I'm a better mom than you I’m one of those “I don’t know how she does it” type moms. People always look at my gorgeous, well-behaved children and ask me what my best tips are for raising such amazing human beings. Love, I always say. Lots of love. That’s my secret. I have also done many other things for my children, and they have rewarded me for my love and amazing parenting skills in return. Here are just a mere 10 examples.

I Spent A Great Deal Of Time Changing Diapers 

When my eldest son was an 8-month-old, I gave him a long sudsy bath and placed him on fluffy towels and dried him carefully. I applied diaper rash cream to his bare bottom and held his little chubby legs over his head. Yeah, yeah, whatever you may be thinking, I do this  alllll the time. But the difference is, when I was holding his legs in the air I glanced up and noticed that my little duckling was urinating. All over his own face. The reason why I am a better mother than you is that I acted quickly so his pee did not spray all over my walls, traumatizing him for life.

 My Daughter Alerts Me To Important Things Going On In My House 

When the cat knocks over a bottle of 27 dollar Chanel nailpolish on the carpet or the dog magically jumps three feet into the air and breaks a vase full of flowers sitting on the kitchen counter, my daughter always tells me. It’s very important to raise honest children, and I can tell my children are honest because whenever I tell them that if they tell me the truth they will get a prize they are more than happy to tell me which one of them called the other one a dummy garbage face poop-head dorkbutt.

We All Prepare And Enjoy Meals Together 

As a working mom, I can tell you that having a family dinner is no easy task. Someone has to FIND the pizza coupon, SOMEONE ELSE has to call the pizza place, SOMEONE has to get out the paper plates and napkins and SOMEONE ELSE has to hold the dog when the pizza guy comes so the dog doesn’t try to attack the pizza guy. We all work together as a family to ensure mealtime is a success.

My Son Tells Me When We Are Running Low On Things  

It’s important to raise kids who care about other people and who pay attention to the world around them, and my eldest son is really good at telling me things that will make my life easier. Just this weekend when I was making out the shopping list he said “Mom, you should probably buy some more vodka.” Just the fact that he cared enough to realize I was out  and knew that I was out made me realize what a good kid I have raised.

 They Protect Me From The Hardships Of Parenting 

When I was helping my middle son clean his room I realized that he had a large amount of glassware under his bed, enough to stock an IKEA kitchen department. When I asked him if he was too lazy to bring these things downstairs, he hugged me and said “I didn’t want you to have to wash them.” I’m sorry, but it’s obvious I am a great parent if I have raised a child who doesn’t want me to have to do additional work.

One Of My Sons Was An Early Talker  

This may be because both my husband and I are extremely intelligent people, but my  son talked very early. One of the first phrases he spoke was “dump truck” and my spouse and I encouraged him to say this over and over again, because it was just so amazing to us how he articulated it. The grandparents may not have been amused with his pronunciation, but we were quite pleased.

They Never Had Tantrums  

My children never, ever, had tantrums. On occasion, they would get slightly upset if they were overtired, or hungry, or really really wanted a new toy that we had just seen on the shelf of a department store even though Santa Claus has just brought them piles of new toys for Christmas a few days ago. They would get a little upset. But never have a tantrum where they  cried and screamed and fell on the floor and told me they hated me. Ever. Nope.

We Spend Quality Time Together  

Doing incredibly productive things that make the world a better place, like playing video games.

 I Never Lie To My Children

Ever. About anything.

I Always Make Sure To Put Their Needs First 

By putting MY needs first, because being an amazing mom means that you realize the important things, like that mom needs 30 minutes alone time a day or she gets all cranky and that if mom doesn’t get the last cookie, well, that’s just wrong. People can say nonsense like “I would do ANYTHING for my kids” and “MY kids ALWAYS come first” but we will see who gets stuck in a elderly care center and who gets to live in their kid’s basement, now won’t we?