shutterstock_139627181__1381935160_142.196.156.251“Teenager” is not a costume. Either is “Mom Holding Infant.”

Am I the only one who gets totally annoyed by kids who look like they’re about to start college coming to my door – and without costumes? And what about parents trick-or-treating with their infants? That is the worst. What are you doing? Your kid is too young to eat this stuff and you are an adult who can go to the store and buy candy whenever you want.

I don’t have any problem with teenagers who embrace the holiday coming to my door. You don’t have to have a fancy costume. You can have your face painted – whatever. But don’t just grab a bag and walk around the neighborhood when you’re seventeen years old. Parents – don’t let your teenagers do this.

I actually had a kid like this yell at me for running out of Halloween candy a couple of years ago. We were sitting on my brownstone stoop in Brooklyn. There were a ton of kids in my neighborhood – we always ran out of candy pretty fast. The new habit kids seem to have of reaching into the candy bowl and grabbing as much as they can fit into their little palms doesn’t help much, either. Back to the teenager though. He walked up to the stoop with a group of his friends. None of them had ANYTHING that indicated they were celebrating the holiday on. Not even an orange shirt. Nothing. This particular group didn’t even have bags with them. They were just walking up to houses, sticking candy in their pockets, and eating it as they went along.

Trick or Treat!

We’re out of candy.

No you’re not. I see a little in your bowl.

Yeah, well – I want to save it for children. Little children. Who dress up.

That’s greedy. Fuck you, lady.

Seriously. If you are old enough to tell me to fuck off, you can’t have my Halloween candy.

That’s pretty terrible, but I think parents who come to my door with dressed-up infants annoy me even more. You are basically an adult asking another adult to give you candy. I love candy just as much as the next person – but that is just weird.

I dressed up my child before he was old enough to realize it was Halloween. We took him to a little block party. My 4-month-old is going to be a giraffe this year. I will not be taking either of them trick-or-treating. I think my general rule is going to be, when they are old enough to say “trick-or-treat,” hold their own bag, and not be carried around because they are too tired to walk – they can go trick-or-treating. Until then, we’ll be giving out candy to all of the people of the neighborhood – except bratty teenagers and parents with no shame.

(photo: chevanon/ Shutterstock)