10 Lies To Tell A Sanctimommy So You Can Survive Your Playdate

 sparkleneelyHow do you survive a playdate with a sanctimommy? It’s easy. You just have to be a big fat liar. It’s kind of like hanging out with your mother-in-law; being constantly judged and getting a bunch of advice you didn’t ask for.

I know we’re all adults and should be able to decide who we do and don’t want to spend our time with. But sometimes we have to make some sacrifices for the kids. There were certain mothers in my child’s playgroup that drove me crazy. But if it meant my child got to hang out with a friend that he liked, I sucked it up. You can too. Here are a few little white lies that will help get you through.

1. “No! I would never feed my child a hot dog either.”

Hot dogs. Did you know they’re “poison?” A mother seriously said that to me when I ran into her on the sidewalk one day. She caught me allowing my child the rare treat of a New York City hot dog. Never admit you feed your child hot dogs.

2. “TV? My child doesn’t watch TV!”

I ran into a friend and her child on the street one day. Her child was wearing an Elmo hat. My son pointed to it and said, “Elmo!” She said, “Your child knows who Elmo is? Did you know watching too much TV causes autism?” Not kidding.

Never tell a sanctimommy you let your kid watch TV.

3. “My child has a very strict bedtime!”

When I tell some mothers that my child’s bedtime fluctuates nightly, their heads explode. Children need structure! Children need 15 hours of sleep a day! Yeah, whatever. You come try to put my kid to bed at  seven p.m. and see how much luck you have.

Never, ever admit your toddler doesn’t have a strict bedtime.

4. “Don’t worry! All the fruit I brought for playgroup is organic!”

Yes, I would love to buy organic food all the time. It is so freaking expensive that I simply cannot afford to. I used to be a waitress and I once heard a woman tell her friend that “maybe she should stop spending her money going out” and buy all organic instead. Huh? Can you imagine someone saying that to you while you were out with them?

Never admit the fruit isn’t organic.

5. “I never yell at my children!”

Don’t raise your voice at playgroup. Seriously. You have to say things like, “Mommy doesn’t like it when you hit her. It hurts her feelings.” Not , “we’re leaving NOW!” Newsflash – everyone raises their voice to their children once in a while. Just don’t do it around a sanctimommy.

6. “My child doesn’t play with my phone! Phones aren’t toys!”

My phone is totally a toy – a toy that keeps my child silent when we go to places like restaurants.

My friend was at a restaurant once and was allowing her child to play with her iPhone. The waitress said, “Remember when we used to talk to our children?” My friend awesomely responded, “Feel free to sit down and talk to my child if you want.”

Never let a sanctimommy see you give your phone to your child.

7. “You don’t vaccinate? I’m sure you have great reasons for that.”

(photo: Tumblr)

Never get into a vaccination argument with a parent who doesn’t believe in them. It’s a waste of time. Just nod your head and make a mental note to never bring your infant around this person again.

8. “I would never say anything bad about my child! She’s the light of my life!”

There was a particularly exhausted-looking mother at my old playgroup in Brooklyn. She mentioned that the older her child got, the less he listened to her. I said, “I know. They become the biggest assholes around this age.” Her face dropped.

Never call your child an asshole around a sanctimommy.

9.” I love everything about parenting!”

Motherhood is a parade of banality. That’s a perfect example of something you should never say around a sanctimommy.

Most of us will comfortably acknowledge that parenting sucks sometimes. Just always make sure you don’t admit this in the wrong company.

10. “A pacifier? My toddler? Never!”

Did you know that by age (make up statistic here) kids should really be able to soothe themselves?

Ugh, shut up. Why do you care what my toddler son likes? Are you going to be paying for his braces? My toddler still takes a pacifier at night and one of my acquaintances basically lost her freaking mind when I told her. Never admit your child may be lagging behind what a sanctimommy thinks is a behavioral milestone.

(photo: sparkleneely)

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You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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  • NicknamesAreDull

    “That’s grape juice in my water bottle, not wine!”

    • Paul White

      It’s..uuh…smelly apple juice, not whiskey

    • Bethany Ramos

      I brought an apple juice bottle full of Tuaca (I think) to a dry wedding for coffee, and it worked like a charm. My mom asked, “Why are you putting apple juice in your coffee?”

    • Rachel Sea

      My friends and I are great fans of “non-perishable creamer” in those situations. Bailey’s and Carolans both work a treat.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    This is a serious question: are veggie hotdogs just as evil? We’re vegetarians, so I don’t pay much attention to warnings or anything to do with meat really because it doesn’t affect me and I’m self-absorbed, but I have no idea if veggie dogs are just as evil as regular dogs. I suppose I could google it.

    • NicknamesAreDull

      I know the answer to this one! When I was younger and vegan, I met with a nutritionist who gave me a list of things to avoid. I remember Smart Dogs being one of the brands that she recommended, because they had a relatively small amount of sodium, and the ingredients were pronounceable. So, it depends a lot on the brand. Some of them (I think Morningstar) have a lot of sodium and cruddy ingredients (like real hot dogs!)

    • Guest

      applegate hotdogs are the bomb. so there must be some good veggie dogs too.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Neat! Yeah a lot of meat-alternatives (like, the faux stuff) are super high in sodium. I admit we rely on them more than we probably should (I grew up on chicken fingers ok? I need to eat a certain amount of breaded crap every week or my inner child throws the world’s biggest temper tantrum) but I don’t have any delusions that they are any better for me than eating actual meat.

    • NicknamesAreDull

      I think every parents feeds their kids something more than they should. I whip out a box of Annie’s Mac and Cheese wayy more than I’d like to admit. I decided that if my daughter grows an extra limb, than she can win a lot of money in bar bets.

    • Sara610

      OMG yes, Annie’s is a lifesaver. I always have some on hand, and it’s great in a pinch. I make myself feel less guilty by mixing some peas and spinach in with the pasta when it’s cooking. That way I can have some too (because I loves me some mac and cheese) and say, “But look, it has green stuff in it so it’s healthy!” :)

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      I do the same exact thing.

    • Rachel Sea

      That stuff is delicious. I buy cases of it at Costco, and it is my go-to lazy dinner.

      The white shells and cheddar mix great with peas and tuna, so it’s even a semi-balanced meal.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Tuna! I never thought of that.

    • Jallun-Keatres

      Oh my word… boxed mac with tuna and peas is the freaking BEST!!!

    • Rachel Sea

      I’m totally jonesing for it now. I know what I’m making for dinner tonight.

    • EmmaFromÉire

      I didn’t actually know that about the sodium content! I eat a lot of quorn, purely because i prefer the texture. Must check that out!

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      oooh I’ve never had quorn but have always wanted to try it. it’s not available here (Canada). that’s the one that’s made from fungus or something, right?

    • Rachel Sea

      What’s your favorite veggie hot dog? I tried Smart Dogs, but had to drown them in BBQ sauce to hide the taste.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      I usually just buy Yves because that’s what’s easily available. They taste good, or fine at least…they taste like meatdogs to me though it’s been a verrrry long time so take that with a grain of salt.

    • whiteroses

      My son LOVES Dr. Praegar’s Veggie Burgers. http://www.drpraegers.com/California-Veggie-Burgers-P127.aspx
      He’s not too fond of the Spinach or Broccoli Pancakes, but he thinks the Veggie Burger’s are the bee’s knees. I try not to feed them to him often because of the sodium, but the days that I do feed them to him, I am the BEST. MOM. EVER. in his eyes.

    • Sara610

      That didn’t sound pretentious. I was vegan for about a year and a half, and I met with a nutritionist before making the switch too. It was really helpful, and I still use a lot of his advice even though I’m no longer vegan.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      I try to buy it as much as possible too – it’s just really not all that possible! It’s so damn expensive!

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Yeah, I mean I guess I do “try” in the sense that we do shop at farmer’s markets a hell of a lot and sometimes that stuff is organic (not usually certified because they are small farms but they are often pesticide-free) and at least it’s seasonal and relatively local.

      I “try” in the sense that I’ll glance at the organic section of the grocery store and if something is on crazy-sale and is actually reasonably priced, I’ll buy it.

      But yeah, I don’t “try” as much as “possible” in the sense that the vast majority of the time, I buy whatever’s fucking cheapest.

    • Simone

      Yeah, look, if it’s reduced to clear, it’s dinner.

    • Magrat

      I bet a big enough sanctimommy could find something wrong with veggie dogs. Sort of like how artificial sweetener encourages cravings for real sugar. Something like that. Or they’re just too phallic.

    • Emil

      Hot dogs make me nervous because they are about the same diameter as a trachea (chocking hazard). As I say this I do realize that my obsessive anxiety is likely far more likely to be detrimental to my children than a hot dog.

    • Spiderpigmom

      Just cut them lengthwise, problem solved. I share your pain, but I’m worse; after reading the news about a 2 yo choking to death on a piece of apple in my home country, I’ve been watching my poor 2 yo like a hawk each time he’s been eating (tiny bits of) apple. And yes, I’m saving for his future therapy.

    • Kate

      Yes, I have attended the funeral of a child who choked on a hot dog. I am against them. Sorry.

    • Rachel Sea

      The problem with hot dogs is that they’re made with bits of meat that no one likes to think about, and processed with everything science has to offer (delicious, delicious science). Veggie dogs are just soy or other vegetable protein in hot dog shape, no better or worse than any other soy or veggie protein shape.

      I only buy organic produce when it’s available, because it is so much more delicious. I don’t know why, but it smells and tastes better (especially tomatoes), and my wife and I can both tell the difference when one of us buys a conventional substitute in a pinch.

    • Katia

      Agreed! Why would you eat or feed our darlings something that would make you gag if you saw it being made from beginning to end?
      Like spam or hotdogs…
      Veggie dogs are fine though.

    • Kelby Johnson

      I glance at the organic section at the grocery store, does that count? I can’t afford that shit!

    • whiteroses

      My son doesn’t like organic hot dogs. You know what he likes?
      Chick-Fil-A unbreaded nuggets. So you know what I did tonight?
      Yep, you guessed it :)

  • Bailey

    In addition to the bedtime one, I lie about our bedtime routine in general. So many of the moms I know have a ridiculous 45 minute bedtime routine every.single.night. A nice long bath, lotion, a story, 4 books per child, snuggles, water…and on and on (obviously I’m exaggerating, but not much). My kids are usually in bed 5-10 minutes after we announce that it is bedtime. We then usually spend the next 30 minutes telling them to stop messing around and go to sleep. If I thought a 45 minute routine would aid in getting them to go to sleep immediately, I might consider but I doubt it would. Most of the parents I know with an involved routine still end up having kids that don’t go immediately to sleep.

  • Sara610

    I know that this is (mostly) tongue-in-cheek, but I think there’s a big question here–WHY should anyone feel that she has to lie about her parenting to keep up with some ridiculous standard? If another mom is going to be a big old sanctimommy about things like hot dogs (I grew up on Hebrew Nationals, and I’m still alive and haven’t grown a third arm yet), the fact that she raises her voice (because she’s human and human beings do that), etc., then it should be HER problem, not everyone else’s job to try to keep up the facade.

    My daughter is only two, so I have a lot of years ahead of me of dealing with sanctimommies, but it’s only recently that I’ve been able to start owning my parenting decisions without guilt.

    Yes, I stopped nursing and switched to formula when my daughter was four months old. Because I was back at work full-time and she was a REALLY hungry baby, and dammit, pumping enough to keep up with her appetite while working my full-time job was just too damn hard so I stopped.

    Yes, my daughter sometimes eats hot dogs and mac and cheese.

    Yes, we sleep-trained and yes, it involved crying.

    No, I haven’t tracked her milestones since she turned a year old. I sure as hell don’t keep them written down in a log anywhere. And I am absolutely, unequivocally, unapologetically pro-vaccine.

    Yes, I have been known to flip on an Elmo DVD in the mornings so I can get a few minutes to drink my coffee and get warmed up for the day.

    My daughter is safe, happy, loved and healthy. At the end of the day, that’s enough for me and any Sanctimommy who feels some bizarre need to build herself up by denigrating the parenting choices of others can go suck on a lemon and leave the rest of us in peace.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      I have to say that I haven’t encountered a lot of sanctimommies in real life. Mostly just on the internet and those are easy to avoid.

    • Paul White

      I’ve run into one or two strangers that wanted to sanctimommy us over formula and daycare; I don’t know why anyone would bother being polite to them though.

    • Sara610

      I haven’t run into many, but I have run into a couple. I think it’s easier to be a Sanctimommy online because of the feeling of invincibility that comes with being relatively anonymous. It’s the same reason that I’m able to be so much more frank and blunt when discussing vaccination with anti-vaxxers online. I’m working on getting up the nerve to hold my ground as well in face-to-face discussions, but it’s just plain harder.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      Yeah. I guess in real life it’s usually done a lot less confrontational, so it’s harder to get worked up about because it’s relatively innocuous. Y’know, it’s like you offer a beer to someone that comes to your house, and instead of saying “no thank you”, they say “No, I don’t drink in front of my kid”. Well, now I feel like an ass, but I’m not going to engage with them about it because it’s not like they really said anything hurtful or mean. But on the internet, it’d be all “oh goodness no, you shouldn’t drink in front of your children because I read this article by Uppity McUpface and there was a study of like 5 families and the kids whose parents drank in front of them were 300 times more likely to become Rush Limbaugh”.

    • Lori B.

      Louis CK had a awesome tweet (or maybe he said it in an interview?) about not allowing his kids to have cell phones or something. The jist of it was that being online allows people to post things without knowing the reaction of the other person. His example was more in opposition to online bullying. He gave the example of a kid calling another kid “fat” then seeing how that made the other person feel and learning empathy. Online, you never have to see how the other person feels when you judge them. Sactimommies can say whatever they want online without seeing how the other person feels.

    • Lauren Wasinger

      It was on Conan. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c It was glorious.

    • Ennis Demeter

      Ironically, he’s kind of being a sanctidaddy by saying that.

    • Larkin

      Hahahahahahaha. That “study” just made my afternoon.

      Although I think some of my in-laws would be MORE inclined to drink in front of their kids if they read that.

    • Rachel Sea

      Because trying to have a real conversation with some people is just not worth it, and blandly agreeing shuts down what would otherwise become a full-on bitch fight.

    • Sara610

      But I’ve never found that it has to be either-or. I had a run-in with a Sanctimommy just recently, who was HORRIFIED that I had dared to put my daughter throught trauma of sleep-training. I let her finish her diatribe, and then said, “Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree. This approach worked well for me and my family” and then found a way to end the conversation.
      I think my problem with the whole “lying about my parenting to keep up with the standard” is that this is how the whole sanctimommy culture is furthered and enabled. Why should I feel guilty about owning my parenting choices? I don’t have to engage the sanctimommy or try to convince her that I’m right, and if she really starts haranguing me I can just end the conversation without feeding into the drama.

    • Rachel Sea

      It’s probably because I’m not naturally a chatty person, but I find a non-committal, “Mmm,” to be the best response when faced with someone trying to spread the crazy, because I have zero interest in listening to those diatribes.

      There are times when a conversation explaining your choices is desirable, but when faced with someone really militant, I can’t be bothered.

    • EcnoTheNeato

      Yeah, I think most of these lies are more of a “nod your head when someone asks/talks to you about this topic.” Not a “walk up to your playdate’s mom and say ‘You’ll never guess HOW MUCH OF AN ANGEL my son was last night, because, you know, we have a strict schedule.’” sorta thing. Know what I mean?

      Or if someone walks up and talks about how glorious organic fruit is, and how hot dogs are the devil, then asks you a question about it, you can tell they’re a stupid crusader who isn’t worth your time. So you smile, nod, give an “mmm” and then immediately talk about something else…

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      It was meant to be very tongue-in-cheek – but I do like to pick my battles. Sometimes it’s just easier not to get into a full-on conversation about these things!

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      Sometimes you just don’t want to argue, debate or defend yourself because a sanctimommy will put you in the position to do so whether they are friends with kids, without kids, coworkers, family members or strangers.

    • Amber Starr

      At the risk of sounding like a total kiss-ass, you sound like an AWESOME mom!

    • Tinyfaeri

      pffft. Someone being nice in a comments section. Don’t you know you’re on the internet?!

    • Amber Starr

      BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, my bad….. Ummm…

      Your religion/sexual orientation/political affiliation SUCK BALLLLLZ! Better?? ;)

    • Sara610

      Thank you! My friend told me while I was pregnant, “You’re going to get a lot of conflicting advice about what you ‘should’ do when you’re a parent. Just forget the advice and do what you know in your gut is right.”

      There are some areas where we didn’t do that–when we were getting ready to sleep train, you better believe I read the hell out of Marc Weissbluth’s book–but in most areas, we do.

    • Katie Shell

      The problem here is that as moms we like to talk about what’s important to us and have a lot of guilt when we feel we are doing something not perfect. I breastfed each kid 2 1/2 year, and CIO makes my heart hurt, I am also pro-vaccine-choice. I don’t have any need to belittle your positions or choices. I have plenty of things that don’t fit into my ideal mold, like I yell and we watch way too much tv, and get too many french fries. I tend to shout the parts that I’m proud of and whisper the things that I’m not. Part of that is for my own sake, not to show I’m better than others but to keep myself in check. Unfortunately, I feel like articles like this separate us more on our differences, by name calling.I really am just a peace loving hippy at heart and so that makes me do a lot of things as a parent, and even be an advocate for some of the things I’m the most passionate about. It also makes me want to be supportive of everyone out there figuring it all out for themselves, free of judgement.

  • kay

    why i love my playgroup:

    “i realized the baby can see the tv!”

    “me too!”

    “I know, he was MESMERIZED the other day!”

    “we watched the whole season of Dexter together”

    no judging!

    (our babies are all less than 6 months old. none of us are like, setting up the bouncy chair and wandering away or anything)

  • http://oldnewberries.blogspot.com/ Melanie Makin

    I am so impressed that this comments thread has not yet been infested with anti-vaccers with long lists of anecdotal “evidence” from such scientific sites as YouTube, Mercola, and Natural Health News.

    • Toaster

      Give it time.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      You know, there was an article about it the other day, and they didn’t hop on too terribly much (at least the last time I checked). We run them off. :)

  • Kate

    I guess I’m a sanctimommy on the hot dog thing. Our dear friends lost their 2-year-old son because of this. It’s a very serious choking hazard that I really don’t think should be taken lightly.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Oh god- that is awful. I”m so sorry. I wasn’t talking about how dangerous of a shape they are – that too, horrifies me. I cut them into small pieces. Choking is one of my biggest fears honestly.

    • Kate

      Yeah, I figured you didn’t mean the choking aspects…but I wanted to point them out because I think parents are unaware of how common this is. They’re actually also a risk factor for the elderly. My grandfather nearly died choking on a slice of hot dog, too, when he was hospitalized in the final days of his life.

    • Sara610

      That’s terrible. I also cut them lengthwise before cutting them in slices. Yes, that scares me too……so sorry for your friend.

  • lookwhoshere

    This is why I am not friends with a lot of women, let alone other mothers. We, as a sex, generally speaking of course, are the most judgmental creatures. What I want to know is where are of you awesome ladies are so that we can drink our mama juice at the park while our TV watching, binkie sucking, vaccinated, hot dog eating, hell spawn that never sleep play?

    • Véronique Houde

      we’re still waiting for koa to buy that greek island so we can all start our own cool country ;)

  • http://brain-soup.blogspot.com/ Shannon akaMonty

    I find the whole idea of “playdates” ridiculous. Probably because I don’t like kids (except mine). Or people.

    • http://lotusbloomsalexandria.com/ Rebecca Hiles

      This is exactly the mindset I have about children and people in general.

    • http://brain-soup.blogspot.com/ Shannon akaMonty

      Welcome to my world. Only don’t stand too close. :)

  • lemon floor wax

    Wait wait wait…if your friend’s kid was in an Elmo hat, wouldn’t that mean she let HIM watch TV? Or was she like, “Here, child, put on this frightening hat that looks like a red mutant/monster with huge eyes and shut up about it. No, I will NOT tell you who it is. You are wearing it IRONICALLY. Now roll up your skinny jeans and grab your Pumpkin Spice Latte.”

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Yes! She was basically saying she got it at a garage sale and he had no idea who it was he just likes the color red. Can you believe that???

    • Emmali Lucia

      I think she’s full of shiiiiiiiit.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      I’d have had to have been like, “Thanks for the tip….(cough), bitch.”

    • Katie Shell

      I have to say that happens to us all the time. We watch tv, but there are soooo many shows and every kid thing has some character on it.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      I was soooo hoping someone commented on that.

    • Larkin

      Right??? That’s what I was wondering too.

    • Katie Shell

      You can’t buy anything without a cartoon logo on it. We have lots of things with characters that my kids don’t know.

  • Amber Starr

    I never realized how rough “Mommy Land” can be. Now that I’m pregnant with my first, I have been doing a ton of reading (since I have NO idea what the hell I’m doing), and the whole idea of the sanctimommy baffles me. I see posts on Facebook about “VACCINES ARE THE DEVIL AND WILL MAKE YOUR KID AUTISTIC!” and “IF YOU DON’T BREASTFEED YOUR BABY, SHE WILL SUFFER FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRR!”. Thank god for the “block button”.

    I can’t wait for the day where I run into someone in real life who belittles me for letting my kid eat a hot dog once in a blue moon.

    • Tinyfaeri

      Meh, in general people mind their own business in real life, at least around me. The ones that don’t pick such silly things like no shoes on a baby that isn’t walking yet, a baby wearing PJs in public, a baby with one sock on (hey, if it bothers her, maybe she won’t do it again, but since she does constantly, I’m thinking it doesn’t bother her), etc. I think the internet brings out the judgy in people, even when it’s not anonymous.

  • AlexMMR

    I just tell the naked truths and let sanctimommies hate me all they want. Fine by me because all the normal mommies are coming up to me afterwards and in hushed tones telling me how awesome I am and thanking me for admitting stuff.

  • blh

    What’s with this play date crap? When I was a kid I went to my friends or they came to my house alone. Our parents didn’t hang out unless they were friends. You don’t need to be with your kid 24/7.

    • Véronique Houde

      sometimes it feels nice to get to know other moms and hang out with adults that you can have a real conversation. I think that’s the goal at least!

    • blh

      Well I can understand that but I just hang out with my own friends not random moms.

    • Ennis Demeter

      Very young children need a little more planning and supervision, and just arranging to go home with your friend after school can also be called a play date.

    • Justme

      A play date is code for “let’s let our kids play while we drink wine and eat pizza.”

  • G.S.

    When I was a kid (like, 7) my mom told me that Lunchables were straight-up poison when I asked for them. Looking back, I think she said that more for the fact that they were way too expensive for 3 kids in school at the time instead of for any health reasons. Wallet-poison, if you will. At the time though, I’d have an absolute freak-out if I ever saw another kid eat them, since I legit thought they made them in a poison factory with little poison signs everywhere.

    And as for rage-inducting “tv causes Autism” lady:


  • whiteroses

    I try to feed my 15 month old son organic. Sometimes I don’t do so well, but I try. If other people can’t, who am I to criticize? My son has seen the inside of a Chick-Fil-A far more often than I’d like to admit.
    I normally don’t yell. I have once or twice under extreme stress. But sometimes, I do put him in his crib by himself for three minutes because I’m sorry, but if you want to throw a tantrum, nobody else has to listen to it. Also- a toddler mid-tantrum doesn’t care if they hurt your feelings.
    I love being a mom. I would take a bullet for my child without a single moment’s hesitation, and I miss him when I’m not around him. But sometimes, oh my God, what I wouldn’t give to have three hours to myself where I can pee alone and maybe take a long nap. And honestly? Show me a mom who says they love every single minute of parenting and I will show you someone who has never had to clean up a diaper blowout while sick with the flu.
    My son has been fully vaccinated since his birth. Not vaccinating is stupid, and I don’t care if someone doesn’t agree with me on that, because not vaccinating doesn’t mean that your kid won’t “catch autism” (as if it’s some terrible disease), or that you love your kid more than the rest of us who refuse to “pump our children full of chemicals”. It means that your kid could fucking die. Or kill someone else. Science. Boom.

  • SarahJesness

    Phone thing seems weird to me. Yeah, it’s not something I would do if I had young kids because I’d be too afraid they’d screw up the phone, (I only recently started owning a smartphone so it’s still like, a big thing for me) but if other parents want to do it, well, it’s not gonna harm the kids. A phone is no different from any other thing used to distract kids.

  • Simone

    I have a friend whom I love, but who also reads Alpha Parent. She does a lot of stuff I failed at, but also, I’m on my second baby and she’s on her first.

    She proudly told me that her daughter’s never had puree, because she practices baby-led weaning and only feeds her entire small pieces of natural soft or steamed foods. I told her that my son likes Nutri-Grain with Milo on top and that I blitz ham and pineapple pizza for him. Hell, I will puree anything for him.

    Anyway she is organic, baby-wearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding only, all great stuff if it works for you – don’t get me wrong, I’m not criticising her in the least.

    I just thought it was funny when she found out the other day that she herself was raised on tinned Carnation milk.

    • EcnoTheNeato

      In the vein of your last sentence (which was awesome):

      If I’m ever “caught” bottle feeding my kid, and someone decides to “educate” me about formula vs. breast, I’ll simply tell them “Well, I was raised on breast milk, and I’m an absolute fucking failure. So I figured that by giving him/her formula, they would at least have a chance at life…”

    • Prudence Dagg

      Since breast milk can be pumped, one would think they wouldn’t know enough to “judge” either way just by seeing the bottle. :) If they’re carefully evaluating the color of what’s in the bottle, that might be a little odd.

  • Aron

    Oh haha its funny to be a bad parents. Obviously some people go overboard. But the hard truth parents have more to do with suicide than a bully.

  • fluffle

    I’m not a parent yet, expecting our first at the end of this month. But everybody is already all up in our friggin business as if we’re having THEIR kid or something. “Don’t name them ____”. “Cloth diapers? You don’t want to do that!” “You’re gonna be sure to_____, right? It’s really important that you _____ right away!” So yeah, I can see these lies coming in handy soon…

  • Kels J Farra

    This is beautiful. Omg… I’m an aunt, and I also deal with this whenever I’m out-and-about with my nephew. If it keeps him quiet I’m letting him have it. He can throw my phone out the window if he wants, just as long as he’s quiet!

  • Katie Shell

    I really don’t want to come across as judgey, but can’t we all just get along without making fun of each other? If that’s how you feel comfortable dealing with other parents that’s great, but why is it necessary to put down moms that are trying to do their best, cause that’s what we are all doing. Can’t we just talk about what we do and why we do it without making fun of those that choose a different path.

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