I Eat All My Kid’s Snacks I Pretend To Buy For Him

shutterstock_5526199__1382119763_142.196.156.251So I’m four months postpartum now. I’m starting to feel like myself again; I have energy, I’m totally used to breastfeeding and I’m back in the gym. But even though you’re supposed to burn a crap-ton of calories when you breastfeed and I’m now adding a lot of cardio to that – I’m still not losing any weight. I think I know why. I’m totally addicted to Goldfish crackers – among other things I pretend I’m buying for my child.

It’s normal to breathe an extended sigh of relief after a long day of parenting. I think it’s pretty normal to pour myself a nice, big glass of wine, too. I’m not sure how normal it is to have a bowl of Goldfish with that glass of wine every, single night. What am I – four?

The Goldfish aren’t the only things I’m constantly keeping stocked for myself my child, either. He also enjoys these cute little ice cream cones and whole grain Fig Newtons. I’m sure my husband wonders why we are constantly running out of these things. He has no idea. Unlike me, he eats adult food.

I buy other things to fill the Goldfish void – whole grain crackers, almonds – stuff that grown women are supposed to enjoy. But those things go stale in my pantry. If I saved up the Goldfish bags that I throw away monthly, I could probably make some really disturbing installation art with it – maybe a scarecrow? Or a snow man? Or a paper doll version of a grown woman who will not lose her baby weight – ever – if she keeps this up.

With the news this week that some carbs are as addictive as cocaine, maybe resistance is futile. I should just embrace my regression into kiddie cuisine. It’s probably cheaper than real food, anyway.

(photo: Lana B/ Shutterstock)

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  • elle

    my son is lucky if he gets any cheddar bunnies I am so addicted. I also eat his cheerios….I just eat handfuls of cheerioslike they are chips.

    • CMJ

      Oh god, cheddar bunnies are SO GOOD.

    • Simone

      Cheddar bunnies. Forgive me if this suggests some kind of cultural elitism, but that sounds soooo… American. What other culture would voluntarily decide to create edible foodstuffs based on carbs, salt and dehydrated cheese powder and then label them ‘cheddar bunnies’? Why bunnies?

      Bearing in mind that this is the same culture which gave the world the pizza breakfast microwave roll-up. God bless.

    • elle

      Because they are shaped like bunnies and they are cheddar flavored…yeah I must admit I’m rolling my eyes pretty hard core at the implication that the United states is the only country with unhealthy snacks.

    • CMJ

      Me too on the eye roll.

    • CMJ

      Annie’s Organics makes them and they are called Cheddar Bunnies. Also – what is a pizza breakfast roll up? Sounds delicious!

      You sound like a sanctisnacker. God Bless.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      OMG! Santisnacker! I love it! You kill me!

    • Simone

      “It was because she was English, of course. She didn’t really understand
      the rich, unrivalled possibilities for greasiness and goo that the
      American diet offers. I longed for artificial bacon bits, melted cheese
      in a shade of yellow unknown to nature, and creamy chocolate fillings,
      sometimes all in the same product. I wanted food that squirts when you
      bite into it or plops onto your shirt front in such gross quantities
      that you have to rise carefully from the table and limbo over to the
      sink to clean yourself up.”- Bill Bryson.

      It’s not really a country famed for healthy eating, is it?

    • CMJ
    • Km

      Dang it! Google doesn’t have anything for “pizza breakfast roll up”

  • Ann B.

    If only I were stealing foods as healthy as Goldfish crackers…. I have a habit of baking a 9×13 pan of brownies…. they each get maybe 3-4 and I eat the rest. I justify it with things like…..I ate my dinner, so I got dessert, but they didn’t so they don’t. I’m a huge jerk. And actually really lucky for how little weight gain motherhood has hit me with.

    • Sundaydrive00

      My boyfriend has been on brownie making kick, but then he only wants to eat one or two pieces and I end up eating the rest of it. I love brownies and I can’t resist eating them!

    • LouWho

      I’m guilty of this too. So very guilty.

  • Helen Hyde

    Yep, I eat my sons cheese triangles and potato letters all the time. He always eats my food, in my defense.

  • Paul White

    Goldfish are adult food.

  • Rachel Sea

    That oreo/cocaine thing is hokum. It was an experiment, not a study, and all they proved was that rats like oreos better than they like rice cakes, and they like injections of drugs better than injections of saline. That pleasurable things light up the pleasure centers of the brain is not exactly “news” either.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Okay. So i have NO excuse. Damn.

    • Rachel Sea

      Like hell you don’t. Delicious things are delicious, and deprivation sucks. Those are two great excuses right there.

      I’m a terrible snacker, so I have to trick myself into eating less. Having smaller bowls just for things like cookies or chips makes it easier for me to have a small serving without making it look like a pathetic serving. And I always put stuff in a bowl or on a plate so that I can’t graze around the kitchen without also making myself wash a dish.

  • Cee

    I LOVE Goldfish! Parmesan and Cheddar for the win! I’ve had them with wine. I have even had them for breakfast or lunch as a starving student.

    Its the perfect thing…cheesy..salty and carbs.

    Now I want some!

    • Sundaydrive00

      We used to buy the giant box of Goldfish from Sam’s. It had two bags (like bigger then cereal size bags) of goldfish inside, and we’d each get a bag for ourselves (he can’t share) and it glorious! I’d snack on them in the evening after dinner while drinking wine and watching tv, or if I was running late in the morning I’d fill a sandwich bag up to eat on my way to work.

      They doubled in price, so we don’t buy them very often anymore. My parents usually have a small box of goldfish in their pantry for my nephews, so we like to raid their goldfish stash whenever we’re over there.

    • Cee

      I have that box! Lol. I have a problem

  • CMJ

    I eat kids’ snacks all the time and I don’t have kids…oops.

    • pixie

      Same here. I have a “family-sized” box of animal crackers (well, they’re grocery store brand and called “zoo-kies”, which makes my inner five year old even happier). And I go nuts when I come across fun dip.

    • Chrissy

      I bought a box of Fruit Roll Ups and Fruit by the Foot last week. I don’t have kids either…

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      “Kid” snacks are the best, paws down. I’mma get me some Goldfish tomorrow, got a sudden craving…

  • Ptownsteveschick

    Gold fish puffs. That shit is basically a bunch of fish shaped cheetos and I am giving the kid a bowl with like 10 puffs inside and eating the rest myself while I watch Bones.

    • Marianna

      Bones! *_*

    • charlotterupp43

      Programs must be written for people to read, and only
      incidentally for machines to execute. Just turn to this way to make your
      dollars… bay35.com

  • ellen

    I had a feeling I wasn’t alone! I don’t think I eat anything that’s considered “adult food.” And goldfish crackers have been my favorite since looooooong before I even had kids.

  • Jennifer

    We are perpetually trying to fatten up my former preemie, and she loves Oreos, unfortunately…

  • LouWho

    When I was really stressed out at work I existed on Coca Cola, cigarettes and Goldfish crackers. I was the skinniest I have ever been. Somehow I can’t bring myself to follow this diet plan again.

    I do however, inhale my children’s Cheez-It.

    • Tres

      Cheez-it’s are my favorite! I just lost 80 pounds and haven’t had one in a year! OMG-now I am gonna have to get some!!!

  • AnonyMe

    Wegman’s Organic Whole Grain Animal Cookies. Basically big animal crackers. So freakin’ good. I put those and YoBaby Vanilla Yogurt in my lunch for work.

  • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    FRUIT BY THE FOOT! And Gummy Bears! And basically any sugary candy! And Reese’s Puff cereal!

    • Zoe Lansing

      REESE’S PUFFS CEREAL FTW!!! A big bowl of Reese’s Puffs is one of my favorite snacks (or,depending on my mood, appetizer,side dish,or even main course) and has been since I was a little kid.When she first met my dad,my stepmother,a pediatrician who loves health food, was horrified by the how much of this “sugar-laden,nutritionally anemic” cereal I consumed.When they first married,she briefly attempted to limit the number of boxes I ate to one per month,which most people would consider a pretty generous allowance for a 7 1/2 year old,especially considering I only lived with her and my dad every other week at the time and could still stuff myself with Reese’s Puffs at my biological mother and stepfather’s house 50% of the time.For me,however,it was like trying to go from smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day to smoking 3 single cigarettes a week.I proved to be a far less pleasant child without unlimited access to my beloved Puffs.Thus,the limit was soon lifted for the sake of a more harmonious newly blended home.

      I’m now engaged to a pediatrician who’s a health food fanatic (go figure).He’s completely appalled by my use of Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs cereal as a major food group in my diet.There’s no way I’m cutting back,however.Especially since I recently discovered how incredibly delicious it is to put chocolate Redi-Whip on top of a bowl of Reese’s Puffs.Yum.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      OMG, try pouring almond bark on it and turning it into a Christmas cookie. (You can even mix actual little Reese’s in there, or marshmallows, or whatever). Holy shit. I’m going to have to try it with Redi-whip, although I think I’m scared to. There’s a kind of cereal that used to be in those cheap cereal bags called “Blueberry Muffin Tops.” I had to stop buying it because it tastes like heaven and I can’t control myself. I still get it at Christmas and almond bark it though. I am a cereal addict since childhood, too. :)

  • C.J.

    I love goldfish in soup instead of saltines. My kids eat saltines in their soup while I eat fishies in mine. They look at me like I am nuts!

  • Shelly Lloyd

    What is really, really shameful is when you eat your husband’s snacks when he is not at home and then you blame it on the kids :-)

    Not that I would do anything like that. Just saying….

  • Felix

    chocolate covered graham crackers are really good microwaved for 30 seconds, and oopsie, always a tad too hot for my daughter, so i have to eat them. So sad.

  • LiteBrite

    I had to stop buying “Teddy Grahams” because I was eating them all. Those things are like crack.

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