• Fri, Sep 13 2013

Real Or Fake: Sanctimommy Social Media Statuses

little girl with magnifying glassDespite the worst mommy hashtags and usual topics of contention, spotting bonafide sanctimommies on the interwebs can be quite difficult given how easy it is to mock their self-righteousness. I routinely come across alleged Facebook rants and satirical articles that are often hard to distinguish from the real thing.

For the purposes of perfecting our radar, I’ve pulled an assortment of fictitious sanctimommy social media statuses as well as authentic ones for you to distinguish. Let’s play!

1. No Free Time For Real Moms

I don’t have any free time. I actually love my children, so when they’re at school I spend the hours imagining what they must be doing at every moment of the day. ”Free time”, hobbies and interests are for whorey skanks who never should have had kids in the first place. Once u have ur own youll get it

Real or fake?

DO NOT SCROLL BEYOND THIS POINT UNTIL YOU HAVE DECIDED.

READY?

OK.

It’s fake. Our reader Sara610 penned this gem in the comments, writing in full:

I don’t have any free time. I actually love my children, so when they’re at school I spend the hours imagining what they must be doing at every moment of the day, except when I take a break to go on Facebook and talk about how all other mothers are terrible. I then spend the rest of the day counting the minutes until I can go pick them up and wait outside their classrooms with my nose pressed up against the glass.

“Free time”, hobbies and interests are for whorey skanks who never should have had kids in the first place. Once u have ur own youll get it

2. SAHMs vs. Working Moms

 I’m definitely proud to be a stay at home mom. I’ve personally seen the huge difference between kids that r raised by their mother and/or father and kids that r put in daycare as a baby. Especially the first 2 years. The difference is absolutely incredible

DO NOT SCROLL BEYOND THIS POINT UNTIL YOU HAVE DECIDED.

READY?

OK.

It’s totally real:

SAHM2

3. Mom Priorities

Being a mom is all about sacrifice. Your time, your privacy, and your love is all your baby’s now.

DO NOT SCROLL BEYOND THIS POINT UNTIL YOU HAVE DECIDED.

READY?

OK.

It’s totally real:

sanctimommytweet24. What Feminism Did Wrong

One thing that the feminist movement did wrong was make women deny the very things that made us women : motherhood. Sorry but that’s the truth

DO NOT SCROLL BEYOND THIS POINT UNTIL YOU HAVE DECIDED.

READY?

OK.

It’s totally real:

sanctimommyfacebook

5. On Birth

“Having a child shouldn’t be your biggest fear. It should be your biggest achievement.”

DO NOT SCROLL BEYOND THIS POINT UNTIL YOU HAVE DECIDED.

READY?

OK.

It’s fake. I just made up this little diddy.

6. Formula shaming

“Breastfeeding is like marriage. You can’t cheat on it and expect it to work.”

DO NOT SCROLL BEYOND THIS POINT UNTIL YOU HAVE DECIDED.

READY?

OK.

Fake, but sort of real. It popped up on this meme that was floating around Facebook recently:

breastfeeding marriage7. Breastfeeding Facts

Fact: formula fed babies babies are more likely to die before their third birthday. #breastfeeding

DO NOT SCROLL BEYOND THIS POINT UNTIL YOU HAVE DECIDED.

READY?

OK.

It’s totally real:

FFtweet(photo:  Mads Boedker)

Share This Post:
  • Emil

    These moms are totally nuts but they still manage to make me feel guilty. There is something wrong with me! And yeah, I guessed wrong at least half the time.

  • mel

    The first “fake” one was way too obvious but the others were difficult to tell!

  • Toaster

    I know moms who could have said all of these. Ugh.

  • keelhaulrose

    “The Alpha Parent”? There’s no way they wouldn’t be spewing sancti-crap with a name like that.

    • Ashley Feit

      Ugh, I made the mistake of looking at the twitter feed and facebook of “The Alpha Parent” . . . their goal appears to be to scare women into breastfeeding and shame them from formula. . . yeah, that’s positive and supportive.

    • Annona

      That. Bitch. Is terrifying.

    • whiteroses

      Yeah- apparently, the only thing that we have to worry about when it comes to parenting is what our kids ingest in the first year of life. If that’s the case, then I can chill out, since my son drinks cow’s milk on the reg now.

      Never mind helping him navigate through relationships, education, clothing, vacations, fostering his interests, saving for college, hygiene, media saturation, Internet safety, bullying…etc. Nope, it’s all good!

      Get freaking real.

    • Andrea

      *gasp* I hope you mean he drinks organic, farm raised, rainbow farting cows!!!

    • whiteroses

      Well, he does drink organic- only because I, personally, think it tastes better. But I’m not exactly a fanatic about it. If I can’t pronounce it, I don’t eat it :)

    • Andrea

      A name like Alpha Parent tells me that you consider parenting a competitive sport. And that you are a douchecanoe bitch.

    • DMH

      Too right you are.

  • KaeTay

    that last one pisses me off.. great site.. just great way to try to scare mothers “if you don’t breat feed your baby is going to die!!” You know what breastfed babies can die. I think there was an article on here about a druggie breastfeeding mom whose baby died from the overdose of drugs in the milk. Breastfeeding or bottle feeding has nothing to do with it period.

    • Amanda Lee

      The last one freaked me out to. Apparently they don’t know that a fact is something that’s actually proven to be true (scientifically) and not just something a person thinks is true. I’d really like to know where they got that piece of ass backwards information.

    • Rachel Sea

      It is true, but not by a lot. There are very many medical conditions whose risk factors are increased by formula feeding, and those small increases in risk, along with misuse of formula, do increase infant mortality over breastfeeding – but again, the risk (in developed nations, where people have access to clean water) is low.

      There is no one study (that I know of) that gives a number on exactly the difference, but there are upwards of 30 studies which prove increased risk for about 25 medical conditions, from asthma, to necrotizing enterocolitis.

    • ScienceGeek

      Thank you for being so clear about this! The difficulty with all of these studies is that a ‘possible link’ or ‘increased risk factor’ becomes ‘OMG formula kills your baby!!’, which I have a real neurotic twitch about. It’s near impossible to control for all the variables, especially in conditions, like asthma, that we don’t fully understand in the first place.

      That said, we know that breast milk contains maternal antibodies that help to protect the baby from infection until their own immune system kicks in. A high-risk infant in a hospital is going to be massively vulnerable to a fatal infection, so I agree that banked breast milk would be a wonderful thing.

    • Rachel Sea

      In addition to lacking maternal antibodies, formula does increase the risk of gut inflammation (it is not as easily digested as breastmilk, particularly by infants who were not colonized by appropriate bacteria, such as infants delivered by c-section, or under sterile conditions), which both invites infection, and can decrease nutrient absorption.

    • Esther

      [Citation needed] [From a reputable source, please.] This is just more lactivist nonsense.

    • Rachel Sea
    • Jayamama

      Thank you! I was going to say the same thing, but you said it so well. There is a slight risk to formula compared to breastfeeding, but you know what raises mortality rates even more? Starvation. Thank heaven we have formula available for those who are unable to breastfeed, or choose not to for whatever reason. My daughter has never had a drop of formula, and I’m pretty proud that I was able to be successful, but I would NEVER judge another mother for her choice to use formula. That tidbit only serves to scare and isolate mothers.

    • Simone

      I’m so grateful for people like Rachael Sea who can think clearly and articulate their sensible and educated thoughts in an articulate fashion. Please breed lots.

    • Rachel Sea

      LOL, I tried that. Unfortunately, it didn’t work.

    • NotCinderell

      There are also massive, massive confounding variables associated with the statement: 1. mothers in third-world countries who have limited access to clean water, and who may overdilute formula because they can’t afford to buy enough of it, can cause problems that breastfeeding doesn’t. 2. In the US, single mothers, the mothers who work the longest hours and have the lowest income and available time, are more likely to formula feed AND more likely to have limited access to healthcare for themselves and their children. Their kids are already more likely to die, but it’s not because they’re getting formula, but rather because they can’t get to a doctor.

      I also snooped the Alpha Mom, because, hey, I’m pro-breastfeeding, and I wanted to see what was up. She whined that the baby of a mom who was convicted of felony child endangerment for nursing her kid while also doing meth, was faring just as badly getting formula as he/she would have been getting meth-tainted breastmilk. Ugh.

    • Rachel Sea

      1. is why I specifically referred to developed nations, because bottle-baby syndrome is virtually unheard of here. We have deaths from over-dilution (or over-concentration), but they are very rare. Bottle baby syndrome is a HUGE problem in developing nations, but I don’t think any of those families are reading The Alpha Parent.

      2. is accounted for in reputable studies. The ones which do not equalize for it, are not reputable, and should be ignored.

      Yeah, the argument of formula-as-poison makes me pretty crazy. I’m way pro-breastfeeding. I think we’d be better off as a country if we brought back the professional wet-nurse. But knowing that wide spread formula use is problematic is not remotely the same thing as believing that individual formula use is bad, or worse, that formula should be banned.

    • Andrea

      Well if you say it with strong enough conviction and post it on the internet, it becomes true.

    • EcnoTheNeato

      Just ask Jenny McCarthy! o_O
      (seriously, how many people believe, or at least question, vax-ing and autism now because of her?)

    • Shelly Lloyd

      I think the majority of children who die before their 3rd birthday do so in 3rd world nations where breast feeding is the norm. Sadly they just can not afford good health care, shelter, clean water and food. Not because they are bad parents, they are usually good parents in a bad place.

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      And prior to formula plenty of breastfed babies died from moms who had supply issues. The Alpha Parent can suck my dry nipples.

    • The Great Queen Spider

      Has to be a fear tactic, well that or ignorance.

  • ChillMama

    So much fun! More, more! :)

  • NicknamesAreDull

    I’ve noticed a difference between children who have parents that type out their words in full, and children who have parents who can’t afford to buy a vowel.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      You rock!

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      First of all, this comment made my week, but better yet, when I read it out loud to my husband, he said *cough BIL cough* totally sanctidaddy-ing his bro, which made my life.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    so much ugh at #2. Daycare isn’t raising my kid, I AM. I’m glad you’re proud to be a SAHM. I’m proud to be a working parent, and I manage to be proud without shitting on people who make different choices.

    • G.E. Phillips

      My son has been in full time daycare since he was 5 months old and I am here to tell you, he’s learned way more stuff from daycare than he has from my dumb ass.

    • Koa_Beck

      You are amazing.

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      LOL!

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      Haha! Awesome.
      And totally how I feel about sending my son to daycare come March. I just can’t help but feel he’ll get a lot more out of his day, what with the crafts, new toys and socializing. Half the time I feel like I’m just getting him through the day.

    • http://twitter.com/mariaguido Maria Guido

      Ditto.

    • Bethany Ramos

      I always laugh with my husband about what daycare teaches my son instead of us. He came home learning how to use a fork, drink out of a sippy cup, and with a few new words. Score!

    • ScienceGeek

      My theory is that I may know my specific baby better than them, but the childcare workers have years of training and qualifications that mean they know children in general way better than I ever could. That’s going to be worth a lot as he’s growing up, and I’m grateful to have access to that kind of resource.

    • LET

      Hahaha…I’m a SAHM, but my son (4) just started preschool last week (just 9 hours/week), and he’s already learned more in 4 lessons than I’ve probably taught him his whole life!
      I do love being a SAHM, and I think there are certain benefits, but there are other benefits to day care (better socialization, learning structure earlier, learning to respect adults who aren’t your parents, etc), so it’s really a trade off. I personally think the parents being happy with the situation (whichever it may be) probably has the greatest effect on the children involved.

    • Evelyn

      I did the stay at home bit and as soon as they got to school I couldn’t tell the difference. Sorry to my fellow stay at home mums, but the kids who went to some form of daycare weren’t any dumber/smarter, ruder/politer, more timid/brave, rougher/gentler or any other kind of different to our own kids. If there were any subtle differences at all they were a bit ‘swings and roundabouts’, where there might possibly be a teeny tiny advantage in one area (if you were determined to generalize loosely and ignore any kids that went against your child rearing theories) then it would be balanced by an area of development where the other group were a teeny tiny bit better. Of course as soon as the kids settled then even the teeny tiny differences that you have to stubbornly squint to see (or imagine out of a zealous belief in a one true way of parenting) completely vanished.

  • Rachel Sea

    The Alpha Parent is the worst. Taking a grain of truth and twisting it to it’s scariest and most illogical conclusion makes people doubt the actual, honest, scientific truth.

    • whiteroses

      Thank you for this. I agree.

    • Rachel Sea

      All things being equal, breastmilk is currently still better than formula, as proven by science. But all things are NEVER, EVER equal.

    • Amber

      My breastmilk is not better than formula. It couldn’t keep my son alive, formula could.

    • Rachel Sea

      Science (on this topic) has only proven this on the statistical level. Since statistics do not apply to individuals, YMMV.

    • EcnoTheNeato

      This is why I don’t mind the phrase “Breast is best.” Sure some people use it to bash others or be judgy. But, in an empirical sense, it’s true. HOWEVER! I never judge anyone who uses formula. In fact, I’ve prepared myself to use formula with my (non-existent currently) children. Because PPD is already bad enough. No need to add to it!

    • DMH

      I snooped on her Facebook page to see if she was really, truly as horrible as she sounded. I wasn’t the least bit surprised to see that it was worse than I had initially thought. And she has minions…

    • scooby23

      I almost barfed when I read her page. She is truly disgusting.

  • personal

    Did one of those moms really refer to herself as a MILF?! How is that even possible?

    • Muggle

      Someone apparently took a non-mombie’s “go fuck yourself!” too seriously…

    • libraryofbird

      Can I buy you a drink? Can we be friends?

    • Muggle

      yesssss! Fortunately for you, I’m the cheapest drunk ever.

  • Annona

    Wait…motherhood makes you a woman? So I’m actually a MAN? OK, well, I’d like approximately 35 years worth of wage earning discrepancy back paid in one lump sum, please, in cash. Also, I will be walking around shirtless in the summer from now on. And man, my poor husband is going to be so surprised to find out that he’s actually gay.

    Also, every single person in the entire world who uses the letter “r” in place of the word “are” can suck my brand new shiny pair of balls, please and thank you.

    • Muggle

      Hey, I’m a man too and never realized it until now!

      Apparently when I pop out some spawn I get a free sex change? Would my insurance cover that?

    • Andrea

      Well boo. If I had known that not having kids was gonna make me a man I totally would have gone for it. Why doesn’t anyone TELL me this things??????

    • Ginny

      Yes, yes. Do I have to wear a tampon during my PE class swimming unit now? Because golly gee, I’d sure love to avoid having my uterus bleeding in the pool water, but if I’m a man….

    • Kat

      AHAHAHA

      I accidentally rated this down at first. I think I undid it but I can’t tell on my stupid phone. Ignore it, if not.

    • VLDBurnett

      Thank you for this, that one irked me the most of all.

    • brebay

      sweet! no menopause!

    • Paul White

      /Austin Powers
      “That’s a MAN, baby!”
      /end Austin powers

  • Ptownsteveschick

    Yay! This is my new favorite column. MORE

  • elle

    I honestly don’t even know what number 6 is even supposed to mean….

    • NicknamesAreDull

      If you plan on breastfeeding and have difficulties, feeding your baby formula is cheating and you’re setting yourself up with failure. If your baby is taken away from you, gets extremely sick, or dies because you didn’t cheat- it’s okay. Because formula babies die before the age of three and breast milk is the only thing that should go into your child’s body until they’ve graduated college.

  • Tinyfaeri

    Oooooh! #7 was actually said in the “Intro to Breastfeeding Seminar” we were required to attend by the birth center we used. That was right around the time I stopped listening and started counting down until I could get Wendy’s on the way home. I’m still a bit bitter that I won’t ever get those 2.5 hours back.

    • EcnoTheNeato

      Dang. Could you have left early? Like, was it a “sign in” thing to prove you went? Or did you have to have a waiver signed by one of the speakers after the whole process or something.

      Or was there some worksheet they gave you while at the seminar that you had to fill out, and had to get an 80% or above before they accepted you as someone worthy of being at their birth center?

      (seriously though, I like birth centers providing this sorta thing. But mandatory…? That rubs me the wrong way. Especially with the content you mentioned)

  • Sara610

    Bahahaha! This is definitely the highlight of my day.

  • Andy

    Wait, please tell me that woman in the ‘breastfeeding’ pic isn’t supposed to be a real mom of a newborn. Flat abs, low slung jeans, hair that’s been washed and sweater with no spit up-riiiiight.

  • Maddi Holmes

    i always get confused by the SAHM shit about daycares and blah blah. My mother was a SAHM and she sent me to a preschool run by a private high school specifically because they did extended hours care. She sent me away on 1 – 2 week holiday camps as soon as I was old enough to go (5 I think). Being a SAHM doesn’t automatically mean you spend all of your time with your child, just as being a working mum doesn’t mean you kick your kid to the curb every day. My mum was a full on SAHM for my eldest brother, he didn’t go to daycares and the like, he now has severe depression and rarely leaves his room at the age of 24. I was her 3rd child so she had given up on the whole “spend all of your time with your baby” stuff and did everything she could to get time to herself. I’m going to university next year and moving out at the end of the year.

    My point to that ridiculous rant is that every child is different and there’s no magical method of child raising that results in perfect, well natured, and fantastic human beings. People need to shut up and stop judging people for the way they raise THEIR kids.

    • JAN

      This, so much this!

      “My point to that ridiculous rant is that every child is different and there’s no magical method of child raising that results in perfect, well natured, and fantastic human beings.”

  • lemonjello

    Not word-for-word, but #5 is totally real. http://birthbuddy.wordpress.com/resources/quotes/

  • chaddrobinson

    My Uncle Benjamin got an awesome silver Audi S3 by working off of a pc online. see this page w­w­w.M­A­X­52.c­o­m

  • Pingback: Real Or Fake: Motivational Parenting Memes

  • Paul White

    Is that last one *true*? I’m curious