that for girls. The boys in America had scouting, but the troops were all male so she started the Girl Scouts so that girls could participate in a scouting like activity.

      So the Girl Scouts started after the boys scouts had already been established and we are two separate groups with separate laws and governing bodies. There are several smaller scouting type groups in America that is for both boys and girls; but Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts tend to be the most popular.

    • Evelyn

      So girl scouts aren’t connected to girl guides (rainbows, brownies, guides) the way that the US boy scouts and UK scouts are connected but run separately? I had assumed that the US girl scouts were more a US version of guides as they are members of the international group of the World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts in the way that Boy Scouts and Scouts are members of the equivalent Scout group but are separate (for example the UK scouts have an equal opportunities policy while the US have just allowed gay scouts but don’t allow gay leaders). Girl Guides and Scouts are separate but related organisations in the UK in that they are run completely separately but do a lot of joint events, like St. George’s day parades and jamborees. In the UK they were set up by Baden Powell’s sister and later led by his wife to be a separate and autonomous but linked organisation.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      Girl Scouts of USA are connected to Girl Guides through membership in W.A.G.G.G.S (World Association of Girl Girls and Girl Scouts); but we are not part of any sort of umbrella organization that would connect us to the Boy Scouts of USA. Juliette Low got the ideal of starting a Girl Scout organization from Powell–but she started it on her own.
      We may have similar events, and we may do occasionally work together on some projects, but that would be up to local groups to decide if they want to join with other organization to do an event or service project.
      But as for setting policy, rules and by-laws that govern the Girl Scout organization we are completely separate. Our CEO and National Board of Directors are appointed by our own internal policy and not by any other group like Boy Scouts of USA.
      As for how much influence W.A.G.G.G.S. has on our policy I am not sure about. I work mainly at the local level and I have had very little experience at the international level other than what I have been told about.

    • Evelyn

      Much the same here. Guides and Scouts set their own rules and are run by different people / committees, for example Scouts admit both girls and boys while Guides are girls only and the Guides recently changed their promise to remove religion and have everyone make the same promise while the Scouts have God in their promise. Instead of a promise for everyone Scouts offer alternatives that a member has to ask for (I recently had a Buddhist lad promise to love his Dharma rather than God for example) and are planning to add a non religious promise to the alternatives but the standard promise will remain the same. Also my mother-in-law was a Brown Owl (Brownie Guide leader) and had to retire but Scouts don’t have an age of retirement. They are definitely different organisations who just happen to have formed from the same idea/family and have good relations with each other so occasionally do joint events.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      Our Promise/law is not a binding thing. It really is more traditional and if a girl or adult does not want to say it they do not have too. And there has been a small push to take religion out the promise, but it hasn’t made much headway.
      We also do not have a retirement age. I was recently at a Delegate meeting and met a woman who is in her 80′s and has been a Girl Scout member for 70 years! She isn’t a leader anymore, but she does serve as a Delegate and acts as a advisor and Historian.

    • Armchair-ette

      Exactly right. I believe that any and all references to a Higher Power can be removed or replaced from the Promise, Law, and other rituals (vespers, graces, etc) as needed. I’ve worked at a GSUSA camp with a large # of athiest or pagan (Wiccan, I believe) counselors and staff, and they were able to say “spirit”, “power”, or “good” in lieu of “God”.

    • Armchair-ette

      Also, both Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts have official charters from the US government (this is why they can dispose of old or damaged flags, for instance); however, Girl Scouts’ charter officially bans them from discriminating from anyone, including adult males who can be leaders or affiliated members. Boy Scouts’ charter? Totally cool with the exclusion :-(

    • Evelyn

      Here in the UK both are very equal opportunities (although Guides is only for girls). To be honest, as much as I am proud of that I am aware that in the UK it would be against the law for them to discriminate so they may as well get the credit for being inclusive. I love the support literature they give us on this because it makes it absolutely clear that being gay or transgender is not a problem in scouting (or anywhere else in life) and is perfectly fine. http://members.scouts.org.uk/supportresources/search/?cat=377,378

    • Shelly Lloyd

      That is correct, I have had dads as co-leaders in the past. One of them had to move away and that has made us all sad because he was such a cool guy.

    • Evelyn

      But they are split here too in that we have girl guides and scouts. We just never added the word boy and then in the 1990s allowed girls to join scouts (too late for me, alas).

    • Tsitika

      I was a Girl Guide for years up in Canada! But we did sell tasty cookies, I’m glad to say. Turns out they were probably influenced by the devil though :(

  • Ginny

    Seriously? I’m fifteen and still a girl scout and I absolutely love it. The one week I get to spend at GS camp as a PA is the best week of my summer. I don’t even have an issue with reciting the Girl Scout Law, even though I’m an Atheist. Heck, I don’t say the pledge, but you just cannot have this much against the Girl Scouts!

  • patriotanny

    I was told they support Planned Parenthood. ill bake my own cookies or I can find the same cookie in the grocery store. yep, same cookie without the GS logo or name. want thin mints? go to the grocery store. same cookie the GS over price and rip you off. if you go the store you get more for your money. wont ever support the BS(bull shit) scouts either. BS are all faggots now.

    • Mystik Spiral

      “I was told they support Planned Parenthood.”

      Well, they’re an organization for girls, and PP does a shit ton for women’s health, so why wouldn’t they? Oh, I get it… your little brain has locked in on the “PP=forced abortion” BS your Fox News force-feeds you.

      Sad little troll…

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      Philosophical question: Can a person just be an asshole without really being a troll?

      Also, I am now picturing all the immoral badges this dumbass (patriotanny) is picturing the girl scouts are trying to earn……. part of me wants to type a few ideas but they seem wrong somehow….

    • Or pick a name

      Totally. Also, all your neighbors are homosexuals, as are all the people who work everywhere you like to shop. And everyone at gas stations, so you probably shouldn’t ever drive anywhere. And all the people on sidewalks. In fact, you should probably just stay inside your own house, like, forever. That way you will always be at your computer, ready to troll the shit out parenting websites.

    • CMJ
    • meteor_echo

      Pssst, Rachel Sea, I think I found another candidate for shipping off to that atoll. Now grab the tranq darts quickly, before this one escapes, and I’ll go fetch a very big bag.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      I knew you’d be here. Wherever a troll is suspect, there you are! If only I knew how to sew, I’d make you a superhero cape immediately.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      You were told wrong about Girl Scouts supporting Planned Parenthood. I know that the Girl Scouts organization has it’s own finical trouble and we are not in a position to give money to other organisations. While my own local Council has been able to stay financially afloat without selling off it’s camps and other property I know of many other Councils that has had to resort to such means. My own Council has had to lay off nearly half of it’s staff in order to say in the black.
      Why would a group that is having such financial difficulties give money away to another group? So no, we are not supporting Planned Parenthood.

      The only connection we have ever had with Planned Parenthood is I believe one or two councils had listed Planned Parenthood as a reference that OLDER GIRLS IN HIGH SCHOOL could use to gather information about women’s health. And yes, that also include breast cancer, pregnancy and STDs.

      As for the prices of cookies, each council sets the prices for the cookies. Yes they are usually more expensive than the cookies you will buy in the stores; but that is because we do not have the huge multilevel bakeries, factories, and wharehouses that most other commercial baking companies have. We also have limited times when we can sell, unlike commercial companies that sell year around. It cost us a lot more to produce, distribute and sell our products. We all all the major expensive of other commercial bakers, but with much less resources.

    • Armchair-ette

      And GSUSA has to charge more to make even a small profit for the local council (where most of the money goes, btw) over the profits to the bakeries. The cookies are no worse a scam than the popcorn BSUSA sells or the gift wrap sales at your local elementary school, and are probably more likely to do good as the bakeries donate a certain percentage of their annual earnings (on everything they produce, not just the GSUSA cookies) to GSUSA.

      Shelly, are there still any troops left that make their own cookies using the original recipes? When I was a Brownie way too many years ago, I remember learning about one group that did. That way they got to keep all the profit in-house.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      In my service unit once a troop has participated in Fall Product sales (nuts and chocolates) and Cookies then they are free to earn money in other ways. They can do bake sales, car washes, yard sales etc…They can keep all the profits that they earn through those means.
      I have heard of troops doing bake sales where they used some of the original recipes. Last year my troop hosted our annual Camporee for the service unit and since it was the 100th anniversary of girl scouting one of the activities that my girls planned was to decorate your own cookie, and the cookies we used were ones that we made using one of the original short bread recipes. We had to modify it a tad because it was so very soft, and would have fallen apart if the girls frosted them. So we added a bit extra flour to make them a tad more sturdy.

  • Angela

    I’m still trying to figure out how marking up the box with a sharpie will fight “lesbianism.” Are there subliminal messages inserted into the text to make me want sex with other women?

  • Blueathena623

    Girl Scout for 12 years, married a man, get fat on the cookies. Its been a good life.

  • EX

    Maybe this is a super top-secret Girl Scout plot to get us to by MORE Girl Scout cookies?

  • Jennifer

    Good to know that my poor Catholic mom can stop blaming herself.

  • Jallun-Keatres

    LOL this person would have a fit if they became a music/theatre major. People openly of all orientations abound! Is my music degree tainted?? Should I cross out Bachelor of Arts on my diploma with a sharpie???

  • Byron

    So…can I call them lesbian cookies now? Can I do that and blame it on this weird pastor? I can already see the fun in this.

  • Pepp90

    Wow, that’s a lot of crazy right there!! Too many psycho Christians in this world.

    • NYBondLady

      Yes, this guy is whacko. There are a lot of pyscho everythings in this world. Luckily, Christians usually don’t fly planes into office buildings.

  • Jennifer J. Majors

    Wow, that guy really needs to tone down the crazy. Like way down. To maybe a -3 or so. And he needs to stop talking. Like ever.

    • matt30fl

      I suspect he makes a decent living by keeping the crazy turned up to 11.

  • Allie

    I don’t know about Satan, but the cookies do contain hydrogenated palm kernel oil, which is pretty wicked in my estimation. But hey, they’re a treat. Of course they’re not good for you. And selling broccoli door to door wouldn’t raise nearly as much money.

  • matt30fl

    The Girl Scouts should capitalize on this and team up with local Subaru dealers to move more of both products. Win-win!

  • Woodstockgurl

    Am I the only one who cringes every time someone uses the word “womanhood”? *shudder*

    • jolieclare

      And even worse, “Godly womanhood”. It sounds dirty and I don’t even know how.

  • aCongaLine

    Juliette Gordon Lowe is rolling over in her grave. Poor stupid Bastard- more cookies for the rest of us!

  • Pingback: Girl Scouts Rudely Harassed In CA, Called "Hooker"

  • jen

    it says try because they are children learning to be honest and fair,
    friendly and helpful,
    considerate and caring,
    courageous and strong, and
    responsible for what I say and do,
    and to
    respect myself and others,
    respect authority,
    use resources wisely,
    make the world a better place, and
    be a sister to every Girl Scout….etc. what’s so wicked about that?
    What kind of “good christian” goes about judging and moving their ignorant mouth about children? I’m grown and I’m not perfect and for that reason I will say to another grown person (not a child) an ignorant idiot!

  • jen

    (continued from below) you’re an ignorant idiot!

  • jen

    btw….my daughter is in GS, and she attends a Catholic school, you would think they would ban them from the school because they’re “wicked” and do the “devil’s work”….right? The whole reason she joined is because the school has its own GS troop! Seems to be something wrong there huh? LOL!