• Tue, Sep 17 - 1:18 pm ET

5 Ways To Prevent The Bubonic Plague From Entering Your Home This School Year

Back to school time is awesome for many reasons. Fall is knocking on our door, which means sweater weather and leaves falling, Starbucks starts selling pumpkin flavored everything again (SQUEE!) and the best part? The kids go back to school. YEAH, I said it. Back to mother fucking SCHOOL. For a few blessed hours, on the days during the week when I’m not at the office, I get some kid-free bliss, and I’m not going to apologize for enjoying it.

That being said, we all know that schools are nothing but disease ridden, sickness factories that breed nothing but learning and misery for the first three months. Without fail, since I was a little kid myself, the first three months of school have brought sore throats, sneezing, coughing, itching, nose bleeds, boils, bubonic buboes, anal leakage, and pink eye. Basically Ebola. But no worries my parenting warriors, there are precautions you can take. Will they work? Probably not. But hey, they’re better than nothing, right? Right??

1. Two Words: Hazmat Suits

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Buy these bitches in bulk and tell your kids to make like  Barney Stinson and SUIT UP! There is no other way to know you and your brood of germ mongerers will be safe when the zombie apocalypse back to school germ fest begins than donning some plastic suits for at least three months. You might call me paranoid, but I’ll get the last laugh when you’re oozing flem from every orifice in a couple of weeks.

(Photo:  DiverseWorks)

2. ALL the hand sanitizer

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

This guy knows what I’m talking about.

Is is actually effective? From my vast amount of internet sleuthing I would say the jury is still out. Some say it works like a charm, others say we’re creating a hoard of SUPERMEGABUGS that will destroy us all. I don’t care. It stings when you put it on (but it hurts so good) and you can get it at the Bath and Body Works in amazing (and slightly alcohol-smelling) scents, and DAMMIT it makes me feel safer. Hell, the placebo effect is a thing, right?

(Photo:  Randall M Rueff)

3. AirBorne

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And whatever other supplement I can buy at GNC that claims to keep the sickies away. I need all the help that I can get, because by mid-September my living room has so many tissues strewn around it looks like it belongs to a 13-year-old boy who just found his first Playboy. 

(Photo:  JohnBantam)

4. SARS-level face masks, all day, every day

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I think we should totally make the face-mask-look an annual fall fashion trend. It could ward off the dreaded back to school plague AND I could get away without wearing lipstick for a whole season without looking like Casper the ghost.

(Photo:  Edward Dalmulder)

5. Hand washing

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You bet I will break out my tried and true bribing methods when it comes to hand washing. And if that doesn’t work, I just hop on the old Google and bring up some close up pics of germs. It always does the trick.

(Photo:  elva_37)

Share This Post:
  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    What, no neti pot?

  • TngldBlue

    Ah too late, my kid’s been down and out for two weeks with rotavirus. The germ factory opened early this year. Hooray.

  • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

    Oh my gosh, school sickness. Thank goodness I am pregnant during this back-to-school round and I have a magically awesome Super Immune System, so no plague for me. My kids on the other hand? Not so much. We are one month into the school year and both of my school-aged step sons have missed all of their allotted days already thanks to one round of tonsillitis, one with strep throat, and now with upper respiratory infections and they seem to be passing back and forth. HAZMAT SUITS!!!!

  • logica

    Everyone in my classes seems to be suffering from the back to school blahs. It is characterized by drowsiness, inability to study or do homework, and a general apathy toward life. My archeology lab group was full of people groaning about being tired and unable to think about anything.

  • Momma425

    Those germs look like an ashtray.

  • YEP

    Frances Locke, I saw your article on Brian Holloway. Let me just say, as a journalist/blogger, you are of poor mind. Not once in your article did you even ridicule those kids for breaking in to that guys house and DESTROYING IT. They even stole a statue dedicated to his dead son, yet you found the time to throw in annoying quips about Holloway’s “cray cray” website. The guy is genuine, and those kids are lucky they wrecked HIS home, because he is a nice guy. Because I don’t think it’s obvious in that liberal brain of yours, that the general public opinion according to all the comments I read, is that they deserve a lot more than a public shaming. In my opinion, those kids are lucky they don’t have a shotgun pointed to their backs while they clean up that house on their hands and knees until they fingers are bleeding.

    Yea, it’s fake journalists like you Frances, that vilify the victims, yet you say nothing bad about the values their wealthy parents FAILED to instill in them. You’re of weak, and pathetic mind.

    • scooby23

      Way to other article-jack a fun post. If you have such a hate for Frances’s article, why don’t, you know, post it on the ACTUAL ARTICLE? WOAH, CRAZY IDEA, RIGHT?!?

  • scooby23

    You HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!! You don’t just load on the hand sanitizer like a LAZY mom, you take the time to be a good mother and fix your child a bath (NOT TOO HOT NOT TOO COLD!!11!!) and you pour in AT VERY LEAST five bottles of Purell! Put child in one every 15 minutes!111!! And I like to carry around a little “bath in a bottle” in the old bottles of Purell with the mixture in it and spritz it on my child every five minutes!!11!!! If you let your kid get in touch with one single germ then you are a horrible, lazy mother who I bet occasionally lets her kid have non organic fruit sometimes too!!1!!! GRBRNFBDFBB

    Sarcasm, of course :)