Back to school time is awesome for many reasons. Fall is knocking on our door, which means sweater weather and leaves falling, Starbucks starts selling pumpkin flavored everything again (SQUEE!) and the best part? The kids go back to school. YEAH, I said it. Back to mother fucking SCHOOL. For a few blessed hours, on the days during the week when I’m not at the office, I get some kid-free bliss, and I’m not going to apologize for enjoying it.

That being said, we all know that schools are nothing but disease ridden, sickness factories that breed nothing but learning and misery for the first three months. Without fail, since I was a little kid myself, the first three months of school have brought sore throats, sneezing, coughing, itching, nose bleeds, boils, bubonic buboes, anal leakage, and pink eye. Basically Ebola. But no worries my parenting warriors, there are precautions you can take. Will they work? Probably not. But hey, they’re better than nothing, right? Right??

1. Two Words: Hazmat Suits

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Buy these bitches in bulk and tell your kids to make like  Barney Stinson and SUIT UP! There is no other way to know you and your brood of germ mongerers will be safe when the zombie apocalypse back to school germ fest begins than donning some plastic suits for at least three months. You might call me paranoid, but I’ll get the last laugh when you’re oozing flem from every orifice in a couple of weeks.

(Photo:  DiverseWorks)

2. ALL the hand sanitizer

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

This guy knows what I’m talking about.

Is is actually effective? From my vast amount of internet sleuthing I would say the jury is still out. Some say it works like a charm, others say we’re creating a hoard of SUPERMEGABUGS that will destroy us all. I don’t care. It stings when you put it on (but it hurts so good) and you can get it at the Bath and Body Works in amazing (and slightly alcohol-smelling) scents, and DAMMIT it makes me feel safer. Hell, the placebo effect is a thing, right?

(Photo:  Randall M Rueff)

3. AirBorne

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And whatever other supplement I can buy at GNC that claims to keep the sickies away. I need all the help that I can get, because by mid-September my living room has so many tissues strewn around it looks like it belongs to a 13-year-old boy who just found his first Playboy. 

(Photo:  JohnBantam)

4. SARS-level face masks, all day, every day

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I think we should totally make the face-mask-look an annual fall fashion trend. It could ward off the dreaded back to school plague AND I could get away without wearing lipstick for a whole season without looking like Casper the ghost.

(Photo:  Edward Dalmulder)

5. Hand washing

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You bet I will break out my tried and true bribing methods when it comes to hand washing. And if that doesn’t work, I just hop on the old Google and bring up some close up pics of germs. It always does the trick.

(Photo:  elva_37)