• Wed, Sep 18 - 6:00 pm ET

5 Moms Who Love Their Kids But Hate Being A Mom

vintage pregnant momParenthood can be a soul exhausting experience. Day in and day out diaper changing, cooking for picky palates, soothing, bed time management, and school shuttling can grate on any human. But stigmas regarding how much and what you can complain about pervade motherhood. While it’s semi-safe to bitch about how you don’t enjoy a particular avenue of motherhood or have fleeting moments of regretting having kids, coming right out and saying “I hate being mom” is the kind of sentiment that can clear a room. That’s why every time some lone mommy blogger goes there, they always lead in with “I love my children, but…”

I happened upon the following women and their stories during my routine mommy discussion board visits. They’re united in the feeling of being duped by parenting mythologies, or rather a “fairy tale,” according to one. They all claim to hate being a mom but they all maintain that they love their children. The space between those two experiences may be a lot wider than we often times think.

1. TV Commercials Are Lieshatemothering1

2. Nobody Tells You How Awful It Ishatemothering2

3. WTF Did I Do?


4. Can’t Even Take A Dumphatemothering4 5. I Feel Alone All The Timehatemothering6(photo: deflam)

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  • Diane

    Wow, I’m so glad I found this thread! I feel less crazy and guilty already. Love the term, “mombies”!
    For me, I think a lot of my mommyhood hatred comes from being an introvert and having a very mommy-attached kid from day 1. Until very recently, we lived 3,000 miles away from family, so he never got used to grandparents. Even now, at 2 yo, he still doesn’t let them entertain him while I go to the bathroom. Ridiculous. Also, he is a total sleepamatard. Now, I’m 2.5 months away from having our second. I have somehow deluded myself into thinking that having two might somehow help matters. (Yeah, you see now how crazy I really am.)

  • Grumpy

    This is what I hate about being a mother:
    1) The mess. My kids (husband too) are mean slobs. I am NOT a neat freak by any means, but to even maintain my minimal standards of order I would have to spend every minute of every day “picking up” and I resent it to the core of my being. I have tried numerous strategies to get them to pitch in (they are 4, 7 and 12 ) – it invariably ends up being more trouble/frustration than it is worth . I scold, punish, talk, teach, beg, plead, yell, reason when they make a mess and don’t clean it up. It has no effect. I HATE that it takes days and days of tail-chasing, two-steps-forward-three-steps-back cleaning to be able to have guests over. I HATE the humiliation I feel when someone drops in unexpectedly and they see the normal state of our house. My husband feels no shame in this – but as the wife/mother/woman I know people expect me to keep the order. Isn’t it ironic that they get to f^*&ing walk around creating chaos and I am the one judged for it?!

    2) Having ZERO personal space. It drives me INSANE that I have absolutely no expectation of privacy in my own home. It infuriates me that people take my personal items like brushes, make-up, lotions, tooth-brushes and use them without asking. I HATE that I can’t put something on my desk or in my purse and expect that it will be there when I return for it. I literally have to lock my things up if I expect to be able to find them again. Again – I have spent 12 years begging, pleading, etc. etc. trying to resolve this issue – nothing has worked. This is not to mention the issues involved with having nothing more than a table top desk and a chest of drawers that I can even call my own.

    3) WHINING. My four year old is the biggest whiner on the planet and it drives me crazy. The first words out of her mouth every morning are whiny and it doesn’t end until she goes to bed at night. I would lay down my life for her without a second thought – but I can hardly stand to be around her.

    4) Having no time or money for activities that I enjoy. There is no time for reading or creative projects or exercising or…..anything. If there is time to be found it needs to be spent cleaning/organizing. I know I know – the cleaning will still be there when I’m done. I just don’t really enjoy doing anything in the middle of a bomb blast zone – I just can’t ignore it (you have to take my word for it that I am not a neat freak – it truly does look like a bomb went off in my house most of the time – that’s how bad it is). There is no money for date nights – or really anything that I would like to do. Now that teen-aged babysitters charge $10+/hour (which is only .75/hour less than what I earn as an educated, experienced full-time manager with a great deal of responsibility) every outing has to involve the children – so every outing has to be about them or they will punish us for it.

    5) Ungratefulness. My husband and I work long hard hours for very little pay. It takes a huge amount of work to make that money stretch into a living. They see me do it – the coupon clipping, the deal chasing, the constant calculating of costs and benefits for each and every purchase – trying to turn pennies into nickles, and nickles into dimes. I am proud to be able to provide for them until – they take the yogurt out of the fridge, take two bites and let the rest rot. Or they fill a bowl with cereal and way too much milk – eat half the cereal and let the milk spoil on the counter. I try to explain to them -then beg, plead, scold, punish yell. Like everything else it makes no difference – they just keep doing it. Don’t even get me started on Christmas or buying clothes and arranging hair cuts for a picky tween.

    6) I hate feeling angry all the time.

    I feel like my children are stealing my life. I had my youngest when I was 41 so I’ll be nearly 60 when she reaches adulthood. I don’t expect to live to a ripe old age (I’ve already had cancer once) so I feel my days ticking away and all I get to do is clean, and be ignored, and humiliated, and walked-all over and angry. I know they are this way because I am an ineffective parent – yet their teachers all tell me how wonderful they are – really – I’m not lying. If they can be so great for other people than they must just hate me. I want to leave, but I can’t. Instead I dream about their high school graduation days and the letters I will write to each of them which will say, “I love you but if you expect to live another minute in my house you will follow my rules, including keeping your sh#t picked up and keeping your f$%^ing hands off my things. Can’t do that? – I’ll be happy to help you pack. Oh – and your rent will be due on the first.”

    • over it

      OMG..I didn’t even get to that part..where my 16 yr old takes every bit of makeup I own AFTER buying her everything she needs. We re not supposed to have anything. We are door mat

      I relate to everything you are saying, but don’t count on the growing up thing, because they will still be there

  • Bec

    I feel the same as these mothers. My sons are now 8 and 5 and there has been very little enjoyment from being a mother. The fact my sons fight all day, every day. They don’t listen to anything I say. My house is constant mess even though I constantly clean and tidy. I didn’t bond emotionally with my first son after a traumatic labor and delivery. I had more emotional attachment to my second son that quickly disappeared after 3 years. I find no enjoyment or reward in being a mother. I’d like to say I love my sons but I’m not sure if I do. If love means feeding them, clothing them, keeping house, comforting “booboo’s”, taking them to school and providing for their educational needs then yes, I love them. But, if I could go back 9 years and know what I know now about motherhood; the despair, the lack of appreciation, being trapped within the four walls of my home, the constant fighting & yelling, tantrums, 24/7 questions and the bad behavior….I would never of had children. I’m paranoid to the point where I take a pregnancy test every 2 months so don’t go over the dreaded 12 week mark and be refused an abortion. I wouldn’t have another child for any some of money, unless it was enough to send the child to boarding school for their entire childhood. I do not see the point of having children for me. Sure, I’m raising my sons to be respectful, law abiding, contributing members of society but what has that cost me? It’s cost me my freedom, my career, my finances, my home, my body, my emotional sanity, my sexual being and my relationship. I retain hope imagining the day where my eldest son is 14 so I can leave my children at home alone without breaking the law. Whenever a friend confesses she wants to have a baby I honestly tell them how I feel about motherhood. I keep my children safe, I worry about them at school (i.e regarding bullying and safety), I can’t stand to watch them attempt a back flip on the tramp and grit my teeth and close my eyes when their dad gives them a ride on his quad bike. I do care for my children. I provide for my children. I want them to feel loved and cared for and that they’re special and unique people but at the end of my day I feel that becoming a mother was the worst decision of my life

  • over it

    It doesn’t get any better either. it is a thankless job, and I don’t hate being a mother..I HATE MYSELF for having kids.. I had kids by 2 of the most selfish bastards alive, and I want to shout to the world..BE CAREFUL WHO YOU HAVE KIDS WITH!! My kids are the most selfish ungrateful fake people ever (Like their dads).

    I feel like I gave them everything I had, and feel washed out.. out of 7 there are 2 that do some little stuff to help me when they decide, but not always when I need, There are 2 that I want to run away from that live in my house 25M , 16F..She is a horror and making the quality of my life ZERO, because I am legally responsible for her. 25 year old bum who quit his job and lives in the basement running up my bills on video games..never leaves the house..A 20 yr old mother who thinks we owe her a living for her becoming a teen parent (She doesn’t even have to take care of the child..more like she is a babysitter reluctantly), and had gone from selfless to totally selfish at 14. She pays pennies towards my single mother household and wouldn’t even let me have the 2 free plastic wine glasses she got from her job, when she and her friends use everything I own, including my house for parties.

    I have 6 adult children and 1 16 year older, and I didn’t get one thing for Christmas …Maybe I expect too much. This was a rant but boy if I went on and on, it could be 2 weeks worth.

    And I hate the phoney moms who post all over facebook about how wonderful it is ..YUCK.

    I just do not want this anymore and still have 2 years to be obligated .. One more thing. I have been a damn good mother (And wife for that matter to 2 pieces of crap)..Just so over it!!

    I am in my late 50s now and feel like my life is a waste (almost)

    • JMO

      Don’t worry, when the last one becomes 18, move the hell away and kick all the bums in the street and salvage what is left of your life! They disrespect you, use and abuse you, drain you and don’t even get you Christmas presents??? OH HELL NO! RUN AWAY GIRL, RUN AWAY WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE!

  • KP

    I totally understand all these points. I wanted a kid so bad. I cried all the time and I did months of fertility treatments. I finally got pregnant and had a baby, then everything was completely different than people tell you it will be. She cried nonstop, I couldn’t do anything, my husband works thirds so I was alone all night and most of the day with her.
    She is now almost 9 months old and it isn’t much easier. I feel like my daughter cries more than any other baby. She wants constant attention and she screams until she gets it. All these people on my facebook talk about how amazing motherhood is and how they can’t wait to have more kids, and I just don’t understand it. She still doesn’t sleep through the night and she won’t sleep anywhere but her swing, I’ve been trying but she won’t sleep in her crib for anything.
    I love her so much, but honestly I don’t even know myself anymore. I’ve become this huge bitch who doesn’t leave the house and snaps at my husband over little things. My house is messy all the time, I have no money, and I feel like nobody understands how I feel. I haven’t been eating any different, yet I just keep gaining weight. I’m so stressed out that I don’t even enjoy the little things anymore. People say it gets better, but when? I feel like I am dead on the inside. :(

    • over it

      I do understand what you are going through. It sounds like a replica of my first time (child) ..husband working third, alone night and day because of it. I had only decided to nurse because my breasts were so engorged they hurt. Then she hung on them all night and that is the only way she would sleep. She cried endlessly until she was 4.

      And now she is 32 and I have to walk on eggshells around her, because she doesn’t really like me because I ruined her teen years by getting a 2nd husband who was 20 yrs younger than me. Town Scandal.
      While I understand her shame now that I am older, it is almost 20 years later, and I feel (and my other kids) that she is really just delusional and a little psycho. I have been trying to fix it. She doesn’t want our relationship fixed.

      But I am sorry that you are going through this. Just a little tip. Your baby is not going to die if you take a moment to yourself by letting her cry herself to sleep, or swing herself to sleep. Doing for yourself does not make you a bad mother. You have to make sure you have some form of life because they will have their own lives when they grow up and otherwise you will be left sitting there with no more friends, no more life..all by yourself.

  • e.

    I HATE BEING A MOM!!!! yep there is nothing about it that I like. Plus it does not help that I am a single mom and her dad is so uselesssss. I will be graduating college May 2015 and all I want to do is be focused on my career. ( I am 32). My kid holds me back so much at times in all aspects. Taking on more projects, traveling, being able to pick up extra hours at work. I really do not enjoy being a mother at all. She was planned and had I known what this shit is really like I would have NEVER had kids. I had a tubal ligation in June because I am soooo done. I have no desire to have another child. It is very hard and practically impossible to find something that is fun about being a mom. I HATE IT!!!

  • Callie

    I have two kids, ages 5 and 2. I do regret my decision to have them, and as the days/weeks/years go by I wonder if I will be able to stick it out (I think about suicide a lot). I love them, but. BUT. They have drained me in every way: financially, emotionally, intellectually, physically. My relationship with my husband has suffered tremendously, which hurts me so much because for over 10 years my marriage was my greatest source of pride/strength.

    FYI, since there has been debate about this on this thread, I will say that I chose to have the second because my husband really wanted two. That’s the only reason.

    If you have pre-existing mental health issues like I do, please think long and hard about your limits and capabilities before having kids.

  • Dixie

    The thing is I don’t hate being a Mom, I just find the whole thing unmanageable. We have four, ranging in age from 14 to 3. My husband is away with work most of the time, he tries to be supportive but I don’t think he has any idea what it is like. I feel like I am failing my kids, and myself. And yes if I could do it all over again I don’t think I would have had kids. So why do I feel like such a horrible person for saying that?

  • Sarah Nelson

    It’s nice to see people being honest. Let’s face it. We all need to vent sometimes. I agree with SO much of what has been said in this discussion and it’s so rare to find a discussion group I feel that way about. It’s all true. The comments about hating it and it being harder than anyone ever thought it could be are true, and it’s equally true that women’s were not meant to do this 24/7 completely alone. It IS inhumane to have to do that and I feel for anyone in that situation. I have guilt over the fact that I share the child raising responsibilities equally with my husband and I STILL feel like it’s hard. I honestly do not know how I would hold it together doing it mostly alone like so many of you are. I am in graduate school and the reality is that my time is divided into so many different directions it’s kind of ridiculous some days. I always said I didn’t want kids. When I was pregnant I thought WTF am I doing. Truth is that my son was a surprise and my husband and I were so happy in our relationship that it didn’t make sense not to have him. Yet I doubted myself every second of my pregnancy and in the first few months I was like WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?! That being said I love him a tremendous amount. Some days I think my heart will explode I love him so much. It has changed….everything. I think everyone here knows how that is. But I’ve made some powerful decisions in the last two months that have really transformed my view on this thing called motherhood and I’m starting to enjoy it SO much more. The first is that I started taking time for myself…period. I don’t care if I feel like I should, or if I can, or if it’s fair. I’m doing it anyway!! I started working out 3 times a week. Just for an hour. But I go to the gym, take a class and then shower at the gym. It’s hard to fit it into the budget but I’m sacrificing other things to make it happen but boy is it saving my sanity and making me a nicer person. Same thing about socializing. We figure out a way to have sitters for dates and also take turns going out to see our friends individually a couple times a month. We often trade with another family for a date night so we don’t have to shell out for a sitter every time. When we don’t do these things I start going crazy. Taking care of me is number one priority now. If I’m losing it then something has to be different. Mamas your families NEED you to take care of you. I know that isn’t easy but I encourage you to keep trying to find a way. Lots of love to all of you!

  • H

    I’m a single mother and I can’t say I identify or ever have with these posts. Hardest was the first few weeks when she would cry because she wanted to be held and moving to sleep. I don’t have support but she’s 6 now and I feel every single day I am the luckiest person alive to be a mother. It’s much scarier- supporting her, I wish there was more financial security, but the actual being a mom not the single part? Best thing in the world. And she was a surprise when I was on birth control pills.

  • ThatMom

    I don’t see anybody addressing the women without depression, who have full time daycare, have no money issues and still feel the same.

  • Kristina Gilmer

    I’ve been feeling so lost lately, I battled depression before meeting my husband and had left a controlling relationship before meeting him…when I met him I felt like I was living my life for the first time, I was 22 and he was the second person I’d been with my life and I felt like the best part of me was finally coming through. Shortly after meeting I became pregnant and everything changed, everything that I thought I was, that I wanted in my life, every dream, gone. We’ve been together for 5 years now and have a 2 year old and a 3 year old amongst it all we’ve moved more than a dozen times, we’ve grieved the death of not only his mother but youngest sister, grown together and apart as a couple, as a wife and husband, as parents. I never wanted to work when I became a mom but with all of lifes curveballs everything has changed and even when work used to be my sanctuary everything just comes flooding back as soon as I walk in the front door. Not having family or friends to support me and feeling like I’m hitting a brick wall when talking to my husband because for some reason we are further apart than ever and my roller-coaster emotions are the direct cause. Some days I just want to scream in between tears because I love my girls and I know that I don’t have much time to enjoy those little things, this is the time to treasure most right? Its just one vicious cycle, no break, no relief, I’m so busy worrying about making sure that the girls are happy by the fact of finances and groceries and cleaning and cooking, and so on and so on. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I have nobody to talk to about what I’m going through, all I feel is guilt, I blame myself for everything thats going wrong in my life, I hate it so much, I hate hating the things that I love so much, I hate who I am. Just feeling really lost.

  • Mons

    Shouldn’t have became a parent then, if you couldn’t handle it.

  • Victoria

    My two boys are in their 20′s now. I’m barely 40 and I don’t see the hype…it’s all bullshit. While I raised them I felt hope and worked so hard to ensure that I raised decent human beings that are good citizens of earth, however, the teenage years were horrific for me as a single parent. We fought like crazy, I had to counsel my self to just keep going everyday. I even called the suicide helpline several times as I wanted it all to end at times. Now that they are grown up, the older one moved to another state and is married, and we get along fine. He seems to love me, but the younger one is definitely full of animosity toward me. The shitty part is that the sperm donor was never their either financially or emotionally for them, so somehow I got the credit for them not having the perfect life. I worked 3 jobs when they were growing up, bought a house that they put holes in the walls and just mostly disrespected. Never in a million years did I think it would end up like this. Everyone is saying that he will come around one day, perhaps when he has his own family. I want to know why I need to be there when I feel like shit just breathing everyday. I put my worth into being their parent and now I feel as if there is no more meaning. I have an amazing boyfriend and the best relationship that I have ever experienced, but I can’t shake this feeling of utter failure and doom. The scary thing is that I see people my age and older still treating their moms like shit. I have this fantasy of going somewhere far away and pretending that I was never a mom to anybody. To me, it’s like being in an abusive relationship that you can’t ever get out of. I want to not feel anymore…there are some things I wish I could erase from my mind and my heart, and being a mom is one of those things at this point. Although he is a good person, he treats me like shit, and if I say how I feel, I lose him for days or weeks on end…and here is the icing on the cake…he now only knows me and my boyfriend when he needs something. I am so fucking embarrassed and disappointed. I feel as if the whole time they were growing up, I was under the illusion that I was worth something as long as I was the best mom I could be. Now I feel as if I wasted love on people who barely tolerated me, and one who doesn’t even want to tolerate me. I feel like becoming a parent saved me from certain ruin, but it’s not a happy ending so far. I am told by others that I need to let him go…how do I let my son go, when I love him very much, but I don’t know how to get him to even like me. I feel used and stupid, he lives with us at the moment, and will leave for day on end and won’t give me any details about his life at all. Holy shit, have I been had. SMFH.

  • Tired and sick of it

    Oh my goodness. I’m not alone. I feel so bloody alone, but I’m not. I hate being a mum. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Hate feeling fat, tired and ugly all the time. Hate the constant guilt if I try to take a moment to myself. Hate the constant whining, mess, poopy nappies, food thrown on the floor, the tantrums. I hate that I can’t leave the house without something going wrong, and yet I go stir crazy if home for too long. I hate how lonely and isolated I feel every single day. I hate the constant “mummy mummy mummy” and the little ones climbing on me when I try to take a much needed rest. I hate all of it, every single moment. I love my kids but I don’t want them.i want to g back. I want to feel young, beautiful and intelligent again. I want a job, friends, travel, life. I wis I could run far far away, away from them and this constant misery.

  • M

    I typed “I hate being a mother” into the Google search engine just to see if anyone felt like I did. I certainly don’t feel better knowing that other moms feel this way too, but I certainly know exactly where they are coming from. I have a 10 year old, an 11 month old, and I am currently 6 months pregnant. I can’t figure out how this happened, well, I mean I know HOW it happened, but not the why part. Men never pull out in time, now matter how they assure you they will, they won’t. If DH wasn’t so darn charming. Anyhow… I look at their sweet faces, and all I can think is how God did them an injustice by giving them me as a mommy. They deserve so much more. I have come to the conclusion that they really would be happier and more at peace without me. All I’m going to do is continue to rob them of their smiles, and teach them how to be the opposite of a good mommy. I have friends who are struggling to conceive, and all I can think is what a horrible person I am, with almost 3 children, and just wanting to run away and be a hermit in the mountains somewhere speaking to the animals and never shaving again. I can’t figure out how I became such a terrible person. Well, I’m not Ted Bundy terrible, but I am certainly not the “mom” I’m supposed to be. I yelled at my baby today. He’s teething (this kid is 11 months and has his 16 teeth – two of which are pushing through), a on a hunger strike, and even though I logically understand it and get it, emotionally I’m friggin Godzilla wanting to spew fire over the entire world. The world tells me to be authentically me, but it seems like it is also telling me that I should just be medicated and faking my way through it. I’m tired. I’m angry. And I’m confused.